Chapter 11: The blind date bureau is always changing, but the chicken in the copper furnace is always there.
You can't escape it, you can't hide from it, so you might as well enjoy it and find joy in suffering.
The fifth deal Tang Ke made with her mother was to ask her sister to ask her brother-in-law to buy a Meituan Copper Oven Chicken set meal coupon. The meal for three people was only 79 yuan, and the store would also randomly give away a summer special refreshing double skin milk. Each person was limited to one purchase. In exchange, Tang Ke promised to strictly abide by organizational discipline, maintain a good attitude, and go on blind dates.
"Don't worry about the ending. Did I go? Did I put on makeup and dress beautifully?" Tang Ke gestured from head to toe with her hands, interrupting her mother's instructions. "Look, aren't we trying our best? You said we can't find someone like Dad. I'm doing everything I can to find you a rich husband. Don't worry, there's always hope if you keep trying!"
Dong Ci has been teaching Chinese in junior high schools for half her life. She is always saying old sayings and proverbs, but they are useless in front of Tang Ke. If I had known this earlier, I would not have signed her up for youth debate competitions when she was a child. When she grew up, she used all her dirty tricks on her own mother.
"Can you stop talking nonsense? If you were more serious, I wouldn't have to worry so much. Your sister got married at 24, had a child at 25, and now her second child is in elementary school. What about you? You're over 30 and don't even have a boyfriend. You act so unpresentable all day long." Dong Ci was furious. He took out a pair of flat shoes from the shoe cabinet and threw them in front of her, "Wear these."
"What do you mean thirty? I'm only twenty-seven this year, okay? What's wrong with you?" Tang Ke put his feet in, rubbed the soles of his feet, and put his shoes on while standing. "I'm leaving now. You can tell the succulents on the balcony about the rest. It's almost the same. Bye!"
"Be serious! Do you understand—" Dong Ci shouted, but his voice disappeared in the corridor.
Tang Ke was riding her electric scooter and wearing a helmet when she received a message. It was a screenshot of the QR code of the meal voucher sent to her by her brother-in-law. She replied with an emoticon of a 90-degree bow to express her gratitude.
Her mother had recently joined a dating group. She had no idea what was going on there, but she knew her mother wasn't a good person. The exact details of how her mother introduced her in the group were obvious; it was 80% false advertising. Her first blind date described her as quiet, her second as lively, her third as intelligent, and her fourth as virtuous. Come on, how could she possibly handle such a humiliating situation?
In short, her blind date prospects were a mixed bag. Some were mentally challenged, some were ugly. The slightly better ones didn't earn as much as she did, while those who earned more didn't have as high an education as her. The more educated ones were often mama's boys. It was too much of a struggle for her to find a consistent relationship, and even if she got married, she'd be reproductively isolated. Besides, she wasn't in a rush to get married. Rushing to the grave was simply a sign of tiredness. Who would complain about having a long life?
Blind dates might betray her expectations, but Tonglu Chicken wouldn't—and when it comes to Tonglu Chicken, she perks up! It's so delicious! The chicken is fresh and clean, the honey sauce is mouth-watering, the rice is Northeastern rice, and there's a free fruit plate.
Blind dates come and go, but the couple’s relationship remains unchanged.
The touch of delicious food diluted Tang Ke's aversion to blind dates, saved time, and at the same time shut her mother up, asking her to give the unit's best employee award not to someone with connections, but to "Tonglu Chicken" instead. The people agreed.
Arriving at the restaurant, she greeted the waiter and headed to her usual seat. She had been here four times and always sat in the same seat, which was less crowded when she got her fruit plate.
Tang Ke paused for a moment before sitting down. She'd arrived early, hoping her blind date wouldn't order her favorite food. Just as early was the guy sitting behind her, the one currently sitting back to back. She was taken aback because that guy had been here four times before, and each time he'd sat behind her.
His name is Fu Yu, he is 29 years old, a programmer in a well-known Internet company, he has a younger brother, his assets include a house and a car, and a savings of 400,000... Tang Ke originally did not want to gossip about his private affairs, but she could not stand the fact that he always sat here with her on a blind date at the same time, and he would review the old things in her ears every Saturday, causing her to passively know a lot of his information.
Whatever, whatever, it's not easy for anyone. To be a trendsetter of the times, how can you just fool people with a few words? Tang Ke sighed and pursed his lips, calling for a waiter to check his ticket.
Fu Yu glanced at his watch. Half an hour had passed since the agreed time, and he was sitting there drinking lemonade, his appetite surging, but his blind date still hadn't arrived. Later, Na Jie came every time diligently—her voice sounded like the official voice of a female game character. He memorized it after hearing it once, and he didn't even need to turn around to know it was Na Jie again.
She always ordered a three-person meal, her favorites being the pork ribs and copper-pot chicken and the classic copper-pot chicken. Afterward, she loved watching variety shows. Once, when her blind date left early, she leisurely pulled out her 11-inch iPad from her bag and ate for two hours straight. Her family must have been easier to explain to him than his. He would have to report back what they talked about, his impression of her, and her attitude towards him. However, he often falsified his reports, and when he was caught, he only received a small reprimand and a small loss of face.
"Hello, both of you?" the doorman said to a man and a woman who came in together. The man and woman looked at each other and quickly waved their hands to indicate that they were not together.
Tang Ke raised her hand, hoping for a bowl of double-skin milk, but instead of milk, she got the man – her blind date was an old man, or rather, he looked like an old man. Her face paled in an instant, and she lost control of her expression.
Is this really not a scam? He has black hair in the photo! This, this... is very unkind to her eyes and violates the core socialist values. As a civil servant undergoing an assessment of her abilities, she resolutely refuses to allow such a thing to happen.
"Hello, Mr. Chen." Tang Ke gave a professional smile.
"Hello, hello," Mr. Chen replied politely, his gray hair gleaming brightly in the overhead light. Up close, he wasn't old, wrinkled, or sagging; he simply had a lot of gray hair. He simply liked wearing polo shirts, just like her boss, and he liked to cup his hands and rest his chin on them, unintentionally revealing his luxury watch... He wasn't innocent at all.
"Tang Ke, right?" Mr. Chen didn't pour the water or pick up his chopsticks. After sitting down, he kept looking at her affectionately, or more accurately, with fatherly love. "Your name is really catchy."
"Haha." Tang Ke laughed dryly, his mouth faster than his brain, "Anyone who has read Don Quixote knows how deep the doorway is."
Mr. Chen also laughed, "Then you should be called Tang He? Haha, that nickname is just Hehe, not nice. Ke Ke sounds better."
Tang Ke was stunned for a second, then suddenly smiled with relief. It's better to be a little mean in life to have hope. Kind people are often bullied. No, that's not right. Did you serve the people today? Yes.
"Let's eat, Mr. Chen. You must be exhausted from the journey." Tang Ke picked up the chopsticks to pick up the meat and dealt with his blind date absentmindedly. There was nothing that could not be solved by nodding, smiling, and saying "hmm".
"Fu Yu, meaning wealthy, did your parents give you this name because they hope you'll make a lot of money in the future? Haha, it sounds very auspicious."
Hearing the conversation, Tang Ke glanced back. The guy was wearing a black shirt and a pair of black glasses, with a straight back. He must have suffered from "back pain" as a child. Then he glanced at his blind date. Damn, is this guy a match?
"No," Fu Yu replied, his tone so flat that it was hard to tell whether he was joking or seriously sharing some trivia. "My mom likes Voldemort and Lin Daiyu. This is their CP name."
"Ah? That's a bit unpopular..."
Of course it was cold. He'd made it up, and who knows why he was called that? Fu Yu was dedicated to chatting till death, so he could finally save time to go home and play games. The girl behind him seemed to have bad luck today, having met a difficult blind date. Her voice was listless, and she could only respond to one of every three sentences he said.
"I heard that your mother teaches Chinese at XX Junior High School. I have a high school classmate who is also teaching there now. I wonder if your mother knows him.
"Your mother is a Chinese teacher, so have you been reading a lot of classics since you were a child?
"Do you know what Don Quixote is about? I read it a long time ago and have forgotten it. Your mother must be thinking..."
Tang Ke answered every question with a blank stare, completely evading the question. She couldn't explain anything Mr. Chen asked, saying she didn't know or remember anything. "Don Quixote," regardless of whether her mother truly harbored such lofty expectations for her, her undying passion, pure kindness, and fierce sense of justice—all of it was utterly shoved out of her mind. She simply wanted to live an ordinary, unhinged existence. Since she was one step behind Don Quixote in terms of "good deeds," then speaking of good deeds...
"Oh, right—"
"big."
"?"
Tang Ke had barely uttered two words when a voice from behind interrupted her train of thought. Mr. Chen asked her what she was going to say, and she vaguely replied, "Nothing," and lowered her head to continue eating, but in reality, she was perking up her ears to listen to what the guy behind her was saying—what were they talking about? I hadn't heard for a while, so what were they talking about? What's the big deal? They've already picked up the whole topic. What are they talking about?
"The company is quite large, with about three buildings. I'm in the development department. If you're interested, you can come and visit," said Fu Yu.
cut--
Tang Ke felt a bit bored, so she stood up and ordered two more plates of fruit. She was thinking about how to get Mr. Chen to do what he wanted to do, as she really didn't have time to play with him.
Fu Yu saw that his blind date wasn't very interested in him, so he simply spoke frankly, "It's okay, you don't have to consider my feelings, just say whatever you want to say."
"Oh..." The girl smoothed her hair, a little embarrassed, "Have you been on a blind date many times? This is my first time."
"Yeah, five or six times."
"You haven't developed any of them yet? I think you have pretty good conditions."
Fu Yu raised his glasses. Since he had never liked going out since he was a child, and the nature of his current job made him stay at home even more, his hands, face and neck were all the same shade of white.
"As for marriage, I can't talk about it in a positive way. I think I have to talk about it in a negative way. Let's see if you can bear it and then consider it. If your values and personalities don't match, there's no need to develop it."
The girl nodded and said, "That makes sense. Marriage is not like dating after all."
While one side was getting better, the other continued to struggle. Tang Ke was baffled. Why did this old man have so much nonsense to say? He had the energy to start a live stream instead of giving orders and making speeches. It was a waste of his talent. Her face slowly fell, she couldn't act anymore. Where she could have thrown in some humor, this guy was so out of touch with her. Not only did he not understand, he even took the initiative to exploit the topic. She couldn't rush to give him material anymore. Could she not eat it or waste it?
"Actually, you really should think about this carefully," Mr. Chen said with a sudden sigh, "Women age very quickly after they turn 30."
Tang Ke tutted his lips, not caring if it would offend the other person, "You men are fifty as soon as you turn twenty-five. How can you be as fast as them?"
"Hey? How old are you this year?" the girl asked Fu Yu.
"Fifty." Fu Yu came back to his senses and changed his words: "Twenty-nine, sorry."
"You look like you are usually lively and articulate. Do you have any hobbies?" Mr. Chen considerately filled the glass of lemonade in front of her.
Even if Tang Ke was dead, he would not drink the glass of water. He replied casually: "Watch dramas, read novels, and play games."
"Don't you want to go shopping or something? Don't you women love shopping? Haha. If you want to go shopping, I can accompany you later."
"I usually shop on Taobao. If you really want to join in, you can just watch me and do it. Of course, the prerequisite is that you give me money." Tang Ke emphasized the last sentence.
"I watch anime, build Lego sets, and play games," said Fu Yu, who happened to be asked a similar question.
The girl was surprised: "You are still a 2D person, I can't tell."
Fu Yu raised his glasses again, "Amatras."
"ah?"
"Now you see it."
“…”
The girl left first, making an excuse that she had something to do. Fu Yu wanted to take out his phone to watch the football game and finish the rest of the meal, but the girl behind him seemed angry, and her tone was much stronger than he was used to. Curious, he eavesdropped quietly.
"What are you talking about, Mr. Chen? You're not right to say that. I can't tell whether you are open-minded or conservative, or open-minded and conservative. Regardless of whether you get married or not, you must have basic human rights, right? Are you trying to educate me like a sweeping robot?" Tang Ke usually likes to joke around, but when it comes to issues involving dignity, she will get serious and argue with him. In this respect, she is very similar to her mother.
"Okay, okay, I was wrong. I was wrong. You are different from them. You are a woman with your own opinions." Mr. Chen did not take her dissatisfaction seriously and comforted her softly.
Tang Ke suspected that she was too polite. She really should have packed up this person and sent him to "Science Approaches" to find out what his composition was. He must have lived a very long life and had no moral baggage.
"Mr. Chen, I don't think we're suitable. Let's not waste time." Tang Ke stared at him expressionlessly, almost staring a hole through his eyes. She wanted to shoot him in the head.
Mr. Chen restrained his smile and was silent for a long time. He shook his head in a serious tone and said, "Okay, see you again if we're lucky."
It was not until he disappeared at the door of the store that Tang Ke let out a long breath and called Dong Ci with red eyes.
"Hey, yes, we met and we finished chatting. What did we talk about? Good question! We talked about the Three Obediences and Four Virtues, and about a virtuous wife helping me achieve my ambitions. What a psycho! I'm really angry! The previous ones weren't this exaggerated. Where did you find this weirdo? Did you really screen carefully, mom? The lives of cattle and horses are also lives! This time it's really not my fault! I'm telling you, he looks one way in the photo, and another in person. It scared me to death! Anyway, I really need compensation for mental damages this time. Quickly quit that "Sanxi Bridge Marriage Mutual Aid Group"!..."
The person on the other end of the line actually tried to persuade her to keep quiet. Tang Ke grew increasingly furious as he spoke, wanting to complain but holding back out of politeness. Now, all his words came out at once, "Don't try to make excuses for yourself. You've definitely made a mistake this time! So what if I'm financially well-off? I can't stand his stinginess. Who knows if it's all his money? I won't come next week. I can't stand it anymore. You can't push me anymore. I'm already traumatized. I can't stand it no matter how hard I try. And today is so unlucky. Everything is going wrong. The double skin milk they gave me is vanilla. I don't want vanilla, I want chocolate. I can't stand it anymore..."
The final straw that broke the camel's back was a complimentary dessert. Tang Ke would forever remember this devastating day. She had lost her luck as a consumer, her filial piety as a daughter, and most importantly, her dignity as a meme king. No more words, it was all in the wine. Tang Ke downed a glass of lemonade—a fresh pour, not the one Old Chen had poured. One must be wary of others, and more than that, it's essential.
After hanging up the phone, Tang Ke looked at the mess on the table: the overcooked winter melon, the rice cake stuck to the wall of the pot, and the watermelon slices that she had poked with holes... People should bring a guide dog with them when they are on the phone.
Forget it, I’ll just brush some sweet potatoes.
Tang Ke lowered his head, immersed in posting. While the vanilla-flavored double-skin milk was refreshing and cooling, it wasn't her Empress Chun Yuan after all. He'd better cultivate some feelings before eating.
Is there any obstacle in life that cannot be overcome? Is that an obstacle? As long as your feet are big enough, they can be a massage mat.
She knew that one day she would get married, one day she would have a child who would make her stupid for three years, one day she would become another sister under her mother's expectations. Thinking about it too closely made her anxious, so her strategy was to not think too much, but to think abstractly: "Life is a fucking movie." He told me.
Her mother had indeed made her read a plethora of classics since she was young, including all the classics from ancient and modern times, both Chinese and foreign, that made it into Douban's top 100. At home, there's a mountain of book reviews she wrote during her nine years of compulsory education. Her mother had hoped she would grow up to be a woman of profound learning, but the reality is that she's spent all her talent surfing the internet, reciting and playing memes with such intensity that others laugh at her madness, while I laugh at them for not seeing through her.
A joke loses its humor when told too many times, and a meme fades when its popularity fades, but its abstractness remains constant. A wanderer wanders through a sea of flowers, wearing what? What kind of clothing is the opposite of being untouched by a single leaf? Lucky clothes! Immersed in superficial entertainment, this was Tang Ke's secret to staying young and happy, a panacea for all his troubles.
After brushing the sweet potato for a few minutes, Tang Ke successfully got rid of the unpleasantness brought by his blind date. He took a tissue and picked his nose. One cannot predict when his nose will itch. When you suddenly realize the existence of this organ, just pick it without thinking.
Someone patted her shoulder gently from behind. Tang Ke turned around unexpectedly, with the tissue still in her nostrils.
"Do you want some? Chocolate."
Oh my god, this is the first time I see the face of the guy behind me.
The author has something to say:
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Good luck with the opening!!
This is a sloppy article about two abstract meme kings who make do with each other and eventually develop a relationship, a tacit understanding, and the rest of their lives. Welcome to appreciate it [cat head]
There will be jokes popping up in the article without warning, including old jokes, clichés, cold jokes, hot jokes, historical jokes, literary jokes, game jokes, professional jokes, and simple jokes. There are so many that the author himself cannot count them all. If there is anything you don’t understand, please leave a comment!
Of course, the memes are just seasoning, just like a sentence without a metaphor is still a sentence. It doesn’t matter if you don’t get it. I wish you all a happy meal [heart]
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