Chapter 83: Transformation Jin Yunyan was never your reward for becoming better...
If she could love herself a little more, she would be able to pity her past like he did.
If she could love herself a little more, she would firmly believe that such a precious self is always worthy of being loved.
If Jin Yunyan had never received her love and was not accepted by her, he would not be here at this moment. But he hoped very much that she could share that love with him, so that she would never lose anything in the world again, because she herself was everything.
"Xia Xia, have you ever thought about this?" He comforted her. "Because the past has been so difficult for you, you should have more compassion for your own hardships and praise your own strength and honor. You should give yourself twice as much as others haven't given you."
She even found it difficult to breathe, and it took a long while for her to recover. It suddenly dawned on her that she had become an accomplice in her own persecution, helping others to be strict with themselves.
She was eager to erase the past and wanted to grow up overnight, but she forgot that she was just a child in the past. Her life was much more difficult than her life today, but she was still struggling to get out of that quagmire.
She should not abandon her past, but embrace her helpless self across a long period of time.
Bo Xia raised her eyes to look at Jin Yunyan, and the tears blurring her eyes gradually dissipated. She saw a rainbow outside the window, which had appeared at some point. The long rainy season in her life finally dissipated at this moment. The resentment, paranoia, and pain in her heart dissipated for the most part in that instant.
She suddenly realized that the difficulties imposed on her were not God's hatred towards her, but a desire for her to witness with her own eyes how great she was to have come this far.
She once thought that she lacked the ability to love, but now she understands that the first lesson of love is actually learning to love yourself.
From now on, she will not change for the sake of anyone else, she will accept all her good and bad, she will love herself more than anyone else in the world. She will feel that she has the best of everything in the world and can still be loved even if she is not perfect.
This is the path she needs to take in the future.
More than ten years have passed in the blink of an eye. It was not until now that she understood that short-term growth is not true improvement. The real growth is to accept all of yourself and face the world calmly.
After treating the wound, Jin Yunyan said he would take her to see his mother. His hand was still injured. Bo Xia hesitated for a moment. This was too sudden for her, so she asked if she needed to prepare anything.
"You don't need to prepare anything," Jin Yunyan lowered his eyes to look at her nervous expression, finding it a little funny. "If you really need to prepare anything, just buy her a bunch of her favorite lilies."
Bo Xia felt that it would be shabby to bring only a bouquet of flowers, but she could not resist Jin Yunyan's insistence.
It was not until the destination the car was heading to did not look like a residential area that Bo Xia realized something was wrong. She finally understood that the lilies in her hand were used for memorial services.
Feeling her hesitant steps, Jin Yunyan was worried that she would feel uncomfortable, so he separated his clasped hands a little and rubbed her knuckles: "Isn't this too sudden?"
She felt something tug at her heart. No wonder he was so lonely sometimes, no wonder he'd lost his composure when he'd heard she'd seen his mother. It turned out his family had long since left him. Everything seemed to have an explanation.
Bo Xia shook her head and let Jin Yunyan lead the way. When she arrived in front of the tombstone, she saw what the person she had always wanted to see looked like. She looked very young and noble, and her eyes and eyebrows were filled with the same gentleness as Jin Yunyan.
Bo Xia stepped forward and placed the bouquet of lilies in front of the tombstone. He couldn't help but wonder what the scene would be like now if the other person was still in this world.
Jin Yunyan looked at the photo with a smile, trying to make Bo Xia happy: "If she saw you, she would definitely approve of you, and she would also be happy that I found someone I like."
Maybe in his heart his mother had never left, so she didn't need to treat the other person as a deceased person and make the scene too solemn.
So she lowered her eyes and greeted the photo: "Finally, I see you."
I just never thought it would be like this.
For Jin Yunyan, this was more like a family reunion. However, in such a warm moment, he couldn't help but feel a little sad.
People are always easily trapped by the past, and even Jin Yunyan is no exception.
He couldn't help but wonder, if she were still here, what would she say now?
The wind in the southern eucalyptus is so strong that it cuts people's faces like a sharp dagger.
They didn't stay long, talked for a while and then got in the car.
On the way back, Bo Xia learned about his past. His parents had a business marriage in their early years and did not have much affection for each other. After the divorce, Jin Yunyan lived with his father, but he also lived with his mother at that time and spent a very good time with her.
Later, his mother often had to travel abroad to perform in pursuit of her artistic career. After returning to China, she often stayed in Nan'an. Jin Yunyan rarely saw her and always felt like an outsider at home. On the contrary, his stepmother treated him well. For this reason, Jin Xingzhou often targeted him, saying slanderous things about his mother, which angered him and made him violent.
When he was exiled, he was actually thinking about finally being able to see his mother. Unexpectedly, his mother was abroad and had not returned yet. He proposed to go abroad to see her, but she did not agree.
By chance, he heard a man's voice next to his mother during a phone call. Jin Yunyan was proud by nature, and it was the first time he felt abandoned. He knew he shouldn't stop her from pursuing happiness, but it was still hard for him to accept it for a while.
He often imagined his mother remarrying, wondering what their mother-son relationship would become. Would there be a day when their harmony would fade, their feelings grow distant, or even become strangers?
Jin Yunyan had imagined countless possibilities, but he never thought that his mother was already very ill at that time. She didn't want to affect his life, so she chose to receive treatment abroad and fight the disease alone.
That was the first time he felt the bitterness of separation, and also the first time he felt his own powerlessness.
Later, Wansheng came into being to help relieve patients' pain.
Bo Xia thought that she used to envy Jin Yunyan, but now she understood his lonely eyes and the hesitation in his eyes during his youth.
It turned out that the favored son of heaven in her eyes also had such a dark and confusing past. He was not a god to be worshipped, nor was he the perfect moon hanging high in the sky. He was also a mortal with seven emotions and six desires.
All she felt was pity.
Even though the altar had long since collapsed, she no longer needed to worship the faith that was once so difficult to reach. Her love used to be admiration and fantasy, but now she loved a living Jin Yunyan, a Jin Yunyan who was brilliant enough but also had his own flaws.
"Do you know what I want to tell you?"
Bo Xia shook his head.
Jin Yunyan took out the keychain they had made together earlier, shaking the broken pieces on it: "We are like these broken pieces with gaps on them. Only when we put them together can they become whole."
Therefore, everyone in this world has their own dark side and shortcomings. You don’t have to be perfect to be eligible for love. Love itself is not a game for the perfect, but a game for the imperfect to find their missing pieces.
And now, Jin Yunyan has been found.
There was once a person who came to him across pain and long time, sympathized with and indulged him in everything. The place in his heart that had been missing for countless times was finally filled.
Bo Xia couldn't help crying again. She seldom shed tears in front of him before, but once she started crying, she no longer had to hide her emotions.
Jin Yunyan then realized that her condition was actually more serious than he had imagined. He sighed, "I once thought that I would never let you cry again, but it seems that I still haven't done it."
He used to be a jerk who didn't understand love, and it seems he's not much better now.
She shook her head.
For so many years, she hadn't had the right to cry. As a child, whether she was hungry, scolded, or subjected to violence, the phrase she heard most often was "Don't cry." She had to overcome her childish instincts, or face a slap in the face. As she grew older, tears seemed to be reserved for the weak, and even she herself no longer allowed herself to cry.
This was the first time she cried freely.
She doesn't need to suppress her painful instincts, she doesn't need to prove that she is indestructible and strong, and she doesn't need to prove that she is independent and strong in this relationship and doesn't need to rely on anyone.
Those who love you will never deny your present because of your past. They will only think how rare it is for you to have come this far.
"Jin Yunyan."
He said "hmm".
"I'm going to cry some more."
Jin Yunyan's eyes were also wet: "Okay, from now on I will be the stone you lean on. Whenever you want to stop, you can lean on me at any time."
She no longer felt that this was a dream that could be shattered at any time, because she was so strong that she was more qualified than anyone else to be the heroine of this story.
Before getting out of the car, Bo Xia suddenly found a box that fell from his pocket left in the car. She opened it in surprise and found an exquisitely crafted diamond ring inside.
When Jin Yunyan saw that she had discovered it, he raised his hand and put it on her. He clearly did not make it clear whether this was a proposal, but she did not stop him.
"I had someone design it some time ago," he said, looking at her deeply. "Why don't you ask me what this ring represents?"
Bo Xia shook her head, because no matter what it meant, she accepted it calmly.
"It's not a bondage, it's just a proof of my love for you." Jin Yunyan never thought that one day he would love her so deeply, so deeply that he would be willing to not possess her. "From now on, it's my turn to follow behind you. You just need to move forward firmly. I will always be where you can see me when you look back."
Just like a few years ago.
The man stroked her soft hair and told her with all his words and actions——
Jin Yunyan was never a reward for you to become better, he just loved you later.
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