Even if you beg me, I can't stay.
It was nearly midnight. I stood outside the ward, looking through the glass. Gu Wanlin was asleep, connected to a bunch of tubes to maintain and monitor his vital signs. I stared at the even, fine bubbles rising from the humidifier bottle connected to the nasal oxygen tube until my eyes ached.
Li You stood with me, and couldn't help but sigh, "She's only been discharged from the hospital for a short time, why is she back again?"
I turned to look at her, and the bloodshot eyes probably startled her.
She patted my shoulder and said, "Don't worry too much. The X-ray shows that your lungs aren't too badly affected. It's mainly an upper respiratory tract infection. Once the fever goes down, you should be fine. The urologist has come for a consultation. It's a urinary tract infection. They've already given you antibiotics and changed your catheter."
"She has superficial injuries all over her body, thankfully no fractures. She has some muscle strains in her right leg, and... after losing control of her bladder, it wasn't treated in time, and she lay down for too long, so there were signs of pressure sores forming on her back and near her sacrum. It's been treated now, and for the next few days she'll try to sleep on her side so she doesn't put any more pressure on it. She'll be fine after a while."
I spoke to Li You, only to find my voice still trembling slightly, "Okay. Youyou, thank you."
Li You playfully punched me, "Why are you thanking me between us? You've been busy all night and haven't eaten yet, have you? Come on, let's go get some late-night snacks. She won't wake up for a while."
I rubbed my temples and remembered that I had told Sister Zhang that Gu Wanlin would need to stay in the hospital for a few more days because the caregiving duties would be heavy. I would stay with her tonight and told Sister Zhang to go back and get some rest today to prepare for what's to come.
I sat in a 24-hour food stall near the hospital entrance, still shaken. I poked at the wontons with my spoon, which prompted Li You to protest, "Shen Qingyi, if you're not going to eat them, give them to me. Don't waste food."
"Youyou, you don't know, when I first walked in this afternoon and saw her lying on the ground like that, not moving at all, I thought she... My heart stopped for a moment. I've never been so scared in my life..."
When I brought Gu Wanlin to the hospital, Li You had already heard my explanation of what had happened. She sighed and said, "No wonder you were so scared. It's quite dangerous for her to fall like that and not be discovered in time. Not to mention brain hemorrhage and fractures, what if she had actually suffocated and lost consciousness?"
The current situation is the most fortunate possible. Given her current condition, we doctors definitely do not recommend that she live alone. Spinal cord injury rehabilitation cannot be rushed; otherwise, this kind of thing will happen again, even if it didn't happen this time.”
I made up my mind. "I know. When she wakes up, I'll talk to her properly this time."
Li You picked up a xiaolongbao (soup dumpling) and dipped it in vinegar. "But what's going on between you two? Why are you the one who brought her to the hospital and is now taking care of her? It's only been two months since you last saw her here, and you've already rekindled your old flame?"
I quickly grabbed the last xiaolongbao from Li You's hand. "Can you be serious for once? What do you mean by 'rekindling old flames'?"
"No, I didn't. The problems between us were quite complicated back then. Do you think even if I wanted to, she would be in the mood to be with me now? She... she's in a very bad situation right now, and her will to live is very low. I just want to do everything I can to be by her side, even if it's just to make sure she doesn't feel alone when she faces difficulties..."
I told Li You about how I'd spent the last few days with Gu Wanlin, how she didn't care about her health at all, how she refused rehabilitation training, and how, before she fainted that afternoon, she poured out her heart in a dazed state, saying she didn't want to live like this anymore.
Li You said that it wasn't incomprehensible; anyone would want to live in that situation. She then sighed, "Even in his own condition, he's still worried about your stomach problems and whether you ate a good lunch. I think he's quite interested in you. You've been broken up for five or six years, longer than when you were dating. Your relationship is truly unbreakable. I can't even remember the name of my jerk ex-boyfriend from five or six years ago. I'd be ecstatic if he got into a car accident."
I glared at her. "Whose fault is it that you can't keep your eyes open when you're dating? Don't compare our Teacher Gu to those scumbags."
She stepped on me under the table.
After we finished eating, we went back to the ward. Li You said that she was on duty tonight and tomorrow night. She was unlucky. She had just graduated and joined the hospital. She was the youngest in her class. Even if people didn't want to work the shifts, she had to smile and volunteer to cover for them. She found one of her own blankets for me. "Your teacher Gu paid for a single room last time, but said she wasn't comfortable sharing with others. There was a vacancy this time, so I gave her priority."
Li You said resentfully, "Once you go in, you'll see another single bed for caregivers. Your teacher Gu's ward is much better than my duty room. Otherwise, you can leave, and I'll become your teacher Gu's caregiver."
I chuckled and put my arm around Li You's shoulder. "That's why they say doctors have the strongest personal connections."
Only a dim nightlight was left on in the ward. Gu Wanlin was still asleep, her body surrounded by a pile of soft pillows, supporting her back as she lay on her side. The oversized hospital gown made her look even thinner. The abrasions on her left foot had been disinfected and dressed, but she wasn't wearing a brace, so her instep dangled loosely, and her toes inevitably curled inward. Her right leg stump was swollen and shiny when she was admitted. She had been iced for a long time, and while we were out for a late-night snack, a nurse came in and helped her wrap it with an elastic bandage. A soft pad was placed between her legs to elevate it and reduce the swelling.
I took the anti-sagging leg brace that Sister Zhang brought from the foot of the bed. I carefully lifted her left foot and put it in, making sure to secure it properly and avoid the wound. I lay down on the single bed, made the bed, and set a vibrating alarm on my smartwatch to wake her up in the middle of the night to turn her over. Looking at Gu Wanlin's thin silhouette on the hospital bed not far away, I silently said, "Goodnight, my little girl."
It was a truly harrowing day. I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow, without even having a dream. When I felt the vibration in my wrist, I was still a little dazed and didn't know where I was.
Coming to my senses, I quickly looked at Gu Wanlin and found her looking at me with clear eyes, as if she had been awake for a while.
I went to the bedside and touched her forehead. It was still hot, but not as burning as it had been in the afternoon. "Do you want some water?"
She opened her mouth to speak, but frowned, coughed a few times, and made a whooshing sound in her throat. The nurse had previously told me what to do if she couldn't cough up the phlegm on her own. I helped her turn to her side, took a tissue and handed it to her. She covered her mouth with it, and I patted her back. Then I took the tissue from her hand, crumpled it up, and threw it in the trash can. I got up, poured her a glass of warm water, inserted a straw, and brought it to her lips. "Rinse your mouth."
She stared intently at me as I bustled around the bed, her eyes filled with tenderness. "Aqing, I'm sorry."
"Huh?" I was confused for a moment. Why was she apologizing?
"I lost my temper with you this afternoon and said some unreasonable things. I didn't mean to do that." Her voice was a little hoarse, but her tone was soft.
I sat down by the bed and stroked her forehead. "Gu Wanlin, you don't need to keep apologizing to me. I'm not angry with you."
She shook her head. "Whether you're angry or not, I shouldn't have spoken to you like that. I know you were worried about me, so I shouldn't have said such hurtful things..."
I wiped the thin layer of sweat from her forehead caused by the fever, and then reached out to touch her back. Her upper body was already soaked with sweat, so it would be better to change her clothes.
"Alright, Gu Wanlin, how could I not know you're upset? You didn't say anything hurtful. I'm only saddened to see you sick and suffering. Let's leave this topic at that. You've sweated a lot from the fever, and your clothes are all wet. It's not good for your skin if you keep wearing them. Shall we change into something else?"
She froze, as if suddenly remembering everything that had happened before she lost consciousness, and flinched back. "No, stay away from me, I... I must be very dirty..."
"No, Gu Wanlin. I told Sister Zhang to go back and rest. I'll stay with you tonight. But before she left, while you were still asleep, she already cleaned you up. It really is just that you had a fever and sweated a lot."
Remembering how she had repeatedly begged me not to look at her body, I quickly added, "Don't worry, I didn't look. I left the room when Sister Zhang was helping you clean up."
Seeing that she hadn't spoken yet, I carefully began, "But we really can't leave your clothes on now, I'm afraid you'll hurt the skin on your back again. If you don't want me to see, I can go out and find the nurse on duty to help, or I can close my eyes. Is that okay?"
Gu Wanlin was always good at picking up on the unspoken meaning. "'It got damaged again'? You mean you already have bedsores somewhere, right?"
Seeing my acquiescence, she seemed resigned to her fate and sighed softly, "Forget it, let's not bother anymore. What difference does it make whether I look at it or not? I'm just deceiving myself. Let's just change it like this."
I went to the nurses' station and got a new hospital gown. When I got back, I helped her raise the headboard slightly. She saw her legs and asked me, "What happened to your legs?"
"Don't worry, you didn't break any bones. You just have some abrasions and muscle strains, nothing serious." I then briefly told her about her diagnosis and condition.
I unbuttoned her shirt. The ward was pitch black, with only the bright moonlight streaming in from the window, but I could see her ears suddenly turn red.
Her body was even thinner than I had imagined. Her collarbones were deeply sunken, and her ribs were clearly visible in rows. It was as if only a thin layer of skin and flesh was hanging on her body. There was also a long surgical scar on her upper abdomen, just like the one on her leg, a long, scarlet line. When I gently touched it with my fingertips, her skin temperature was so low, yet it burned me so much that I shivered.
"What happened here? Does it hurt?" I had never heard her say that before.
"Hmm?" Her voice sounded confused. "Where?" She looked down and saw where my hand had touched.
"It doesn't hurt. I can't feel anything there." She bit her lower lip lightly, as if she had made a great decision to tell me about her current physical condition, "It's all below my collarbone."
"It's really nothing. There were some internal organs damaged in the car accident, but we did our best to save them. We only had part of my liver and small intestine removed. Compared to other injuries, it's nothing. You wouldn't even remember it if you didn't ask me." She always did this, trying her best to downplay her problems.
Internal organ damage from a car accident isn't a huge problem for anyone, but she was so badly injured that all of that seemed insignificant. I almost teared up again.
"Are your clothes buttoned up? Can you hurry up? I'm sorry, Qing, I... I'm still not used to having other people touch my body..." She sounded anxious, but also guilty for causing trouble for others with her anxiety.
I quickened my pace. "Okay, I'm all dressed now. I'm sorry, it was my abruptness. Don't apologize." We used to be so intimate, not an inch of skin was off-limits to each other's touch. I had forgotten my place again, and hadn't considered that she was completely numb when touched, and would feel anxious and uneasy. Making her uncomfortable is what I should apologize to.
After changing her clothes, I helped her lie down and adjusted her position.
She urged me, "I really have nothing to do here. You won't be able to sleep well here anyway. Go home and get some rest. You really don't need to come and keep me company anymore."
I snorted, "Where do you expect me to go in the middle of the night? I'm afraid of the dark, I'm not going back."
I helped her smooth the hair that was pressing down on her neck. "It's still a long way from dawn, sleep a little longer. I'll have breakfast with you tomorrow before I leave. You insisted that I go home to spend New Year's Eve with my parents. Our family's New Year's Eve dinner is already booked. Even if you begged me, I couldn't stay."
She chuckled softly, "Don't worry, I'm not begging you. Go to sleep. You've been through so much trouble with me."
I went back to lie down and said, "Goodnight, Gu Wanlin."
She replied, "Goodnight."
I have a lot to say to her, but not now. Right now, I just hope she has a good night's sleep and is free from illness and pain.
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