Chapter 62 The Last Moment to Light the Lamp
Seeing that she was in a bad mood, Pei Xiaoyun was afraid of upsetting her further, so he told her to rest well and then left on his own.
In the days that followed, he also advised her that they go together to the White Horse Temple to light a lamp for the unborn child, hoping that he would be reborn into a good family.
Mingying lay on the couch all day, never leaving the house, and coldly scolded him: "The murderer is too guilty to go out himself, so he drags others into the act?"
She herself didn't dare to go.
As he said this, tears were silently streaming down his face, which she then wiped away with her hand.
She didn't want to have any further involvement with that deceased child; it was just bad luck that he was born at the wrong time and had to be reborn into her womb.
Like Pei Xiaoyun, she was a ruthless person.
After they die, they may go to hell together.
Pei Xiaoyun's eyes dimmed. He didn't know how to explain to her that he didn't want to hurt her, or that he had once looked forward to that child.
The first time he faced her, he was speechless, a heavy sense of guilt weighing on his heart, as if what she said was true, that he was a murderer.
Fine, if she doesn't want to go, then so be it.
This would also prevent her from being reminded of painful memories by the scenery.
He ordered his men to prepare a carriage and went alone to the White Horse Temple to light a lamp for the unborn child.
When they returned, Shen Mingshu came to the mansion and sat with Pei Yu'an, talking to Mingying, surrounded by several maids.
Mingying rarely sat up, with a fox fur blanket covering her legs. She said something, her eyebrows and eyes blinking slightly. Only when she was with them did her features become more lively.
Standing behind the screen, he couldn't help but wonder when she would be able to speak to him calmly and peacefully.
He had just been to the White Horse Temple when he was caught in a heavy rain. Raindrops clung to his clothes and touched his fingertips, giving him a slight chill.
Only then did I vaguely realize.
It's difficult now; perhaps it was possible before.
After losing that child, he could no longer get close to her.
Shen Mingshu noticed a tall figure behind the screen. After calming the mother and daughter down, he walked out, still seething with anger.
When Pei Xiaoyun saw him, she remained silent for a long time before saying, "When you have time in the future, come and talk to her more often."
Shen Mingshu's eyes reddened, and his resentment turned into heartache and helplessness: "If you really care about her and have any conscience, let me take her away. She can't take this kind of torment anymore."
Pei Xiaoyun's chest heaved, her mind reeling. Realizing what he was saying, she uttered three words with unwavering resolve.
"impossible."
How could he let her leave?
He killed so many people around him, and it seems that there was only one woman in the whole story.
"You want to kill her, don't you?!" Shen Mingshu gritted his teeth.
“I never thought of that,” Pei Xiaoyun said in a deep voice. “I never intended to harm her.”
He gazed at the features that bore a striking resemblance to hers, his throat tightening, unsure of who he was speaking to.
"Aren't all the things you've done to her harming her?"
Pei Xiaoyun was stunned by the question.
He recalled her desperate pleas when he gave her the abortion medicine, her terrified and helpless expression when he sent her to Ningxue Tower, and how she seemed to be completely captivated when he cast the spell on her.
It seemed that something he had always believed in was gradually crumbling.
He has indeed wronged her in many ways, and he will make up for it in the future.
But he couldn't let anyone take her away.
“You can come to see her, but don’t even think about taking her away.” His face was twisted with a kind of obsessive determination. “I will marry her, and from then on, whoever I am will be whoever she is. I will give her everything that is supreme to make up for what I lacked before.”
Shen Mingshu was so angry that his teeth trembled. He punched the screen, which shook and fell to the ground. In the light, it kicked up a cloud of dust, and he left angrily.
Pei Xiaoyun watched his departing figure, her gaze gradually turning cold.
A servant came in and lifted the screen, only to hear a cold voice from above: "When he comes in the future, there is no need to stop him. Reduce the number of people following him by half, but he must not be alone."
No one can take Mingying away from him!
He strode into the house. In April, charcoal was still burning inside, and a warm breeze carrying a faint fragrance wafted towards him.
He knew that she was sensitive to cold and had just suffered a miscarriage, so he instructed the servants to close the doors and windows to prevent the cold wind from getting in.
Pei Yu'an had just overheard Mingying and Shen Mingshu's conversation. He lay on Mingying's lap, his face resting on the soft blanket, and said in a soft voice, "Mother, please don't go..."
As soon as Pei Xiaoyun entered the room, she heard this sentence and immediately interrupted her daughter: "No one said your mother was leaving. Come downstairs. Your mother is sick and needs to rest. Go back to your own room first."
Mingying lifted her eyes, glanced at him indifferently, and her fingers lingered on Pei Yu'an's soft cheek.
Her heart ached, and she didn't know how to answer her.
When Pei Yu'an saw him come in, he snuggled closer to Ming Ying and, for the first time, didn't answer him: "I'm not leaving."
For some reason, Pei Xiaoyun felt a sense of fear lingering in her heart.
He feared they had genuinely planned to leave.
"You're not even listening to me anymore?" His brows furrowed, and he stepped forward to pick Pei Yu'an up, then called in a servant, "Take Miss out."
Pei Yu'an refused to move, so the nanny came in and carried him away.
After everyone left, when only he and Mingying were left in the room, he sat down next to her and took her hand: "I have already discussed it with your brother. No matter what he said to you, leaving is impossible. I have made many mistakes, and I will make it up to you after we get married."
"I'm tired, and you shouldn't deceive yourself anymore." Mingying turned away, not wanting to pay him any attention.
"Everything will pass." Pei Xiaoyun gathered her soft, dark hair, took an ebony comb, inserted it into her hair, and combed it for her.
“I did scheme against you.” Mingying suddenly stared at him, her gaze piercing, yet tinged with a thin layer of ice. “But you’re alive and well, and you even took a life to vent your hatred. Isn’t that enough? What else do you want from me?”
“Aying—” Pei Xiaoyun covered her mouth, the words coming out through gritted teeth, deep and hoarse, “Don’t say these things anymore.”
It was as if his mouth was sealed, preventing her from listing his sins, thus making his crimes seem less serious.
The way she looked at him and questioned him was like two knives piercing his heart.
"I no longer blame you for what happened in Hangzhou. Just consider it as me having hurt you and having only myself to blame."
Mingying suddenly clenched her fist, her fingertips turning bloodless, her heart filled with a dense layer of irony.
Is that enough?
Whatever grudges or hatred may be, she really didn't want to get entangled with him anymore!
Pei Xiaoyun held her in his arms, their breaths mingling in the darkness, neither of them speaking.
—
The next day, a battle report arrived at the morning court.
The Wuhuan Kingdom, in alliance with neighboring tribes, frequently probed and invaded the western border in a guerrilla-style manner. A large number of people from the six northwestern tribes went missing, and some of their bodies were found on the border with the Wuhuan Kingdom.
After Shen Mingshu left the Northwest, he could not maintain the morale of the local army, and the Wuhuan people lost their sense of restraint and committed numerous crimes of burning, killing, and looting on the border.
At the court meeting, Shen Mingshu requested to return to the northwest to guard the border, and Pei Xiaoyun agreed.
After the court session, he summoned Shen Mingshu into the hall and asked him, "Are you really sure? There are many capable generals in the court. If you are worried about your sister, I can send other generals to help her."
"How dare you ask such a question?" Shen Mingshu, unafraid of his current power and status, coldly rebuked him to his face, "If it weren't for you, my brother and I wouldn't be separated so often. I just hope what you said yesterday is true."
Pei Xiaoyun nodded. "Don't worry, I will definitely treat her well. I originally wanted to set the wedding date for next month, but given her current condition, we can only wait until she recovers. I won't force her. Maybe we can even make it back in time for you to return from the Northwest."
Shen Mingshu glared at him, mocking him for daydreaming, snorted coldly, and walked out of the hall.
He was about to leave for the Northwest, and before leaving, he made one last trip to visit the mother and daughter at their home.
The kite was tied with its last string and given to Pei Yu'an.
Pei Yu'an, holding the kite, seemed to realize something, took his hand, and looked up at him: "Uncle, are you leaving?"
Shen Mingshu felt uneasy and dared not meet her pure eyes.
Perhaps the lost child is a relief, but the girl in front of us is truly pitiful.
He could only look at Mingying, but Mingying turned her head away as well.
Both brother and sister understood perfectly, and both their eyes welled up with tears because of Pei Yu'an's words.
"Will you come back to see me?" Pei Yu'an's voice gradually weakened. "You haven't even flown this kite with me yet."
Shen Mingshu squatted down slightly, patted her head, and after a long while, nodded to her: "Yes, when Uncle comes back, I will fly a kite with you."
His eyes were slightly red, and he quickly avoided the girl's gaze. A grown man, he was afraid that she would expose his lie and discover his secret.
He stood up, glanced at Mingying, and said with a hidden meaning, "Aying, you take good care of yourself too."
Mingying suppressed the burning desire that was brewing in her eyes before looking at them: "Hey, brother, go ahead."
Shen Mingshu turned and left. Pei Yu'an held the kite and leaned against the window frame to watch until the figure passed through the hanging flower gate and disappeared.
"An'an, come here." Mingying's nose tingled, and she waved to her. "Didn't you say your nails turned white last time? Let me dye them for you again."
Pei Yu'an sat obediently in front of her. Ming Ying first combed her hair, holding her delicate hair, her fingertips trembling slightly.
This ill-fated relationship has dragged too many innocent people into it.
She even wavered slightly, wondering if it was right or wrong for her to fight so hard to protect her daughter back then. If she could be as ruthless as Pei Xiaoyun, perhaps she could live an easier life.
If he had really died in the battle of Hangzhou and left his daughter somewhere else, she would never have known that she had such a heartless mother.
If she had taken her away from Cuikong Manor that night as she wished, she could have watched her grow up and flown kites with her every year.
Unfortunately, there was nothing she could do.
Everyone is struggling.
She finally got up and went to the flower garden to pick a lot of balsam flowers.
In late spring, all the spring flowers are using their last bit of strength to compete for beauty. This time, the color of the flowers is deeper than last time. She gently dyes the little girl's hair, hoping that this time the color will last longer and won't disappear so quickly.
When Pei Xiaoyun returned, it was already late at night. Mingying was lying on the couch with her eyes closed.
He knew she was usually awake at this hour, so he took off his cold outer garment and put on a moon-white inner robe, then sat down and talked to her.
"Your brother went to the Northwest, you probably know that. This isn't a major war, so he should be back soon. Once summer arrives..." He wanted to bring up marriage with her, but he was afraid of upsetting her, so he swallowed his words and said instead, "Let's go back to Yangzhou to escape the summer heat once summer arrives."
Mingying ignored his words, suddenly opened her eyes, and stared at the top of the bed curtains: "I just had a dream."
"What did you dream about?" Pei Xiaoyun asked as he approached her.
"I dreamt that it was a boy, covered in blood, walking towards me."
Pei Xiaoyun felt a sharp pang in his heart, his brows furrowing as he grabbed her hand and said, "That was a nightmare, not real. I'll have someone light two more lamps."
He called people in and added four or five more candlesticks, making the whole room bright and spacious.
“It’s no use, he’s still there.” Mingying shook her head and pointed to the window.
Upon hearing her words, the maid who was lighting the lamp shrank back in fright and knocked over a candle.
Pei Xiaoyun frowned and snapped, "Get out."
Mingying kept insisting that there was someone in the room. The beaded curtain was being blown open and closed by the wind, making a rustling sound, just like someone had really come in.
Pei Xiaoyun naturally didn't believe any of this.
He tucked the blanket around her, then got another blanket and lay down beside her, comforting her: "Don't overthink it. You're thinking too much. It's all in the past."
Mingying closed her eyes and finally quieted down for a while. Whether she hadn't slept at all or had another nightmare, she sat up and made a fuss in the middle of the night, saying that someone was watching her with their eyes open.
Pei Xiaoyun stayed up all night, watching over her until dawn. He felt that she was suffering from a mental illness, so he called He Lianqing to examine her early in the morning.
Mingying looked unwell, her features shrouded in melancholy. With the help of her maid, she changed into a frosty-colored traditional Chinese dress and sat on a small couch for guests, where He Lianqing examined her.
He Lianqing knew the whole story and guessed that she couldn't be that sick. He looked at her and then quickly looked away.
Pei Xiaoyun invited him to a private room and asked, "She keeps having nightmares and talking nonsense. How is her health?"
"It's just a psychological issue; just take medicine and let it heal."
Pei Xiaoyun's voice was hoarse: "Isn't there a way to cure it completely?"
He wanted to see her get better soon.
“Of course,” He Lianqing said in a deep voice. “She has always been unwilling to be with you. If you let her go, she will recover faster.”
Pei Xiaoyun thought his words were nonsense. He couldn't possibly let go. She was already in this state; if she didn't stay by his side, where else could she go?
"You can prescribe the medicine, and I'll remind her to drink it on time."
He Lianqing glanced at him indifferently a few times, picked up paper and pen, and turned to leave.
Pei Xiaoyun went inside and saw Mingying sitting by the window, looking dejected and sorrowful. He never expected that losing her child would make her so despondent.
But she's a soft-hearted woman, how could she not be heartbroken?
These past few days, he's been running back and forth between the palace and his residence, so much so that his eyes are bloodshot.
After returning home at night, before even entering his room, he heard the sound of porcelain shards breaking.
"Miss, please drink the medicine, I'm begging you..."
The maid was trying to persuade her.
He went inside and saw a bowl of medicine spilled on the ground, with broken tiles scattered all over the ground.
Mingying sat sideways, her eyes lowered, her expression unreadable. The antique shelf cast a deep shadow, making her figure appear even thinner and more frail.
When the maid saw him enter, she stiffened up and stepped aside, not daring to speak.
He waved his hand, signaling someone to leave and brew another bowl of medicine.
"Why aren't you taking your medicine?" He sat next to Mingying, feeling the charcoal in the room making him feel hot all over, while her hands were as cold as iron.
"You poisoned the medicine, trying to kill me. I won't drink it." Mingying's voice was shrill, her words carrying a hidden barb.
Pei Xiaoyun's eyelids twitched slightly as he noticed the piercing coldness of her fingertips. His thin lips trembled slightly as he said, "I won't hurt you."
Her mental state is deteriorating, and she's even thinking about him like this?
The maid brought the medicine up again. He took it, drank a sip to show her, and tasted the bitter flavor of the medicine in his mouth.
"Look." He gestured that he was unharmed, then scooped up a spoonful and held it to her lips. "Drink it quickly."
Mingying's lips were forced open slightly. She opened her mouth, swallowed a mouthful, and he fed her another mouthful.
"In a few days, shall I take you and An'an to Yangzhou to relax?" Pei Xiaoyun put the empty medicine bowl on the table and asked her softly.
Mingying finished her medicine and completely ignored his attempts to be friendly.
Pei Xiaoyun didn't mean to discuss it. Regardless of whether she agreed or not, he already had plans to take her to Yangzhou, which was also to help her recover as soon as possible.
The mansion caused her heartache, and she was so immersed in it that she could not extricate herself. This was not helpful for her recovery. It would be better to move to another place so that she could recuperate for a while.
“I sent someone to inquire about your family’s former residence in Yangzhou and bought it back from the current owner. You can go back to live there if you want.”
Mingying sat quietly, like a stone statue.
His words were like sand thrown into the sea, making no sound whatsoever.
Pei Xiaoyun took this as agreement, her brows relaxed, and she thought to herself that as life goes on, things will eventually get better for her.
Five days later, one morning, Mingying woke up very early and suddenly said she wanted to go to Baima Temple to light lamps.
When Pei Xiaoyun stood up, he was clearly stunned for a moment after hearing her words: "Alright, I'll go with you one more time."
She lit the lamp because she still couldn't let go of that child.
Her willingness to light a lamp is also the beginning of letting go.
Mingying grabbed his arm tightly, her indifferent words cutting like a knife: "I don't need you to accompany me. I want to see him off on his final journey myself."
Pei Xiaoyun suddenly felt a throbbing pain in his arm. The slight pain turned into guilt, which seeped into his body and wandered around inside him.
Her implication was that he, the "real culprit," had no right to go a second time.
Her naked gaze was like a series of open and blatant interrogations.
"When do you want to go?" His voice was terribly hoarse.
Mingying's eyelashes fluttered as she uttered two words: "Today."
Pei Xiaoyun agreed.
But he wasn't blinded by guilt. After thinking it over, he said, "Alright, the weather is nice today. I'll have An'an accompany you, and you can go out for a walk to clear your head."
He only felt at ease knowing she wouldn't run away when his daughter was with him.
She couldn't escape either; he dispatched a large group of guards to follow the carriage closely.
So, a large group of people left the mansion.
Mingying had never been protected by so many guards before. The tall and handsome man stood by the car window, blocking some of the dim light.
Sitting in the carriage, Mingying held the hand that Pei Yu'an offered, and her fingers trembled slightly, whether from the bumpy carriage or something else.
She wondered how she would avoid these people once she got to the mountain.
White Horse Temple was the last opportunity agreed upon beforehand.
"Mother, are you cold?" Pei Yu'an thought her fingers were trembling because she was sensitive to the cold.
Mingying shook her head, returned the hand to her soft, warm palm, her eyes reflecting the last tenderness, and fastened the butterfly jade clasp in her hair.
Pei Yu'an pointed to the vendors in the middle of the street: "Mother, there are vendors selling candied hawthorns over there. Can we buy a skewer when we come back?"
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Author's Note: Run, run, Ah Ying is going to run away!
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