I want to be happy with her.
Gu Wanlin had just woken up and looked still dazed. I had to try very hard to resist the urge to kiss her.
She seemed to want to get up by herself, but she couldn't get any strength from lying half-reclined on the camping chair. She stretched her neck forward, but before she could even lift her shoulders, she collapsed back onto the canvas chair.
Her face paled again. She closed her eyes and gave a self-deprecating laugh. "A year has passed. Sometimes when I wake up from a dream, I still don't remember that I can't move."
Having spent these days with her, although she doesn't say it herself, I can tell that every time I see her with her eyes closed and her face pale, I know that she is trying to adapt to and resist the sudden dizziness. She gets dizzy not only when changing her position, but also when sitting still for a long time. Sometimes she will also feel dizzy while eating, and she will feel chest tightness, shortness of breath, nausea and vomiting.
Gu Wanlin's current physical condition is so poor that it's worrying. She used to sleep short, and could be full of energy all day long after sleeping six or seven hours every night. But now she is very sleepy. Although she sleeps longer, she doesn't sleep well and always looks tired and listless.
Both caregivers told me privately that Gu Wanlin's condition was better before she went to the respiratory ICU. Now, after resting at home for more than a month, she has not fully recovered. This is partly due to the cold weather after winter, which is very difficult for paraplegic patients, and partly because she has not returned to the hospital for rehabilitation training and has only kept the passive stretching exercises at home.
It's called rehabilitation training. Director Sun also confided in me privately that her sensory and motor planes are currently stuck at the armpit level, and the possibility of them declining further is extremely small. There is still some hope for the muscle strength in her arms, but the most important thing is to maintain her current athletic ability and improve her physical fitness through sufficient exercise. It's like rowing against the current; if you don't move forward, you'll only fall behind.
Zhou, the nurse on the early shift, also told me about an even more serious problem. She said that although she was earning this salary, she naturally hoped that Gu Wanlin's health would improve so that one day she could take care of herself without relying on others. However, the morning and bedtime home care alone was still too much for Gu Wanlin's current physical condition. Generally speaking, with her injury in such a high position, she couldn't be left alone at this stage.
Putting everything else aside, just turning over at night is a different story. When her parents were still alive, they would take turns getting up once in the middle of the night to help her. Now, she has to rely entirely on herself with the help of the electric nursing bed, swinging herself over with her arms and shoulders, plus the assist belts on both sides of the nursing bed, making a mess of the process.
Although the loss of her right leg means she has to carry less body weight than other quadriplegic patients, the asymmetrical pressure distribution causes greater problems. She has no way to find soft pillows to support the pressure points when lying on her sides.
Gu Wanlin's nursing equipment was top-notch, including an expensive intelligent alternating pressure-reducing mattress brought back from abroad, but it couldn't compare to the precision of human care. Several times, Sister Zhou noticed localized erythema on her body, especially on her right stump, which was on the verge of developing into pressure sores. When she told Gu Wanlin about it, she just laughed it off, seemingly unconcerned.
“If pressure sores develop, it’s not just a matter of suffering; in severe cases, it can be fatal,” Sister Zhou told me with great concern.
I knew all this, so how could I not worry about Gu Wanlin? But the issues of picking her up from rehabilitation and nighttime care ultimately boil down to the same thing: ever since her parents passed away, Gu Wanlin has refused to hire a full-time live-in caregiver.
I've brought it up with her indirectly several times, but she brushed me off with excuses like being tired, wanting to rest, or being able to manage on her own. Finally, she looked at me seriously and said something similar to what she had said to Jiang Yu: she really couldn't stand being watched by a caregiver 24 hours a day, constantly being reminded that she was a severely disabled person who couldn't live without someone to take care of her. She just wanted some breathing space of her own and didn't want even that little bit of freedom to be taken away.
I understand her, and of course I understand what she's thinking, but I can't help but worry. These days, whenever possible, I try to stay at her house after lunch to work, making sure she takes her stress, drinks water, urinates, and takes her medication on time, so that the caregiver can come in the evening, in case anything happens during the day.
I still need to find a suitable opportunity to persuade her again. As I reached out to help her fix her hair, I asked her, "What did you dream about?"
She looked up at me and smiled gently. "It's been so long since I've seen snow. I dreamt of that winter when we were traveling abroad, and we were walking in the snow under the same umbrella to eat barbecue."
"Your dream is so easy to come true. We'll go out for barbecue tonight, to the place we loved most when we were in college. Look, I spent ages building a snowman for you. Doesn't it look like the one you built for me before?" I pointed to the person next to her.
She examined it carefully for a long time, then teased me, saying, "Why is your snowman missing eyes? I've never made one this perfunctory before."
I gritted my teeth, opened my palm, and showed her the two small pebbles I had carefully selected by the river. "Gu Wanlin, do you have any conscience? I specially chose two nice ones to put on together when you wake up."
Gu Wanlin's smile was warmer than the winter sun in the afternoon. She opened her arms to me, "Help me sit up, I can't reach it while lying down." I helped her move around, and we were already working together seamlessly. Since it was easy for her to choke while lying down during the meal, I picked her up to relieve the pressure and put her on the wheelchair next to me.
Seeing her slightly furrow her brow and shake her neck from side to side, I remembered what the caregivers had told me: Gu Wanlin was a reserved person; if you didn't ask her if she was uncomfortable, she wouldn't say anything. Since she wasn't proactive, the caregivers had to be. So I asked her, "What's wrong? Is your neck uncomfortable?"
"I'm fine today, just a little stiff, nothing to worry about."
I sighed, catching the extra information in her words. Today was alright, but it would usually be worse. I had felt the stiffness in her neck and shoulders before she got out of the car.
She smiled gently at me, "Why do you always sigh? Qing, I like to see you happy. Sighing really doesn't suit you. I'm fine now."
I stood beside her. "Gu Wanlin, tell me, what can I do to make you more comfortable?"
"Then could you help me stretch my arms and shoulders? It doesn't have to be complicated, just support my arms, straighten them above my head and then lower them, repeat a few times." She handed me her hand.
I did as she asked, supporting her arm and helping her move her neck and shoulders. I glanced at the surgical incision on the back of her neck, hesitated for a moment, and then placed my hand on it. "What about here? Should I massage it?"
Unexpectedly, I saw her shiver as if she had been electrocuted. "I'm so sorry, I forgot my hands are so cold." I was so startled that I quickly pulled away.
Her voice was as soft as snowflakes falling on a tree in a gentle breeze, “No need. It’s not a problem of muscle and fascia stiffness. There’s a metal plate inside for fixation. Just like when someone else breaks a bone, it hurts a lot when it first breaks, but it’s almost healed now. Sometimes it can be a little uncomfortable when the weather is bad, but it’s really fine today. It’s okay, don’t worry.”
I don't know how many times she's said "I'm fine" since we reunited; it's almost become her catchphrase. How could I be fine when I was so badly injured? She's just trying to comfort me.
Seeing my silence, she spoke again in a light tone, "Okay, that's enough. Turn around and let me see what pretty pebbles you picked up."
She reached out for the stone I had saved for the snowman's eyes, but it was too small. She managed to pick it up with her wrist, thumb, and forefinger, but it trembled and almost fell after only a short distance. She immediately deflated, looking rather sullen. I took her hand and guided her to add the eyes to the snowman.
"Okay, wipe your hands, let's eat." I took out the alcohol-based hand sanitizer and carefully wiped her hands, but I couldn't help but frown. "I've been keeping them nice and cool under the blanket for you, why are they so cold? It's my fault, I should have put gloves on you."
“Winter is always like this, don’t worry about it.” She still had that nonchalant look on her face. “Let me see what you’ve done.”
Actually, I didn't do much. Last night, I didn't have much time to prepare, and Gu Wanlin couldn't stay outdoors for long. It was much simpler than when I usually go camping with friends. I just prepared a simple meal to make her happy.
"I stewed the beef bone soup and deboned meat last night, and I brought the egg crepes I made at home. The rice cake slices were ready-made; I just added some shredded cabbage to cook them together." I smiled sheepishly.
"You got home so late last night, how long did you prepare?" She raised her hand to ruffle my head and smooth my hair. Her fingers were long and slender, and I used to love the feel of her fingertips running through my hair, so gentle and delicate. But now I felt her curled knuckles, still gentle, but without much strength.
"It won't be long. If you're touched, eat more." I served her a bowl and scooped up a spoonful to bring to her lips. "I forgot to bring your utensils. Is it okay to eat like this?" The camping bowls and utensils all had thin steel folding handles, which were really inconvenient for her to use. If something went wrong and she got burned, not to mention she would feel sad seeing it.
She turned her head away. "It's okay, I'm not hungry. You eat first. I eat very slowly."
"Then let's eat together. You can eat at your own pace. I only brought one spoon, you don't mind, do you?"
She shook her head.
I was busy feeding her and then busy feeding myself; she wasn't hungry, but I was really starving. Sharing the same food brought back that familiar, warm feeling from our past daily routines.
She didn't eat much, and then shook her head to indicate that she was done eating.
"Gu Wanlin, even if you want to cultivate immortality, you can't eat so little every day."
She said helplessly, "No, I'm really not hungry. Ah Qing, I'm sorry... Your cooking is really excellent, and you've worked so hard for so long, but I just can't eat right now..."
"Why are you apologizing? If you're tired, take a rest. I've prepared other things too, you can eat them later if you get hungry." After I finished tidying up, I moved a chair next to her and showed her photos of my camping trips with friends over the past few years on my phone.
To be honest, the highlight of every camping trip is bringing out a whole mobile kitchen after parking the campervan or setting up the tent. We eat from morning till night, from appetizers to desserts, and finally, we have some late-night snacks to go with drinks.
I showed her photos of me and my friends laughing heartily, or photos of food being photographed directly, introducing her to friends I've made good friends with in recent years, whom she didn't know, and the new dishes I'd learned from various places.
I want to make up for the five years of my life that I didn't witness with her presence.
She looked closely, and the corners of her mouth turned up as I excitedly recounted the story. "Aqing, seeing how happy you've been all these years, I'm really happy for you."
I want to share her joy.
I crossed out the next photo. "Look, this is a smoked meat recipe I learned from elsewhere. I used black tea and white sugar to lightly smoke pork shoulder meat that was simply marinated with salt and black pepper. I can't make this at home because it's too smoky. If you'd like, we can go camping together in the spring and I'll make it for you."
She gave a vague reply. We basked together in the warm sunlight, doing nothing but quietly watching the fluffy white coral-like strands hanging from the leafless branches, listening to the babbling brook, and feeling so happy that we were almost intoxicated.
The silence was broken when her phone alarm rang.
She knew, and I knew what it was.
I took out a clean, wide-mouthed plastic bottle that I had prepared beforehand, looked at her, and asked, "Can I do it?"
She nodded silently, then closed her eyes.
These past few days, she has stopped refusing my help with things she can't do herself, but she still resists it and doesn't want to see it. Before leaving the house today, I asked Sister Zhou to wrap her up warmly. Since her injury, her blood circulation has been poor, and she can't regulate her body temperature, so she's very sensitive to the cold in winter.
Sister Zhou was more thoughtful than I was. Worried that the cold outside might cause the fluid to freeze and clog, she hid it under several layers of pants. I had to be quick to open the valve, empty the drainage bag, and pour the contents into a clean bottle. I couldn't let her do it herself. Even though I was fast, her ankles still got chilled by the cold outside; they felt cold and hard to the touch.
"Okay." I put the bottle away before calling her, and then washed my hands.
"I'm sorry to trouble you to do all this for me..." She looked dejected.
I knew what she was going to say, so I interrupted her, "Gu Wanlin, I've told you many times that I don't think there's anything wrong with it. You used to wash my underwear during my period, and you taught me how to use tampons correctly the first time I used them. Since you didn't mind that I was dirty before, if you can do it, why can't I do it?"
She chuckled softly, but her laughter was tinged with sadness. "That used to be just an occasional thing. Now it's always been like this..."
“When I woke up from the car accident and learned that I was like this, I really couldn’t accept it at all. Later, I started rehabilitation training, and it took me several months just to sit up. At that time, I couldn’t help but think that if I were just paralyzed, and not in such a high position, and my right leg was still there, I could take care of myself and wouldn’t have to need help with things like this, I would be willing to give anything to get it…”
I held her head and patted it gently. I understood her pain, but accepting reality was a step she had to take through hardship. I only hoped that my presence could bring her some comfort.
The sun sets early in winter. Touching her cold hands, I abandoned my plan to light a fire, roast marshmallows, and eat them with cookies. Before three o'clock, I packed up and took her home. There will be plenty of opportunities to go out and play in the future; taking good care of her health is the most important thing right now.
Our nostalgic barbecue dinner didn't happen. We used to go there all the time when we were in college, but we never noticed that the restaurant was all booths, and the seats were far from the barbecue tables. We only realized this when we excitedly stood at the door. Several waiters surrounded us, looking a little embarrassed and glancing at Gu Wanlin, apologizing for not having accessible facilities. They said that if we could, we should ask the lady to move to a booth so they could help Gu Wanlin move her wheelchair elsewhere.
I touched Gu Wanlin's stiff shoulders and back above the waist, hesitating about how to start a conversation. Gu Wanlin couldn't sit up on her own without leaning against the backrest, but if she leaned back, she wouldn't be able to eat properly. I was even more worried that she might get burned by the grill if she lost her balance. Gu Wanlin seemed to sense what I was thinking, patted me back, and simply said, "Never mind, she's feeling tired anyway, let's go home early."
I got back to her house relatively early, so I simply cooked her a meal using the ingredients in the fridge and we ate together. I knew Sister Zhou had other clients after her early shift, so before leaving, I took the opportunity to specifically ask Sister Zhang if it would be convenient for her to switch to a full-day caregiver. If I really needed a full-day caregiver, I didn't want to hire another stranger who wasn't familiar with Gu Wanlin's situation and have to slowly adjust to her. Sister Zhang was meticulous and thoughtful, and had a kind heart, so she was naturally the first choice.
Sister Zhang said she could, but the question is whether Xiao Gu herself is willing.
I shook my head, thinking that I might need to discuss this matter with Jiang Yu and see how to persuade Gu Wanlin. The rehabilitation process is long, and things must be done step by step; we can't rush it.
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com