Difficulty in achieving freedom (Part 3)
After a week-long observation period, Fang Xiaocan was finally released from prison. However, her long-awaited retirement life did not come true, and she was taken away early to prepare for the competition in the spring of next year.
Zhou Zeyi didn't have any particular thoughts on Fang Xiaocan's decision, but he felt it seemed a bit too hasty. She was rushing to train right after the surgery, without even having time to recover.
Of course, she had tried to persuade her, but as mentioned before, Fang Xiaocan was a notoriously stubborn person who never went back on her word, so persuasion was futile and hoping for her to change her mind was probably unrealistic. Zhou Zeyu decided to let her go.
But this left Zhou Zeyu all alone again.
During her time alone, she certainly didn't stay idle; she continued to plan her career in earnest.
To be honest, Zhou Zeyu herself didn't know what she wanted to do, so of course she was at a loss about her future development. She seemed to have gotten used to being an athlete, and that was indeed the only thing she had done all these years. She was already very good at it, but the biggest problem was that this skill was no longer useful to her now.
Fortunately, it's already the end of the year, and Zhou Zeyu, who was overwhelmed with worries, can finally catch his breath because the New Year is just around the corner.
The most important thing was that after dragging it out for more than half a month, she finally told her parents about returning to China, but she concealed some things.
For example, she had actually been back for more than half a month, instead of "just getting off the plane" as she said on the phone; or she was now an unemployed person who had been kicked out of the team, instead of still on that long and endless sick leave.
I'm not going to say anything more.
In the years following her parents' divorce and subsequent remarriages, Zhou Zeyu often tried to convince herself that she would at least receive four red envelopes during the Lunar New Year. And indeed, compared to her biological mother, who was constantly traveling across the country for business, Aunt Chen sometimes showed her more care and concern.
As if knowing that such a family situation was too bad for her, God was at least kind. Zhou Zeyu's stepmother was an absolute good person, so good that Zhou Zeyu found it a little hard to understand.
For example, now, upon hearing that Zhou Zeyu had nowhere to go after returning to China and could only live in a small apartment in Beijing with Coach Xu, Aunt Chen burst into tears and insisted that she return to Hangzhou, even though she herself was already too busy to leave her feet at home with her chattering twins.
Aunt Chen is a good person, and the twins like her very much. The only one who is unwilling is herself.
She disliked the feeling of being detached and had no sense of belonging to that new family. In fact, what prompted her to return had nothing to do with any of that.
Before receiving Coach Xu's call, Zhou Zeyu had been racking her brains trying to figure out how to refuse Aunt Chen, but as if knowing her predicament, her phone rang at just the right moment.
When Zhou Zeyu answered the phone, she felt a sense of relief, even unconsciously, because she guessed that Coach Xu's call must be related to the Chinese New Year, and that he might be taking her back to his hometown, just like he had done before.
In fact, this scenario is quite likely. After all, Coach Xu is unmarried and childless, and he is criticized like a Class A war criminal as soon as he returns to his hometown. Zhou Zeyu, on the other hand, has accomplished nothing and doesn't know how he can face his family when he goes home. So, the two of them can find a way to support each other, which is the most optimistic scenario.
However, unexpectedly, Coach Xu did not mean that this year.
His meaning was clear: Zhou Zeyu could no longer bury his head in the sand and hide from his parents, nor could he continue to shamelessly use various excuses to delay going home. This year, Coach Xu would stay in Nanjing to work, while Zhou Zeyu had to go home for the Spring Festival.
Coach Xu, after the phone call, habitually ignored her strange exclamation. "You haven't been back for years? It's still your home, after all. Go back and see your parents, have a proper New Year. What's wrong with that?"
Zhou Zeyi didn't believe he didn't know why he didn't want to go home. She snorted coldly, "What's wrong with it? There are plenty of bad things about it. Go home? Which home? Dad's or Mom's?"
“What do you mean, which home to go back to? Didn’t your Aunt Chen tell you to go back for the New Year? It’s not like she beat you three times to stop you from going back. Don’t always look so bitter and resentful.”
"You're being unreasonable! So what if I don't go back!" Zhou Zeyu laughed angrily. Seeing that he had nothing to say, he simply started to act like a rogue.
Both her parents have remarried, and she's not some immature child anymore. There's no need for her to agonize over whether to live with her dad or her mom. She might as well live with neither of them. Why make herself unhappy? To put it bluntly, what difference is there between her and a stranger now?
"Miss me?" She was almost laughing in anger. "Miss me where? Are these two among the people who want me to come home for the New Year? One is my stepmother, and the other is my coach. Why haven't my parents said it to me?"
She shook her head, took a deep breath to calm herself down, knowing that her tone had been too harsh, but the grievances and resentment in her heart could not be dispelled.
Coach Xu was taken aback for a moment, then quickly reassured her, "Who said that? Don't you know your parents' personalities? Maybe they just didn't have the heart to tell you. Otherwise, why would your Aunt Chen suddenly ask you to come back? Your dad must have had his reasons too, right?"
Zhou Zeyi shook his head, and after waiting for a while without the other person speaking, he realized that Coach Xu couldn't see him, so he spoke again to emphasize, "I won't go back unless they tell me themselves."
The person on the phone sighed heavily, "You're such a stubborn child. What kind of grudge could you possibly hold against your parents? You resent that they've cared less about you since their divorce, but what about before? What about when you were a child? You can't erase all of that."
A wave of unbearable bitterness welled up in Zhou Zeyu's heart. He tried his best to suppress the trembling in his voice and replied calmly, "Yes, that's right, but I just can't... not care."
She was always too sentimental and sometimes too sensitive, but Zhou Zeyi didn't think there was anything wrong with that. At least on many occasions, she could clearly perceive the changes in the other person's emotions, such as from love to perhaps not so much love. Who wouldn't feel the difference between these two?
She couldn't bring herself to lie and pretend that everything between her and her parents was still the same; that would be too hypocritical, she couldn't do it.
In fact, Zhou Zeyi knew the reason for all this. It was very simple: because the relationship between husband and wife had broken down beyond repair, they would naturally subconsciously avoid the part of each other that they could not sever ties with, such as the children.
Her parents, having experienced such a terrible ordeal, were no longer able to treat each other with equanimity, and similarly, they could no longer treat her the way they used to.
Her mother's approach was simple: she threw herself wholeheartedly into her business. This strong woman's footprints were all over the country, and being busy became the best excuse for her absences. She sent remittances and gifts without fail, but never made a phone call or sent a message.
Her father... had a happy family, with his wife and two children building a brand new future. Not many people could find the time to think of their daughter who was far away in the midst of such mundane life.
To be honest, Zhou Zeyi didn't care about these things anymore. The most difficult and painful period was long over, and as long as she forced herself to get through the loneliest days, there was nothing she couldn't accept afterward.
She doesn't care whether her parents still call or text, doesn't care how much she means to them, and doesn't care whether they reunite for Chinese New Year this year. None of these things matter because she hasn't had a home for a long time.
Having lived to this point in life, one should have seen through many things long ago, Zhou Zeyu thought. But if a person could truly abandon all emotions, then that person would no longer be a person.
She closed her eyes and shook her head wearily. "Old Xu, this is my decision. Don't force me. At worst, I'll just live alone. It's no big deal."
"It's nothing, how can it be nothing?" Coach Xu seemed a little anxious. "Alright, alright, I won't force you, you decide for yourself."
After hanging up the phone, Zhou Zeyu casually pulled out a tissue, blew his nose, and tried to calm his eyes down, trying not to think about those irrelevant things.
Go home, go home, what kind of home?
Cen Zheng once jokingly told her that she felt it wasn't so bad to stay in the team and play basketball for life, at least you could ignore a lot of things. But once you leave that place that provides shelter from the wind and rain, you'll find that besides playing basketball, there are so many different kinds of troubles in this world.
That's right. Zhou Zeyu didn't understand it at the time, but when she realized it, she herself had become one of those people.
No need to worry about whether the short-sleeved shirts I wash tonight will be dry tomorrow, no need to be sad about not being able to get chicken legs at the cafeteria, no longer feeling that sense of urgency as a major competition approaches, and of course, no need to worry about my knees aching at some inopportune moment.
Because the worries have increased and become bigger.
She was busy finding a job to settle down in the city, trying to prevent her chronic health problems from affecting her daily life, and dealing with so many things that seemed so distant before: family crises, interpersonal relationships, life planning...
If only people could be ostriches for their entire lives, but that's impossible. Who can bury their head in the sand forever? The winds in Beijing are so strong; they'd probably blow the sand away in less than three seconds.
Zhou Zeyu looked down, and her phone screen suddenly lit up. The caller's name was a familiar one. She sighed, and after the dial tone rang three times, she answered the call.
She closed her eyes, trying to make her voice sound less somber. "Yes, it's me."
"dad."
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