Chapter 66 Night Talk (Part 2)
"Delphinium!"
She suddenly said loudly: "I, I actually have a more negative, or even cowardly idea! I think I have to say it out!"
"Before I knew the real cause of my mother's death, I could still look at the dangers faced by magical girls with a normal mind. But since I knew the truth, I started to feel conflicted!"
"I can't tell whether it's hatred or fear. I don't know which emotion is stronger. But I know that I feel disgusted by my own thoughts."
After hearing her words, Delphinium did not comment directly, but asked back: "Why? Because of your mother?"
"...I've been thinking about these things these past few days, and I'm beginning to think that knowing the truth isn't that good after all."
Lin Xiaolu replied with a complicated expression: "Just knowing that there is a risk of a magical girl dying is a completely different feeling from knowing that a magical girl has died."
"It seemed like something that I had thought was very far away from me before, but now it seems to be happening right next to me. Even when I am dreaming, I start to feel uneasy."
"It's weird, isn't it? I've been a magical girl for such a long time, but I didn't start to feel scared until these few days. In fact, instead of feeling like 'revenge', I was more thinking about 'retreating' and 'escaping'. Because I would think, if one day I met the enemy who killed my mother, would I die like my mother?"
"I had the thought of 'revenge', but I was afraid of it. I even wanted to stay away from it and pretend I didn't know."
"But if that's the case, can I still be worthy of my mother? What's the point of me gaining this power? When I think about this, even my determination to continue fighting begins to waver."
"Does it sound ridiculous? I always wanted to know the truth about my mother's death. But after knowing the truth, I began to regret it. My heart was filled with negative emotions: fear, guilt, self-denial... I felt that it would be better not to know."
"I am indeed a terrible person. I told you before that I wanted to become stronger and become your helper, but after knowing this little bit, I started to waver and feel scared."
"Xia Liang also knew about this, but she even reached the bud level so quickly. I still..."
Her words paused.
Because she suddenly realized that a somewhat cold hand was holding her hand.
"Why should you feel sorry for something like this?"
Delphinium looked at her seriously: "Before you became a magical girl, you were first just a child. Fear of death is an instinct that all adults cannot escape. Why do you belittle yourself because of this?"
"But if I don't stand up and take revenge, my mother's death will be..." Lin Xiaolu said hurriedly.
"No one has to stand up, Bai Mei."
Delphinium squeezed her hand and interrupted her: "Revenge is something you shouldn't even consider. As Sakura's teammate, revenge is something we adults should do."
"Don't think about revenge?"
Lin Xiaolu asked blankly, "If that's the case, how can I feel at ease? What should I do? Can I really continue to be like before, immersed in my own world as if I don't know anything?"
"It's always like this, just like playing house, defeating some weak beasts, and then telling myself with self-satisfaction, did I protect this city?"
"Even if that's the case, will there be an enemy that I can't handle suddenly appear one day, and then I will, I will..."
She felt her thoughts were in a mess.
As she herself said, all the negative emotions mixed together made her self-identity lower than ever before.
But what she didn't know was that in fact, most children, after becoming magical girls out of pure impulse or yearning, would fall into a certain degree of confusion.
For Lin Xiaolu, the opportunity for her to feel confused was the truth about her mother's death.
When she first learned this information, she might have felt the longing for her mother, but then came a strong sense of dislocation.
Lin Xiaolu, who has always placed her heart on magical girl animation, has an overly beautiful and one-sided imagination of the word "magical girl".
It seems that everything about magical girls has a filter in her heart. As long as there is some connection, it will become full of fantasy and fairy tale colors.
That's why she was determined to become a magical girl and was so brave in the battle against the beasts, because in her mind, she had become the "protagonist". She was supposed to be away from all the bad things in reality and in a beautiful dream.
However, this filter was shattered when he learned the truth about his mother's death and found that his training progress was not as good as that of his companions.
The concept of "magical girl" increasingly overlapped with reality in her cognition, making it impossible for her to regard this word as an imaginative spiritual sustenance anymore. Instead, it brought her many thoughts about the real situation.
Responsibility, crisis, loss, death...many unavoidable negative concepts came over from the other side of the filter and became Lin Xiaolu's new worries.
Because of this, at this time, she would subconsciously turn to Delphinium, the magical girl in her mind, for help. After all, for her, Delphinium is the place where this "filter" is best preserved.
Cuique couldn't think so deeply about these things, but that didn't prevent her from feeling that Lin Xiaolu urgently needed her help.
These worries and anxieties seem to have two common sources - lack of security and inferiority complex.
So, what should she say to her daughter, and what can she do to make her daughter feel better? When she figured this out, she realized what she had to do. In a nutshell: make up for the deficiencies.
"Bai Mei, there's no need to be so anxious."
So, after sorting out her inner thoughts, Kuizi took the initiative to speak: "I have always told you not to be too ambitious. This attitude should not only be reflected in honor and strength, but also in the meaning of life."
"Feel carefully, am I really here?"
Reaching out her other hand, Cuiqiao gently held Lin Xiaolu's palm with both hands: "Can you feel it? I'm standing here now, in front of you, holding your hand."
Lin Xiaolu looked down, then nodded blankly.
"Then you should understand that this is how you really feel, this is the reality you have."
Delphinium met her eyes and said seriously, "It's not that you are alone in facing hatred, enemies, and unknown crises. The reality is that I am here, I will guide you, and I will protect you, so you will be fine."
"If you feel confused now, don't be anxious, think slowly and make a decision slowly."
"If you are afraid of fighting, I will deal with the enemy; if you don't want revenge, I will avenge Sakura; you can think about things you can't figure out slowly, because you are still a child, you still have plenty of time to grow up."
"Even if you say that you don't want to be a magical girl anymore and want to stay away from dangerous battles and be an ordinary girl, still..."
Having said this, she suddenly stopped.
As if she remembered something in an instant, she pursed her lips slightly, struggling vaguely, but this expression was only fleeting. Her cold eyes turned into a slightly kind gaze after touching Lin Xiaolu: "That's also possible. After all, you know, I'm a 'big shot', and I can do this kind of thing."
What she didn't say was that, under normal circumstances, if a magical girl wanted to become a normal person again, she could only report to the royal court or retire normally. The former was just a decoration, and almost no one took it.
Lin Xiaolu doesn't know this, nor does she need to know it.
She still looked dazed, but after hearing what Delphinium said, she slowly shook her head: "I won't, I want to continue to be a magical girl."
"Is this what you really mean?" Delphinium asked softly.
"……Um."
Lin Xiaolu refocused her scattered eyes and nodded firmly: "This is the only thing I am sure of, because even now, being a magical girl is still my dream."
Even though there were many distracting thoughts in her mind, what confused and bewildered her was always "how to be a good magical girl" rather than "whether to continue being a magical girl".
As for what Delphinium said, that she would stay here with me...
"But, Delphinium, you will be able to leave, right?"
Thinking of this, she had some other thoughts: "You are a big shot in the magic kingdom. You are only staying in Fangting City for a short time. No matter how long you stay, one day you will leave here, right?"
"When that day comes and you leave... will the next time I see you, I will have to look at you from afar like I would when I see an official like the mayor?"
Delphinium was somewhat silent.
She tried to loosen her hand, but found that Lin Xiaolu had already grasped it and she couldn't pull it out.
She didn't try to break free. The two of them were in a stalemate for a while before she nodded calmly, "Well, I will leave. This is the only thing I can't lie to you about."
But the reason was different from what Lin Xiaolu thought. It was not because he was an "inspector".
“It still happens.”
Hearing her answer, Lin Xiaolu's expression became a little disappointed: "In that case, there won't be many days like this summer, right?"
The first thought that came to her mind was reluctance, but she soon convinced herself.
In itself, the past few months since she met Delphinium have been like a beautiful dream for her: she has become a magical girl, made new friends, learned her mother's true identity, and her relationship with her father has improved a lot. Even her academic studies have improved under Delphinium's guidance.
Even though there are new troubles now, it is not Delphinium's fault. It's just that I can't help but think too much.
She told herself that she had gained so much because of the other party's arrival and should not be greedy anymore.
——"But the time of leaving is determined by you."
What Lin Xiaolu didn't expect was that under the calm tone, the content of Cuiqiao's words suddenly reversed: "I will wait until you, you and Xia Liang, and even your entire team have grown up and can stand on your own, then I will leave."
These words made Lin Xiaolu freeze in place for a moment.
Taking this opportunity, Delphinium quietly loosened her hand: "Will you feel a little safer this way?"
"But, but, for someone like me, if I want to become a powerful magical girl, I may have to wait until I retire..." Lin Xiaolu was still shocked by what Delphinium said and spoke without thinking.
"Then wait until you retire." Delphinium turned her head and said lightly.
After hearing this, Lin Xiaolu felt her heart skip a beat.
An indescribable feeling, perhaps it should be called a feeling of being flattered and happy, suddenly surged into my heart.
She couldn't help but hold her chest and said hesitantly, "In that case, it will take ten years..."
"Yeah, ten years." Delphinium still looked calm.
This made Lin Xiaolu feel even more unbelievable: "But there is no reason for this. Why would you do this, Cuique? For someone like me... Even if you are very close to my mother, I don't think I deserve it."
"Who said you weren't worthy?"
With one hand on her waist, Kuizi glanced at Lin Xiaolu: "If even you have given up hope and no longer face your own possibilities, how can you become the person you want to be?"
"But can I really go that far?" Lin Xiaolu was still a little unconfident.
"Didn't Mo say that? You are a genius."
"It itself said that it was just a lie..."
"That's what I said. Sometimes even the fairies themselves can't tell whether what they say is true or false."
Looking at the river in the distance, Kuija said calmly: "The reason why I chose to stay in Fangting City is, as you thought, because of your mother. It is also because this is the city I once guarded, and I don't want it to be destroyed by the beasts."
"But I can't stay here forever. After Sakura dies, the old generation like us must pass the baton to the next generation."
"I have seen you and Xia Liang here, and I have gotten to know you, so I believe in your potential as the next generation."
"Maybe Moko is just saying it casually, maybe you don't believe in yourself, but I believe that one day, you will become a magical girl who can protect everyone."
"The so-called ten years is just a bet and a bottom line. In my opinion, you will definitely become stronger, and it definitely won't take that long."
Cuiqiao's judgment was so decisive that it finally made Lin Xiaolu feel that the haze in her heart was cleared away a lot.
The hand covering her heart gradually clenched into a fist, and the light reappeared in her eyes: "Delphinium, do you believe me?"
"No matter how many times I ask, the answer will be the same. I believe it."
Taking a few steps back, Delphinium looked at her daughter calmly: “So don’t belittle yourself, hold your head up, you are no worse than anyone else.”
After she finished speaking, she half turned around, made a gesture as if to move on, and finally confirmed with Lin Xiaolu: "Is there anything else you want to ask?"
Lin Xiaolu looked at the petite girl in front of her, and the last bit of confusion in her expression gradually faded away. Her originally gloomy expression became bright, and even faintly gentle.
She shook her head and stopped talking. Instead, she followed Delphinium in small steps and walked forward side by side with it.
The crisp sound of footsteps resounded on the empty bridge again, but unlike the dull sound when they came, the sound now was brisk and more orderly. The footsteps slowly moved from the center of the bridge to the other side, across the river, across the long sidewalk, and finally, gradually disappeared into the unknown distance on the other side.
(End of this chapter)
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