Chapter 469 I Can’t Figure It Out
These words fell lightly, but like a heavy hammer, they hit Ji Linshen's heart hard.
Only today did he realize how serious Lu Shiman's illness was.
She wrapped herself up so well, tightly.
He thought he had peeled off her disguise layer by layer and saw the real her.
It turns out that was just the tip of the iceberg.
He is so useless. He has only glimpsed a little bit until now.
Lu Shiman didn't look away. A calm expression emerged on her face, as if she was stating a perfectly natural truth: "Seeing you happy, seeing the brothers relax, and seeing Jiaojiao smile, I feel...good."
"It's really good..." Her voice softened, with an almost reverent sense of satisfaction. "That feeling... is much more important and reassuring than just being happy myself."
She lowered her eyes slightly, hiding the indescribable emptiness deep in her eyes: "As for me, it doesn't matter."
Her tone was terrifyingly calm, with a numbness that went deep into her bones and a habitual neglect: "It really doesn't matter, it's not important..."
Even though she knew that she was Lu Shiman, everything she experienced in that world still caused her indelible harm.
"As long as you're all well, as long as you're happy, I'm fine with anything." Lu Shiman's eyes remained bright, but it was as if there was an invisible layer of glass, locking the real self deep inside: "This is my heart."
Ji Linshen's heart seemed to be gripped tightly by an ice-cold hand.
He finally saw clearly!
I saw clearly the distorted self hidden deep beneath that always bright and smiling face.
Her heart had long been forcibly shaped into a container that existed only to satisfy the needs of others.
Her sense of worth, her security, even her happiness, all depend on the reactions of others.
She minimized her feelings or even ignored them completely.
How many years of suppressed desire and self-sacrifice are hidden behind that light-hearted "It doesn't matter"?
Ji Lin couldn't understand, really couldn't understand why she was like this.
Although she had no love from her father or mother, her four brothers gave her all the love and pampering.
Why did she...
It will be so serious.
Feelings of heartache, anger, and a strong desire to protect swept over Ji Linshen in an instant.
He stretched out his hand and hugged Lu Shiman tightly in his arms again.
This time, it was no longer a gentle comfort, but a force that wanted to completely pull her out of that distorted self-awareness.
"Manman, you deserve to have your own happiness. You deserve to put your own feelings first. You deserve... to be loved unconditionally, instead of always putting yourself in a position where it doesn't matter."
Lu Shiman was almost unable to breathe because of his hug.
She didn't say anything, but just hugged him tighter and buried her face deeply in his warm neck, without refutation or agreement.
Ji Linshen didn't expect that he could shake her deeply rooted cognitive pattern with just a few words.
He has a long way to go.
But he still couldn't figure it out.
The night is as dark as ink.
The digital clock at the bedside, glowing with a faint blue light, silently displayed: 02:14.
All was silent.
The only sound was Lu Shiman's clear, even breathing, rising and falling rhythmically in the darkness.
Ji Linshen had no desire to sleep.
He turned sideways and stared quietly at the sleeping face of the person beside him.
The words "making others happy... is the voice in my heart" and "it doesn't matter to me..." were like poisonous vines, repeatedly entwining and tearing at his heart.
The intense heartache and confusion, and the feeling of being suffocated with nowhere to vent, almost burst his chest.
Ji Linshen even felt a suffocating pain.
Why?
The four brothers of the Lu family have held her in their hands since she was a child. Even though she didn't have the love of her father and mother, the love given to her by her four brothers was not a small amount.
How could she have such a deep-seated, almost pathological tendency towards self-deprecation and self-sacrifice?
The doubts kept growing like a snowball.
He couldn't lie down anymore.
He carefully lifted the quilt and got out of bed, then stood in front of the floor-to-ceiling window for a long time.
Must figure it out!
He opened the door noiselessly and walked out of the room.
The corridor is dim.
Ji Linshen hesitated for a moment, walked to Lu Yannan's door, and knocked lightly a few times with his fingers.
There was no response from inside.
Ji Linshen stood there for a while, then turned and walked towards Lu Jianheng's door. He knocked lightly as well, but there was still silence.
Only then did I remember that my third brother was working overtime at the company.
He decisively passed Lu Qiyun and walked straight to Lu Chixu's door.
After knocking twice, I heard a vague muttering from inside the door, followed by footsteps.
The door was flung open.
"Fuck! Lu Jianheng, why the hell are you still texting in the middle of the night..." Lu Chixu, with messy hair and a look of distress on his face, hugged him.
His eyes were half-closed and he was holding a slipper in his hand, obviously ready to smash the face of the troublemaker outside the door.
When Lu Chixu saw that the person standing at the door was not the unreliable Third Brother as he had expected, but Ji Linshen, the second half of the swear words stopped abruptly.
He had a confused expression on his face, which then turned into a strong impatience: "Ji Linshen? Why are you knocking on the door in the middle of the night? Are you sleepwalking?"
Ji Linshen stood in the dim light, there was no trace of joking on his face, and his eyes were full of solemnity and anxiety.
"Second brother." He lowered his voice very low: "I can't sleep, my heart is full of anxiety, I want to talk to you."
"What the hell!" Lu Chixu refused without a second thought. His sleepiness was disturbed, making him furious: "What's so important that we can't talk about it in the morning? Go back to sleep."
He said as he was about to close the door.
Ji Linshen's next words interrupted his action of closing the door: "It's about Manman."
He spoke very quickly: "She...is more seriously ill than any of us thought."
Seeing Lu Chixu's pupils tightening instantly, Ji Lin sighed deeply: "Her self has been distorted, second brother, I can't understand..."
Ji Linshen simply and clearly described the views expressed by Lu Shiman just now.
How to take other people's emotions as the only value standard, how to habitually belittle and ignore one's own feelings, and how to calmly say "it doesn't matter what happens to me."
Time seems to stand still at this moment.
In the dim light, the irritability and impatience on Lu Chixu's face disappeared instantly.
His body shook slightly, and the color drained from his face in an instant.
Lu Chixu could even hear the sound of his heart stopping and then being tightly gripped.
The severe pain of suffocation suddenly hit him, and his eyes, which were still sleepy just now, were now filled with shock and panic.
There was a few seconds of dead silence.
Lu Chixu suddenly came back to his senses.
Without saying a word, he moved aside to make way, but he stopped abruptly halfway through the movement.
No, it’s such a big deal, I have to wake up my brother.
He changed his mind immediately.
"Follow me." Lu Chixu's voice was dry and tense, and he strode towards Lu Yannan's bedroom door.
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com
