Difficulty in achieving freedom (Part Two)
With his mind wandering aimlessly through a series of images flashing by like a revolving lantern, Zhou Zeyu lay there, staring blankly at the smoke alarm in the ward, when he suddenly realized that his memories were the most illusory things in the world.
Because it always subconsciously embellishes those bad memories, edits and beautifies them, or at worst completely forgets them. So when you stand still and look back, you are suddenly surprised to find that what remains are all the good ones. What about the rest? Are they really completely covered up?
Actually, no.
The idealized memories are like a hazy veil, and when you lift it, you'll find that those unbearable and painful memories are still there, only less noticeable, yet still impossible to completely let go of.
At least Zhou Zeyu still remembers.
Suddenly a dark shadow appeared in front of him, startling Zhou Zeyu so much that he abruptly ended his thoughts, staring wide-eyed. However, the moment his eyes focused, he deflated and slapped her.
Fang Xiaocan smiled at her and sat down in the small space next to her. "Aren't you going to sleep yet? What are you thinking about?"
Zhou Zeyu lay down beside her, making room for her, and asked, "You weren't asleep either? What are you thinking about?"
"You should know what I'm thinking."
"Then you should know what I'm thinking."
Fang Xiaocan scoffed, "Are you a broken record? I was just trying to cheer you up because you looked so worried. Little mute, what are you thinking about?"
Fang Xiaocan rolled her eyes, stopping her from speaking. "Alright, alright, I knew it as soon as I saw your reaction. You miss your good Cen Zheng, don't you?"
Zhou Zeyu pouted, clearly dissatisfied with her blunt and direct way of probing. "What, are you planning to become a fortune teller instead of playing ping-pong?"
"Well, I still don't have that ability," she said honestly. "After all, it's easier to guess what you're thinking, otherwise why would Cen Zheng like to treat you like a follower?"
Fang Xiaocan scratched his head, not embarrassed at all, and chuckled twice, "What's wrong? You don't like hearing the truth, do you? Well, people just see you as a follower."
"You still say that? I'm covering my ears."
"Hey, hey, stop!" Fang Xiaocan quickly pressed her hand down and said hastily, "Okay, okay, I won't say anything, alright? What did she say to you outside today? Why are you so unsettled?"
Zhou Zeyu shrugged, really unwilling to repeat himself, and only picked out the important points to say.
"Why is she suddenly so concerned about you? Does she want to borrow money from you or marry you?" Fang Xiaocan scoffed at this. "Don't glare at me. Am I wrong? It's been so long since she's shown you any concern. What's she up to now? Is she trying to recruit you as her mercenary?"
Zhou Zeyi couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Where is this? A crime city?"
Fang Xiaocan scoffed, shifted to a more comfortable position, sat down in the corner of Zhou Zeyu's companion chair, raised her legs high on the hospital bed, and let out a long, drawn-out sigh.
"So, what do you think she meant?"
Zhou Zeyu chuckled, "You really know how to ask questions. You asked the question I least know how to answer."
If she could figure this out, Zhou Zeyu wouldn't be tossing and turning in her sleepless nights. What troubled Zhou Zeyu the most and what she couldn't understand was Cen Zheng's attitude—why did she suddenly do this?
In fact, Zhou Zeyu herself had to admit that she was indeed naturally less perceptive in interpersonal relationships, so she didn't understand what went wrong between her and Cen Zheng, or what had led them to this point.
I don't know when it started, but their relationship became distant. Perhaps it was after she became famous, perhaps when she was full of pride, or perhaps even when she was already feeling satisfied.
In short, Zhou Zeyi had wondered more than once whether God sent Cen Zheng to his side just to help him get through the most difficult period of his life, and then Cen Zheng left again just as things were starting to get better.
Their communication became very limited. Scrolling down the recent call list for a minute, they couldn't find each other's names. The few exchanges they had were just nods and passing by. Sometimes Zhou Zeyu would stop and stare blankly at her departing figure, but she never said a word.
Snacks would no longer appear on her desk, nor would there be warm towels after a sweaty training session. No one would stay behind her when she dawdled, and of course, no one would accompany her to the quiet, deserted rooftop to enjoy the breeze and clear her mind.
The disappearance of one person from another's life may seem insignificant, but it can suddenly make you realize it in some subtle detail.
This kind of subtle disappearance is also the most obvious. It forces you to make a complete break with another person, and the void left by that person is slowly replaced by other people or things until you completely let go and forget.
But Zhou Zeyu can't forget it.
At that young and inexperienced age, she arrived in an unfamiliar city and struggled to find a way out of the conflict between ideals and reality. However, she was fortunate enough to be blessed by heaven. Her idol, who was famous and at the height of his career and had only existed in Zhou Zeyu's dreams, reached out to her with a smile and pulled her up from the ground.
The kindness shown in times of need is often the most memorable, and Cen Zheng was always different from others in her eyes.
In the days that followed, Zhou Zeyu received kindness from many people, whether genuine or feigned, but it was always based on her success and her reputation as a genius girl. It was because she could bring victory and always bring great value that she received that kindness.
But Cen Zheng was different. Her kindness towards him was never mixed with any consideration or shrewd calculation. She gave all her kindness to that small-town youth with a bleak future and self-pity, not to the later star Zhou Zeyu.
Zhou Zeyi had certainly tried to salvage the relationship. She knew it wasn't beyond saving; there was clearly still a chance to salvage it.
But she failed.
Why, why is this happening...?
Suddenly, a hand gently landed on her shoulder, and Zhou Zeyu finally came to her senses. She blinked, and Fang Xiaocan's worried face appeared before her eyes.
"Lost in thought again? If you can't figure it out, then don't think about it. You're not a mind reader, how would you know what she's thinking?"
Zhou Zeyu knew she was right, but sometimes people simply can't control their thoughts and feelings.
“I still don’t understand, I’ve never understood,” she frowned in frustration and habitually rubbed her hair. “For so many years I’ve wanted to know why, but I just can’t get the answer.”
Fang Xiaocan looked at her, then suddenly shook her head gently and said in a tone of emotion.
"Okay, actually I was also wondering at first why she was so nice to you. Among all of us, she was the only one who was nice to you."
As she spoke, Fang Xiaocan let out a sigh of relief, changed her position, and lay relaxed on Zhou Zeyu's lap, staring blankly at the ceiling, as if she too was lost in a long-forgotten memory.
"Sigh, to be honest, I'm a little embarrassed to say this. At first, I was quite jealous of you. I didn't know what was so special about you that made our top sister so infatuated with you and so eager to please you."
Zhou Zeyi laughed, "I didn't know you'd ever thought that way."
Fang Xiaocan shrugged. "At the beginning, we didn't know anything. Think about it, who was Cen Zheng back then, and who were we? Who could have known that she would treat you so kindly?"
Indeed, Zhou Zeyu nodded silently, unsure of what to say.
Seemingly sensing her low spirits, Fang Xiaocan didn't continue speaking. She gently patted her shoulder and said, "What's past is past. Don't think about it so much. You always overthink things and end up getting yourself into a mess."
Zhou Zeyu gave a wry smile, "We've known each other for so many years, don't you know my temper?"
"So, I can't persuade you otherwise, so whatever." Fang Xiaocan sighed heavily, covered her mouth, and yawned. "You're so stubborn."
Zhou Zeyu rolled her eyes without any attempt to hide it. There are many people in this world who can say she's stubborn, but Fang Xiaocan is definitely not qualified. Coach Xu once said with great heartache that there are no two donkeys more stubborn than the two of them in the world.
"Sigh, Coach Huang spent so much time brainwashing you today, what were you thinking?" She looked at Fang Xiaocan, who was using her lap as a pillow and still looked completely at ease, and poked her head in annoyance.
Zhou Zeyu knew Fang Xiaocan's temper and that she was the kind of person who wasn't easily influenced by others. Even if the sports minister came to persuade her today, she would probably still stick to her own ideas. So asking her this question was pointless. Just as Zhou Zeyu was annoyed and was about to change the subject, Fang Xiaocan suddenly spoke up.
"Zhou Zeyi, what do you think this means?"
This was a bit cryptic and left people scratching their heads. Zhou Zeyu thought for a long time but still couldn't figure out what she meant. "What do you mean, 'Does it mean anything'?"
To Zhou Zeyi's surprise, Fang Xiaocan did not answer her directly, nor did she express her thoughts on Coach Huang's words. She closed her eyes and yawned again.
However, when Zhou Zeyu opened his eyes again, he was surprised to find that there were tears in her eyes, flickering in the dim light. Fang Xiaocan did not try to hide them, and the next second, a tear fell down.
Zhou Zeyu was stunned by the cool and wet touch on his thigh, and stood frozen in place.
Has Fang Xiaocan ever cried in front of her?
Never.
As a typical northerner, Fang Xiaocan always seemed to be excessively strong, like the cold, dry air of Northeast China. Her temper was hard to describe as good, but she never showed even the slightest bit of vulnerability in front of others.
Sometimes, even when she lost a game, was scolded by the coach, or was suppressed by unreasonable discipline, Fang Xiaocan never cried, no matter how painful the situation was. She seemed to always be accustomed to embracing other people's tears, and habitually handed Zhou Zeyu a tissue when she covered her face and cried. But she herself had always lacked the ability to cry.
Why? Zhou Zeyu once asked her.
"There's no reason why, I just won't do it," she said matter-of-factly.
Fang Xiaocan didn't say it, but Zhou Zeyu knew that becoming an oyster also came at a price.
But why is someone who has always been so good at pretending to be strong, who has almost fooled the whole world, even her own people, now shedding tears?
An indescribable emotion filled the silent air. After an unknown amount of time, long enough for the tear to seem to have evaporated silently, Fang Xiaocan finally spoke.
Her voice was calm, almost devoid of any distinct emotion—no sadness, no anger, and none of her previous self-destructive tendencies. It seemed as if she was simply bewildered by everything, so bewildered that she didn't even know how to respond.
"Tell me, what's the point of all these years?"
mean?
Zhou Zeyu understood what she meant. The two of them had similar paths, going from small towns to the capital step by step, enduring too many setbacks and hardships along the way, but in the end, it all seemed meaningless.
Zhou Zeyu closed his eyes and slowly exhaled.
She didn't say anything more.
The two remained silent.
The sound of nurses' footsteps echoed down the corridor from time to time, accompanied by the screeching of metal trolleys on the tiles. Inside the ward, unidentified instruments hummed intermittently. Striped hospital gowns, smoke detectors, and the IV catheter on Fang Xiaocan's wrist—all these elements combined to form a world at that moment.
A world invaded by outsiders is a world that cannot open its heart.
So the unspoken words could only remain unsaid. Fang Xiaocan sighed, got up, returned to her hospital bed, and forced a stiff smile at her.
"It's nothing, go to sleep."
The bedside lamp went out, and with the rustling of clothes, the room became completely quiet. Just as Zhou Zeyu's eyes were adjusting to the darkness, she heard her speak again.
"Zhou Zeyi, after all these years, I finally understand you completely. Some things are really unavoidable."
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