2.002 Probing
When Su Yu returned to town, it was past lunchtime. She went to check out the legendary state-run restaurant, but it was already closed. Fortunately, she didn't have any money or coupons on her, so she wasn't too disappointed.
She walked along the street, stopping and starting, not caring that her stomach was growling with hunger. This wasn't her old life, where she could eat whenever she was hungry, 24 hours a day, and use Alipay when she ran out of money.
With her stomach rumbling intermittently, she wandered the streets, unwilling to return to the house where she had woken up.
That was clearly the place where the original owner spent the most time. Once inside, memories flooded back. To Su Yu, every brick, tile, blade of grass, and tree in the house was unfamiliar, but that damned sense of familiarity was real, a stark reminder that the Su Yu of another era was dead.
Living in the 21st century, she was born in the 1980s, during the strict implementation of the one-child policy. Her parents were a civil servant at the Land Administration Bureau and a primary school teacher, respectively. Unable to bear the consequences of unemployment and fines, they gritted their teeth and accepted their fate of not having a son, but they were also full of resentment. The couple would quarrel several times a month. They would smash all the chairs and cabinets in the house and replace them, but they would still quarrel. However, they never considered divorce.
Her family lived in a small county town with a bad social atmosphere, especially one that favored sons over daughters. In her grandparents' and maternal grandparents' villages, there were families whose houses were demolished after women who had become pregnant and fled to have sons. People at the time were even proud of this, praising those who fled to have sons for their courage and responsibility. Su Yu remembered that every time she went back to her hometown, a war would break out at home.
Her father was so lazy that he didn't bother to work hard at his job because he only had one daughter. He just coasted along for almost twenty years, eating, drinking, and collecting his salary. When she got into university, her father was promoted to a junior section chief because of his age. Before her accident, her father was still a junior section chief and was only two or three years away from retirement. At that time, he often complained at home that he should have risked losing his job to have a son back then, so that he wouldn't be in his old age without any grandchildren to enjoy.
He felt heartbroken whenever he heard people talking about their sons, and sometimes he even felt that they were mocking him for not having a son. He would be envious when he saw other people's grandchildren. At this point, he no longer felt that his daughters and grandchildren were outsiders. When Su Yu was 35 years old, he called her three times a day, urging her to find someone to marry and have a child. After two years of urging without any progress, he finally accepted her idea of not getting married. However, he did not give up his desire to have a grandchild, so he changed his approach and tempted her to buy sperm to have a child, and he would pay for it.
Ah, at this time his thinking was extremely open-minded, but she still clearly remembered that in her first year of college, he went back to his hometown to have dinner with some people. When an old man was drinking, he mentioned his grandson who was still in junior high school, saying that his grandson would definitely go to college and bring honor to the family. That day her father got drunk and came back crying, saying that he had nothing to brag about in his life and could only be a lowly person listening to people bragging and talking nonsense at the dinner table.
That was in the early years of the 21st century, when college students weren't commonplace. Although she only got into a second-tier university, she was the first person from her hometown village to go to college. But her father wasn't proud of her and didn't even bother to mention it.
From then on, Su Yu gave up the desire to compare herself with her non-existent "son." Before that, she had always thought that as long as she was sensible, didn't cause trouble, and had better grades than the boys in school, and was competitive in everything she did, her father would change his view that "sons are better than daughters" and be proud of her. But that didn't happen. Even though she became the first college student in her hometown, in his heart she was still not as good as a boy who was still in junior high school and whose future was uncertain.
That year, she stopped cutting her boyish hair and grew it long. She began to hate what her father said and did, hated him when he was drunk and beat his wife, hated her mother who could support herself but couldn't bear to divorce her. The family relationships were extremely distorted, but she had to put on a good show in public and be glamorous. She also had to go back to her hometown every month to show off, and she would even spend money to help the villagers for a good reputation.
Years of repression led Su Yu to never have a boyfriend after graduating from university. The thought of marriage and starting a family made her feel resistant from the bottom of her heart. Finally, at the age of 28, she used the money she had saved from her job to make a down payment on a two-bedroom apartment. The apartment gave her confidence, and she announced to her family that she would never get married or have children in her life.
On her 35th birthday, she finally paid off her mortgage and even had some savings. Without the pressure of the mortgage, she began to feel complacent about her job, which she had been working tirelessly for over a decade. Every early morning commute and late-night overtime made her consider changing jobs, but she was still young; she couldn't afford to retire more than twenty years early. Her peers were all mothers, and she wanted another member in her family, but she wasn't willing to risk her life for a child. She conceived the idea of adopting a little girl, so she would have a companion and someone else to care for besides work.
She started researching the requirements and information for the job, but died on her way to get the information. She was hit by an out-of-control car while crossing the pedestrian crossing. Fortunately, she died from impact and did not suffer the pain of the car accident.
"Su Yu, Su Yu, what are you doing?"
Hearing the voice, Su Yu turned around and saw an older woman carrying a gray cloth bag calling to her from the wall. "Oh, Aunt Qiu," she said, "she's a long-time employee at the canned food factory canteen and Su Yu's supervisor."
Su Yu then remembered that she still had a job, a job that Ning Jin had promised to find for her before she married him. It was a secure job that cost 400 yuan, with a monthly salary of only 17 yuan and "leftovers" that she could bring home.
She couldn't afford to lose this job. Su Yu didn't know if anyone in her husband's family could help her ask for leave. Ning Jin's older brothers both worked at the food factory. She went over and said, "Aunt Qiu, I was hospitalized yesterday for heatstroke and was just discharged this morning. I felt uneasy staying in the house, so I came out for a walk to try and recover quickly so I can go back to work."
"I know you had heatstroke. I went to your house to find you yesterday afternoon when you didn't come to work. Your neighbors said you fainted and your face turned blue. The sun is at its strongest at this time of day. Even though there's no wind inside, it's better than being out in the sun. Go home and rest. Don't get heatstroke again." Aunt Qiu waved her plump hand, pressing Su Yu home to rest, telling her to rest for a few more days before going back to work at the canteen.
Yesterday, she heard from Su Yu's neighbor that Su Yu had fainted and suffocated, her face was pale and she was shivering. Someone said that she was taken to the hospital and the doctor said that she had no heartbeat. It scared her to death.
Su Yu was a quiet person. When she first arrived at the canteen, she didn't mind the dirt and hard work. She did a lot of the work that others pushed onto her. She didn't complain or get angry. Aunt Qiu, who was in charge of several people under her, knew but pretended not to know. No one has to work their way up from the bottom. Who knew that she almost caused a death? If something happens, the factory will definitely push her out as a scapegoat.
"Go inside and rest for a few more days. Go back to work when you're fully recovered." Aunt Qiu escorted Su Yu back under the scorching sun, and even took a bunch of chives out of her cloth bag and stuffed them into her hand to help her replenish her yang energy.
It was one or two o'clock, the time for afternoon naps. The only sounds in the alley were the chirping of cicadas and the scratching of dogs on doors. When Su Yu opened the door, she saw the little black dog sitting at the door, wagging its tail and looking at her. When she went into the kitchen, it jumped over the threshold and ran in.
The kitchen had a stove and a coal stove, both used in the countryside, but the coal in the stove had gone out. Su Yu opened the cupboard and saw that there were eggs and noodles inside. She washed the chives and cooked the eggs, chives, and noodles herself.
A meal used up half a box of matches. She had only seen this kind of wood-burning stove in her hometown and knew how to light it and burn firewood, but she had never tried it herself. In the morning, she used up half a box of matches to boil water for washing her hair and taking a bath, and now she used up half a box of matches to cook a meal. In order to avoid using cold water at night, she taught herself to put coal briquettes in the stove hole. By the time she finished eating, the coal briquettes were red-hot.
She poured the leftover food into a broken bowl to feed the dog. She could hear people walking in the alley and bicycle bells ringing, and the noise made her feel safe.
Reaching the bedroom door, she pushed it open, revealing a disheveled bed. The sheets were rolled into a clump, and half of the bedding hung to the floor—probably pulled down by the neighbors carrying someone yesterday. She glanced at the sun outside, then stepped into the room. A cool shade enveloped her, and she imagined a woman in the prime of her life, shoes still on, slumped painfully on the bed, clutching her clothes, trying to catch her breath, trying to live.
"Are you still here?" Su Yu stood by the bed and muttered to herself, "I don't know if you're still here. When I became conscious, I was already inside your body. I never thought of taking your body back."
There was a noise at the door. Su Yu turned around sharply and saw the little black dog standing outside. It wanted to come in, but the threshold was too high. She went over, picked up the dog, and examined it carefully. There wasn't a single stray hair on its body. Su Yu carried it in and said, "Look around. Is there another person in the room who looks like me? If so, bark."
Only then did she realize that she had been in this body for two days and hadn't even seen what it looked like.
The little black dog didn't bark. It ran to the bedside, picked up a cloth shoe, lay down on the ground, and chewed on it. Su Yu kicked it away, but it went and picked it up again. She didn't know if the rumor that black dogs could see things that people couldn't see was wrong, or if "Su Yu" had disappeared.
“If you’re still alive, come and get it if you can get back into your body. If you can’t come back,” Su Yu paused, “if you can’t come back to life, I’ve used your body to help you raise your son and take care of your parents.”
After she finished speaking, she stood in the room for a long time. Nothing happened, and there was no sound. Su Yu's eyes were tired from staring, but she still found nothing and assumed that "Su Yu" had disappeared.
The windows and doors were opened to let the sunlight in. The sheets on the bed were pulled down, and the bedding was taken outside to air out. The clothes piled on the chair were also taken outside to soak in the laundry tub. The floor was paved with red bricks, and Su Yu swept it and sprinkled water on it. She then chose two pairs of trousers with many patches and squatted down to wipe them clean.
As the sun was about to set, around six o'clock, Su Yu carried a basin to the weir to wash clothes, just as she remembered. It took her about ten minutes to walk there. She was clumsy with the washing mallet, and despite being very careful, she still managed to hit her fingers with it.
Carrying the basin home with her fingers raised, Su Yu saw someone sitting at the door when she was still some distance away. As she walked over, the person looked up, and Su Yu hesitated before calling out, "Dad?"
Su Changguo didn't sense anything was wrong. He stood up, dusted off his pants, emptied the ash from his pipe, and went inside with his daughter. He asked, "I heard from Jianshe's mother that you went back to the village. Your mother has been at home and hasn't seen you go. I came to see you. Why did you go to the village but not go home? What happened?"
"I just wanted to check if Xiaoyuan was with you. I was relieved to know he wasn't running around, so I didn't go back." Su Yu didn't put on any clothes, and sat on the chair with her hands clasped together. Fortunately, "Su Yu" was usually quiet, and her father didn't notice anything wrong with her less-than-enthusiastic attitude.
"He's just a little kid, his anger is only temporary. He's having a good time at home, don't hold a grudge against him. Mother and son don't hold grudges overnight." Clearly, Xu Yuan had gone to complain to his grandparents.
Su Yu smiled but didn't say anything.
Su Changguo put the cigarette holder in his mouth, took a long drag, and then realized that there was no tobacco left in the pipe. He rested his hand on the back of the chair and asked, "I just heard that you had heatstroke and were hospitalized. Your face was pale and you almost died. Why didn't you tell your family? We can't count on your brother and sister-in-law, but your mother and I are still alive."
Su Yu is the youngest daughter in the family. She has three older sisters and one older brother, all of whom are still alive. There are two other older sisters and one older brother who died young and did not grow up.
Su Yu looked at her father, who was over sixty years old, and tentatively asked, "What if I want to divorce Ning Jin?"
"Bullshit! What does your heatstroke have to do with Ningjin? Who told you about the divorce? No respectable people around here get divorced. I don't have a divorced daughter." Su Changguo cursed in a rough voice. Su Yu listened with her head down, shutting her mouth and not daring to mention it again. If she did, the old man would label her as "not a respectable person."
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