Chapter 57 Friends seem to be still in their youth, they still keep...
Just one sentence easily brought out the emotions that had been dormant in her heart for a long time.
Bitterness, sweetness, and even grievance, all those feelings that she thought had subsided were now surging.
Bo Xia couldn't sleep that night.
Yes, why didn't he see her then? When he was young, he thought it was because he wasn't pretty enough or good enough. Looking back after so long, he realized the reason was more cruel than that. It was simply because he didn't like her at that time.
So, what now?
She could never fathom his thoughts, perhaps because deep down she refused to believe that she was special in Jin Yunyan's eyes. He saw all beings as equals, and no one could stir up any ripples in his heart.
In a trance, she even felt that what happened that night was just a dream. Just like many years ago, she thought her secret love was finally answered, but she never saw him at the school gate.
It rained outside the window all night.
Bo Xia still felt tired after getting up in the morning. She missed Nan'an's snacks a little, so she simply went out for a walk.
After going out for a meal, when she came back, her room was messed up by the neighbor's children who came to visit. When she walked in, she saw a familiar diary and hurriedly bent down to put away the mess.
Bo Xia hated the lack of privacy in this house. After everyone left, he took the key from the door and locked it, completely ignoring the crying child outside.
On the table lay a couple of torn novels, a few flipped-through notebooks, and other things from her high school days. As she sorted them out, she thought about the past. She casually flipped open her diary and glanced at it, but she couldn't get past the immature yet sentimental words inside.
There was a noise outside the door. Bo Xia heard her mother's voice and opened it. She was still scolding her for locking the door, just like she did many years ago, as if she was just someone else's property in this house and had no human rights.
But as time goes by, many things will change.
She has changed too, she said why can't she lock the door? This is her room.
Unexpectedly, the answer she got was that the house was not hers.
Just like what you used to say when we had a big fight, saying this is not your home.
Bo Xia seemed to have gotten used to such answers, and she no longer felt surprised by anything her parents said.
She once wondered why her parents could hurt her so easily.
Later I realized that it was because they didn't love her that much, so they didn't blink when they stabbed the sharp dagger into her chest, but she had to endure the heart-wrenching pain when they said those ugly words.
This is why she doesn't want to come back.
It seems that no matter what happens, she is the only one who gets hurt.
They still inevitably quarreled. When Bo Xia saw her mother talking about the difficulties she had experienced in the past and why she had to be understanding, she was sober and rational. She said, "The hurt you suffered was not caused by me, but the hurt I suffered was caused by you."
At that moment, Bo Xia finally saw cracks on his mother's face.
She looked at her mother, speechless, and continued, "For so many years, I have always had to bear your responsibilities and play the role of an adult, but back then, I was just a child."
Through the faded years, Bo Xia vaguely saw her ten-year-old self seriously contemplating death. That naive self felt that life was too painful, but she wasn't strong enough, and could never find a way out. So death became the simplest solution.
Even after more than ten years, she still couldn't get out of that long rainy season.
They will never know how many nights she spent convincing herself that her parents didn't love her at all, and how long it took her to struggle out of that abyss.
She talked about the mental suppression and belittling her mother had endured over the years, and how she never felt she had an independent personality in her mother's eyes: "The most ridiculous thing is, I could have convinced myself that you didn't understand love, but no, you just didn't love me."
They love Bo Yi, so Bo Yi can have poor grades and a bad temper.
They didn't love her, so no matter how well she did, it was useless. All her understanding and independence could not win her any sympathy.
The various growth processes she underwent during her adolescence and adulthood were precisely what they taught her. They made her believe that as long as she did well enough, she would be recognized and loved, but in the end, they also made her understand that love can also be unconditional.
Bo Xia fought back tears, but in the end, her vision was still blurry. How could she have realized then that simply craving love was the ultimate tragedy of life, even craving one's parents' love was no exception?
The person in front of her obviously didn't expect her to suffer so much over the years, but her mother didn't understand love either. After a while, she only murmured, "When your parents gave birth to you, it was their first time being parents, so naturally, many things weren't done so well. It must have been different when you had your sister. When you have your own children in the future, you'll understand how hard it was for us."
Bo Xia suddenly laughed, not sure whether it was out of relief or disappointment.
She remembered reading a sentence once that said the irreconcilable conflict between East Asian parents and children is that parents spend their entire lives waiting for their children to be grateful, while children spend their entire lives waiting for their parents to apologize. [1]
All she hated was that they didn't love her.
There was no winner in that battle.
Who can win the mother? You come out of her body and instinctively crave her love, so the sharp knife you stab out will only turn into a powerless cry.
Before leaving, she remembered something and took some of her things with her.
That was not her home, and nothing in it felt like it belonged.
But later on, Bo Xia never opened the diary and the miscellaneous letters in the cardboard box. It was as if opening those past memories was equivalent to facing her past self, and continuing to be drenched in the endless rain of the past.
After returning to Beijing, Bo Xia fell into a low mood and could only numb himself temporarily through work.
It was two days later that she remembered that she had forgotten to reply to Jin Yunyan's message. She sent a message explaining that she had worked overtime until late at night and was too sleepy, so she replied with her mind.
He said jokingly, "Your boss doesn't sound very human."
"Isn't that what all capitalists do?"
The person who received the message raised his eyebrows, and after a while he saw Bo Xia add, "Of course, except you," with a faint smile in his eyes.
Meng Xubai sneezed as she came in. Seeing Bo Xia coming over, she explained a few things to her. Finally, she said, "Have a good rest this weekend. You haven't looked very energetic these past couple of days. Are you tired?"
"No, thank you for your concern."
Before leaving, Meng Xubai looked back at her. He always felt that Bo Xia looked at him in a strange way, as if she was a little guilty.
The dialog box on the computer displayed the text sent by Jin Yunyan. She seemed to be able to imagine the other party's tone through the screen -
"Do you regret not joining my company now?"
She agreed and said she regretted not having a more handsome boss to please her every day.
Jin Yunyan knew she was joking, and guessed she'd say something different in front of Meng Xubai. A girl like her was tougher than anyone else, and even if she got her head broken and bloodied, she'd still consider the wound her medal.
Jin Yunyan's original plan to ask her to go to the theater naturally fell through. During the conversation, Jin Yunyan felt that she was not in a good mood, so he suggested going rock climbing.
On the day they arrived at the rock climbing gym, Jin Yunyan saw her from afar. She was wearing a pink sportswear, her hair was tied up high, and she exuded youthful vigor.
After changing into her sneakers, she was ready to start climbing.
Jin Yunyan was worried that she was unsafe as a novice, so he subconsciously raised his hand to lightly hold her waist, and said with concern in his tone: "Be careful."
"I'm fine. I've climbed before."
He looked up and saw her climbing up nimbly, her shoulders showing healthy and smooth muscle lines due to the effort.
He didn't know why, but he couldn't take his eyes off her.
The tenacity in her bones and the unstoppable vitality naturally emanated from her body, as if everything in the world would become her background as long as she stood there.
I have to say that rock climbing is a very challenging yet relaxing sport.
When Bo Xia was halfway up, she could only hear her own breathing. Her mind was focused on climbing higher and higher, and before she knew it, her worries were forgotten.
Then he climbed to the top and jumped down from the highest point. Bo Xia felt his heart beating violently and he seemed to be alive again.
Jin Yunyan handed her a bottle of water and unscrewed the cap for her in advance, which was very considerate.
She took a sip and heard him ask if she felt better. She hummed, then a silent silence crept in. Although they were facing each other, no one spoke.
Bo Xia probably felt embarrassed and couldn't help but look up at him, but she only saw his eyes, which were as gentle and affectionate as usual.
Then that trace of silence unknowingly turned into an intense and indissoluble ambiguity.
Neither of them could tell when this atmosphere started, perhaps it was from the last rainy night, or perhaps even earlier.
"Who's in a bad mood?"
Bo Xia looked up at him slightly, but ultimately did not speak.
She rarely reveals negative emotions, and even when she does, they are only subtle and to the point. In this secular world, everyone only cares about how brightly your flowers bloom, not the messy roots buried beneath the soil.
Jin Yunyan saw her hesitant look and lowered his head to look at her: "It can't be because of me."
She said, "How could that be possible?", her breathing a little unsteady.
Jin Yunyan looked at the crimson color that had not yet faded from the corners of her eyes, raised his hand to push back her hair, and said, "I thought you didn't reply to my message because you had something against me."
He spoke lightly, but as soon as he said it, he could sense some other meaning in it, as if he had been thinking about this matter for the past few days.
Bo Xia didn't think too much about it. She was always sincere, and the explanation had nothing to do with him. Besides, "I won't be angry with you no matter who I am angry with."
Jin Yunyan's eyes saw through her inside and out. A smile played on the corner of his lips: "How many people have you said this to?"
“…”
She smiled guiltily at first, then felt that there was nothing wrong with what she did, and then raised her eyes frankly, looking like she was admitting it generously.
Jin Yunyan mentioned the flattering words she had said at the beginning when they first met in Beijing, and his tone was a little teasing: "You almost forgot about me before this."
"Why are you bringing up old matters today?" She tilted her head slightly, her expression a little confident. "Other than that, everything I said was true. Just because my truth was mixed with a few lies, does that mean I'm not sincere? Then what about your lies to me before?"
"What did I lie to you about?"
"You lied to me and said you'd go home with me after school. Wasn't that just a casual remark?" Bo Xia leaned closer to him, looking as if she had let go of the past. She said, "Aren't adults supposed to stop when they're done? Don't you understand the principle of not pointing it out? Besides, at least I didn't deceive a minor..."
Jin Yunyan was defeated by her reasoning and had to admit that it was his fault. A faint laugh escaped from his nose: "Okay, I won't lie to you anymore."
Such a light sentence sounded like some kind of promise.
Jin Yunyan lowered his eyes and looked at her. His eyes seemed to have traveled through a long time. He spoke softly, as if with a hint of coaxing: "From now on, every word I say will count. I won't let you down."
The second half of the sentence was serious, as if they had never been apart and it was just an ordinary time. The young man was apologizing to her, and it was also like he was using this sentence to renew his promise to her, as if this could make up for the time they had missed in the past.
Bo Xia admitted that she had some kind of hallucination at that moment.
It’s as if they are still young and have retained their youth.
Bo Xia treated everyone to dinner, and Jin Yunyan didn't stop her. Later, he gave her a gift and treated her to dinner. Given Bo Xia's personality, the relationship between the two naturally became closer.
When she asked about the gift, Jin Yunyan never mentioned that it was a niche brand that was specially customized by someone, but just said that she bought it because she saw it was suitable.
The boundaries of their relationship had actually long been blurred and could not be considered clear.
But Jin Yunyan's behavior was like a spring rain in the south that moistened everything silently. Before she even realized it, she was completely soaked. How could she think carefully about the relationship between the two of them?
The turning point came during a business trip half a month later.
She accompanied Meng Xubai to receive the award abroad. As a long-time friend and work colleague, she smiled and applauded her. Meng Xubai was also happy and gave her a hug before getting up. Later, when he took the stage to speak, he specifically mentioned her.
That night, she returned to the country and celebrated for Meng Xubai with the people in the office. At the club, she met Jin Yunyan. She and Meng Xubai stood together, wearing suits of the same color, and looked very well matched.
This makes Jin Yunyan look like an outsider.
Meng Xubai shook hands with him, and he responded indifferently, but his eyes were on Bo Xia.
He rarely reads news online. It was Song Cen next to him who specially took a screenshot of Meng Xubai's circle of friends to show him, and said some incomprehensible words.
He didn't express his opinion at the time.
Even now, he remained calm and composed, exchanging a few pleasantries before heading straight for the private room. Bo Xia was chatting with a colleague, and between pauses, she glanced back at his indifferent figure.
However, Bo Xia didn't expect to receive a message from Jin Yunyan after the dinner. He asked her if she had any drinks and said, "I'll take you home."
"It's okay, I can take a taxi myself later."
Although he was usually gentle, sometimes his words carried a sense of control, making it impossible to refuse: "I'll wait for you outside."
When she came out, Jin Yunyan's car was parked at the door.
It rained a little in late spring, and the usually dry city became a little damp. When he came over with an umbrella, he just heard Meng Xubai casually asking about the relationship between the two people. It was hard to tell whether his words were unwilling or tentative.
Bo Xia smiled politely: "Just a friend."
She was just stating the facts, without any deep meaning.
They had never developed into a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, so she couldn't act so affectionate in front of Jin Yunyan, especially since she couldn't even define their relationship. Jin Yunyan really had nothing to say to her, but who could know what he was thinking? He was such a simple person, and who had ever seen him fall in love with anyone?
But in front of Meng Xubai, these words changed in meaning. It sounded as if Bo Xia couldn't wait to distance herself from Jin Yunyan in front of the other party, for fear that Meng Xubai would misunderstand.
But at this moment, Meng Xubai mentioned that he wanted to send her back.
The two of them stood face to face in silence, leaving Bo Xia in a dilemma. She really should consider buying a car; what was the point of always having others deliver her things?
She said it was only a few steps away, so she didn't need to bother them. Then she took out the app on her phone and called a taxi.
As soon as she opened the screen, she heard the voice of the person in front of her mixed with the rain clearly coming: "My friend is here, is there any reason not to give you a ride?"
Bo Xia was led in by herself, and seeing that he had opened the back door of the car in a gentlemanly manner, she got in anyway.
The tiny raindrops on the road fell on the glass, casting a thin layer of mist over the brightly lit city.
Jin Yunyan broke the silence first. He asked her if she was happy with Meng Xubai these days. She said it was just normal work.
When the driver was about to arrive at the destination, Bo Xia saw that he seemed a little unwell and asked him with concern what was wrong and whether he wanted to go to the hospital.
Jin Yunyan had a few drinks at the dinner party and now had a headache. He rubbed his temples. Although he was clearly feeling unwell, he opened his eyes and looked at her for a long time: "It's not good to go to the hospital alone so late."
"I'll accompany you."
"What if he needs to be hospitalized? Will you accompany him?"
She had never been on guard against Jin Yunyan, and had never thought that it was inappropriate for the opposite sex to be alone together. She just checked the time and said she would take a rest tomorrow.
Jin Yunyan suddenly laughed and said something inexplicable: "You care so much about your friends? If Meng Xubai wants you to accompany him, will you go?"
The atmosphere suddenly changed. Bo Xia herself hadn't realized how special Jin Yunyan was to her at the time. She had just joked that it wouldn't work: "What if he has bad intentions towards me? It wouldn't be that dangerous if he were with you."
She seemed to have never been on guard against him, always feeling that he wouldn't fall in love with her. Jin Yunyan moved closer to her, his usually gentle eyes cracking a little, revealing the unbearable desire within. "Really?"
Bo Xia felt his aggression and her eyelashes trembled. She subconsciously tried to hide, but he held her fair wrist tightly.
She heard his hoarse voice falling into her ears -
"What if I say that I've never considered you a friend during this time?"
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