Confession
I hate the Li family boys, no matter how big or small, no matter how deep or shallow, I hate every one of them.
The prince and Li Er were competing with each other. Li Er always won less and lost more. Every time he lost, he would refuse to eat or drink - he wanted to be a living immortal.
I won’t eat if I can’t memorize the book, I won’t eat if I don’t get the first place in riding and archery, I won’t eat if I’m not happy, and I won’t eat even if I’m happy.
Whenever Li Er had an empty stomach, Zhuzhi would hold her handkerchief and cry to me, begging me to persuade Li Er to have a meal.
Who is Zhuzhi?
She is the niece of Mrs. Xue. Because her parents died when she was young, there was no one in her father's family and her uncle's family ignored her. She was raised by her aunt Mrs. Xue since she was a child and grew up in Prince Qing's Mansion.
Zhuzhi whispered to me that she liked her cousin.
I guess the liking she was talking about was not the same kind of liking that Huayang liked my older brother, nor the same kind of liking that Anyang liked her older brother.
It's the way a girl likes a boy.
I extremely disliked Li Er, and naturally felt that Zhuzhi had very poor taste, so I didn't like her either.
Zhuzhi kept looking for me, and I didn't want to pay any attention to her, but she cried so pitifully, as if she was lonely and helpless, and she cried just like me.
Although I don't like her.
But how could I not like myself?
How could I not feel pity for myself?
I didn't want to go at first, but I went anyway for the sake of the bamboo branches.
My original intention was to let Li Er starve to death, but of course, he lived a peaceful and vigorous life every day.
Zhuzhi complained and cried to me, saying that whenever I persuaded her, her cousin would smile, but whenever she persuaded him, his face would always look impatient.
I didn't respond or say anything more. Every time I went there, it was already dark. If Li Er didn't lower his head and get off the stage, it would be dawn and he would have to eat breakfast the next day under daylight.
Li Erlang of the Prince Qing's Mansion has one face for being competitive, another face for instigating his younger brother to insult and scold me, one set of words for coaxing Zhuzhi, and another set of ways when talking to me.
A two-faced person is hateful and disgusting in every way.
Once, Zhuzhi asked me secretly, she asked me why I didn’t chase after the prince and circle around him?
I asked her in confusion, why should I chase after the prince and revolve around him?
She blinked and said nothing.
After a while, she said she was talking nonsense.
Zhuzhi is very stupid, she has always been stupid. She can't see Li Er's true face with her eyes open, and she blinks and tells inappropriate nonsense.
She is so stubborn and unwilling to change her ways, like a moth to a flame... I can't stop her.
Li San was bedridden, and Huayang took us to see him. Instead of being grateful, Li San cursed Huayang as an ugly black turtle and even spat on Anyang, soiling her beloved doll.
When Li San scolded me, he was naturally calling me a bastard.
The drums sounded and Chang'an was under curfew. Even after repeated orders every day, the Jinwu Guards were still able to catch those who violated the ban.
The princess is in charge of the palace, but there are things she cannot manage and people she cannot control.
Seeing that the maids and servants were not around, Huayang beat Li San's sick leg hard. Anyang followed suit, spitting at him and splashing sweet dew on his face.
Huayang beat him, Anyang spat on him, Li San took it with a smile, and looked at me viciously with cunning eyes.
I pretended not to see or hear.
Huayang loves to be a pretty bride, Anyang loves to play with dolls, and Li San offends his sisters with just a word.
Li San couldn't move, Huayang Anyang took me and bullied him every day without fail. As soon as Li San saw me, he called me a bastard. I just counted on my fingers and seemed to be deaf to Li San and the bastard.
Li San could still lie down, but Li Si could only lie on the couch. Huayang made fun of him and said he looked like a big turtle.
Li Si laughed and laughed at himself for a while. After he finished laughing, he asked Huayang to come and see him more often. He also asked Anyang to come and talk to him more often. When it was my turn, he said that he was lonely and asked me to come and keep him company every day.
He requested several times, but unfortunately, no one remembered.
Huayang Anyang remembers the hateful Li San, but can't remember the poor Li Si.
Li San and Li Si are incompatible. One of them has a temper like fire, and the other has a character like water.
I don’t like fire or water, so how can I try to remember them?
To be honest, Li Si's temper is much better than Li San's.
Although he has a good temper, he has a bad skin.
Li Si's face is most similar to that of Mrs. Xue, whose methods and intentions are exactly the same as those of the mistress of the Yan family.
Jinyang and Huaiyang also followed suit.
Even I could see their crude and foolish malice.
As for Li Si, I hate him and his family as well.
The same person is Li Liu.
Both the Crown Prince and Li San are not good, so how could Li Liu suddenly have good intentions?
Bad bamboo cannot produce good bamboo shoots.
Li Wuchang was talking to me, chattering very loudly, but I ignored him.
Li Ba wanted to tear the clothes that Ru Ren made for me and spit on my cheeks. Li Qi pushed him away to protect me and would not let him succeed.
I don't want to pay attention to any of them.
I hate and despise all these people.
I don't care about anything, turn a deaf ear to what's happening outside, and often stay indoors. This was a habit I developed when I was young in Prince Qing's Mansion, where I was disturbed by the young men of the Li family.
I don’t like reading, but I like looking at paintings, paper paintings, murals, and embroidery paintings. I like looking at them all.
Flowers, birds, fish, insects, mountains, rivers, lakes, rare birds and animals are more interesting than Chang'an City.
Sometimes, I also ask Ru Di to read some travel notes and geographical records to me.
That day, Ru Di and I were in the princess's room. I was embroidering the red carp in the princess's courtyard, and Ru Di was reading a travelogue beside me. Li Liu came into the room to visit Le Yang.
I don’t like to talk, Rudi is taciturn, Li Liu is silent, and Leyang can’t speak.
The four of them gathered together, not saying a word, and it was strangely quiet.
Ru Di put down the travel notes and played chess with Li Liu. The princess looked at us and said that she would use the red carp in my hand as a prize.
In the past, when the two of them were evenly matched in chess, Rudi always won more, but that day it was Liu Lang who won.
Ru Di lost, but was unwilling to give up the red carp. She was so rude so rarely that even I found it strange.
When Li Liu got a red carp, I embroidered some reed flowers for her. When Zhuzhi saw the reed flowers, she also asked me to embroider some bamboo branches for her, and I agreed.
A few days later, I saw those bamboo branches around Li Er's waist.
Zhuzhi's bamboo branch was given to her second cousin by Zhuzhi.
After that, Li Er kept the silk scarf close to his body until his rebellion failed and he was shot dead by the saint with an arrow.
She also always carried the reed flowers, which looked like reeds, and never took them down for a single day.
From Chang'an to Qianzhou, she lost all her gold and silver jewelry, except for the reed flowers.
From Qianzhou to Chang'an, she had everything, but she just couldn't bear to leave the reed flowers.
Ru Di is also a fool.
As for Li Liu, no one has ever seen him use his red carp. I guess he looks down on my needlework.
I appeared calm but felt annoyed inside, and spent day after day in Prince Qing's mansion with a different attitude.
When she was nine years old, Zhaoyang was born. She was weak since childhood. Anyang said she was like a kitten, and Huayang said she would not live long.
Huayang's words were like a thorn, piercing herself, Anyang, Youlan, and me.
The autumn when I was ten years old was unusual.
Or in other words, the separations and reunions, joys and sorrows of the eleven years before I drank the poison, my hatred for the saint, the root of everything, must all begin in the autumn of that year.
That year, big events happened in the imperial palace, big events happened in Chang'an City, and big events happened in Prince Qing's Mansion.
King Xiang was made the crown prince by the sage.
Three months later, the crown prince's eldest son was appointed as the crown prince by the saint.
After the establishment of the Eastern Palace, Prince Qing still had a breath.
With the establishment of the crown prince, Prince Qing’s defeat was inevitable.
There is no possibility of succeeding to the throne in this lifetime.
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