I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, before answering Ye Zhi's call. But I remained silent, waiting for her to speak first, my breathing still heavy...
Ye Zhi sighed first, and then said to me, "I contacted the doctor who treated you. He told me that your condition is very bad... He said that your common peroneal nerve is damaged, which has affected your mobility, and there is a possibility that it will worsen in the future."
I was stunned.
Ye Zhi continued, "What you said on the phone just now really made me angry... But thinking about it calmly, you're not a particularly emotional person; the reason you're acting like this must be because something really big has happened, so I immediately asked someone to contact your doctor... Are you in Shanghai right now?"
Ye Zhi's keen perception made her the second person besides the doctor to know the truth, but deep down I didn't want her to know. I always felt that living a better life than her was the best way to honor our relationship.
After a moment of silence with my head down, I finally spoke and asked Ye Zhi, "How did you know I was in Shanghai?"
"I found out by asking around, but don't ask how I found out..."
My instinct was that Yang Sisi had said something to her, because just now, I had used Ye Zhi as the most hurtful weapon, stabbing her hard into Yang Sisi's heart. Yang Sisi hadn't replied to my messages, so she was very likely in contact with Ye Zhi... I could even imagine what their conversation was about.
Ye Zhi suddenly asked me, "Where are you? I'll come find you."
I stared blankly at the streetlights outside the window, now covered in snow. She was the second woman to come here to see me this night... I didn't doubt her motives. I knew she had never forgotten me and cared about me, but I wasn't the one she cared about most, which is why we ended up in this relationship.
Yes, only those who truly care would come to find me on a snowy night like this.
I needed to meet with Ye Zhi because I wanted to know what Yang Sisi had said to her; however, this dilapidated hotel was not a place that could accommodate guests, so we arranged to meet at the Bund.
...
Snow had already accumulated on the roads, and many taxis had installed snow chains, making the whole city seem a bit cautious. Not only cars, but also pedestrians were walking very carefully. Only a few children were immersed in the joy of the snow and ran around everywhere; adults, on the other hand, were still carrying all sorts of worries and walking numbly in the predetermined direction. In an instant, the world in my eyes was divided into two extremes, and I was searching for a space to survive in the gap.
I'm suffocating! ...
Half an hour later, I found myself back at the Bund, a place that had stirred my emotions countless times before. I looked around and finally spotted Ye Zhi near a greenbelt. She was holding a transparent umbrella and standing under a streetlamp, the light casting a pale yellow glow on the ground beneath her feet…
To avoid appearing lame, I walked as slowly as possible. When I reached Ye Zhi's side, I immediately leaned against the railing. I didn't speak right away, but just looked down at my shoes. With the slightest movement, the snow under my feet crunched.
When I first looked at Ye Zhi, she was looking at me with a very complicated expression...
I pinched my chin, gave a stiff smile, and finally spoke to her: "I used to hate you, but now I can't hate you at all. Because many things, you only know what you really think when you're faced with them... Although it's a bit wishful thinking, I have to do it this way... I'm already in this state, and I don't want to drag anyone else into this mess... I don't have the confidence to get out of it... Really!"
To my surprise, Ye Zhi didn't try to give me any of those uplifting platitudes. She simply asked me, "So what are your plans for the future?"
"Just let it pass by blindly... I've lost all that spirit I used to have... Now everything looks gray to me, except at night when it's all black!"
I tried to reach into the cigarette pack to light another one, but the pack was empty...
Even something as simple as this made me feel frustrated. I slammed the cigarette pack on the ground and cursed, "Damn it!"
I've lost all my image; I'm old,颓废 (颓废 is a difficult word to translate directly, but it implies a state of being listless,颓废, or颓废), and I'm constantly swearing... But I'm not venting my anger on Ye Zhi; I'm cursing fate. It's been unfair to me, and I'm on the verge of depression.
In the ensuing silence, Ye Zhi gently tugged at my sleeve, drawing me under her umbrella. She then brushed the snow off my shoulders. Her expression was serious, but her voice was soft. She said to me, "Promise me, no matter how painful it is, you'll quit smoking, okay?... Your body really can't take smoking anymore!"
"I don't want to smoke, but I don't know any other way to make myself feel better... I feel like I'm standing on a pile of rubble with an abyss behind me. If I relax even slightly, I'll fall in and never come back... I'm really scared, so scared!"
I swallowed hard, then closed my eyes tightly, but the more I tried to hide my fear of the world, the clearer the feeling of being threatened from all sides became…
I'm trembling. I've fallen into a self-created terrifying scene, unable to escape...
...
Suddenly, I felt a warm sensation in my palm. Ye Zhi had taken my hand. It worked. With the warmth she gave me, I finally felt a sense of security. I looked at her, my heart filled with mixed emotions.
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