Chapter 73 What am I supposed to do?
Li Pan remained silent for a long time.
The story is far too long. The oil lamp on the table has burned down to its last bit. It should be a time for sound sleep, but no one is sleepy at this moment.
He leaned against the wall, his expression blurred in the dim candlelight.
The room was eerily quiet; even the faint crackling of the candlelight sounded unnerving.
He didn't look at Lou Xueying; his eyes were lowered, as if he were looking at the ground, or perhaps at some distant, ethereal place.
Those eyes, sometimes smiling, sometimes sharp, now resembled a bottomless, icy pool, concealing all emotions within, unable to stir even a ripple.
Lou Xueying didn't say anything, she just watched him silently.
His usual composure had vanished, replaced by a chilling aura that, despite his best efforts to suppress it, could not be contained.
His Adam's apple bobbed as if he wanted to say something, but he said nothing, his lips forming a cold, hard line.
She didn't know how much time had passed, but Lou Xueying felt a little stiff and couldn't help but slowly rub her arms.
Li Pan raised his eyes, his gaze fixed on her slightly trembling fingers, and finally spoke.
"Go put on some clothes," he said.
Lou Xueying quietly walked to the luggage, took out an outer robe, and put it on.
“Come here,” he said again.
Lou Xueying obediently walked to his side.
He looked at her and asked, "Did we know each other in a past life?"
Lou Xueying paused for a moment, then shook her head.
“I…I only saw the Marquis from afar during the autumn hunt.” She bit her lip and said softly, “That time, the Marquis hunted a bear all by himself and won first place in the autumn hunt. But the Marquis probably didn’t notice me.”
Li Pan: "So you think that if I don't participate this time, no one will be able to hunt the bear?"
Lou Xueying nodded and stammered, "I had already decided to tell the Marquis everything... but since the Marquis doesn't believe in ghosts and gods, I was afraid he would think I was talking nonsense, so I wanted to make a bet with him first..."
“However, the time of the autumn hunt changed, the people changed, and the outcome changed,” Li Pan said. “And you panicked, didn’t you?”
Lou Xueying lowered her head and remained silent.
Li Pan closed his eyes and pinched the space between his eyebrows.
Now he finally understood where her strange behavior came from.
Why was she in such a hurry to marry him? Why was she so afraid of entering the palace? Why did she repeatedly test his views on ghosts and gods? And why did she dare not answer his repeated questions?
And he finally learned who the man was who would appear at her bedside in the middle of the night, causing her fear and tears.
Even though he still finds the matter of rebirth unbelievable, the evidence before him, including the unusual behavior of the emperor and the crown prince, leaves him no choice but to believe it.
What was I doing when you were experiencing these things in your past life?
“The Marquis is stationed on the northwestern border,” she answered softly. “The Marquis returned to the capital several months ago, but he has no official post there. The old lady also couldn’t adapt to life in the capital, so the Marquis took the old lady back with him.”
At this point, she suddenly remembered something more important and abruptly looked up, saying, "My lord! There will be a war at the end of the year! I'm not lying to you, but I can't remember the exact date, nor can I remember which tribe it will be fighting against..."
Li Pan narrowed his eyes: "Really?"
"Of course it's true!" Lou Xueying exclaimed urgently, "If it weren't for needing to rely on the Marquis later, the Emperor would probably have already..."
Her voice suddenly faded.
Li Pan looked at her and said, "Is this your reason for insisting on marrying me instead of anyone else?"
Lou Xueying was speechless.
Li Pan: "No wonder you always say you've dragged me down with you."
Lou Xueying's heart trembled: "My Lord..."
She feared he would give up and abandon her, but she also felt she had no reason to force him. The vows he had made were based on his understanding at the time; when he made those vows, how could he have imagined that the emperor and the crown prince were waiting to seize him? Even if he backed down, she couldn't blame him.
"I struck the Crown Prince today," he said quietly. "Do you know what the consequences will be?"
"I... I didn't expect him to come, Lord Marquis! I didn't ask to see him!" Lou Xueying hurriedly protested. "I never intended for you to take action..."
Li Pan stared at her, reached out, lifted her chin, and brushed his fingertips across the tear stains on her face, bringing a dry, painful sensation.
“Lou Xueying, what are you thinking? One is the emperor, the other the crown prince, both coveting my wife, yet you say you never intended for us to take direct action.” Li Pan said, enunciating each word clearly. “Not taking direct action means there are only two possibilities. First, I’m kept in the dark, completely unaware. You outwardly comply with my demands while secretly appeasing them both. They don’t care whose wife you are; they only desire to have an affair with you. Second, I know the truth, but I don’t want to clash with them, so I offer you up, and they won’t bother me anymore—which do you choose?”
Lou Xueying stared at him blankly.
"You said the Crown Prince has already been reborn, but he has been pretending not to have been reborn, deceiving you. So why do you think he couldn't keep up the deception tonight?" Li Pan said, "It's because he realized you're about to go to the Northwest, and there's no point in him pretending anymore, so he came to find you. And guess why he was able to find you so late? Because the Emperor wanted to discuss matters with me."
Lou Xueying's face was pale, and she murmured, "He did it on purpose..."
Li Pan's face was somber.
The matters discussed tonight were indeed important, but not so crucial that a conclusion had to be reached tonight. However, Emperor Jinghui refused to release them until very late when Eunuch Zheng came in and whispered a few words in Emperor Jinghui's ear. Only then did Emperor Jinghui finally end the meeting with a few words and let them go.
Li Pan: "In the current situation, he can punish either the Crown Prince or me. It wouldn't be a bad thing for him to punish either of them. However, in my opinion, he probably wants to punish the Crown Prince more right now. But after he punishes the Crown Prince, he'll have time to punish me."
Lou Xueying's mind was in turmoil, and her heart sank to the bottom.
"An emperor, a crown prince, Susu, how could you put me in such a predicament?" He sighed, gripping the back of her head tightly. "What am I supposed to do?"
"I'm sorry..." Lou Xueying trembled, feeling that her words were so pale and powerless.
It's all her fault, how can she make amends?
Li Pan: "Is there anything else you're hiding from me?"
Lou Xueying shook her head repeatedly: "No, really no."
Li Pan: "Why was the Crown Prince reborn?"
Lou Xueying paused for a moment: "I don't know... he didn't say."
Li Pan remained silent in thought.
Lou Xueying clenched her hands, regretting, "If I had told the Marquis earlier, he wouldn't be in such a passive position... It's because I'm always hesitant and weak..."
“It’s too late for regrets now,” Li Pan said. “Besides, your previous concerns were not unfounded. Neither the Emperor nor the Crown Prince had been reborn before, nor had they done anything suspicious. If you had told me this directly, I might have really thought you were delirious.”
Lou Xueying pursed her lips, then asked uneasily, "My lord... is there anything else you want to ask me?"
Li Pan: "What else do you want me to ask you? What are your plans for the future? Do you even know?"
Lou Xueying remained silent.
Li Pan: "Go wash up."
Lou Xueying: "...Where is the Marquis?"
Li Pan: "You don't need to worry about me."
Lou Xueying lowered her eyes, went to fetch water, and silently washed up.
She quietly finished wiping her face, stood by the bed, and hesitated whether to change into her nightgown.
Li Pan leaned against the wall and said, "Where are your face creams? Aren't you going to put them on tonight?"
He knew that she would apply some face cream to her face every night after washing up before bed. It was supposedly a beauty and skincare product, but he didn't really know much about it. He only knew that a small box of it was very expensive.
I saw her applying it yesterday, but she stopped today.
Li Pan: "Eat when you're supposed to eat, sleep when you're supposed to sleep, apply what you need to apply. You've only confessed to some things that happened a long time ago, not some earth-shattering event that suddenly occurred tonight. Why are you being so cautious? Do you think I'd kick you out of this room just because you put on a couple of lumps of face cream?"
Lou Xueying said with a sore voice, "I...I'm afraid the Marquis will think I still have the leisure to do these things..."
She originally thought that after seeing her entangled with the Crown Prince and hearing her shameful past, Li Pan would be furious. Even if his anger wasn't necessarily directed at her, he should still have some normal human emotions.
But he has remained so calm all this time, not even asking her about her messy emotional entanglements, only analyzing the current situation with her.
Too rational, too unlike a normal person.
The more he acted this way, the more flustered Lou Xueying became. She felt like he was a bowstring stretched to its limit but not released, ready to snap at any moment. She was especially worried when he told her not to worry about him.
Li Pan: "Go."
Lou Xueying then sat down at the dressing table and began applying her face cream.
She moved slowly, and the closer she got to her eyes, the more fragile her skin, soaked with countless tears, seemed.
Li Pan: "What's wrong? Is there something wrong with this thing?"
Lou Xueying said in a low voice, "No, it's just that my face hurts a little."
Li Pan walked towards her, looked at her reflection in the bronze mirror for a long time, until she finally finished applying the makeup. He suddenly bent down, turned her face around, and kissed her without saying a word.
Lou Xueying dropped the rouge box in her hand to the ground.
Her eyes widened as she trembled in his arms, feeling his body as hot as fire and as hard as iron.
He had never kissed her so passionately before. It wasn't the excitement of their passionate moments, but a kind of heartbreaking anger. He penetrated her deeply, conquering her lips and tongue, without causing her any pain. She simply endured this sudden storm in a daze, her fingers covering his heart, touching his frantic heartbeat.
His hand moved from her cheek to the back of her neck, his fingertips pressing on her neck pulse.
He pulled away from her lips and kissed her nose, her eyelashes, her brow bone, her forehead, and then down her cheek, kissing her earlobe, finally landing on the pulse in her neck where his fingertips were pressing.
Her blood was flowing vividly beneath his lips.
Her body was perfectly curled up in his arms.
He gritted his teeth and then slammed his fist on the dressing table.
With a thud, all the objects bounced up and overturned the tabletop in a chaotic mess.
He took a deep breath, released her, straightened up, and walked outside.
Lou Xueying grabbed him: "Where are you going?"
He said, "You go to sleep first."
But she stubbornly asked, "Where are you going?"
He said, "I'll be right back."
"Didn't you say..." she murmured, "that kissing me would reassure me and mean you wouldn't abandon me?"
“I haven’t abandoned you.” A vein throbbed on his forehead. “I’m just leaving temporarily, I’ll be back soon.”
“But I’m scared to be alone.” She lowered her head. “I’ve never told anyone about these things before… I don’t know what the consequences would be… Could you stay with me and tell me what you’re thinking about right now…”
He remained silent for a long time before whispering, "Susu, I want to kill someone. But I can't. Let me out first, can I have some wine?"
Lou Xueying was stunned.
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