Chapter 65 I think of you every single day
In the chilly night wind, barely audible footsteps echoed from the alley entrance.
Cheng Yuan appeared silently behind Pei Heng, knelt on one knee, and lowered his voice: "Young Master, several cargo ships have just arrived at Qingzhou Port. Their design is suspicious, and they seem to have come from Lizhou. Before I set off, I did not see any port officials come forward to inquire about them."
Pei Heng closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them again, the pain and longing surging in his eyes were forcibly suppressed, replaced by a cold and serious expression.
He glanced one last time at the quiet courtyard, then turned away without hesitation.
"Walk."
As the moon set and the sun rose, for three consecutive days, Yuezhi devoted herself entirely to the pastry shop and the winery. She brewed a batch of peach blossom wine using spring peach blossoms and rice aged from last year to the present. She kept three jars for herself and sent the rest to Zuixianlou.
While discussing the new wine ingredients with the master chef, she also adjusted the recipes for the pastries. Huachun was eager to help out at the pastry shop, so she taught her how to be the manager, keeping her extremely busy.
Being busy makes life fulfilling, which helps to completely erase that figure that suddenly appeared and then vanished from your mind.
But even in moments of leisure, I can't help but think about it.
Pei Heng... He suddenly appeared in Qingzhou, only showing up briefly at the Marquis's banquet, and then disappeared without a trace.
He didn't come to find her. After that smile that wasn't even a greeting, he didn't even try to convey a single word to her. It seemed that the unending worries after the unexpected reunion were just her own internal turmoil, a self-inflicted torment.
Upon closer reflection, he deliberately changed his identity and came here under the pretense of delivering a birthday gift. Perhaps he had other important business to attend to, and our meeting was truly just a coincidence.
To verify her suspicions, she took the opportunity of delivering food to "Guard Liang" at the government office to quietly ask him a few questions.
"Young Master Zhang from the capital?" Pei Yao took a big bite of pumpkin cake and shook her head in confusion. "Never heard of him. The people at those banquets are all of extraordinary status, but unfortunately they always talk nonsense in official jargon. I don't like a single word of it."
"Don't you know if the prefect knows him?"
"They probably don't know him. If they did, wouldn't they have come all the way from the capital to visit him?" She stretched the small glutinous rice ball into thin strands and sucked it into her mouth like noodles, enjoying it immensely.
"Oh..." Yue Zhi thought to herself, he really was here on official business, concealing his identity and whereabouts, even the prefect didn't know who he was.
As they were talking, the guard who had gone out to buy chicken legs for Pei Yao returned. Pei Yao took them with both hands and gave one to Yue Zhi.
"Let's eat together. It's too much trouble for you to make the trip at midday."
Yuezhi originally planned to go back to the shop to eat, but when she saw the chicken leg that she was handed over, which smelled deliciously roasted, she was tempted and took it. She vaguely felt that the scene was somewhat familiar.
Before I could even think about it, I was won over by the crispy chicken skin and tender chicken thigh meat.
While eating, Pei Yao muttered, "Why are you suddenly asking about Young Master Zhang? I noticed the prefect seemed a bit distracted the other day; it seems he visited your house. What, you didn't take a liking to him, but instead took a liking to that Young Master Zhang?"
Yuezhi blushed and shook her head.
Seeing this, Pei Yao came over with a smile and said, "If you ask me, you should marry someone who is rich and has plenty of free time. Busy as you may be, you should at least have the energy to spend time with your children and wife. Otherwise, what's the difference between you and someone who is just a block of wood?"
He sighed and said, "It's not that I intentionally dislike the prefect, but he's too stubborn. He can stay up for two nights in a row for official business. How can someone who's so ruthless to himself care about his wife? Besides, you have two children who need your care and attention the most."
It seems she understands why the two didn't become a couple.
But it's come to this.
Yuezhi quickly explained, "I am just friends with the Prefect, and I have no such intentions."
Pei Yao glanced at her, smiled mischievously, and thought to herself: If you had that kind of thought, the two of you would have been together long ago.
"These pumpkin pancakes are much softer than the last ones, and they seem to have a milkier flavor too. Did you add milk?"
"Hmm, I added milk, and the proportions of the pumpkin puree ingredients were changed. How does it compare to the last time?"
"This one tastes even better."
"Then I'll go back and ask the people in the shop to revise the menu."
The two sat facing each other in the back hall of the yamen, eating until the snack box was empty, the chicken leg was completely devoured, and they even ate a whole scallion pancake. They chatted for a long time until someone from the yamen came in the afternoon, at which point Yuezhi got up to take her leave.
Away from the cheerful and smiling Pei Yao, Yue Zhi's feelings gradually became complicated again.
Pei Heng didn't come for her, she should be happy, so why is she so uneasy about it?
Perhaps the affection for each other from years past still lingers in their hearts. How many decades does a person have? The number of loved ones they hold dear is very small. Can they really just forget them?
As the shop closed in the evening, Huachun stayed in the back room to check the accounts, while Yuezhi returned home alone, looking tired and still feeling down.
As soon as he entered the courtyard, Cui Xianglan, who was resting at home, came to greet him with a strange expression and seemed hesitant to speak.
"What's wrong?" Yuezhi asked, taking off her coat.
Cui Xianglan dismissed the maids and nannies in the courtyard, moved closer to her, and said in a very low voice, "That person is here."
Yuezhi didn't react for a moment: "Who?"
Cui Xianglan gripped her skirt tightly in her anxiety, her voice even lower: "It's...it's Yunxi and Yanqing's...biological father...isn't he in the capital? Why is he here?"
Upon hearing this, Yuezhi froze in her act of removing her outer garment. Blood rushed to her head, then quickly receded, leaving her feeling dizzy. She turned to stare at Cui Xianglan: "You saw him? What's he doing here?"
“I saw him at the princess’s residence. I thought he was your lover then, but this time he came dressed in fine clothes and had guards with swords with him. He must be of extraordinary status... Moreover, he is the child’s biological father. I dared not stop him…”
After moving into this house, Cui Xianglan was no longer constrained by others and was too lazy to put on airs as a noblewoman. In the morning, she went to a calligraphy and painting gathering to indulge in her refined tastes and had a great time.
When I returned at noon, I saw that group of people. I don't know how they got in. They didn't seem like bandits. They came up and carried a lot of cloth and two fine horses into the house.
They didn't look like bandits, but rather like a god of wealth breaking into the house.
"They just came in without saying much. A few guards started carrying things into the storeroom. He only asked where the two children were, and then... he stayed in your room and played with the two children for the entire afternoon..."
Yuezhi's heart pounded wildly, almost bursting out of her chest. She listened in disbelief and walked into the room.
Feeling guilty for not protecting her home properly, Cui Xianglan followed along and recounted what she had seen.
“I was watching him through the window. He wasn’t a fierce-looking person. He played very well with the two children. At first, they were afraid of him, but within half an hour, they were all clinging to him. Is it because of blood ties that the children know he is their father?”
“Yunxi is quite mischievous, so he used his arm to swing her on a swing, which made the child very happy. And Yanqing, the little guy usually loves to sleep, and he slept on his lap for quite a while.”
Recalling that scene, Cui Xianglan felt like she was dreaming. The noble young man's aura made her dare not even breathe, yet he had a gentle, reserved, and indescribable patience with the child.
"How long has he been gone?" Yuezhi sat down beside the two children's cribs, her voice trembling.
The two children were tired from playing and are now sleeping peacefully.
"After about half an incense stick's time, when they left, they left you a lot of things, saying they were for the children."
Cui Xianglan pointed inside the room, and Yuezhi then noticed two fine wooden boxes in the corner.
I walked over, opened the box, and found it filled with all sorts of children's items.
Half a box contained small clothes made of soft, cloud-like Shu brocade and Suzhou satin, a pair of small and exquisite longevity locks, a wooden Luban lock, a jade nine-linked ring, polished ivory toys, and several rough and somewhat ugly cloth dolls, which were obviously made to resemble the toys she sewed for him when he was a child. Despite her best efforts, they only looked about 50% like the originals.
If she had the heart to sew these things, how could she not be willing to give the cloth dolls she sewed to the child? And then she thought of the plum blossom scent she smelled on him—it must have been made in imitation of her delicate fragrance.
Sitting in that position, you have no good things to offer, yet you still keep those things out of nostalgia. What's the point?
Yuezhi pouted in frustration and glanced at another box. It contained dried fruits and candied fruits that she liked to eat in her spare time, many spices that she couldn't name, and the rest were high-quality tonics such as bird's nest, cordyceps, ginseng, and deer antler, clearly meant to nourish her body.
Every item is something she and her child would use; they are luxurious yet thoughtfully chosen, and could not have been purchased on a whim.
She had no idea when Pei Heng had found out her whereabouts, or why he had come to visit the children but deliberately avoided her.
He reached out, his fingertips brushing against the soft fabric. There were dozens of pieces, ranging from small to large, enough for the two children to wear until they were five or six years old… He hadn’t even seen the children before he came, how could he know they were wearing these sizes now…
The aching, twisting pain in my heart spread again.
She foolishly worried that his appearance would disrupt her life, but he came quietly, spent an afternoon with the children, and left behind these heavy things.
What exactly is he trying to do?
Yuezhi's heart was in complete turmoil.
*
The next day, the afternoon rain pattered down, tapping on the bluestone path, which also stirred up a sense of unease in Yuezhi's heart.
After the last customer left Miguozhai, she told Huachun and the staff to go home early. The rain was getting heavier, and there wouldn't be much business on such a chilly rainy day.
She stayed alone in the shop, slowly organizing the ledgers, wiping the countertops, and as she closed the window panels, her gaze was drawn to a hazy figure in the rain, and she involuntarily drifted out the window.
I couldn't see their faces because they were across the street.
But she recognized him at a glance.
The young man, dressed in a light blue shirt that seemed to blend into the spring rain, stood stubbornly in the cold, slanting rain, facing her, holding an oil-paper umbrella.
Their eyes met in the rain, and he trembled. In the torrential downpour, he could have easily escaped into the vast rain, but under her questioning gaze, he took a step forward.
Yuezhi quickly lowered the window panel to block his view and prevent him from getting any closer.
Turning around and hiding behind the wall, chaos ensued once again.
What exactly does he want to do?
They sent so many things, secretly watched the two children but didn't show themselves in front of her, and now they're standing in the rain like this, are they trying to force her to go out?
Yuezhi was somewhat displeased, her fingertips digging into her palm. Just then, the young waiter retrieved a leather raincoat from the back room and was about to go home.
She called the shop assistant over and whispered, "There's a customer across the street. When you leave, tell him the shop is closing and he doesn't need to wait."
The young waiter responded, put on his raincoat and went out, but quickly ran back, looking somewhat puzzled: "Master, that young master said... he wants to see you."
Yuezhi paused, then a surge of anger welled up inside her.
No way! Why should he get to see me whenever he wants?
"Ignore him." She waved for the young man to hurry home so his shoes and socks wouldn't get wet in the puddles, then took a deep breath, walked to the door, and personally lowered the door panels one by one.
The sound of the wooden door closing shut out most of the rain and also shut that figure out of her world.
Yuezhi sat back in her chair, took some leftover snacks from the kitchen, brewed herself a pot of flower tea, and held the warm teacup to calm herself down.
She was the only one left in the shop, and all she could hear was the sound of rain falling from the eaves of the back room.
Time passed slowly. The tea was finished, the snacks were eaten, and after the accounts were settled, the sound of rain not only did not stop, but became more and more urgent, pattering loudly on the tiles.
It looks like the rain isn't going to stop today.
She quietly moved to the window and peered out through a very thin crack.
He's still alive!
Rainwater soaked his hair, a few strands clinging to his forehead and cheeks. His expensive brocade robe was drenched by the splashing rain, its color patchy, clinging to his body and outlining his slightly thin but still upright figure, looking both disheveled and lonely.
As if unable to withstand the cold rain and the long wait, his face turned pale and his lips lost all color.
He's the emperor! A man of immense wealth and honor, he should be enjoying his riches in the imperial palace, yet he's here in this downpour, refusing to leave. What if he catches a cold and harms his health...? Yuezhi dared not think any further, feeling both anxious and angry.
How could he be so careless with himself? Using this method to pressure her!
Yuezhi didn't want to give in to him, but her body had its own mind. By the time she realized what was happening, she had already taken down the door panel, opened the shop door, and rushed into the torrential rain.
The icy rain instantly soaked her hair and clothes, but she didn't care. She rushed to Pei Heng, grabbed his cold wrist, and her voice was filled with suppressed anger and trembling.
"Are you crazy! I told you to leave, but you wouldn't listen and insisted on standing here in the rain! Get in here now!"
Pei Heng seemed not to have expected her to suddenly appear. He was stunned and staggered a few steps as she pulled him along. The oil-paper umbrella he was holding slipped from his palm, spun around on the bluestone road in the wind, and rolled to the corner of the wall with the rain.
His wrist was icy cold, but when her warm fingers grasped it, it trembled slightly.
Ignoring the wind and rain and the umbrella that was being blown further and further away, when he lowered his eyes, his eyelashes were covered with tiny water droplets, blurring the emotions surging deep in his eyes as he stared at her back, leaving only a damp, fragile, and bewildered look.
Yuezhi almost rudely dragged the person into the shop, then closed the door behind her, shutting out the wind and rain outside.
It was noon, but it was as dark as dusk.
The two were soaked to the bone, and water droplets gathered into a small puddle on the ground beneath their feet.
Yuezhi was panting, her chest heaving, whether from running or from anger, she didn't know. She turned to look at him, and raindrops slid down his angular face, like... tears.
The thought pierced her heart, but was quickly overwhelmed by even greater anger.
Pei Heng lowered his head. He had grown taller than two years ago, but still looked like a child who had done something wrong. He didn't dare to look directly into her angry eyes. He coughed weakly a few times, his voice hoarse.
"Sister... I just wanted to see you."
His voice was weak, hoarse and almost pleading, which, along with his disheveled state, struck Yue Zhi's heart hard, making her feel both heartache and anger.
She opened her mouth, wanting to curse him, question him, and push him away, but all the words stuck in her throat, turning into a low growl with a sob in her voice.
"What exactly do you want! Pei Heng, tell me, what do you want from me!"
The shop was deathly silent, save for the dripping of water droplets from the two people's soaked clothes and the incessant sound of rain outside the window.
Pei Heng was speechless at her question. He lowered his head even further, raindrops sliding down his tense jawline. After a long while, he finally spoke softly, his voice choked with emotion.
"I...I'll be returning to the capital tomorrow."
Yuezhi's knotted heart suddenly relaxed.
He choked back tears, his Adam's apple bobbing violently, a suppressed sob escaping his throat: "I'm ashamed to bother you... I know you don't want to see me. I just... just wanted to come see you before I left... just one last look from afar..."
Pei Heng raised his hand, as if to wipe the rain from his face, but then let it fall limply, his voice almost overflowing with despair: "Sister, I think of you every single day..."
"Smack—!"
A sharp slap rang out suddenly, interrupting his words.
Yuezhi's hand was still raised in the air, trembling slightly.
Pei Heng's face was turned to one side by the slap, and clear finger marks quickly appeared on his pale cheek.
He didn't move, tears that he had been holding back for so long streaming uncontrollably from his bloodshot eyes. He lowered his eyes, turning his face away in an attempt to maintain the last shred of dignity as a man, but the bulging veins on the side of his neck betrayed his heart-wrenching pain.
"I'm so sorry..." Her voice was broken, mingled with hot tears, filled with unbearable regret and pain.
Tears mingled with raindrops on his handsome face, soaking his clothes.
"I'm sorry, I know what I did to you... I was worse than an animal."
Yuezhi stood there watching him, her hands clasped tightly at her sides, stubbornly holding her breath, watching those once domineering eyes now red with tears, filled only with humility and despair.
The impulsive slap did little to make her feel better; instead, it made her feel even more bitter and uneasy.
His absence made her uneasy.
Apologizing to her now only made her more upset.
“Sister, I really know I was wrong… I know I’m unforgivable, and I have no face to ask for your forgiveness…” He choked up, barely able to speak. “If you just say the word, I’ll leave immediately and never appear in front of you and the children again, and I’ll never bother you again…”
Each word was a sharp cut, severing the last remaining bond between them, and also cutting himself in the process.
“I don’t deserve to be the children’s father… If you’re willing, I can always just be their ‘uncle’… as long as I can occasionally know that you are all well…”
What is this all about?
They are not husband and wife, nor are they siblings.
"Stop talking!" Yuezhi finally broke down and shouted. The pain, resentment, and seeing him in such a miserable and pitiful state did not bring her any relief, but instead caused her great heartache.
She rushed up to him, stood on tiptoe, grabbed his collar, and demanded, "What right do you have to say such things? Who are you to me? Yunxi and Yanqing have nothing to do with you, and I have nothing to do with you either. I don't need you calling me 'elder sister' or 'uncle' all the time! I don't need it!"
He was forced to look down at her, his eyes reflecting her tear-streaked face, tears welling up in his eyes.
"Why did you lie to me? I treated you like family, someone I truly trusted, and yet you treated me like that!" She vented all her hatred without restraint, pounding his chest hard.
"What liking, what love, you're a bastard! You gave me a beautiful dream, then shattered it yourself. You're an emperor, you can have anyone you want, why did you... toy with me... I'd already let go, why did you have to reappear..."
She pounded on him repeatedly, without any rhythm, until she lost all strength, her forehead pressed against his chest, tears streaming down her face.
Pei Heng's face was pale, and cold sweat beaded on his forehead.
It wasn't until she caught a whiff of blood that Yuezhi snapped out of her crying. Looking up, she saw blood seeping from his chest, the spot where he had been shot by an arrow while trying to save her years ago.
"Why is he bleeding?" She sobbed, wiping away her tears, even though she clearly remembered that his wound there had completely healed.
"It's okay, I'm used to it." Pei Heng looked down at her, blinked his red eyes, and forced a smile.
For countless days and nights, the poison of the Thousand Silk Inducer tormented him repeatedly. At first, he felt as if his liver and intestines were being torn apart. Later, the attacks became less frequent, but they still made it difficult for him to sleep at night.
He said he would let her go, but he couldn't bear to part with her. By day he was the emperor who ruled the world, but in the dead of night when no one was around, he would weep alone until dawn. His healed wound burst open that winter due to a severe attack of poison, and he bled profusely, almost taking his life. It was the winter when she gave birth to twins.
He was numb to the pain of bleeding, and murmured, "There is no cure for the Thousand Threads Poison. Back then, the Marquis of Jing'an died within three months of being poisoned. As for me... I can still hold on for another two or three years..."
"You've always been healthy, how could this be?" Yuezhi asked anxiously.
"Back then, I thought you would always be by my side, that I would be fearless and able to withstand anything. But you left, and half of my soul went with you... I blame my youthful arrogance; this is my retribution."
After recovering from the excruciating pain, Pei Heng looked at Yue Zhi, whose face was streaked with tears, and his eyes were filled with deep sorrow and self-blame.
He raised his hand and wiped away the tears from the corner of her eyes.
Both of them fell silent, with only Pei Heng's suppressed gasps and the endless sound of rain outside the window.
After a long silence, Yuezhi sighed, "You... went to see the child yesterday?"
“Yes.” Pei Heng nodded, his eyes softening slightly when he mentioned the children. “They are very cute. Yan Qing is quiet and well-behaved like you, and Yun Xi is even more like you, with big, bright eyes.”
He paused, his tone earnest, and looked sincerely at Yuezhi, continuing, "Whatever my sister's plans are in the future—whether she finds another good man to give the children a complete family, or stays as she is today—I will be happy for her..."
“Aheng,” she interrupted his self-righteous blessing.
"I've forgotten about the past."
Her voice pierced the sound of the rain, causing the young man's almost stopped heart to skip a beat, giving rise to a sliver of humble yet unbelievable hope.
Pei Heng's dim eyes brightened slightly, and he subconsciously took half a step forward, his lips trembling as if he wanted to say something—
"Whether I forgive you or not, you don't need to dwell on the past. You're in a high position now, so you must take care of yourself. From now on..."
She turned her head away from him, her voice soft yet firm, "You don't need to come again."
In an instant, the light in Pei Heng's eyes shattered completely, leaving only a blank, painful, and desperate look in his eyes.
He ultimately said nothing, only slowly nodded, turned around, and silently walked step by step into the rain outside the door.
The figure was quickly blurred by the rain and disappeared.
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