Chapter 23 Little Bear
"I don't know if the source of my illness is the pain caused by withdrawal. I love performing, but I'm afraid to go on stage."
“Because I know that once I leave the stage, the endless emptiness will surround me again.”
"I hate myself for being like this. I enjoy the love from fans, but I am also afraid of this love."
"In order to repay this love, I always want to put on the best performances and the best works, so as not to disappoint my fans."
"But it would be better if it weren't that simple. I have many shortcomings, and the pressure of being afraid of disappointing fans makes me think that instead of showing an imperfect performance and disappointing fans, I might as well just stop singing and dancing to escape it all."
"You asked me why I got sick. Actually, I can't explain it clearly," Jiang Shen smiled bitterly. "There was no sign. It was really one day, when the lights came on for the performance, I suddenly couldn't breathe."
Ren Fenghe looked at Jiang Shen.
Some time had passed since he came back and finished saying this, and the warm room could not warm his pale face.
He looked very tired.
Love can be a support or a burden.
Ren Fenghe's love for Jiang Shen supported her through the nights of collapse, but she never thought that her love for Jiang Shen would become part of Jiang Shen's pressure.
It shouldn't be like this, no true fan would want the pressure of being a loved one.
Fans only hope that the people they like can eat well, exercise well and sleep well.
Ren Fenghe endured the bitterness, moved to Jiang Shen's side, opened his arms wide and hugged him.
Jiang Shen felt the sudden extra weight on his body and hugged him back, rocking Ren Fenghe from side to side in a soothing and playful manner, saying, "Okay, I've answered the first question, but I don't know if you can understand it."
Ren Fenghe was in the other's arms, and his voice sounded muffled through his clothes.
"I understand."
"You dance well, sing well, you don't have to be the best in your own mind, you are already the best in my eyes."
You don’t have to be the best in your own eyes, you are already the best in the eyes of your fans.
Jiang Shen buried himself in the big hood of Ren Fenghe's down jacket and laughed sullenly. He said, "When have you ever heard me sing?"
Ren Fenghe immediately started singing: "Golden Hook, Golden Hook..."
Jiang Shen's shoulders and body shook with laughter, and Ren Fenghe, who was hugged by him, was forced to shake with him. Jiang Shen laughed for a long time before calming down. He praised generously, "So you heard me singing in the mall just now."
He released Ren Fenghe from his arms, pinched Ren Fenghe's cheek, and said with a smile: "Thank you for liking my dance and the song I sang."
Every time he pinched Ren Fenghe's cheek, he pinched it very lightly, and Ren Fenghe could break free from his hand in an instant.
Ren Fenghe said: "You're welcome, it really sounds nice."
Ren Fenghe's hug and singing pulled both of them out of the heavy atmosphere.
Jiang Shen continued: "Okay, now let me answer your second question."
Before he spoke, Ren Fenghe stuffed the red flower pillow on the sofa into Jiang Shen's arms, pointed at the pillow and said, "Holding this will make you feel at ease."
Jiang Shen deliberately teased her and asked, "Can't I hold you like I did just now?"
Ren Fenghe crossed his arms in front of him and refused, saying, "I'm not a doll."
She is an ethical fan and does not intend to have too much physical contact with her idol unless it is necessary.
Jiang Shen made a gesture of understanding and obedience, and hugged the pillow tightly.
The soft pillow was very comfortable to hold in his arms, supporting Jiang Shen's body.
Jiang Shen went on to say, "As for when I have panic attacks, it's mostly when I'm stressed out at work."
"I can't dance, and I can't sing." Ren Fenghe said that it was normal for Jiang Shen to dance in the practice room, and it was fine for him to sing just now.
I can't compose or arrange music either.
Sometimes when she got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, she would see Jiang Shen wearing headphones and sitting in front of his laptop. What's on the computer screen is obviously a musical arrangement.
Jiang Shen said: "I can't sing and dance normally, but sometimes I go into the studio to sing and dance with the camera on."
No wonder the camera in the practice room has never been turned on, and Jiang Shen has never been seen in the recording studio.
Jiang Shen said something else, and Ren Fenghe summed it up by saying that he would panic whenever it came to work.
She was worried. Would Jiang Shen be able to return to the team normally?
A large palm came down and rubbed her head unceremoniously, and when the large hand was raised, static electricity caused her hair to stand up.
Looking at her reflection in the glass with her hair flying high in the sky, Ren Fenghe had no time to worry at all. She widened her eyes and punched Jiang Shen again in anger.
You really deserve a beating!
How can you be so annoying!
Ren Fenghe looked at Jiang Shen, who was lying on the sofa holding his stomach with laughter, and really wanted to kick him.
But she looked at Jiang Shen, whose cheeks turned red again as he laughed, and snorted softly.
Forget it, since he is so happy, I will forgive him this time.
Ren Fenghe got down from the sofa and passed by the clock. It was already ten o'clock in the evening.
There are still two hours until the new day begins.
Ren Fenghe walked towards the room, passed by the secret room, and stopped.
As a fan, she was worried about Jiang Shen, but at the same time, she would be angry from time to time about the fact that Jiang Shen had a child.
As a friend...
She and Jiang Shen should be considered friends now, right?
Although she is a friend who hides her identity behind a shell.
As a friend, if the existence of a family can help Jiang Shen recover and become healthy and happy again, then having a child...
It's acceptable and forgivable.
Ren Fenghe shouted "I'm going to sleep!", went back to the room, changed his clothes, brushed his teeth, washed his face, and lay down.
Not long after I lay down, the door opened and the light from the corridor flowed into the room.
Jiang Shen saw Ren Fenghe with his eyes still open.
"You forgot this." Jiang Shen raised the thing in his hand and shook it.
A wide, large, red and green Christmas stocking.
Ren Fenghe was so speechless that she uttered "Ouch!" She pulled the quilt over her head, wanting to see nothing but peace and quiet.
Jiang Shen, who was far away, could not hear Ren Fenghe's silent voice. Seeing that she covered her head, he just thought that he had woken her up by opening the door. He scratched his face guiltily and walked into the room, finding the most suitable place for the Christmas stocking at the head of the bed.
"Go to sleep. Sorry for waking you up." After hanging up the Christmas stockings, Jiang Shen stepped back and closed the door.
Ren Fenghe didn't hear the sound of the door closing. She pulled her face out of the quilt, stood up and looked at the door. There was a small gap in the door.
It looks like Santa Claus will quietly come in through this gap and stuff something into her socks tonight.
Ren Fenghe lay down again, and after a while, he remembered that he had just bought a pair of Christmas socks.
Did Jiang Shen hang that Christmas stocking?
Ren Fenghe was very curious and wanted to know.
She stood up again, put on her slippers, opened the door and walked out.
After walking out, I found that Jiang Shen was not in the room or in the living room. He went out again.
She blinked her eyes in the empty living room, took out another Christmas stocking from the bulging shopping bag, folded it and stuffed it into her pocket, then walked to Jiang Shen's room, looking for the best place to put this Christmas stocking.
After confirming the location, she did not hang the Christmas stocking up. Instead, she took the stocking back to the room and did something mysterious in the room. It took her a long time before she closed her eyes and fell asleep.
In the middle of the night, after the entire city had turned off the lights and fallen into a deep sleep, the quilt on the bed in Ren Fenghe's room arched up.
During the time the person in the quilt was sleeping, her hands were always in her pockets, holding something, and she didn't sleep very well. From time to time, she opened her eyes to see if the lights in other buildings were turned off. If they were not turned off, she closed her eyes again.
This time when I opened my eyes, all the floors opposite were dark, with no light at all except the moonlight.
She yawned loudly, pulled back the quilt, stood up, subconsciously looked at the ground, and then rubbed her eyes.
Some time ago, when she had a nightmare, Jiang Shen would always sleep on the floor in her room.
It was not until a few days ago when she clearly stated that she no longer had nightmares that Jiang Shen returned to his room to sleep.
With the help of moonlight and eyes that had adapted to the darkness, she took the socks out of her pocket and got out of bed. As soon as she got out of bed, she found that there were things in the room that were not there before.
She looked at the head of the bed and saw a doll next to the socks Jiang Shen had hung there.
She turned on the night light in the room, and the light instantly filled the entire room, allowing her to see the doll clearly.
She glanced at the door, which was completely closed.
Just as she guessed, Jiang Shen went out again to buy her a doll.
Ren Fenghe looked at the doll on the bedside table.
The doll is very big, half as tall as Ren Fenghe. It is a little bear doll with a chubby face and a round belly. The doll looks honest and cute, and is wearing a scarf.
The scarf did not come with the doll. The washing label was different from the doll’s. Jiang Shen put it on it specially.
Ren Fenghe looked at the doll carefully and could see that it had curly hair. The shape and curvature of the hair looked a bit like a rose.
Ren Fenghe knows this doll. Fans will give dolls of this brand to the members of amanecer at the signing event.
She hugged the doll and put her face against it. The doll's fur was particularly soft and smooth, and the touch was so lovely that she couldn't let it go.
Ren Fenghe put the doll back and yawned loudly.
In order to do something, she was afraid that she would sleep until dawn, so she didn't dare to sleep relaxedly at all. She always slept and woke up, woke up and slept again. She was tired and sleepy.
Ren Fenghe was not wearing slippers and was barefoot as she took out her bedtime creation from the drawer in her room.
It's a painted postcard.
She carefully stuffed the postcard into a sock that was exactly the width of the postcard. After putting the postcard in, she quietly opened the door and ran to the kitchen.
Jiang Shen hid all the snacks, but he couldn't hide them from her.
She climbed onto the kitchen counter, opened the snack cabinet, and pulled out a bag of candy.
She grabbed a handful of candy and stuffed it into the Christmas stocking.
After doing all this, she closed the cabinet, got down from the kitchen counter, and slipped into Jiang Shen's room.
The curtains in Jiang Shen's room were drawn tightly, and there was no light at all.
Ren Fenghe tiptoed in in the dark, found the place she liked, and put the Christmas stocking there.
After doing all this, she yawned loudly again, went back to her room and fell asleep.
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