Chapter 103 “You don’t need me anymore… do you?
The nightmare three years ago that nearly tore Lin Che apart, the deep pain and desperate darkness, were eventually smoothed out by time.
But the deeper pain that almost destroyed him completely was ultimately transferred to Lu Yu alone.
Lin Che remembered the day and night when he struggled back from the gates of hell. The first person he saw when he opened his eyes was Lu Yu.
Those eyes, once eternally calm, were now bloodshot and sunken in their sockets, leaving only a dead silence on the verge of exhaustion. Seeing him awake, Lu Yu instantly rushed to the bedside and gripped his hand tightly, his knuckles turning white with force. His lips trembled, but he couldn't utter a single word. Only scalding tears fell on the back of Lin Che's hand.
At that moment, Lin Che thought they had finally made it through together.
However, that was just the beginning of a long period of suffering.
Lu Yu stayed by his side almost every step of the way, like a tireless precision instrument.
He fed her water and medicine, wiped her body, adjusted the angle of the bed, and even if Lin Che just frowned unconsciously, Lu Yu would jump up as if he had been electrocuted, and nervously asked what was wrong, his eyes filled with deep fear and... an eagerness that was almost like atonement.
At first, Lin Che thought he was just too frightened. He tried hard to smile, trying to show that he was fine, that his wounds no longer hurt, and that his body was recovering. He even deliberately moved his arms and legs in front of Lu Yu, trying to prove that he was fine.
Until that late night.
Lin Che was awakened by the itching sensation of the wound on his neck healing, and subconsciously raised his hand to touch it. As his fingers touched the edge of the gauze, Lu Yu, who was lightly sleeping on the sofa next to him, suddenly woke up as if from a nightmare, letting out a short, suppressed gasp.
The only sounds in the ward were the regular ticking of instruments and the hazy moonlight outside the window.
Lu Yu didn't turn on the light. He practically crawled to Lin Che's bedside. In the moonlight, his eyes were empty and frantic, staring intently at the gauze bandage on Lin Che's neck. His breathing became heavy and rapid, and his forehead was instantly covered with cold sweat.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... It's me... It's me who failed to protect you..."
Lu Yu's trembling hand hovered in mid-air, wanting to touch the wound, only to suddenly pull it back as if burned, repeating several times. Then, he began to tremble uncontrollably, curling up, his forehead pressed against the cold bed railing. Suppressed sobs squeezed out from the depths of his throat, filled with boundless pain and self-blame.
That wasn't normal worry, that was... a breakdown.
Lin Che's heart sank. He reached out, wanting to touch Lu Yu's trembling shoulders. "Lu Yu? Lu Yu! Look at me! I'm fine! The wound is healing!"
Lu Yu suddenly looked up, his eyes filled with a look of complete confusion and fear that Lin Che had never seen before. He looked at Lin Che, yet it was as if he was looking through Lin Che at the moment when the blood splattered.
He grabbed Lin Che's outstretched hand with such force that it almost crushed his bones. "Cheche... baby... there's so much blood... blood... so much blood... don't move! Don't touch it! It will break... it's all my fault... it's all my fault..."
That night, Lin Che clearly realized for the first time that Lu Yu was ill. Seriously ill. While his physical wounds were healing, the wound in Lu Yu's heart, the moment he'd blocked the knife for him, had been torn into a bottomless abyss.
In the days that followed, the situation not only did not improve, but instead worsened like a snowball.
Lu Yu's PTSD symptoms became increasingly severe.
He couldn't bear to see the scar on Lin Che's neck anymore. Even if it was just the pink mark left after the gauze was removed, it would instantly trigger his flashbacks and storms of self-blame.
He would sometimes fall into silence, trembling, nightmare-like mumbling, or a compulsive, almost self-abuse state of "compensation" for hours or even a whole day.
He paid excessive attention to every subtle expression of Lin Che. Any discomfort would make him extremely anxious. He would try every possible way to "solve" it, even if those actions seemed completely unnecessary or even troublesome to Lin Che.
After the psychologist intervened, the diagnosis was so cruel that it suffocated Lin Che.
The root of Lu Yu's PTSD is not only the self-blame for Lin Che's injury, but more deeply, it is the collapse after his deep-rooted, almost paranoid heartache and desire to protect Lin Che were completely destroyed.
Lin Che's existence itself, especially the scar, was the salt that kept tearing open his wounds, constantly reminding him of the tragedy that he had failed to prevent.
He couldn't bear Lin Che showing any vulnerability or discomfort in front of him, because it was equivalent to declaring his "failure" and "incompetence" again, and would instantly drag him back to that hellish scene.
"Mr. Lu's condition is very complex and serious," the psychiatrist said solemnly. "The core of his trauma is closely connected to you. Every time he sees you, especially that scar, he experiences intense flashbacks and self-blame. At the same time, his heartache and love for you, distorted by this pathological psychological mechanism, have become extreme anxiety and compulsive behavior. This has formed an unbreakable vicious cycle."
The doctor paused, looking at Lin Che's pale face, and spoke out his advice with difficulty: "Currently, the treatment plan that is most conducive to Mr. Lu's recovery... is physical separation. Temporarily remove the biggest, unavoidable source of stimulation—that is, you. Give him a relatively safe environment, so that he can try to rebuild his inner order under professional treatment and deal with those traumatic memories, rather than being constantly overwhelmed by them."
“Separation?” Lin Che heard her own voice trembling, so hollow that it didn’t seem like her own.
"Yes. A long enough time, a long enough distance. It allows him to... focus on his own healing without 'you' as a direct source of stimulation. It's painful, but it may be the only way out." The doctor's words were like a cold knife, cutting Lin Che's heart with every word.
He is the root cause of Lu Yu's illness.
He stayed by his side, and every breath, every smile, even every unconscious frown, deepened Lu Yu's pain and pushed him deeper into the abyss.
His love eventually became a torture that Lu Yu could not bear.
This realization was like a poisoned ice cone, piercing deep into Lin Che's soul.
The pain was so severe that he could hardly breathe.
He looked at the man who was once strong enough to hold up the sky for him, but now he became so fragile and broken because of his love for him, and was tormented by nightmares day and night.
The furrowed brows of Lu Yu as he curled up on the sofa and fell asleep, the unconcealable panic in his eyes when he woke up, and the look that instantly turned pale when he looked at the side of his neck... Every scene was like a red-hot iron, burning Lin Che's heart.
He loved Lu Yu more than his own life. Because of this, he could not become a cage that trapped him, nor could he become the last straw that broke the camel's back.
Leave, cut it off, give him a chance to live and get better.
Once this thought arose, it was accompanied by an almost cruel determination.
So, one afternoon, when Lu Yu's condition had stabilized somewhat after his follow-up visit, Lin Che calmly proposed his plan to apply for a doctorate at a top British university. He produced his advisor's letter of recommendation and presented his irresistible research project, speaking in a calm, rational, and coherent manner, as if this were simply an ordinary career plan.
The color drained from Lu Yu's face instantly. He stared at Lin Che, his eyes filled with disbelief, pain, and panic. "Why? Cheche? You...you want to leave? Is it because of me? Because I'm not good enough? I..."
Lu Yu's voice began to tremble, and that familiar sign of impending collapse appeared again.
"It's not because of you." Lin Che forced herself to meet Lu Yu's gaze, her heart aching as if it were being crushed. However, her tone was deliberately distant and firm. "Lu Yu, this is my future. This opportunity is too rare, I don't want to miss it. We both need... space."
He avoided words like separation and treatment, and wrapped the bloody truth with future and space.
"Space?" Lu Yu murmured repeatedly, his eyes broken, "You don't need me anymore... right? Because I... I have become a burden to you..." The huge sense of self-abandonment almost overwhelmed him.
"Not a burden!" Lin Che interrupted him abruptly, with a hint of uncontrollable trembling. He took a deep breath, suppressed the surging emotions, and tried his best to maintain superficial calm, "Lu Yu, you will never be a burden. But... I need to pursue what I want. Just like... just like you also have your world to manage." He cruelly positioned their relationship as parallel lines of development.
It was a silent torture.
Lin Che watched as the light in Lu Yu's eyes gradually faded, watched as his straight back gradually hunched, and watched as his clenched fists loosened weakly.
Lu Yu no longer objected fiercely. He just looked at him with a dead and desperate look that Lin Che had never seen before, as if his soul had been pulled out.
"good……"
After a long while, Lu Yu finally squeezed out a broken syllable from his throat, which was extremely hoarse. "You... go. I... will wait for you."
The last three words were as light as a sigh, yet as heavy as a vow.
Lin Che left the room almost as if fleeing. The moment she closed the door, the tears she had been holding back burst out.
He knew how cruel he was, and he personally cut off Lu Yu's desire to survive, pushing him into deeper loneliness and pain.
But he had no choice.
He has to leave.
If he stayed, he was afraid that he would eventually watch Lu Yu being completely crushed and destroyed by the heavy love and self-blame.
Leaving is the only way to survive in despair, and it is the last piece of driftwood that Lu Yu can grab on the edge of the abyss.
Even if this piece of driftwood requires him to exchange it with his equally bloody heart.
At the same time, he must carry Lu Yu's love and move forward alone, and he must always believe that Lu Yu's love will never change.
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