Chapter 38
The turmoil caused by Zhang Dashan gradually subsided, and Xu Nianlei carefully kept the money as part of her tuition savings for the next semester. She accepted Lu Baiyan's explanation, viewing it as a stranger's kind investment rather than a heavy burden from her parents. This shift in perception greatly reduced her sense of humiliation, allowing her to focus more on her current life and studies.
The literary society became her new spiritual sustenance. She began to try writing more diverse pieces, no longer confined to the darkness of her heart. She also began to depict the changes of the old locust tree outside her window throughout the seasons, record the moving melodies she happened to hear in music class, and even wrote a heartwarming little story about the friendship between Li Yue and Zhang Xiao. Her writing remained delicate, but it gradually took on a touch of the warmth of life.
Lu Baiyan remained his silent and excellent deskmate, but the unspoken understanding between them deepened with each passing of notes and their quiet support in crucial moments. Xu Nianlei was no longer as flustered as she had been at first when he approached her; instead, she would secretly observe his focused profile as he looked down at his book, feeling a complex mix of reassurance and excitement that she herself couldn't fully comprehend.
However, Lu Baiyan did not succumb to this brief peace. Zhang Dashan's appearance was like a thorn, reminding him of the complexity of Xu Jianguo's past and making him realize that merely solving the immediate economic and school bullying issues was far from enough. Xu Nianlei's deep-seated trauma—the inferiority complex, sensitivity, and fear of intimacy stemming from her family of origin—was the real ailment that needed healing.
He needs more professional help.
One Saturday afternoon, Lu Baiyan, under the pretext of attending a city-wide physics competition training camp, boarded a long-distance bus alone to a neighboring city. His destination was not the competition venue, but the psychological counseling center of the neighboring city's Normal University. He had done his homework beforehand and knew that there was a Professor Li there who specialized in adolescent psychology and family trauma, and was quite prestigious in the field.
He couldn't bring Xu Nianlei directly; that would expose everything and offend her. He had to come and "learn from her" first.
The counseling center was quiet and welcoming. Professor Li was a gentle, wise-looking middle-aged woman. She showed little surprise at the unusually mature and composed young man who claimed to be seeking counseling for a friend facing family difficulties.
Lu Baiyan concealed the cycle and his specific identity, but clearly described the predicament of his "friend": his father was an alcoholic and abusive, his mother was controlling and emotionally unstable, and he lived in a state of constant quarrels and repression, which led to his inferiority complex, sensitivity, and closed-off personality, while at the same time he longed to be recognized and loved.
"...She's doing a bit better now than before. She's made friends at school and found something she's good at. But I can sense that her insecurity and fear of relationships are still very deep." Lu Baiyan's narration was objective and his tone was calm, but the deep-seated worry in his eyes did not escape Professor Li's notice.
Professor Li listened patiently, occasionally asking guiding questions. After listening, she pondered for a moment and slowly said, "The situation you described is very typical of adolescent mental health issues. Trauma from the family of origin often takes a long time to heal. External support and affirmation are very important, just like what you are doing, helping her build self-confidence and find a sense of value."
She looked at Lu Baiyan with admiration and a hint of inquiry in her eyes: "However, true healing ultimately requires strength from within her. What you need to do is continue to provide stable support and unconditional acceptance, so that she feels that no matter what she is like, she deserves to be loved and respected. At the same time, you need to encourage her to express her emotions, whether it is anger, sadness or fear, and allow them to exist, rather than suppressing them."
“Most importantly,” Professor Li emphasized, “we need to help her develop an awareness of ‘separation of tasks.’ Let her understand that her parents’ mistakes are their own tasks, and she doesn’t need to be responsible for them or be held hostage by their fate. Her life belongs only to herself.”
The project is separate from her responsibilities. She is solely responsible for it.
These keywords, like a sudden awakening, instantly illuminated some vague areas in Lu Baiyan's mind. He had always tried to protect her and help her, but he had never realized so clearly that the ultimate goal was to enable her to psychologically sever ties with that terrible family of origin and truly possess an independent personality and life.
"I understand, thank you, Professor Li," Lu Baiyan said solemnly.
Leaving the consultation center and walking on the unfamiliar streets of the neighboring city, Lu Baiyan felt his thoughts were clearer than ever before. His previous efforts were in the right direction, but not deep enough. He needed to subtly integrate Professor Li's ideas into every interaction with Xu Nianlei.
After returning to the county town, Lu Baiyan began to consciously put what he had learned into practice in the details of his daily life.
When Xu Nianlei showed frustration because of a poor quiz result, he wouldn't simply encourage her with "Try harder next time" as he used to. Instead, he would say, "This chapter is indeed a bit difficult; I spent quite a bit of time on it myself. The important thing is to find the problem. Do you need me to take a look?"—normalizing failure and providing specific support.
When she struggled to express herself due to nervousness during her sharing session at the literary society, he wouldn't rush to help her out. Instead, he would patiently wait, offering an encouraging look or a slight nod during her pauses to signal her to continue—giving her the space and courage to express herself.
He even started "casually" discussing books or movies about personality, family, and life with her, sharing some (selected and processed) simple views on "separation of tasks" and "self-worth," never preaching directly, but rather letting these ideas quietly enter her field of vision like sowing seeds.
Xu Nianlei didn't immediately notice these subtle changes. But she did feel that the invisible pressure she felt when she was with Lu Baiyan had lessened. He was no longer always the "savior" she needed to look up to and be grateful to, but more like... a friend with whom she could communicate on equal terms, and even occasionally let her relax...?
She couldn't quite describe the feeling. But when she was by his side, her heart, which was always in turmoil, seemed to settle down a little.
One evening during self-study, the classroom was quiet. Xu Nianlei was deep in thought, pondering a complex math problem, while Lu Boyan was reading a thick English novel beside her.
Suddenly, he closed the book and spoke in a very soft voice, as if talking to himself, yet also as if speaking specifically to her:
"Sometimes I feel that people are like seeds. They fall into different soils, some fertile, some barren. But how tall they grow and what kind of flowers they bloom ultimately depends more on how the seed itself wants to grow."
Xu Nianlei's hand holding the pen paused. She looked up at him.
Lu Baiyan didn't look at her. His gaze was fixed on the dark night sky outside the window. His profile looked gentle and calm under the lamp: "The wind and rain outside, the barren soil, may make growth difficult, but they cannot determine the final form of the flower."
His words were subtle, even somewhat disjointed. But Xu Nianlei understood. She thought of herself, of that suffocating home, of that dark past… she also thought of the glimmer of light she had recently found in the literary society, of Li Yue and Zhang Xiao's smiling faces, and of the boy before her who had repeatedly pulled her out of the mire…
Seeds...flowers...
She lowered her head, looking at the dense formulas on the draft paper, and something seemed to gently touch a part of her heart.
Yes, we can't choose the soil, but perhaps we can choose how we grow.
She didn't speak, but simply picked up her pen again, took a deep breath, and plunged back into the difficult problem. This time, the pen seemed more determined than before.
Lu Baiyan noticed her subtle changes out of the corner of his eye, a warm feeling welling up inside him. He knew that instilling these ideas would take time, but he had enough patience.
Leilei, can you hear me? You are a unique seed, possessing the strength to grow towards the sun no matter what kind of soil you fall into. And I will clear away the pebbles for you, bring in the clear spring, and patiently wait for you to break through the soil and bloom with your own unique light.
In the dark room, the faint light, though weak, had quietly been lit and was slowly but steadily dispelling the darkness that had lingered for years.
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