Searching for roots
My name is Gao Ziling. My adoptive father gave me the name. He said that although feathers are light, they can ride the wind, and he hoped that I would be free all my life. My earliest memories are of hunger, cold, the weight of the iron chain around my neck, and the cold stone steps at the door. They said that I was a jinx and that I had paralyzed my adoptive father. My adoptive mother's eyes were like poison needles that pierced every corner of my body. I don't understand why other children had candy to eat and their mothers to hold them, while it was a luxury for me to even have a full stomach. Only brother Yishan was different. He was my adoptive father's nephew, lived next door, and was ten years older than me. He was like a silent hill. He would secretly hide half a steamed bun for me, and would sit quietly under the eaves not far away to accompany me when I was locked out of the door. His existence was the only warm light in those dark years.
In my memory, after my adoptive father collapsed in bed, the house was always filled with a faint, stale scent, a mixture of herbs and incense. He no longer smiled at me occasionally, as he used to. Instead, he spent all day mumbling to a yellowed scripture, mumbling words I couldn't understand. "Thus have I heard... Form is emptiness, emptiness is form..." I curled up in a corner by the door, watching the clouds drift by outside, these strange syllables filling my ears. I didn't understand what "form" and "emptiness" meant. I only felt the buzzing of the sound, like the annoying chirping of summer cicadas, but also a strange comfort. At least, this sound meant that someone was still in the house, not dead silent. The look in my adoptive mother's eyes grew colder each day, like the frozen surface of a river in December. I knew she thought I had brought misfortune upon her. The chain around my neck seemed heavier. In the spring of my fifth year, my adoptive mother suddenly announced she was taking me out. There was a strange look on her face, not anger, not joy, but a calmness I had never seen before. She even squatted down and brushed the dust off my clothes. We walked a long, long way, so far that we'd never seen such a desolate place before, with only withered grass and scattered rocks. The wind whipped, stinging my face a little. She stopped, pulled a small oil-paper package from her bosom, and pressed it into my hand. It was my favorite sugared pear paste! I looked up at her in surprise, almost unable to believe it. Was it a reward? Because I'd been good today? "Eat it," her voice was dry. I took a cautious bite, the sweet taste melting in my mouth. Overjoyed, I stood on tiptoe with the sugared pear paste, trying to bring it to her mouth: "Mom, you have some too! It's so sweet!" She shuddered, her eyes fixed on me. I saw her eyes redden, something surging violently. She didn't eat the sugared pear paste, but simply reached out and hugged me so hard, almost hurting me. The hug was so fleeting, it felt like an illusion. Then she let go of me, turned around, and, with quick steps, almost like she was running, she disappeared down the road we'd come from. I stood there, holding my half-eaten candied pear paste, watching her shrinking figure. The wind picked up, rustling my thin clothes. Suddenly, something clicked. My adoptive father's oft-repeated phrases popped into my mind: "All dharmas arise from causes and conditions; all dharmas cease from causes and conditions..." Cause and condition arise, cause and condition cease. Wasn't it just like me and my mother? Her giving me candied pear paste and holding me—that was the origin; her abandoning me here—that was the end? This candied pear paste didn't seem as sweet anymore. The cold and darkness gradually overtook me, and I couldn't help but cry, my sobs growing louder and louder. I don't know how long it was, or perhaps not much, before I heard hurried footsteps. My adoptive mother returned, panting, her hair disheveled by the wind. She grabbed my hand with terrifying strength and, without a word, dragged me home. Her palms were sweaty and cold. We were silent the whole way. When we got home, she quietly untied the chain from my neck. That night, for the first time ever, I ate a bowl of warm porridge without too many wild vegetables. Later, my brother Yishan told me that he overheard my adoptive parents arguing and realized that my adoptive mother had truly intended to abandon me. I touched the shallow mark on my neck, remembering that half-piece of candied pear paste, that tight embrace, and the way she returned with tears in her eyes. My adoptive father continued to chant, "All conditioned phenomena are like dreams, illusions, bubbles, and shadows; like dew and lightning; view them in this way..." At the age of five, I learned the "truth." It turned out I wasn't a jinx, I was just... an unwanted girl. My biological grandmother had thrown me away like trash. The moment I found out, I was actually happy. Strange, right? But it's true. People can accept strangers treating them badly, but they can't accept their own parents abandoning them. Knowing they hadn't intentionally abandoned me, the weight that had weighed on my heart for so long suddenly lifted. No matter how bad my adoptive mother treated me, at least she didn't let me die of starvation or freezing. In her world, this was perhaps the greatest kindness she could offer me, a "disaster star." When I was six, the plague took away all of Brother Yishan's family, including my playmate who had given me the jade pendant before his death. The world was vast, and only the two of us were left, each relying on each other. Brother Yishan decided to take me to find my parents.
Like two headless flies, we finally found out about the general's mansion. I can no longer remember how anxious I was standing in front of the vermilion gate. I only remember the concierge's disgusted look and the snow-white steamed bun that was thrown out. Then, I saw the girl who looked like me. She was wearing beautiful clothes and had a bright smile on her face without any haze. At that moment, inferiority and grievances overwhelmed me like a tide. I dropped the steamed bun, turned around and ran away. I was not worthy of such a smile, and I was not worthy of that glamorous world. Brother Yishan caught up with me, but he was clumsy and couldn't comfort me, so he could only accompany me to cry in the dilapidated temple all night.
The next day, I met my sister, Shangguan Yan. She was like a frightened yet fierce little animal, wary. When she asked to examine the birthmark on my butt, shame made me retreat. It was Brother Yishan's words, "Sister, let her see! She'll believe it!" that gave me courage. My sister confirmed it, and we hugged and cried. I had just found my family, then lost them; she had just lost everything, then found me. What an irony of fate. She was holding something in her arms, which I later learned was the imperial seal. Curious, I tried to touch it, but she pulled it away abruptly as if burned. The wariness and regret in her eyes were like a knife, cutting into my heart. I couldn't help but cry again. Brother Yishan saw this and berated Shangguan Yan, "Why do you treat your sister like this?" My sister calmed down and told me what had happened. Who could have imagined that everything would be turned upside down overnight? The family I had never known was gone. My biological parents, whom I had just discovered, one was dead, the other missing. Brother Yishan said that the Ruoshui Palace in the Jianghu specifically recruits beautiful women and teaches them peerless martial arts, but forbids them from interacting with men. My sister decided to take me to Ruoshui Palace. She gave Brother Yishan all her valuables and asked him to lead the way. Brother Yishan agreed. The journey was bumpy, but thankfully, with Brother Yishan's protection, the three of us finally arrived at the Shenshui Palace.
Outside the Shenshui Palace's mountain gate, mist swirled, a stark reminder of the uncertain future we sisters faced. Brother Yishan stood beside us, like a silent, reliable tower. My sister held my hand tightly, her palm a little cold. I knew she worried about our shared fate. Just then, two distinguished elders appeared. One was uninhibited, his gaze blazing; the other, robed in flowing white, possessed an air of immortality. I later learned they were the renowned "Evil God" Gu Mutian and the "Medical God" of the Frontier. Elder Gu Mutian's gaze swept through our anxious crowd, finally settling firmly on me. He quickly strode over to me, unceremoniously pinching the bones of my arm, marveling at me. "Little girl, your strength is one in a million!" His voice, like a resounding bell, made my ears ring. "Come learn martial arts from me. I'll take you in as my last disciple! I guarantee you'll become the best in the world!" The surroundings fell silent, all eyes fixed on me. I could feel my sister's grip tighten. I looked up at this imposing senior. My first thought wasn't joy, but—what about my sister? Without hesitation, I blurted out, "Then can I become your disciple along with my sister?" Senior Gu Mutian shook his head, his tone unequivocal, "I, Gu Mutian, only accept one disciple! Are you willing to be my last disciple?" My heart sank. I looked at my sister beside me, her beautiful eyes filled with deep worry and a thirst for power. She bore a deep blood feud and shouldered her father's legacy of reclaiming Sifang City. She needed power far more than I did. And what about me? Gao Ziling, or Shangguan Ying, her greatest "ambition" was simply to have enough food and clothing, and to no longer be a burden to others. To be the best in the world? It sounded glorious, but how arduous would that path be? Even scrubbing the floor when my adoptive parents asked me to as a child felt like drudgery. Deep down, I harbored an instinctive weariness for a life that required striving and proving everything. I don't want to be a burden or a variable to anyone anymore. This time, I want to make my own choices.
I met Senior Gu Mutian's inquiring gaze. "Old Senior, it's not that I don't want to be your last disciple, it's that I have no interest in martial arts. Martial arts training is too tiring. I used to find it tiring even when my mother asked me to mop the floor!" I saw him raise an eyebrow, as if finding my excuse both ridiculous and novel. He didn't give up, but instead, with a hint of provocation: "You have a clear understanding of yourself, right? But you have extraordinary talent, making you a perfect candidate for martial arts. Your sister isn't as talented as you. Are you really unwilling to follow me and become the best in the world?" Talent? Perhaps I have it. But so what? I turned to my sister, who was looking at me worriedly. I took a deep breath and made my decision. My tone even tinged with a childish cunning and flattery that I wasn't even aware of: "Senior, you are a hermit. If you can make me the best in the world, that's my extraordinary talent. If you can make me the best in the world, that's your talent. I believe in your abilities, so please accept my sister as your disciple. When she becomes the best in the world, she can protect me!" I finished, trying to force a relaxed smile. I gave my sister the opportunity, not because I didn't want it, but because I knew it was the best arrangement for both of us. My sister got what she needed most, and I got what I wanted—a future I could rely on, a future I could rely on, a future I no longer had to prove. See, what a bargain! Senior Gu Mutian was stunned, then burst into a resounding laugh: "Hahaha... Good! You're quite an interesting little girl, as you wish!" I watched my sister step forward and respectfully pay her respects to me. The heavy stone hanging in my heart finally settled firmly.
Uncle Bianjiang seemed to see my predicament. He patted my head lovingly, and, impressed by Brother Yishan's honest strength, he pointed a clear path for him. Then, he led me towards the mysterious Ruoshui Palace. Ahead lay an unknown fate, but at that moment, my heart was at peace. At least, my sister's future was secure! Uncle Bianjiang took me to Shenshui Palace. The Palace Master, my master, looked at me with a complicated expression. Amazement, inquiry, and a hint of... a fanaticism I didn't understand at the time. She noticed the jade pendant on me and immediately accepted me as her personal disciple. Later, I vaguely realized that she mistook me for her long-lost daughter. What a huge misunderstanding.
During my five years at Ruoshui Palace, I learned poison, Qimen Dunjia, and the palace's martial arts. But my favorite part was hiding in the library, surrounded by poetry and songs. There were no beatings or scoldings, only stories of both sorrow and joy. My master had high expectations of me and pushed me hard, even forcing me to transfer my inner energy. Her yin and yang energy clashed with my lazy nature, and eventually, I became possessed. When I was sent to Tianshan, I was in excruciating pain, my meridians burning. My uncle from the frontier region handed me over to a young man. He sat in a wheelchair, very quiet. Aside from greeting my uncle the first day he brought me here, he never spoke again, and ignored me. What a strange man!
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