Chapter 27 Firecrackers
"Brother Chen, Madam." Cui Junji spoke first, his voice was as steady as usual, without any emotion in it. "Happy New Year's Eve." He nodded slightly.
Li also immediately revealed an impeccable, standard smile as if measured with a ruler, and bent her knees slightly: "Lord Shen, Madam Shen, happy New Year's Eve. Zhang'er, give your regards to Lord and Madam Shen." She gently pushed the child in front of her.
Cui Zhang had been taught very well, and he immediately bowed properly, saying in a childish but clear voice: "Lord Shen, happy New Year's Eve, Madam Shen, happy New Year's Eve." But his little eyes couldn't help but glance at the red scraps of paper on the ground.
"Happy New Year's Eve." Shen Zijie returned the greeting in a steady voice.
Wen Youqing also bowed with a smile: "Lord Cui, Madam Cui, young master, have a happy New Year's Eve." Her smile was gentle and natural, and she did not feel the slightest bit embarrassed by Li's scrutiny.
"What a lively firecracker scene." Cui Junji's eyes swept across the red fragments on the ground, and it was hard to tell whether his tone was a statement or an exclamation.
"I'm here to enjoy the scenery and drive away the cold." With his wife, Shen Zijie knew that Cui Junji would not be as casual as usual, so he responded briefly.
Li's gaze fell on Wen Youqing again, and the smile on her lips deepened. With a just-right courtesy, she said, "Mrs. Shen is truly kind and thoughtful. She has managed the Shen Mansion to be so warm and unique. In a place as cold as the Northern Frontier, this is not easy."
She paused, her tone still gentle, "I heard that the canal Miss Wen is in charge of will be effective in the spring? It will really benefit the local area and have immeasurable merits. However, the frontier is harsh and cold, and Madam Shen needs to take good care of Lord Shen and expand the Shen family as soon as possible."
On the surface, these words were compliments, but upon closer inspection, they revealed subtexts such as "Life at the frontier is difficult" and "You shouldn't be doing these things." Wen Youqing's smile remained unchanged, her eyes clear. "Madam, you're too kind. Since Youqing is here with the general, I will do my best. Although the climate and soil may be harsh, people's hearts are warm, and we can always live a good life. The construction of the canal is the result of the concerted efforts of the border soldiers and civilians, not my own efforts alone." She maintained a composed and balanced attitude, not only clarifying her relationship with Shen Zijie but also emphasizing the unity of the military and the people, deftly resolving the sharp edge in Li's words.
Cui Junji stood aside, silently listening to the two women's conversation. His gaze swept between Wen Youqing's calm profile and Li's impeccable smile. A subtle hint of fatigue and boredom flashed deep in his eyes. He gently patted his son's head. "Zhang'er, don't you want to play with firecrackers? Have Mammy take you to the open space over there and set off two. Be careful not to break your hands."
The maid quickly responded and took the excited Cui Zhang to the snowy area a little further away.
Li's smile remained unchanged, as if the previous conversation had been merely a casual greeting. She looked at Shen Zijie and said, "Lord Shen, you have worked hard at the border, and you must not slack off even during the New Year holidays. On behalf of our friends and family in the capital, I wish you good health and a prosperous career."
"Thank you, ma'am, for your concern." Shen Zijie nodded.
After the brief, seemingly peaceful greetings, a tacit sense of alienation hung in the air.
Cui Junji was the first to be unable to resist. His usual impeccable manners seemed utterly hypocritical here, making him lose face. So he said to Shen Zijie, "We still have to visit the Governor Wang's residence in the east of the city, so I won't bother you any more. We'll talk another day."
"Okay." Shen Zijie responded.
The Cui family turned around. A maid led Cui Yan, whose face flushed with excitement after setting off firecrackers. Li, still graceful, walked beside Cui Junji. Dark and silver figures gradually receded across the snow, blending into the still desolate streets festooned with red lanterns, like a delicate yet cold painting.
Wen Youqing exhaled lightly, looked at the direction they disappeared in, and sighed softly, "Mrs. Cui...it's not easy."
Shen Zijie did not respond, but silently took her somewhat cold hand into his large, warm palm.
Interrupted like this, I lost all desire for playfulness. Back inside, the charcoal fire was still warm, the leftovers had been cleared away, and only a pot of warm tea remained on the table. The clamor outside and that brief, icy encounter had lingered in the warmth of the room, adding a touch of inexplicable stillness.
Wen Youqing's smile faded, a hint of weariness taking over, but her eyes remained clear. She walked to the window and opened it a crack, letting in cool air, dispelling the charcoal smell and the faint lingering scent of gunpowder. Outside, someone was setting off firecrackers again, and the distant popping sound reached them.
"The young master of the Cui family is so cute. Cui Junji is so lucky to have married such a beautiful woman with such a good temper..." Wen Youqing sighed.
Shen Zijie watched her slender figure reflected on the window paper, blending in with the falling snow outside. The way Li had examined Wen Youqing, Cui Junji's lonely gaze, and the churning memories of his past life weighed on him like heavy shackles, nearly suffocating him. He possessed her, yet he felt like a thief, stealing a treasure that was not his.
"Zi Han." Shen Zijie's voice sounded in the silence, with a suppressed hoarseness.
It was rare for him to call her by her real name. Wen Youqing turned around and looked at him with questioning eyes.
Shen Zijie's tall figure seemed a little tense in the candlelight. He was silent for a moment, as if gathering his courage. Finally, those words that had been suppressed for too long burst out like a flood, breaking through the defenses of his heart.
"We... can't sleep together. I'll have to bear the consequences of having people talk about you." He uttered these words, his voice as dry as sandpaper.
The topic changed so suddenly that Wen Youqing stared at his tall but stiff back in astonishment, and said in a daze, "...What?" She thought she had misheard.
Shen Zijie turned around abruptly, the candlelight illuminating the pain and self-loathing surging in his eyes: "I said, we can't sleep together!" He didn't dare look into Wen Youqing's eyes, his gaze fell on the flickering candlelight, as if that was his only support.
"Why?" Wen Youqing's voice was very soft, full of doubt. She took a step closer, "Chen Zijie, is it because of... what Madam Cui said just now? It's okay, we can just take it slowly. I don't like having children myself either. I should be the one feeling sorry for you for telling such lies to outsiders."
"No!" Shen Zijie immediately denied it, his voice rising with an almost irritable eagerness, "You're great! Wen Youqing, you're so great! So great... I'm not worthy of you at all! That's why you told people outside that I'm not good enough."
He took a deep breath, as if he had used up all his strength, and finally pulled out the thorn buried deep in his heart: "I... I am not the Shen Zijie you think. In my last life... I... I was a bastard!" He closed his eyes, and fragments of memories of his previous life of feasting and drinking and casual sex came up uncontrollably.
"I've had so many women around me, lovers, casual flirts... I can't count them all. At the time, I took it for granted. I felt like we were in ancient times, and the standard for men was to have three wives and four concubines. Oh, maybe even more... I've never taken relationships seriously, hurt so many people, and... made my life a mess."
He opened his eyes, filled with bottomless self-mockery and pain. "People like me are scum at heart. Reborn, donning this official uniform, picking up a sword and a gun, doing something practical is just an attempt to atone for my sins. But the bad nature in my bones... it's still there! It hasn't changed!"
He suddenly looked at Wen Youqing, his eyes burning with despair: "Zhang Zihan, look at me! How can I be so honest and reliable? My hands are stained with blood, and my heart is full of shame! What can I have that you can trust? You rely on me and trust me, but it's only because we are both from that world! You have no relatives here, you need someone to rely on! Just like... like a drowning person grabbing driftwood! But that is not love! It's not true love!"
His voice deepened, a heartbreaking weariness filling it. "I didn't want to lie to you, and I don't want you to regret it in the future. What if... my inherent badness surfaces again, or... if I die on the battlefield? What will you do? You deserve better. Someone clean and who can give you a stable future, not someone like me... covered in blood and the dregs of my past. I'll do my best to get you out, back to your old world."
Shen Zijie finished speaking in one breath, his chest heaving violently, as if he had just experienced a life-or-death struggle. He bloodily exposed his most unbearable and self-deprecating side in front of her, just to push her away.
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