life and death
During this time at the villa, I spent every day with Zi Ling, admiring the lotus and painting, discussing politics and playing chess. I was immersed in unprecedented peace and happiness, and I even neglected to be alert to the outside world.
The news that Shangguan Yan was in critical condition was like a bolt from the blue. She had committed suicide at the hands of the Dragon Soul Blade! And I, so absorbed in my own little world, hadn't noticed the unusual movements of her natal star! Zi Ling's self-blame and panic pained me. I immediately tried to comfort her, promising to do my best to treat her, but a sense of foreboding was already brewing within me.
I rushed to save them, only to be ambushed by Young Master Nong Yue. The moment the poison penetrated my bones, I suddenly became remarkably lucid. Master's words of doom had truly come true. Fortunately, I had already taken advantage of the Imperial Master's presence to secretly construct a tomb and lay down a life-extending remedy. My natal star hadn't been extinguished, so I still had a glimmer of hope.
I prioritized Sima Changfeng's decision to save Shangguan Yan for Ziling's sake. If Shangguan Yan died because I ignored her, how could Ziling feel at ease by my side? She'd already lost her father because of him, and now she'd just been reunited with her sister. I couldn't let her suffer the pain of losing a loved one again. But when I saw Ziling's heartbroken expression over my poisoning, a more complex thought took hold. Beyond the heartache, a latent sense of guilt towards the Shangguan family surfaced. Simultaneously, a nearly despicable thought emerged: I wanted Shangguan Yan to owe me her life, hoping to use this favor as leverage to deter her should she seek revenge against my father. I knew Ziling had analyzed that Shangguan Yan wouldn't seek revenge, but I didn't dare to completely bet on that rationality. So, with my own life in jeopardy, I prioritized Sima Changfeng's decision to save Shangguan Yan. I confessed my life story to Ziling, explaining that I was atoning for my father's sins and calling it the "best possible outcome." I wanted to know, faced with life and death, how she would treat me after she learned this most unbearable truth. When she broke down in tears and cried out, "It doesn't matter whose son you are, I just want you to live," my heart was shaken. All my calculations vanished in that moment, leaving only a surge of emotion. It turned out that all she wanted was me, Ouyang Mingri, as a person, and had nothing to do with any grudges.
Perhaps, I chose to save Shangguan Yan first, subconsciously, I also wanted to see her reaction. There is nothing I can't get, but she ignored me.
The tomb is about to close, and the situation of suspended animation is set. I thought this was the end, but I never expected that a determined figure would rush in regardless of everything - it was Zi Ling! She wanted to live and die with me! In the darkness as the stone door slammed shut, I felt her body warmth and tears, and my heart was filled with mixed emotions. There was shock, heartache, and guilt, but more than that, an indescribable, almost devastating fulfillment. Shangguan Yan's self-blame and Sima Changfeng's consolation were isolated from the world. At this moment, it seemed as if only she and I were left in the world. All this was like a dream. If it was really a dream, I would trade my life for this eternal moment!
This tomb is the escape my master prepared for me. The night before, he appeared silently before my bed. His words were succinct, telling me that disaster was imminent. I twisted my fingertips, feeling the cool touch of the golden thread, yet my heart felt strangely calm. Death? It's been with me since I was conscious. But I seized this opportunity. I looked up, into Master's eyes, those eyes that could see through all the world's suffering, yet could never see into the heart. "Master, those two years of my amnesia were related to Zi Ling, right?" I asked directly, leaving him no room for evasion. He was silent for a long time, then sighed, a sigh that held a certain weariness I had never heard before... fatigue. "Tomorrow, you'll finally guess it," he admitted, but then immediately erected another wall. "But the past is like smoke, why cling to it? Cherish the one in front of you; that's the right path." The one in front of you? I almost sneered. How can someone who can't even piece together their past truly grasp the present? I told him that if I could survive this ordeal, I wanted to marry Shangguan Ying. This wasn't a sudden thought, but a long-buried delusion, one that the shadow of death had kept me from expressing. However, Master's response was like thunder, a clamor in my ears. "You are already husband and wife." Husband and wife? Those two words were too heavy, too illusory. I froze in my tracks, my mind blank. How many turbulent times had those two lost years held? Why, though we were clearly husband and wife, did we meet without knowing each other? Why did she look at me with such clarity, as if we had just met for the first time? "Is it revenge for my father's murder?" I heard my own voice rise in a dry voice. This was the most cruel yet plausible explanation I could come up with. Only a blood feud so deep could warrant her using the "Forget Worry Gu" as a decisive method to make me forget, while allowing her to bear the consequences herself. Master's silence confirmed my suspicions. I lowered my eyelids, hiding the turmoil swirling in my vision, and said respectfully to my master, "Tomorrow... I understand your earnest wishes. But, Master, this time, I cannot obey your command. I would rather live lucidly in the painful truth than wallow in the delusion of false perfection." Reluctantly, he revealed the name of the "Forget Worry Gu": This Forget Worry Gu is the treasure of the once-renowned Ruoshui Palace, and its previous master, Bian Yun, was my master's sister. This Gu was once a treasured treasure of the Miao border region of Yunnan, my master's hometown. It's a twin love Gu passed down from ancient times: guided by love and guided by dreams, it forgets worries and foresees the future. The Gu is highly intelligent and requires regular feeding from the essence and blood of a deeply compassionate individual to survive. The Gu can identify its feeder through their blood, and only after a successful feeding can it be manipulated. Controlling it requires sacrificing one's own memories and carries the risk of failure. So far, only Zi Ling has successfully manipulated it. According to ancient texts, the Forget Worry Gu (Wangyou Gu) is a pair of twin insects, one male and one female, that are mutually inductive. The female is called the "Forget Worry Worm" and the male is called the "Worry Worm." When fed to a victim, the "Forget Worm Worm" seals specific painful memories related to both the recipient and the perpetrator, embedding them within the victim's body. Once implanted, they cannot be unilaterally removed or removed. It's a "fair" yet cruel exchange. "How can I, your disciple, remove the poison?" I asked, pressing the details my master had omitted. The old man from the frontier looked embarrassed. "I don't know either. Ancient texts only contain fragments of Zhuangzi's dream of a butterfly." I suddenly remembered that dream, a dream that still brings a cold sweat to my face. The antidote is the "harmony of yin and yang." After the poison is removed, the two share life and death. If one dies, the other's heart and meridians are damaged; as long as one remains alive, the other can rely on the other for continued life.
My consciousness struggled out of the boundless darkness, and the first thing I perceived was the flickering yellow glow of the eternal lamp within the tomb. I suddenly opened my eyes and met those smiling eyes. "Young Master Nong Yue." "You've indeed come," I said calmly. Young Master Nong Yue is also part of my plan. I need someone to light the Seven Star Lamp to prolong my life.
"Rather than mourn the loss of an opponent, it's better to keep the flames burning. Perhaps... I don't want this world to be too dull. Without a rival like you, wouldn't I, Young Master Nong Yue, be utterly lonely?" He spoke with a leisurely tone, as if we weren't in dire straits, but rather enjoying tea and chess in his Zhaixing Nongyue Residence. "You're as cunning as Hua Tuo, but can you predict... her?"
He chuckled softly, his demeanor still elegant, but a faint, elusive complexity flickered across his eyes. "Why?" he repeated, pacing closer. His gaze passed me, resting on the huddled, fainting figure not far behind me. It was Zi Ling. It wasn't a dream; she was truly here to accompany me!
He paused, his gaze returning to my face, sharp. "I only wanted to use you to heal Dragon Soul's knife wound, not to take your life. Yesterday... the Dragon Goddess and the Ghost-Seeing Sorrow came to me, and the Worry-Free Palace Master came to save me..." His voice faltered slightly, and a trace of genuine pain cracked across his usually cynical mask. "...she died by blocking the knife. If I hadn't poisoned you before, perhaps... she still had a chance of survival. A single thought killed the person who loved me most in the world..."
He took a deep breath, as if to suppress the surging emotions, and when he spoke again, his tone had recovered about 70% of his usual tone: "Although I am not a good person, I also disdain to win in this way. I am even more unwilling to... bear the reputation of forcing you to death. Saving you is just... clearing an obstacle for myself." He was referring to the psychological barrier brought about by the death of the Lord of Wuyou Palace.
"Where is she?" I finally asked the question that concerned me the most, and my eyes turned to Zi Ling again. Sima Lingfeng followed my gaze, and his eyes instantly became deep and difficult to read, mixed with inquiry, unwillingness, and a hint of concern that was too obvious and displeased to me. "She?" The corners of his lips curled up into an ambiguous smile, with a bit of provocation, a bit of self-mockery, and the bitterness and inquiry that could not be concealed in his tone, "She has been waiting here, but she has made up her mind to live and die with you. She has been guarding in this tomb for an unknown amount of time until she was exhausted. What are you worthy of, even Hua Tuo?" Live and die together... these four words hit my heart again. She actually treats me with such deep affection and loyalty. If she knew that I was so scheming and was willing to gamble even her own life, how would she look at me? She must hate me to the core.
Young Master Nong Yue looked at me inquiringly. I adjusted my composure and said to him, "Please help me out, Young Master Nong Yue. I will repay you for your kindness. I will come to visit you within three days and heal your injuries!"
Young Master Nong Yue followed his instructions and left, leaving only her and I in the tomb...
As I treated her, my fingertips trembled uncontrollably. Sure enough, upon regaining consciousness, she hugged me excitedly, wondering if it was all a dream. Realizing it was all reality, Zi Ling calmed down and finally figured it all out. Tears welling in her eyes, she pointed at me and berated me, "You're a scheming person. You schemed against my sister, Sima Changfeng, everyone..." Her voice choked with sobs. "But the worst part is, you even schemed against yourself! Ouyang Mingri, how cruel are you to yourself?" She saw through me. She revealed the despair-driven self-destruction that even I refused to acknowledge. A surge of self-destruction washed over me. Well, since she'd seen through my flaws, why not let her put an end to it herself? "Yes, I am a scheming person," I said bluntly, handing over the dagger I carried. "Kill me." Death at her hands might be the best possible outcome for someone as despicable as me. I even saw a flash of despair and resignation in her eyes, the same look I saw in mine.
However, the expected blade didn't fall. She suddenly snatched the dagger away, the fury in her eyes replaced by a deep fear and heartache. She looked at me, speaking word for word: "Calculating is a characteristic of you, Ouyang Mingri, not a flaw! I would never hurt you because of it." She...she actually accepted me like this? Didn't she find me filthy and horrible? The frozen walls of my heart suddenly cracked. Almost panicked, I laid out my deepest fears before her: "From my time with my father, I'm certain he'll find it difficult to let Shangguan Yan and Sima Changfeng go. And I...am a selfish person. If anything endangers my family, whether it's a friend or a loved one, I will abandon them. I'm a man of deep thoughts, while you're simple. I'm afraid...afraid that one day you'll die at my hands." I stared at her, uttering my final words with all my might: "If ever I let greed blind me and hurt you in the slightest, you will kill me with this dagger. To die at your hands is better than the endless hell that follows."
I thought she would retreat, afraid. But she retorted with an almost innocent tenacity: "Didn't we agree to resolve our grievances before? Why are you giving up so easily? Anyone in this world can give up, except you, Ouyang Mingri! Because I know you're the one who most hopes for both sides to make peace!"
She even began to plot for me, analyzing things in a coherent and logical manner. She revealed that she'd discovered that Chou Doufu was Huangfu Ren, that he was kindhearted and forgiving, and that he and Yingying had developed feelings for each other. She suggested using his marriage to Yingying as a bulwark. She and her sister, Shangguan Yan, persuaded Sima Changfeng, and even... taught me how to "threaten" my father. "You... you've been smart all your life, only to become foolish for a moment! You knew threatening me with yourself would work, but why didn't you know it would work on your father too? Just feign it, and don't ever hurt yourself again... If you continue to be so self-deprecating, I'll... I'll never talk to you again!"
"Never talk to me again!" I laughed. Even her anger was so captivating, like a ray of light that suddenly shone into this tomb of despair, dispelling the long-standing haze. She always had a way, using the most bizarre means, to pull me back from the brink of self-destruction.
She summarized our plan, her eyes blazing. "Tomorrow, I know you've been thinking about how to resolve this deep blood feud. Perhaps we can try to transcend it—to use a new marriage, a stronger threat, an unbreakable family bond to cover up the old grudges... Such deep hatred and estrangement can only be healed with love!" Healing with love... This idea, which I once scoffed at as naive, was surprisingly powerful when spoken by her. I couldn't help but ask the question that had been lingering for so long: "Why did you accompany me into this tomb?" She hesitated for a moment, her eyes flickering, and finally whispered, "Because... you're my friend."
Friends? Just friends? An inexplicable disappointment gripped me. I pushed my wheelchair, ready to leave, but stopped abruptly by the stone gate. Turning abruptly, I asked with one last desperate effort, "Will you be buried with all your friends like this? Are you... not afraid of death?" She shook her head, her expression a calm one of seeing through everything, yet tinged with a longing for life. "It's not that I'm not afraid of death. If death is inevitable, I can only accept it with a more open mind. If I can survive, I still want to survive." She paused, a genuine confusion in her eyes. "Actually, that day... I don't know why. I just know that by the time I realized it, I was already in the tomb... and couldn't get out."
At that moment, the confusion in her eyes was more real than any oath, and it shook my heart more. It wasn't a choice made after careful consideration, but a rush driven by instinct. I stared deep into her eyes, words choking in my throat, only a silent wave surged in my chest. She avoided my overly intense gaze and whispered that she was going to find her sister to report her safety. "I'll go with you." This time, I was no longer a lone player. The tomb, though dark, illuminated our deepest feelings. The road ahead was still thorny, but in my hands, I seemed to grasp a glimmer of light, a ray of possibility... called "us."
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