Lou Xinyue (1)
My name is Lou Xinyue. Before I was 12 years old, I was Zhang Zhaodi from Liuhe Village.
I should be like all the Zhaodi and Pandi, born because I was expected to be a boy.
My situation has not been good since I was born, not to mention after my younger brother was born.
My family situation is not good. My mother suffers from minor illnesses all the time. After she gave birth to me, the doctor did not recommend having a second child. My father works in a mine and is the only breadwinner of the family.
When I was a child, I was introverted, quiet, wore patched clothes, the front of my slippers was half missing, and I was dirty all over. I went to school in the village at that time, and after school I had to help with housework, feed pigs, and carry firewood. I had almost no free time.
Because I know they want to get me out, so I can only work hard to prove the value of my existence.
The teacher said that knowledge can change destiny.
I know, so I study hard. I don’t know what is on the other side of the mountain, but I know that if I can’t change my destiny, there will still be countless mountains on the other side.
They like my younger brother and never betray me, nor do they ask me to give in to him. As long as my younger brother likes something of mine, it is his. I don’t have anything that belongs to me.
Not even a name.
My grandma is the best person to me in this world.
She calls me Yueyue.
She said, when I was born, I almost drowned in a water tank because of family planning.
She was the one who carried me out of the house and named me Zhang Xinyue.
I asked her why her name was Zhang Xinyue.
She said it sounded nice and the star on TV was called Xinyue.
But my parents disagreed and insisted that I call her Zhaodi.
I don’t like this name. Everyone in Liuhe Village calls me Zhaodi, except my grandma who calls me Yueyue.
They forced my grandma to live in the old house. The adults said there were too many conflicts, but I know that was not the case. They just thought that my grandma was old and had difficulty walking, so they didn't want to take care of her.
In addition to taking care of the farm work at home, I also have to pick up my younger brother.
By the way, my younger brother is attending primary school in town. My father said that the education in town is better, and he will send him anywhere as long as he is willing.
That's great, as long as he is willing...
They made me drop out of school without asking for my opinion. I no longer wanted to know what was on the other side of the mountain because I had endless farm work and fields to hoe at home.
It was winter back then, and I had to get up before dawn and it took me four hours to get to town.
I waited for a long time, and only after everyone had left did I find out that my father had picked him up on a motorcycle early in the morning.
I stood up from the flower bed and walked back. The pair of shoes on my feet were my mother's leftovers. The soles were worn thin and the stones hurt my feet, but I didn't feel it anymore.
Before I had time to think about whether it hurt more to have a sharp stone hit my foot or to have the hoe that I couldn't lift while hoeing the ground hit my foot, something happened at home.
I had just opened the door and before I could say anything, I was slapped hard in the face.
My ears were buzzing from the beating and my mother started scolding me.
She said, you are a disaster. Not only did you bring me a lot of diseases when you were born, but now you almost killed your brother.
Later I learned that when my father was returning with my brother, the car overturned and the people rolled down the slope.
My brother got stitches on the back of his head, and my father's leg hit a rock and he became limp.
It was winter and there was heavy snow in Liuhe Village. I stood outside the door, listening to the cursing from inside the house, not daring to make a sound.
The pillar of the family fell, and my younger brother returned to the village to go to school. He told everyone that his sister was a disaster star and that he would be unlucky if he was with me.
So, I was alone in Liuhe Village. I was wearing tattered clothes and watched them skipping rubber rope and hopscotch from a distance.
After they had enough fun, I would play hopscotch by myself, imitating them. Occasionally, when I got tired of playing, I would run to the hillside and take a nap. Only then could I become Zhang Xinyue again.
I overslept, and when I got home, my mother twisted my chilblained ears and scolded me for being lazy and a waste of money.
I waited for her to finish beating and then went to cook. After eating, I washed the dishes. After washing the dishes, it was time for the pigs at home to eat. Everything was cleaned up.
I hid myself in the wet and cold quilt but couldn't fall asleep. I secretly got up and followed the path to the old house. The road was slippery in winter and I fell several times before I got there.
It’s called an old house, but it’s just a shabby house made of wood. My grandma should be asleep at this time.
I shouted softly.
The wooden door made a creaking sound, and grandma lit the kerosene lamp, "Yueyue is here."
I couldn't help crying.
My grandma knew that I was beaten again.
She sighed and called me in.
The room was drafty on all sides, and the wooden bed made a noise when people sat down on it.
Grandma mixed some salt water and applied it to my wound.
Grandma's arms were always warm. She patted my back and told me the story of my grandmother sucking her fingers.
I have heard this story many times.
She said it was like eating fried dough twist, with a crunchy texture.
I couldn't resist the urge to sleep and didn't have time to ask what mahua was.
The wind is cold and this little house is my safe haven.
The winter nights are endlessly long, and so is the winter.
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