Chapter 17 You've Always Been in My Heart
Jiang Meng returned home to find Ye Zhaoxu back from her trip, wearing sunglasses on her forehead, making a simple late-night snack in the kitchen.
She seemed to be in a good mood, humming a tune as she stir-fried vegetables in the oil.
Ye Zhaoxu was also on summer vacation, finally able to relax. Bored at home, she often joined group tours to travel within China, usually for a few days or even longer trips. Ye Zhaoxu always traveled alone. Since Jiang Meng was busy studying, she didn't let her interfere. Whenever people in her group asked about her husband and children, she would just smile and say, "I don't have a husband, and my child is preparing for the college entrance exam."
Jiang Meng leaned against the kitchen doorway and looked at her: "Mom, if I want to go abroad, will you still not support me?"
The humming stopped, and Ye Zhaoxu said, "Why bring this up again?"
The reason I used the word "again" is because Jiang Meng had previously considered studying abroad.
But her parents disagreed.
Ye Zhaoxu did not support it, for a simple reason: she believed that Jiang Meng would not be able to take good care of herself while living alone away from home.
In the eyes of adults, children are very naive. They are just reaching adulthood and their minds are not mature enough. How can they face the colorful world that is so free that it has no limits? She felt that if they had to go abroad, it would be better to go for a master's degree. She didn't know about other people's children, but for Jiang Meng, who was psychologically younger, there had to be a transition period to face the adult world.
Jiang Meng told her, "Chen Jizhou said he's going to Singapore."
Ye Zhaoxu didn't turn around to look at her expression, but judging from her tone, she was obviously a little unconvinced and a bit angry: Why can he go but I can't?
This time, she nodded without hesitation: "Then you can go with him, I agree to that—but there are only two good schools in Singapore, are you sure you can get in?"
Jiang Meng's face lit up with joy at her agreement, but she pouted when she heard the second half of the sentence: "You're just trying to dampen my spirits."
Ye Zhaoxu chuckled: "I call this pouring cold water on you? I'm advising you to assess the situation carefully."
The person behind him started talking to himself again: "Xie Zhuo is going to America, then I'll go to America too, there are many schools in America."
“Xie Zhuo,” Ye Zhaoxu shook his head and said, “Let’s forget about it. You were kidnapped, and he only realized it after walking three hundred meters away.”
Jiang Meng laughed and said, "That's going too far."
The mother added insult to injury: "He doesn't even care about you."
"Is Chen Jizhou only interested in me?"
Ye Zhaoxu said, "He is meticulous, which is perfect for someone as careless as you."
Jiang Meng felt the conversation was going off-topic, and she frowned in confusion: "What do you mean by 'suitable'?"
"She's perfect as a boyfriend."
Jiang Meng almost jumped up: "Don't call every guy 'boyfriend, boyfriend'! We're just friends!"
She turned and left in anger, then plopped down on the sofa.
"Alright, alright, I was just using an analogy," Ye Zhaoxu said with a smile. "You're getting all worked up over a joke."
While Ye Zhaoxu was eating, he checked his phone and said, "Don't go to evening self-study tomorrow. I'll take you to see a movie. There's a new American movie out recently, it looks pretty exciting."
Jiang Meng: "Isn't Daddy going?"
Ye Zhaoxu was silent for a moment, then shifted her gaze from the phone screen to her daughter's face, her voice softening: "Does he have to come along? Isn't it better with Mom?"
Jiang Meng draped a cushion over her lower abdomen and leaned back on the sofa. "I was just asking."
When Jiang Meng was little, the family of three often went to the movies, but Jiang Su was clearly not enthusiastic about such family activities. Moreover, Ye Zhaoxu said that before Jiang Meng was born, she and Jiang Su had never watched a movie alone.
The way her parents met was a mystery to Jiang Meng. They never talked about their past, about their relationship and how they dated. When Jiang Meng occasionally asked, they would tell her, as if they had prepared their own stories, that they met through a blind date.
-
In the end, she tore off the note Chen Jizhou had written on the title page and took it with her. She put it in her pencil case and saw it every day.
Jiang Meng often steals Chen Jizhou's things, and she occasionally reflects on whether she is being "bad" to him.
But she did want to hold onto something. Gifts, keepsakes, every little detail of her interactions with others—it was all there, a trace of a relationship that had existed, and a representation of an important part of her life.
We must exchange and give gifts frequently, because traces and time themselves cannot be preserved.
For her, the words on this piece of paper meant more than the content.
"Seeing the words is like seeing the person"—what a touching meaning!
That day in class, she was studying a list of students who were about to enter their senior year at the No. 1 High School.
The clues are becoming clearer: A must be someone in the same grade who has a crush on her.
Jiang Meng did something tedious: she crossed out some people she felt couldn't possibly be him, but the remaining 80% of the names still numbered in the hundreds.
This is a foolish act, akin to looking for a needle in a haystack.
"Jiang Meng".
Li Shuheng was a few days late; it was raining outside when he arrived. A call from him made Jiang Meng look up from her pointless exploration.
He took off his windproof jacket and wiped the raindrops from his hair. He was still remarkably well-suited to the rainy day.
"You're here." Jiang Meng smiled at him.
Li Shuheng entered the classroom through the back door, stopped in front of Jiang Meng's seat, looked her up and down quietly, and asked with a smile, "Was the fireworks beautiful that day?"
Jiang Meng's smile froze for a moment, her eyes flickering: "How did you know?"
He hasn't answered yet.
"Li Shuheng," the female teacher in front noticed a new student coming over and carried two test papers, "take these two math test papers and do them."
Li Shuheng walked forward.
Jiang Meng watched his retreating figure.
There happened to be an empty seat next to Jiang Meng, so Li Shuheng sat down there.
When he returned, she was about to ask him a couple more questions, but Li Shuheng took the test paper and started looking at the questions, seemingly having no interest in chatting with her anymore.
Jiang Meng swallowed back what she was about to say.
She thought, given the scale of the event that day, it wasn't surprising that he had heard about it.
In this newly formed class, Jiang Meng didn't know many people, so it was very convenient to have an acquaintance join them so they could discuss difficult problems.
Another tedious day of studying came to an end. Jiang Meng stayed after school to do some exercises when her phone vibrated. She took it out and glanced at it; it was a text message from an unfamiliar number.
She clicked on it and was shocked to see two messages.
"Your father is having an affair."
"There's a children's art studio on the third floor of Joy City. He spends every Friday and Saturday evening there with a little boy taking him to art lessons."
With a "snap".
The phone crashed heavily to the ground.
Li Shuheng, who was quietly doing his homework, was startled. His first reaction was to look down at the fallen object. Then, seeing the girl's pale face, he picked it up for her. Without looking at the screen, he turned off the screen and placed the phone face down in her hand.
Li Shuheng didn't know what had happened, but when he returned the phone to her, he noticed that Jiang Meng's hands were trembling slightly. He zoomed in on the area he was observing and found that not only her hands, but her whole body was shaking, including her eyes.
"Jiang Meng?" he called her softly.
Jiang Meng did not respond. She looked at the screen in her hand again, but her eyes were unfocused. It was as if she was not looking at her phone, but rather her soul was out of her body. She could not hear the sounds around her and was in a state of blocking out her own signals. It took about two minutes before she came back to her senses.
Jiang Meng reopened her phone, looked at the text message again, and then asked him in a trembling voice, "What day is it today?"
Li Shuheng had been observing her: "Monday, what's wrong?"
The phone fell vertically, and the screen cracked with a gap, ugly and uneven, like a scar.
Jiang Meng didn't want to stay here anymore.
She quickly packed all her things and got up.
Li Shuheng watched her movements.
Throughout the process, he hesitated about whether to leave with her, but he was afraid that his presence would be a disturbance. However, Jiang Meng took two steps outside, then quickly turned back and whispered, "Let's go together."
"good."
The old street is lined with sycamore trees, and they walked side by side beneath their green leaves. It wasn't too late yet; summer days are long, and the evenings are languid and leisurely, with the sun already shining brightly.
But Jiang Meng's heart was tightly knotted.
Her clenched teeth hadn't loosened yet, and the numbness in her limbs and the rush of blood to her head hadn't completely subsided. She used inertia to propel herself forward, but her limbs felt as if they had detached from her soul, weak and feeble.
Li Shuheng didn't ask her what was wrong.
He didn't speak, giving her space to adjust, until Jiang Meng asked, "What kind of person is your brother?"
Her voice sounded like it was about to break.
He revised his previous answer, describing it in more detail: "Actually, he's quite cute and lively. Some people may have a natural ability to be endearing. He's a lot like my uncle—my stepfather."
Jiang Meng listened absentmindedly.
She didn't want to know anything about her brother; she just needed something to talk about to keep her grounded and prevent her from continuing to fall into a daze.
Jiang Meng no longer avoided mentioning his family and asked directly, "Did you live with your mother?"
"Um."
"And what about your father?"
Li Shuheng said, "My dad? I haven't been in touch with him for a long time. He probably has a lot of women."
He paused for a moment, then sighed slightly, "It's always been like this, just a bastard."
How can they look so alike?
Jiang Meng pulled out the hangnail from her finger, the pain was excruciating, and blood was flowing freely.
As she listened to Li Shuheng recount his distressing family situation, she felt an unprecedented sense of closeness to this boy.
What is this, mutual appreciation, or sharing the same plight?
But she didn't want to think she was sick.
Jiang Meng tried to dispel this idea.
When she was little, she was sent to a dance class. While others could persevere, she complained that doing the splits hurt so much that her father would pick her up and say, "Then you can't learn anymore."
If you're clumsy and can't learn to ride a bike, Dad will say: "It's okay, bicycles aren't that important anyway, we'll be driving cars in the future."
She used to be a delicate, crybaby princess.
Eventually, tears lost their power. She was banished, completely losing the ability to manage the family's emotions.
She constantly reflected on her experiences and studied diligently.
She knew it must be her grades that caused the problem.
If I do better on the exam, my dad will like me and love me again.
Even just—look me in the eye.
Is this the right approach?
But it seems it didn't make much of a difference. Even if his grades really improved, he only showed a negligible amount of positive feedback.
There's no going back.
My classmates used to joke that love doesn't disappear, it just moves on.
Sure enough, one day, this statement will come true randomly in any relationship.
It turns out that the endless neglect was foreshadowed.
Jiang Meng knew that if she said these things, Li Shuheng would understand, and they would have endless heart-to-heart talks.
Before becoming a brother, he must have had times when tears could bring forgiveness.
When they parted, Jiang Meng asked him a question: "Do you know the meaning of 'Everything has a beginning, but few things have an end'?"
Li Shuheng thought for a moment, then gave an uncertain answer: "Stories always start beautifully, but it's hard to have an unwavering ending, right?"
She turned around and said yes.
-
Jiang Meng, wanting to escape, blocked the number that had sent her the text message.
A local number; for reasons unknown, the other party chose to tell her this secret. Bystander? Involved? It doesn't matter.
She just thought that as long as she didn't face it, she could pretend it never happened.
She could interpret it as a prank by someone who simply wanted to hurt her or destroy her family harmony.
They're all fake.
Jiang Meng had never experienced such a long five days, from Monday to Friday.
She pretended that nothing had happened and quickly adjusted her mindset to focus on her studies.
But on Friday night, Jiang Meng still appeared at the subway station exit of the mall.
No one had asked her to come, but she stood there.
After the start of autumn, there's a sense of desolation in the wind.
Jiang Meng carried her schoolbag, each step heavy.
She would take two steps and then stop, each pause a moment of contemplation as she considered whether to turn back.
She was clearly hesitant, clearly trying to back down, but fate still excessively guided her gaze, making her see Jiang Su's car parked downstairs.
A shopping mall, a car.
The middle section is bustling with people and vehicles.
The truth won't be written on the street.
But Jiang Meng couldn't walk anymore. She squatted down and stayed there for a long, long time. Her legs and feet were numb. She didn't know whether to leave or continue to squat and wait for an answer.
She looked at her father's car and finally could no longer stand everything here.
As she ran back, Jiang Meng burst into tears without warning.
These past few days, she's just felt emotionally dry and had a tightness in her chest, but no tears.
Until now.
Jiang Meng ran to the subway entrance, clutching her chest and panting heavily.
Passersby came to ask if something had happened to her, but Jiang Meng shook her head with tears in her eyes.
My backpack is so heavy.
My feet feel so heavy.
My head feels so heavy.
She didn't want to go anymore.
She didn't want to know anymore.
If you don't know, it's the same as if it never happened.
Nothing happened.
Her father is still her father alone.
Jiang Meng sniffed, wiped away a hot tear, and hurriedly ran into the depths of the subway, bypassing the crowd on the descending escalator.
The train carriages on my way home were empty.
There were seats available, but she didn't sit down. Jiang Meng turned her back and stood in the corner, took out her phone, and chose Friend A from the chat box between Chen Jizhou and Friend A.
She typed quickly:
"There's something else I haven't told you yet."
"No, I haven't told anyone, not even my best friend."
"When I was in fourth or fifth grade, my grades were pretty bad. The affiliated middle school in our area required an entrance exam, and I was more than 20 points short of the cutoff score. I could only get in by paying money. My dad thought I was pretty useless. Once, I overheard him and my mom discussing having another child."
Tears splattered on the screen. Jiang Meng wiped them away haphazardly, then leaned against the wall to calm herself down.
Her parents were both rational people and rarely argued.
Jiang Su's intention in discussing matters with Ye Zhaoxu that day wasn't sharp; he simply sat on the sofa and calmly offered her a suggestion.
Jiang Meng, inside the bedroom, heard Ye Zhaoxu yell at him, unable to contain himself any longer: "What do you take your daughter for?!"
She even threw something out: "If you want to have a baby, you figure it out yourself. I will never have a second child in my life!"
Ye Zhaoxu was quite strict with Jiang Meng.
When she doesn't study hard, she will scold her: "Can't you shake the water out of your brain and listen to the lesson properly?"
But she would also say: What can I do if my grades are really bad? If my grades are bad, does that mean you're not my daughter anymore?
That evening, Jiang Meng cautiously asked her mother, "Does Dad not like me?"
Mom paused for a moment and then said, "It's not that I don't like you."
That's a very tactful way of putting it; adding any twists or turns afterward would be superfluous.
"Focus on preparing for the exam and stop thinking about all that nonsense."
Ye Zhaoxu is a very cool person.
She hopes Jiang Meng will study hard, as it is her responsibility as a mother.
She would never use phrases like "As long as you study hard, Dad will like you" to suppress or spur her on.
She knew perfectly well that these were two different things.
Just as she didn't care whether Jiang Su had feelings for her, Ye Zhaoxu didn't care whether Jiang Su liked their daughter or not.
She only hoped that Jiang Meng would have her own opinions and the ability to stand on her own two feet.
Jiang Meng and her mother often bicker and disagree, leading to unpleasantness.
But her mother loved her very much, and she never doubted that.
The feeling of being loved and not being loved may seem difficult to discern, requiring much searching, but in reality, it is the most straightforward thing. You don't need to develop a particularly keen mind to clearly grasp the answer.
True love is always clear, like the weather you can see when you look up.
From that day on, Jiang Meng stopped going home as much.
After school, she wandered aimlessly through the jewelry store near the school gate, circling back and forth several times. Finally, she pointed to a pendant dangling on the wall and said to the shop assistant, "I want that one."
She traded ten yuan for a pumpkin carriage.
They say that Cinderella will ride it to see the prince, and that she has the right to continue being a princess in the fairy tale until the midnight bells ring.
The keychain hung on her finger, swaying with the rhythm of the subway.
Jiang Meng typed on her shattered phone screen, telling him everything: "I didn't want to cry to anyone and upset you. I'm sorry, I really couldn't hold on these past two days. I never imagined something like this would happen to me."
A was online, and he typed for a long time while looking at her message.
It seemed like a problem that even the most eloquent person couldn't solve no matter how hard they racked their brains, so he could only awkwardly answer, "I have no way to solve this problem."
Jiang Meng thought bitterly, "It's okay, just listen to me."
Actually, she felt much better after she talked about it.
When she looked at the screen again, another long message had been sent.
A: "But I want to tell you, you have your strengths, your irreplaceable qualities. Having another younger sibling won't make you disappear from this world; there will still be people who love you. They won't change because of anyone else's appearance; they won't change, they won't disappear. They just love you, there's no way they can not love you. No matter what you become, your existence is very important to me. Very, very important, extremely important. Although I'm not a big shot, you'll always be in my heart. Does thinking like this make you feel better?"
Jiang Meng stood there, stunned.
Is he... confessing his feelings?
He gave her the impression of being very capable and eloquent, able to handle any topic with ease.
This answer was very unlike his personality; his hasty and lengthy speech seemed a bit cumbersome.
Even now, Jiang Meng can still spare a thought for the people on the other side; perhaps he is also nervous.
—It's not just a possibility; his tension was already overflowing from his writing.
He would get so nervous his palms would sweat, so nervous he would blurt out such a direct and passionate confession, he would anxiously wait for her reply on the screen, and when he couldn't see her speak, he would cautiously ask her, "Are you still there?"
Jiang Meng: "Mm"
A: "It's okay if you don't respond to me, just don't cry."
The tears that fell after being comforted were even hotter than the ones before.
Jiang Meng calmed down for a moment, found a seat, and held her wet face, wiping her eyes with a tissue one last time.
A while later, she sent Chen Jizhou a message: "My dad might have an illegitimate child, what should I do?"
Chen Jizhou: "Where are you?"
Jiang Meng: "I just left home, I'll be home soon."
Chen Jizhou said, "I'm coming right away."
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