Chapter 74 His future path was one of no future...
“I’m just an ordinary man. I’m slightly more magnanimous than the men of the capital, but that doesn’t mean I’m truly broad-minded and can accept everything,” Li Pan said. “Right now, when I look at you, I can’t help but think about you and those two… Susu, of course I know it’s not your fault, but I’m not a saint. I also feel jealousy and hatred. I’m jealous that the Crown Prince got your initial sincerity, but when it came to me, you thought of using him first; I’m jealous that the Emperor could make you bow down just by relying on his power, but when it came to me, I repeatedly proved myself, yet you still held back…”
He lowered his eyes to look at her hand that was holding his sleeve, and slowly pushed it away, saying, "I hate them even more. Why did they have the advantage of being able to take the initiative but not cherish you and hurt you like this? I clearly did nothing wrong. I didn't even want to marry you in the first place. Why did I become the target of everyone's hatred in the end?"
He lowered her hand, closed his eyes briefly, and continued, "Susu, I'm in so much pain. Pain turns into anger, and it makes people lose their minds. Do you know what I was thinking when I kissed you just now? I couldn't help but wonder if they had ever treated you like that, I couldn't help but wonder if they knew you better than I did... Susu, I'm not all that bright; I have a dark side too. I just held back because I didn't want to become like the Crown Prince, venting my emotions on you. There's a cause for every effect, and I know who I should confront, but feelings are uncontrollable. I need to calm down alone for a while before I can be with you normally. Do you understand what I mean?"
He opened his eyes, and Lou Xueying saw his reddened eyes.
She had never seen him cry for anyone before, nor had she ever seen him show such pain and helplessness. For a moment, she was stunned and watched helplessly as he opened the door and strode out.
Li Pan found a palace servant on night duty in the outer garden and asked for a jar of wine.
He carried the wine and quickly returned to the courtyard.
Lou Xueying stood at the window watching him. He paused, sat down against the wall, opened the bottle, and said, "I'll stay here. Go to sleep."
Lou Xueying stared at him silently for a moment, then closed the window and turned off the light.
The surroundings darkened, with only the bright moon shining overhead.
Li Pan drank wine, sip after sip, while gazing at the bright moon.
The liquor wasn't strong, but as it went down his throat, it made his whole body feel hot.
He really wanted to kill someone.
He knew that Lou Xueying hadn't told him many details. For example, he still didn't know what the Crown Prince had done to her during the time he treated her like a plaything, which made her dream of being afraid.
But the more she tries to avoid talking about it, the more it proves the inhuman torture she endured.
He couldn't understand why these two men, who all claimed to like her, could turn a blind eye to her pain and why they built their satisfaction on her concessions. If they truly loved her, why could they shatter her beautiful life and destroy her healthy body to death?
He thought of the contraceptive soup she drank, of the child that vanished in an instant, and of her saying that she died well, peacefully, without any pain, and his heart ached as if it were being torn apart.
Death was an abyss to him, something to be avoided at all costs. He fought on the battlefield with an extremely strong will to survive; as long as he had a breath left, he would never give up.
But death was a relief for her, a wish she could never have. She was forced to recuperate, forced to live, forced to live a life that was both superior and utterly degrading.
Li Pan wondered how her slender body, so fragile that he could break it with one hand, could bear so much.
With nowhere to vent his overwhelming rage, he could only gulp down the liquor, trying to numb his mind.
Unfortunately, there was no strong liquor prepared in the garden, and he had a high alcohol tolerance. After drinking a whole jar of liquor, he not only did not feel the ease of living a life of drunkenness and escaping reality, but he also felt that the fire in his heart was burning brighter and brighter, burning away the distracting thoughts in his mind one by one, until only one remained, like refined iron that had been forged a thousand times, clearly imprinted in his mind.
Emperor. Crown Prince.
He was merely a general appointed by the imperial court.
His future path was one of no future.
...
Li Pan blew away the smell of alcohol in the courtyard, rinsed his mouth, and then pushed open the door and went back into the house.
The hazy moonlight filtered through the window, and she was startled awake by the sound of the door being pushed open, raising her head from the table where she had been lying.
Li Pan paused for a moment: "Why aren't you asleep yet?"
Lou Xueying whispered, "I want to wait for you."
Li Pan walked over and pulled her into his arms.
Lou Xueying leaned against his chest, quietly listening to his heavy breathing.
Suddenly, she felt a heat on the tip of her nose, and when she reached out to touch it, she found it was a drop of water.
She looked up in surprise, and another drop of water landed on the corner of her lips, seeping into her mouth, salty and bitter.
"My lord, you..."
"Shushu." He lowered his head, pressed his forehead against hers, and whispered, "You've suffered."
Lou Xueying paused, then suddenly hugged him tightly, choking back tears, "Li Pan..."
"I'm here." He stroked her back, his voice hoarse.
"Li Pan..." she repeated over and over, "Li Pan..."
He repeated it over and over again: "I'm here."
She said, "I wish I had met you in my past life..."
“In your past life, you looked down on me.” Li Pan kissed the corner of her lips, “but it’s not too late in this life.”
"Tonight with the Crown Prince... I resisted, but I couldn't break free from him..."
"He's crazy, don't take it to heart."
"And the last time the emperor summoned you out of the capital to see me alone, it was actually because he had been reborn and discovered that I had also been reborn, so he came to me to confess... I didn't tell you that I fainted once in the middle of that time. When I woke up, he forced me to drink porridge, but I refused. He said that if I drank it, he would summon you back, but I didn't agree." Lou Xueying hugged him and said quickly, "Later, he insisted on giving me a zither. I accepted it in order to go home, but after I got on the carriage to go home, I smashed the zither in front of him, and he didn't come after me again."
Li Pan paused for a moment, then kissed her moist eyes and said, "You've been very brave, Susu. At least I wouldn't dare to smash things in front of him. You're braver than me."
Lou Xueying: "But how dare you hit the Crown Prince?"
Li Pan: "You should hit him too."
Lou Xueying hesitated and said, "He...he slapped me tonight, then regretted it and told me to slap him back. I was terrified."
Li Pan's voice immediately turned serious: "He hit you again? Didn't he come to you to beg for peace? How can this be? He came to beg for peace, yet he still resorted to violence?"
Lou Xueying gave a soft "hmm": "I couldn't help myself and deliberately said some things to provoke him. He can't stand this kind of stimulation."
Li Pan wanted to light a lamp to take a closer look at her face, but she grabbed him and said, "It's nothing, I can't even tell anymore."
Li Pan: "Does he often hit you?"
Lou Xueying paused for a moment, then said, "It used to be... but after I miscarried, he never laid a hand on me again."
Li Pan paused for a moment, then involuntarily placed his hand on her lower abdomen and whispered, "Does it hurt a lot?"
Lou Xueying remained silent.
Li Pan sneered, "Looks like I didn't hit you enough today. I should have taken advantage of the chaos to land a few more punches."
Lou Xueying: "You...you didn't use your full strength when you hit him, did you?"
Li Pan: "Don't worry, I know what I'm doing. If I really use my full strength, he can die on the spot, but I don't want to go to jail."
Lou Xueying breathed a slight sigh of relief, then became worried again: "Then... what will we do in the future?"
Li Pan: "Do you still have feelings for them?"
Lou Xueying quickly shook her head: "No, absolutely not!"
Li Pan: "Are you really not even a little bit of affection left?"
Lou Xueying had a vague sense of unease: "What are you going to do?"
"I didn't do anything." Li Pan ruffled her hair. "The most important thing right now is to save my life. I know what's important."
Neither of them spoke again.
After a long silence, Lou Xueying called out, "Li Pan."
"Um?"
“You, you shouldn’t be jealous of them…” she said, mustering her courage. “I’ve never liked one of them; as for the other, I only mistook my feelings for love when I was young and naive. In reality, if you count the time we’ve spent together, it probably hasn’t even been a few days. You really don’t need to compare yourself to them.”
Li Pan: "...Hmm."
Lou Xueying continued, "I know, I'm incredibly cowardly and useless. I don't dare to retaliate against them; I only dare to hide from them. But they've also been reborn, and they still won't let me go... Now, now I understand. I've been fantasizing that things will develop in the direction I want. I hope that there will never be any conflicts in this world that I'm afraid of, but that won't happen... I should have given up on my fantasies and faced reality sooner..."
As the saying goes, "Today you cede five cities, tomorrow ten, and then you can sleep peacefully for one night." But for her, even that was impossible. Her concessions were useless, her tears were useless, and even her resistance was useless.
No matter how fiercely the weak act, in the eyes of those in power, it is nothing more than a trick to arouse their interest.
She said, "Li Pan, I will definitely change... I really will change..."
She heard the person in front of her take a deep breath and then slowly exhale.
"Shushu," he said. "You just need to remember these words yourself; you don't need to promise me anything."
Lou Xueying: "I'm afraid you'll be disappointed in me..."
“I won’t be disappointed in you, because I never expected anything from you,” he said. “Even if you can’t do it, I won’t blame you. That’s just how things are. You’re fighting against the Heavenly Family all by yourself. No matter how hard you try, you probably can’t change anything.”
He paused, then added, "But since you've chosen me, I won't leave you all alone."
Lou Xueying couldn't help but clutch his clothes tightly and hold her breath.
He said, "I won't let you down, Susu."
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com