Chapter 30 Perhaps, Gu Zhan never truly loved her from beginning to end...
Shen Mi's gaze fell on the booklet, where the handwriting seemed to transform into a menacing monster, leaping off the page and shouting in her ear: "Stop dreaming, he doesn't love you at all!"
"He is the Crown Prince. His Crown Princess will only be someone from a prestigious family, with both parents and brothers still alive, and someone he grew up with. How could it be you? So what if you've been married to him for so long? A year of marriage like strangers, do you think it can compare to more than ten years of childhood friendship?"
At this moment, Shen Mi felt a stinging pain in her eyes, and she could barely breathe. She clutched her chest tightly, and it seemed like someone was calling her, but she couldn't hear anything clearly.
With barely maintained composure, she placed the booklet on the table and it took her a long time to calm herself down.
From the moment she married into the Eastern Palace, she knew that Gu Zhan would eventually marry the real Crown Princess. At that time, she never imagined that one day she could be like an ordinary couple with Gu Zhan, looking forward to the birth of their child together, going to temples to worship Buddha together, and sleeping side by side in the same bed...
But these things really did happen. After she lost her child, Gu Zhan hugged her and told her to live a good life from now on. And today, he even covered her hands.
Since Gu Zhan had no feelings for her, and even when she was pregnant, he was already preparing to marry Su Yuzhao, why did he pretend to be loving and harmonious with her all this time, moving her and making her naively think that Gu Zhan might still care about her?
Perhaps, Gu Zhan never had any feelings for her from beginning to end.
Gu Zhan's kindness towards her stemmed from her miscarriage at the Emperor's birthday banquet. Perhaps all the tenderness he showed her during this period was out of Gu Zhan's guilt towards the unborn child.
Just like before, when he defended her in front of outsiders, it was only to maintain the dignity of the Crown Prince Palace, as he himself said.
Cuiwei was assisting Shenmi when she noticed something in the booklet that had suddenly made her lose her composure. At first, she was stunned, then filled with disbelief and grief, and finally, she simply curled her lips into a self-deprecating smile.
Although she had a smile on her face, her eyes revealed endless sorrow, and two lines of tears streamed down her cheeks.
No matter how much Ren Cuiwei called out, she didn't utter a single word.
Cuiwei had been by Shen Mi's side since childhood and had never seen her like this before. Even on their wedding night, when Shen Mi was left alone in her room by the Crown Prince, she had never shown this expression.
Seeing Shen Mi cry, she felt even more heartbroken and took out a soft handkerchief to wipe away Shen Mi's tears; "Liangdi, what's wrong? Why are you crying all of a sudden?"
Shen Mi took the handkerchief from Cuiwei's hand and wiped away her tears little by little. She didn't want Cuiwei to worry about her, after all, there was nothing she could do if she told Cuiwei. So she slowly shook her head: "It's nothing. Take this booklet and that gift list back. I'm a little tired."
Seeing that Shen Mi was unwilling to speak, Cuiwei could only sigh softly and do as Shen Mi said.
Shen Mi took a deep breath, forcing herself to detach herself from the emotions she had just experienced.
Although it wasn't visible on the face, it was like a long needle slowly piercing the heart, neither too hard nor too soft.
Whether it was the disappointment of unfulfilled expectations or the realization that she had shattered this one-sided dream, she found herself unable to tell.
The snow was still falling outside the window, but Shen Mi's state of mind was very different from before.
She called for Cuiwei to bring the zither over and place it on the small table on the soft couch. She gently stroked the strings, as if this would allow her to briefly escape the life controlled by fate.
Until she turned her head by chance and saw a pair of black boots peeking out from the courtyard gate, followed by the hem of a dark robe fluttering in. Shen Mi immediately lost interest, pressed down on the vibrating strings, and the music stopped abruptly, and the world returned to silence.
Normally, upon seeing Gu Zhan, Shen Mi would have risen from the soft couch, eagerly awaiting his arrival. But this time, she had no such intentions whatsoever.
After Gu Zhan entered, Sun Cheng stood guard outside. Danju took his snow-covered cloak and, as usual, withdrew with Cuiwei, leaving this space to His Highness and Consort Liang.
Shen Mi rose listlessly from the soft couch and bowed to Gu Zhan according to custom.
When Gu Zhan saw that she didn't greet him with a smile and ask if he was cold as he had imagined, he felt a little uncomfortable.
Shen Mi picked up the zither and put it back in its original place.
When she turned her back to Gu Zhan, she couldn't help but think that if she hadn't married Gu Zhan, she could have thrown a tantrum and acted spoiled after learning that her husband had a different mind. Or she could have sent Gu Zhan a poem like Zhuo Wenjun did, to dispel his thoughts.
Unfortunately, that's not the case.
For her, Gu Zhan was not only her husband, but also her lord.
In response, she could only gradually restrain her feelings towards Gu Zhan and force herself to forget the tenderness she had felt during this time, just like at this time last year when she had just married into the Eastern Palace. If she only felt awe towards Gu Zhan, perhaps her heart wouldn't be so tormented.
Gu Zhan casually sat down on the soft couch where Shen Mi had just been sitting and looked at Shen Mi.
That slender figure remained in his sight the whole time, but this time it seemed to be deliberately avoiding him. From the moment he entered, she showed not even a tenth of the intimacy she usually showed him.
He called the woman by her childhood name: "Zhi Niang".
A slightly deep voice entered Shen Mi's ears. If you listened carefully, you could hear a hint of tenderness that tickled her heart. At that moment, she felt as if she had been transported to another world, and her back stiffened.
She paused for a moment, turned around, and whispered, "Your Highness, what are your orders?"
Gu Zhan pulled her hand from her sleeve, gently stroking her fair hand with his thumb, and looked up to ask, "Are you in a bad mood? Or are you upset that I and Ziyou have been discussing matters for too long?"
After he finished speaking, he was also somewhat shocked, shocked that he had never had such patience for someone in his life.
Shen Mi didn't move, and said softly, "No, I'm not in a bad mood," she paused, "and I wouldn't dare blame Your Highness."
Gu Zhan moved slightly to the side, grabbed Shen Mi's forearm, pulled her forward, and made her sit next to him, close to him, and then half-embraced her in his arms.
"Then why did you stop playing the zither so suddenly when I arrived at the entrance of the Azure Phoenix Palace?"
Shen Mi didn't look at Gu Zhan, and just casually made up an excuse to brush it off: "Perhaps I'm a little tired."
As for whether she was physically or mentally exhausted, she couldn't say for sure, or perhaps it was both.
Gu Zhan lowered his gaze and noticed her slightly damp eyelashes. He asked, "Have you been crying?"
Shen Mi forced herself to remain calm in front of Gu Zhan, saying, "I was just too sleepy and yawned."
Gu Zhan hummed in agreement, taking it as if he knew, and didn't press for details. He simply said, "If I remember correctly, your birthday is in half a month."
Shen Mi's fingers, which were gripping her sleeve, froze.
If Gu Zhanruo hadn't mentioned it, he would have almost forgotten about it.
In another half month, it will be the thirteenth day of the eleventh lunar month, her birthday.
Just last year at this time, she had only been married into the Eastern Palace for a few days. Gu Zhan had also caught a cold because of her and had not come to Qingluan Palace. She did not know Su Xingjian and had no relatives in the Eastern Palace. No one cared about her birthday as an unfavored concubine and simply cooked a bowl of longevity noodles.
Seeing her stunned, Gu Zhan asked again, "Did I remember wrong? I checked your birth date and time in the inner palace, and it is indeed half a month from now."
Shen Mi then came to her senses slightly, "No, it's half a month later, the thirteenth of the eleventh lunar month."
"Well, that's good then. At this time last year, you should have already married into the Crown Prince's Palace. I was busy with state affairs then, and you didn't mention it to me. It just passed by quietly. This year, we'll hold a grand ceremony. If there's anything you want to add afterward, just tell Sun Cheng and have him handle it with the relevant officials. Also, write down any invitations you want to send to people in Bianjing, and the Crown Prince's Palace will send them over together." Gu Zhan relaxed his brows and gave instructions in a casual tone.
Shen Mi didn't know why Gu Zhan suddenly wanted to hold a birthday banquet for her, but she could only express her gratitude first.
If it were before, she might have thought that Gu Zhan still had feelings for her, but at this moment she only regarded Gu Zhan as an emperor. An emperor can bestow gifts on people at will.
She forced herself to think that way, but she still couldn't help but feel a lump in her throat.
Outside, the snow was a vast expanse of white. Perhaps because Gu Zhan had given instructions later, no servants bothered to sweep the snow away in front of the Qingluan Palace. Instead, the snow was left to fall naturally and spread out on the ground.
Even though it was already dark, the snow made the surroundings shine.
Seeing that Shen Mi was quiet today, Gu Zhan decided to stay up early with her, which was a rare occurrence.
In the two weeks leading up to Shen Mi's birthday, Gu Zhan continued to visit Qingluan Palace every day as usual, treating her the same as before, with no difference.
So much so that she once thought she was seeing things, once thought that the book didn't have those nine flower crowns at all, once thought that Gu Zhan's promise to stay together forever still held true, and once thought that Gu Zhan wouldn't marry Su Yuzhao.
But if she doesn't think so much, can she still gloss over the situation like this?
Shen Mi couldn't help but ask herself, wasn't this exactly what she had hoped for when she first married into the Eastern Palace last year?
On the night of her birthday last year, she made a wish over a bowl of plain longevity noodles. Her wish was not to be in love with His Highness, but to treat each other with respect and not to be strangers.
It seems that it has already been achieved?
She suddenly felt a little lost, like a snowy day that hadn't stopped for days.
If she hadn't seen Su Yuzhao on her birthday.
She was momentarily speechless.
The night before, Gu Zhan had ordered Sun Cheng to send over a robe, which was a little too big. She didn't think much of it, assuming it was because she had lost weight recently. She didn't mention it to Gu Zhan, since it was difficult to make last-minute changes. It was only her birthday, and she didn't want to make things difficult for her subordinates or let Gu Zhan think she was being nosy.
On her birthday, she changed into a dignified and beautiful ceremonial robe, had Danju comb her hair, and had pearls applied to her cheeks. She also wore the most fashionable pearl makeup at the time. She thought she could have a good birthday, but she ran into Su Yuzhao.
Su Yuzhao seemed completely unaware of her unusual behavior and greeted her.
Shen Mi returned the greeting, but she quickly convinced herself that Su Yuzhao would soon be marrying into the Eastern Palace anyway, and the two of them would see each other all the time, so why should she create unpleasantness between them now?
Just as the banquet was about to begin, Sun Cheng brought many gifts. She thought they were from the guests, but if they were from the guests, they should be sorted out and registered. Why were a few of them picked out and given to her at this time?
A hint of bewilderment appeared in Shen Mi's eyes: "Eunuch Sun, what is this?"
Sun Cheng smiled and said, "You are very fortunate, Consort Liang. These are all gifts from His Highness. He instructed me to deliver them to you separately and not to mix them with others."
Shen Mi looked at the long line of palace servants following behind Sun Cheng, "But weren't His Highness's rewards delivered to Qingluan Palace yesterday? And what about these?"
Sun Cheng turned to the side and told the palace servants to bring forward all the gift boxes on the tray. He smiled and said, "Lady Liangdi, His Highness's reward is a reward, and the sentiment behind the birthday gift is the sentiment itself. The two should not be confused."
He smiled and instructed his servants, "Why haven't you properly delivered His Highness's sentiments to the Azure Phoenix Palace yet?"
Shen Mi glanced at it and asked, "Why are there so many?"
Sun Cheng bowed to her and said, "Your Highness's meaning is not yet clear to me. Your Highness is not an outsider to me, so naturally I cannot give you a token as if you were an outsider." After saying that, Sun Cheng took his leave.
Shen Mi looked at the East Palace, which was covered with red silk from top to bottom. It was even more lively than when she married into the East Palace last year. After all, the Crown Prince did not need to hold a grand banquet to welcome guests when he took a concubine.
She was momentarily stunned.
When her father and brother were alive, the most joyous and grandest event of the year for the Shen family was her birthday. At that time, she would receive many, many gifts. Although her brother often teased her, he would give her many gifts every year on her birthday.
From as far back as she can remember, she knew that her brother had given her four or five gifts. She asked him about it, and he said, "I think they're all pretty good. I couldn't choose one, so I gave them all to you. My little sister certainly deserves the best."
Later, she would receive several gifts from her brother every year.
But now, the person who is sending her several gifts is actually Gu Zhan.
The banquet had not officially started yet, and it was cold outside, so Shen Mi did not go to the front. Any officials who wanted to curry favor with Gu Zhan would have their female relatives try every means to come to Qingluan Palace to pay their respects to Shen Mi.
For a moment, she actually had the illusion that she was the mistress of the Eastern Palace.
She had expected to meet many people, but she never thought she would meet Su Yuzhao.
When Su Yuzhao arrived, she was carrying a small brocade box.
Shen Mi subconsciously regarded her as the future Crown Princess and got up to greet her.
Su Yuzhao quickly came up and sat down intimately beside her, placing the brocade box on the table.
Shen Mi's gaze shifted to the brocade box. "Didn't Miss Su already give you a gift?"
Su Yuzhao smiled and said, "This is not a gift I am going to give to Consort Shen. My brother asked me to deliver it."
Shen Mi was astonished: "Master Su? Why would he send a gift separately?"
Su Yuzhao looked worried. "It's unfortunate. A few days ago, my brother had prepared a gift and wanted to deliver it to Liangdi in person on her birthday. But unfortunately, he was sent by His Highness to investigate a case the day before yesterday. With this trip, he probably won't be back until the end of the year, and he will definitely miss Liangdi's birthday. That's why he asked me to deliver it."
"But why wasn't it delivered along with Miss Su's?"
Su Yuzhao pouted and said, "What my brother means is that His Highness is probably unhappy that he sent the gift to Liangdi directly, but he also doesn't want it to be combined with mine, so he asked me to deliver it in person. I don't know what he's thinking."
Shen Mi opened the brocade box, inside was a crystal-clear jade bracelet, made using the twisted wire technique, which could not have been completed in just one or two months.
She was somewhat surprised: "I like it very much. Please ask Miss Su to thank Master Su for me later."
Su Yuzhao had finished her business and did not linger in the Qingluan Palace.
Shen Mi gently stroked the jade bracelet, but then suddenly fell into a daze.
Why would Su Xingjian worry that Gu Zhan would be unhappy if he knew that Su Xingjian had given him a gift?
Was it because he saw her chatting happily with Su Xingjian in the snow that day?
Shen Mi realized that she couldn't understand Gu Zhan, nor did she know where his suspicions came from.
She felt that the person next to her in bed was a stranger.
Was Su Xingjian really only exchanged two words with her before being sent to a remote area?
Just as she was thinking, Gu Zhan pushed the door open and entered.
She hurriedly closed the brocade box containing the jade bracelet that Su Xingjian had asked Su Yuzhao to bring, not wanting Gu Zhan to see it.
Gu Zhan noticed a box on her desk and asked, "Who sent this?"
Shen Mi unexpectedly found herself wanting to avoid the question, and she said softly, "There are too many people coming and going, and I have forgotten."
Gu Zhan glanced at it again, but didn't ask any more questions. He said, "The banquet is almost over. Let's go. I'll introduce you to someone else while I'm at it."
"Who is it?" Shen Mi pushed the brocade box further inside.
Gu Zhan said calmly, "You'll know when you see it."
Shen Mi nodded gently, but the moment Gu Zhan embraced her again, she felt a sudden urge to avoid him.
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Author's Note: I got carried away and it's a bit late. I'll continue with ten more red envelopes. [Pity][Pity]
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