Chapter 40 Half a Heart
"There is nothing in the world that I cannot seize."
A long time ago, Li Siyan said this to me.
At that time, he had just usurped the throne and had not yet firmly sat on the throne. The Turks coveted the prosperity of the south, and taking advantage of the civil strife in the imperial capital, they crossed the border in large numbers and rode their horses straight to the imperial capital.
However, Li Siyan's usurpation of the throne was generally smooth and did not cause large-scale rebellion. The defense systems in various places were still functioning normally. The Turks were careless and underestimated the enemy. The cavalry failed to achieve success. Not only did they fail to capture Cao Valley, but they also captured a noble leader for nothing. Li Siyan used this hostage to extort a huge sum of money from the tribe.
When we were seeing the envoys off from Chang'an, he lazily told me that an important hostage could be exchanged for fine cattle and horses, and several alliances could shake the already loose tribal alliances on the grassland, but if we wanted more things, such as land, gold and silver, the Sixteen Prefectures of Yanyun, and long-term peace on the northern border, we had to rob them openly.
Li Siyan grew up in the resource-poor Ye Court, and he understood how to snatch things from others, whether through coercion, inducement, or cunning and plunder. In his view, reputation and posture were empty; only what was firmly held in one's hands was the most solid. As long as the method was effective, it didn't matter whether the means were despicable or not.
So, when he showed his true ability to deal with me, I realized that all the trouble I had caused in the palace in the past was just due to his indulgence.
Perhaps because he didn't want to see Meng Xu and I crying together, he didn't punish Meng Xu in front of me. Instead, he sent him to Furong Garden to feed kites and horses and do the lowest physical work.
He said to me calmly, "You've only seen the bustle of the daytime hunting at Hibiscus Garden, but haven't experienced the cold wind at night or the wild wolves on the plains. Do you think it will take Meng Xu, after I send him there, until he can no longer bear the days of wallowing in the mud and kneels at my feet, begging me to let him go?"
I was locked in the deepest cell of the Censorate Prison, my eyes were blank and my face was as pale as a deathly person.
"The third wife of the Minister of Revenue is truly devoted to him. As soon as I gave the order, she immediately chased after the prisoner's carriage. True love is revealed in times of adversity."
"Why are you not talking?"
Li Siyan straightened my face and rubbed my cheeks, as if trying to make my face more red, but ended up covering my hands with fine powder.
I turned my face away, and the gold piping on my wedding dress reflected tiny lights in the candlelight.
The large sleeves were decorated with orchid patterns, and the petals trembled slightly with my body.
He looked at my wedding dress carefully with a sinister look, as if he suddenly realized that my beautiful dress today was all for another man.
With a ripped sound, the orchid Shushu had painstakingly embroidered for two months was torn apart. I shuddered, clutching my clothes tightly, and cried out in horror, "Get out! Get out!"
Seeing him ripping my belt again, I was horrified and slapped his hands, breaking down and crying, "Don't do it here, I don't want to!"
Li Siyan turned a deaf ear to me and forced me into a corner. He peeled off my wedding dress like peeling a heartbroken garlic, revealing the white undershirt underneath. I was cold and scared, hugging myself and crying loudly, crying, "You ungrateful bastard! I saved you twice, and this is how you repay me. You are not a human..."
"Shut up." He shouted coldly.
I cried so hard that I almost fainted, my head and face were covered with tears. I had never felt so desperate in my life. He was the guillotine hanging over my head, and now it was about to chop it down and smash my pitiful dignity and pride to pieces. Apart from crying, I was powerless to stop it.
Amid my desperate cries, he ordered the jailer to bring a basin of clean water. He grabbed my collar and dragged me to the wooden basin, angrily saying, "Wash these scribbled characters off your face."
To me, these words meant "clean yourself up and serve yourself."
Seeing that I was still crying, Li Siyan was so annoyed that he looked like he was going to blow the prison ceiling off at any moment. He pinched my chin and forced me to lift my face up. He used the torn wedding dress fabric dipped in cold water to roughly wipe off my makeup.
After wiping off the last trace of lead powder, he threw the rag into the basin, took off his outer robe, and covered me with it.
I wrapped my clothes tremblingly. The outer robe still had body temperature, and although it was warm, it made me feel extremely scared.
The owner of the outer robe seemed to be trying hard to suppress his anger as he paced back and forth in the prison.
I looked at him through the gap in his clothes, as if I were looking at a crazy demon.
Suddenly, as if he suddenly remembered something, he turned around and said to me: "You..."
The moment he turned around, I was so scared that my neck shrank and I hid back in my clothes.
He caught my rare timidity and fear, and as if burned by this look, he was so angry that he almost smoked: "Will I have sex with you here? What do you think I am? A wild dog in heat?"
I really thought so, but I didn't dare say a word. I could only bite my lips and shake my head desperately.
He was extremely disappointed, pointed at me and sneered, "Okay, okay, since you really think I'm such a devil, then there's no need for me to show mercy to you!"
I silently moved to the corner and stammered, "What do you want to do?"
Li Siyan looked at me jokingly, said nothing, and walked away.
The iron door slammed shut, and I sat alone in the mess, shivering.
It's so scary.
I was frightened and crying, and the wound on my shoulder was still wet. After all that, I developed a high fever that night and was dying in this dark cell. When I opened my eyes, I saw several little people dancing hand in hand in front of me. As soon as I closed my eyes, the little people stopped dancing and instead stretched out their little hands to hit my head hard.
My inner garment was wet and stuck to my body, and I was so cold that my teeth were chattering. Li Siyan's outer robe was not warm at all, and I put it on, but I was still freezing.
Late at night, the guards at the gate noticed something was wrong with me and quickly reported it to the palace. Not long after, my old friend, Doctor Fan, arrived in a hurry, medicine chest in hand. Seeing my condition, he was horrified and said anxiously, "She's still seriously injured and weak. If she stays here any longer, she'll die!"
The guard was startled. Seeing that I looked indeed haggard, he hurried back to the palace to reply. I meowed like a kitten, "Lord Fan..."
Doctor Fan fed me a tranquilizer pill and sighed continuously.
He still didn't know why I was here and what had happened. He just subconsciously thought that I might have provoked someone I shouldn't have provoked again. He didn't dare to persuade me, so he just sighed.
I sobbed and said, "Master Fan, please don't treat me anymore. Just let me die of illness."
Doctor Fan was stunned: "What are you talking about?"
I mumbled, "...If I commit suicide, Li Siyan won't let my family go, nor will he let Meng Xu go...But what if I die of illness? Then I can die peacefully, alone, without bringing trouble to them, and I can also preserve my innocence..."
Life is worse than death. Yes, these four words are all on my mind now.
I curled up into a ball and began to hiccup. Doctor Fan's voice was tired. He said, "I understand. You're a historian and you want to go on with a clean slate. But our family of imperial physicians has an ancestral motto of healing the world. How can we just sit there and let you suffer? Not only is His Majesty unlikely to agree, but even if he truly wanted to, as a doctor, I'd feel bad."
As he spoke, he told the medicine boy to prepare medicine. The thin needle pierced my acupoint, causing a slight pain.
Before his medicine was even ready, Li Siyan pushed the door open and walked in. Seeing him now was like seeing my worst nightmare. I squirmed and shrank back. Doctor Fan quickly held me down: "...Don't shake the needle off!"
Li Siyan's expression was still very gloomy.
I forced my eyes open and saw that he seemed to be holding something in his hand. Looking closely, I saw that it was a brand new jacquard quilt, a pattern from the palace that I had seen on Wei Wan'er's couch.
He threw the quilt over my back and said to Doctor Fan, "Get out."
Seeing that the emperor was in a very bad mood, Doctor Fan did not dare to say much and left with a nod.
I was very sick, my face flushed abnormally. Li Siyan looked at me intently for a while and said coldly, "Well, have you thought it through?"
“…What?” I asked.
"The old woman from the Meng family knocked on your door, leaning on her cane." He gently brushed aside my sweat-soaked bangs. "The whole Shengyefang neighborhood came to see your family's joke... Your niece was imprisoned by the Censorate and never came out again, and your only son was expelled from the Imperial College. How do you think your aunt feels now?"
He said, "Although we are family, there are still some who are close and some who are distant. You ruined your brother's future. Does she hold a grudge against you?"
"I said I'd break your pride, and I have plenty of ways to do it." His fingertips gently brushed the corner of my lips: "Chen Ying, as long as you still care about something, there's no way you can escape from my palm."
I just don't understand what Li Siyan is planning. He wants me to be abandoned by everyone and alone like him, so that I can only rely on him to survive and be his loyal pet.
"Please let me go." I said weakly, "I won't marry anyone again. When Xiaochuan grows up, I will go to Mount Zhongnan to become a monk. I..."
Two slender fingers fell on my lips, and Li Siyan said lightly: "It seems that you are still hoping for luck."
He said, "I don't like to bargain with others."
I burst into tears: "Please..."
Li Siyan patted my cheek, smiled at me and said, "Do you miss your brother? I'll take you to see him."
But I would rather never see Xiaochuan in my life than let him come to this dark place and see his always proud sister in the most miserable state.
He was escorted into the cell by two guards. When he saw me, his eyes turned slightly red. With the emperor beside him, he didn't dare cry. He could only kneel beside me and look at me with a pair of eyes that were very similar to my second uncle's.
I managed to sit up and reached out to stroke his head: "Don't be sad, I'm fine."
Even I felt sad when I said this. Nothing? I was clearly in a terrible situation. Apart from Meng Xu, no one could be more miserable than me.
I asked him, "How is my aunt?"
Xiaochuan said: "Mother, everything is fine."
I certainly don’t believe it.
Xiaochuan is young and his expression is clearly visible on his face. Seeing him so sad, I knew that the Shen and Meng families must have been feeling as miserable as if they were being roasted on a fire since yesterday.
At that moment, I thought about compromising. It would just be a broken body, wouldn't it? I could just give it to Li Siyan. At worst, I'd be scolded by my ancestors a hundred years from now, but that was better than having countless innocent people implicated by me.
But... I still can't accept it.
Li Siyan crossed his arms and looked at us, my sister and I, coldly.
After a while, he slowly walked over, with the corners of his mouth raised, and said to Xiaochuan gently: "Chenchuan, right? How old are you this year?"
Xiaochuan said: "Thirteen."
Li Siyan praised: "A thirteen-year-old scholar is considered a young talent. The Shen family is indeed a family with a long history of learning, and their sons and nephews are promising."
Xiaochuan responded confusedly, and Li Siyan smiled without any emotion.
I saw him reveal that animal-like, ruthless and cold look again, and I panicked immediately. I propped myself up and said in a hoarse voice: "Don't attack Xiaochuan, Li Siyan, he's still young..."
Li Siyan took Xiaochuan's hand affectionately and said, "You think too badly of me. Why would I attack him?"
I think he has a good chemistry with me and would like him to study with the great scholar who recently opened a forum in Chang'an. If he passes the imperial examination, I will give him the best position."
"By the way, Miss Guan from the Imperial College's chief academic officer's family is smart, well-educated, and a perfect match for Shen Chuan. Perhaps I can even help them become a good match and create a beautiful story."
He was clearly speaking to Ogawa, but his eyes were fixed on me, not missing any of the slightest changes in my behavior.
I bit my lip and tried to straighten my back, but my vision dimmed little by little.
He was right. My family, who depend on me for everything, is my last weakness.
I remember that when Xiaochuan was born, my aunt had a difficult delivery. My mother was still alive at that time. She and my father ran a long way to consult a gynecologist. I stayed at home with my grandmother and brother to look after the house. I saw my second uncle pacing back and forth outside the door, and my aunt's painful voice floated out intermittently from inside the door.
I was so frightened I was at my wit's end. I asked my grandmother if the birth of a child was a terrible thing. My aunt was already in so much pain, why did she still insist on having a child? Was it just to continue the family line?
My grandmother, who was still alive at that time, gently touched my head and comforted me softly, saying that it might be like this in other families, but children in our family were not born into this world to pass on this insignificant family line.
Having a child is a mother's fate, but many people give birth to children just to have more hope. Life is short, and if no one cares about you and you have no blood relatives to care about, how lonely it would be to live alone in the world.
After experiencing many separations and deaths, I increasingly feel that what my grandmother said makes sense. Good family affection can heal a person's life. Even in the most difficult times, there are people who care about them. Sometimes it is this kind of care that can support people to raise their heads in the abyss and keep going.
So, I can lose everything, my life, my self-esteem, my love, but the only thing I cannot accept is losing my loved ones.
A tear fell on the thick quilt.
Drop after drop.
Like a late spring rain, it buries the withered flowers in the dust and mud, and a faint fragrance emanates from the soil, which is the smell of decay in spring.
I whispered, "Li Siyan, I..."
"Sister! I don't want any of this! Don't agree to him!"
The clear young voice cut through the stagnant air.
My words caught in my throat.
Xiao Chuan suddenly shook off Li Siyan's hand and yelled, "Whoever wants these gifts can go. We in the Shen family have always only exchanged knowledge for things. I, Shen Chuan, don't want the glory that was gained by selling my sister!"
Xiaochuan has always been gentle, but at this moment even the veins on his neck jumped out. He was as angry as a calf, and his expression was exactly the same as mine when I scolded the emperor in the Xuanzheng Hall.
"Ogawa..." I widened my eyes.
"Sister, don't compromise for me," Xiaochuan said, "If my father knew, he would come to me in my dreams and scold me."
The young man's frail figure blocked my way. He turned to Li Siyan, stiffening his neck and cursing, "You're just threatening my sister with my life, aren't you? Fine, just kill us like you killed my father. Don't be like a despicable rat and use all sorts of tricks to threaten a girl!"
Li Siyan was not angry at being scolded by a 13-year-old boy. Rather, he had expected this situation.
After all, he knows better than anyone what kind of people our Shen family is.
He looked at me calmly and said, "Your brother is not very sensible."
He took Xiaochuan's right hand again, examined it carefully, and said softly, "You two siblings have very similar hands. You both hold pens, and you have thick calluses on your knuckles."
Xiaochuan was young after all, and his momentum was no match for Li Siyan, who was in a higher position. Although he struggled hard, the latter's grip was extremely strong, like an iron clamp, and he could not break free at all.
Li Siyan spoke excitedly, his voice like a venomous snake crawling across my skin: "...When I was in the imperial palace, the boy who shared the same room with me had an ancestor who was a doctor. I was able to survive so many beatings, and it was his help that was indispensable."
"He said that if you crush a person's finger bones with just the right amount of force, the injury won't be visible from the outside, but the person will never be able to lift heavy objects, hold a bow or a horse, or...write again."
As he uttered the last word, there was a slight click and a scream from Ogawa that made my eyes water.
"Ogawa!" I screamed too.
I almost pounced on him immediately and pulled his hand tremblingly, but it was too late. Ogawa's little finger bone was broken at a strange angle and hung limply.
My eyes were bloodshot—his broken fingers clearly showed that we had no control over our fate.
"Sister, it's okay." Xiaochuan was sweating profusely from the pain, but he still refused to let go: "Let him break all ten of my fingers, don't sell yourself for me..."
I looked up at Li Siyan, and his whole body exuded a deep hatred that could almost peel off his flesh.
Li Siyan felt somewhat pleased when I looked at him like this. He said softly, "Don't worry, he is your brother. I won't cripple all ten of his fingers. At most, I will make sure he can no longer write."
Ogawa has been learning calligraphy since he was young, and his regular script in the Yu style is smooth and harmonious. So crippling his writing hand is no different from crippling anyone else's.
I said seriously, "Li Siyan, you will be punished."
"Haven't I already suffered retribution from you?" Li Siyan stretched out the hand that had just crushed Xiaochuan's bones and gently stroked my rosy cheek: "Don't even call it retribution. Even if I have to go to hell, I will definitely take you with me."
He was no longer the emperor who pretended to be calm and high above everyone else. In the stone prison thirty feet above the ground, all the darkness and extremes in Li Siyan's blood and bones were released. He was like a wildfire that burned everything in the wilderness. He didn't care about anything except wanting what he wanted.
Xiaochuan had been reading Confucius and Mencius since he was little, so how could he have ever seen an emperor acting like a mad dog? For a moment, he even forgot his pain and looked extremely frightened.
The mad dog stared at me straight, with extreme longing in his eyes. He was the mad dog, and I was the sweetest piece of meat, so maybe I had no choice from the beginning.
Thinking of this, my shoulders drooped.
Since entering the prison, I have been holding on for about a day and a night, but now I am finally at the end of my strength and can't hold on any longer.
First it was Meng Xu, then Xiaochuan, and he used everyone around me to threaten me. The next one was my aunt. I knew that there were hundreds of cruel punishments in the Censorate Prison that were painful but not fatal. He would use these things on my aunt one by one until I gave in.
Anyway, the ending is already decided, so what's the point of me holding on?
I turned around and took a last look at Ogawa.
Then, she slowly put her face against Li Siyan's chest, stretched out her hands, and like a bunch of dodder, wrapped them around his waist. After a pause, she gently rubbed the hollow of his waist.
Li Siyan's muscles suddenly stiffened and he began to tremble almost imperceptibly.
I said, "Li Siyan, take me back to Zichen Palace. I'm yours."
Before Li Siyan could react, Xiaochuan collapsed first. The half-grown boy shouted with red eyes. I didn’t listen carefully, but he just said something like asking me not to sacrifice for him, and that he wouldn’t be willing to do so.
"Xiaochuan, I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for my aunt."
I laughed through my tears.
Ogawa was stunned, stopped struggling, and stared at me blankly.
I snuggled in Li Siyan's arms and gently touched Xiaochuan's hair.
It was just like many years ago when my grandmother gently touched my head outside my aunt's delivery room.
The little baby in my memory has grown up, and I have grown up too, but looking back on the past, the scene I remember most clearly is not Xiaochuan’s fair and tender appearance when he was a child, but the weak and satisfied smile on my aunt’s face when she finally survived the brink of death and held her son.
At that time, she seemed to be holding the most precious treasure in the world.
On the second night after her husband's death, she wore mourning clothes as white as snow, lit a lamp and asked me, "In your hearts, are your family members not as important as the righteousness of the historian?"
Yes, but also no.
"As a descendant of the Shen family, you have such integrity. The elders would surely be pleased if they knew." I said, "...but your mother's last name isn't Shen, and she's not a stubborn historian. She's just a mother waiting for her child to come home and hoping for a good future. Xiaochuan, I can't bear to make her sad. Life isn't just about integrity, it's also about emotion and responsibility. She needs you. Go back and take care of her for me."
"Then what are you going to do?" Xiaochuan shouted, tears lingering in his voice. "Sister, are you going to be confined to the palace forever? Are you really willing to live a life of servility like this?"
I was silent for a moment, then said firmly, "I'm willing."
After saying that, he turned his face away: "...Let's go, Xiaochuan, take good care of your aunt. If you dare to make her unhappy, I will settle the score with you."
Li Siyan didn't move, letting me snuggle up to him. After a while, he stiffly raised his hand and placed it on my waist.
He seemed to be very uncomfortable with my closeness, as if he was afraid that he would break if he touched me, but he wanted to touch me so much. After a moment of hesitation, he suddenly remembered something and became nervous. He untied the dagger at his waist and threw it away to make sure that I would not have the chance to hurt myself again like last time.
"Chen Chuan, get out." His voice was like a dream.
Xiaochuan didn't want to leave, but he had no choice. The emperor gave an order, and two guards came in and carried him away. His shouts gradually faded away, and the cell returned to silence, leaving only Li Siyan's heavy breathing.
He said, "Say what you just said again."
"I asked Xiaochuan to take care of my aunt on my behalf."
"The previous sentence."
"I belong to you. Please take me back to Zichen Palace."
He was quiet for a long time. I maintained my dependent posture, nestled in his chest, listening to his chaotic and intense heartbeat. I thought, he must really like me.
"...You said that from now on, I am the only one for you and you will never leave me."
After a long while, he managed to utter a few words, the content of which was very childish.
I said honestly, "You are my only man from now on. Unless you hate me, I will never leave you."
He still refused to believe it and ordered me, "Swear an oath before your ancestors, a solemn oath."
Without even thinking, I said, "Ancestors, if Chen Ying leaves Li Siyan, she will be struck by lightning and die a miserable death."
His grip on me slowly tightened, squeezing me until my mind went blank. He lowered his head and whispered in my ear, "But you're not afraid of thunder or death. This oath can't bind you. Why not swear on your dead parents?"
I laughed out loud, and said coldly, "You're not worthy enough for me to swear on my parents. I've already said it, and you can believe it or not."
He is sensitive and suspicious, with a huge void in his heart. He has to throw countless sweet words into it to fill the insecurity that is ingrained in his bones.
"Okay," he said, lowering his eyes and looking at me intently, "Then prove it to me."
After saying that, he let me go.
I know what he wants me to prove. Men always feel that a woman's heart follows her body, and they only feel at ease when they have to occupy her.
I was already utterly exhausted from my illness, my consciousness sinking into the depths of the ocean. In the midst of this deepest despair, I felt a sense of relief, a sense of resignation. Wasn't all he wanted me to be obedient and stay by his side? My life was ruined anyway, a mere empty, walking corpse. If he insisted on using every possible means to occupy it, then so be it.
I should stop having such inappropriate self-esteem, I thought drowsily, reaching out to untie my hair and giving a devilish smile.
"Your Majesty told me to do the most unrestrained pose in the Fire Avoidance Atlas," I looked at him with misty eyes and said, "...I wonder if we're looking at the same Fire Avoidance Atlas."
"I vaguely remember it was like this..."
I murmured, standing on tiptoe to kiss his neck. The moment my lips touched my skin, I could feel his breath close to me, so hot, like a dragon breathing fire.
I was like a dragonfly with poor flying ability, landing in the water on Li Siyan's side without any plan. Fortunately, the latter didn't seem to have much experience either, and just stood there stupidly, like a pool of stagnant water.
I tried to please him emotionlessly and woodenly...but apart from his body getting hot and his heart beating faster, Li Siyan didn't show any other reaction.
I wondered, bewilderedly, if he clearly liked me, yet he held back, thinking I was too reserved? If he wasn't happy with me, would he break Xiaochuan's other fingers too?
I looked up at him, made up my mind, and knelt down.
"Why did you stop?" Li Siyan said in a hoarse voice, a little disappointed, "Is this your sincerity? Is it only this far?"
I raised my head and whispered, "There are other things. Try them. If you are satisfied, please don't embarrass my brother."
After saying this, he untied his hemp cloth jade belt with a click and closed his eyes as if ready to die.
He understood what I wanted to do almost instantly, and his face changed drastically. He no longer had the confused look he had just had. He pushed me away and looked at me in disbelief.
I was pushed to the ground, my head was spinning. As I was struggling to get up, I felt a familiar tightness in the front of my lapel. Li Siyan had grabbed my collar and lifted me up.
I opened my eyes and found that he was very close to me, with the tip of his nose almost touching mine. I could tell from his expression that he was angry again. His whole body was emitting raging anger and his eyes were full of hostility.
He approached me, anger, jealousy, panic...all kinds of emotions mixed on his face, making his handsome and evil face even more hideous.
"Who taught you all this? Meng Xu again? Chen Ying, don't you pride yourself on being pure and proud? Where did you learn this trick? Even the women in the music school are not so promiscuous!" He was as furious as if his mouth and nose were choked by thick smoke.
I laughed and said, "You don't like it, but didn't you say you wanted me to serve you to my heart's content? Just because of this, you've shattered my pride. Now is the time to enjoy the fruits of my labor, why are you backing off?"
"Answer me, where did you learn this method?" he shouted sternly.
I said calmly, "When I was little, I was naughty and accidentally dug out a treasure from my mother's deepest drawer. It was a unique copy, passed down from the previous dynasty. Naturally, it was much hotter and more exciting than the vulgar things you see today."
Li Siyan got a good deal. Although I have only eaten pork and never seen a pig run, I know as much about the specific posture of a pig running as the girls in the Music Bureau.
After hearing my answer, Li Siyan's anger subsided a little, and the strength in his hands loosened. I lowered my eyes and asked lifelessly, "...Do you want to continue?"
He was silent for a long time, and suddenly threw me onto the couch. I closed my eyes resignedly, ready to be killed.
──But the expected thing did not happen.
Li Siyan grabbed the quilt and roughly wrapped me up like a fat cocoon.
I glanced at his newly fastened belt, and my tendency to bring up irrelevant issues came back. I asked, "Aren't you uncomfortable?"
We both know exactly where it hurts.
His face twisted, as if he wanted to attack, but he held back in the end. He said in a muffled voice, "Suffering? Look at you now, you're sick as a ghost. Which man could bring himself to do that to you?"
It suddenly dawned on me that he thought I was too unlucky and that I was disgusting to him.
Okay, that's normal.
Even if there were no bronze mirror here, I could roughly imagine what I look like now, which would probably scare even the most impatient client to death.
He quickly wrapped me up into a strip, then held me horizontally against his chest.
"This is taking me somewhere."
"Go back to the palace, go back to Zichen Hall." He answered briefly.
I reminded him coldly, "Wait, let Doctor Fan treat my brother's hand first."
Li Siyan said irritably, "I didn't do anything too harsh. Just let it rest for two days."
Seeing the hatred in my eyes again, he paused and said, "Doctor Fan is not good at bone correction. I will ask Doctor Jiang to take a look at him."
He held me in his arms and strode out. I stared at the flickering torchlight on the stone wall and said, "Drop Meng Xu's charges and let him go home."
Li Siyan stopped and stared at me expressionlessly, as if trying to find some unforgettable attachment from my face.
I said frankly, "I've already sworn that I'll have nothing to do with him anymore. If you let him go, we'll be strangers from now on. If you don't let him go, I'll feel guilty about him for the rest of my life. Don't you want that?"
He narrowed his eyes and said softly, "I see that after you put aside your stubborn temper, your brain has become much more useful."
If I had heard such ridicule in the past, I would have been unhappy, but now my heart was dead, and there was only endless fatigue, like a stubborn bird that repeatedly hit the cliff and fell down, landing in the indigo stream, its wings stained with dirty water and unable to flap.
"He did nothing wrong. It was just bad luck that he ran into me." I said, "...and you too."
"Wouldn't it be nice to meet you?" Li Siyan sneered, "Meng Xu seems to be pampered, docile and well-mannered, but he's actually a rebellious person. It's his good fortune to meet you."
I looked at him without saying a word.
"He is indeed smart, so he has been placed with great expectations since he was a child. Under the close scrutiny and expectation, doesn't he want to escape? He wants to, but he doesn't dare. That's why he likes you. You are the happy bird that he places all these thoughts on. Only by looking at you and loving you can he feel he can breathe."
Li Siyan said in a ruthless tone, "How important do you think you are to him? He just needs a bird to sing for him. Even if it's not you, it will be someone else."
Yeah?
My eyes fell tiredly into the distance.
Li Siyan is right, Meng Xu has his reasons for loving me.
But what is love? Isn't it something that fills the void in your heart? Without it, it's like losing half your heart, so you hold on to it until you die, willingly waiting for it.
We are all well-read and knowledgeable literati, but we are still willing to enter the cocoon of love because we know that there is something we are missing here.
I said, "Meng Xu needs someone to breathe for him, but what about you? What are you lacking?"
Li Siyan was stunned. He seemed to have never thought about this question.
I stared at him, demanding an answer: "What are you missing? Why are you attracted to me?"
He paused for a long time before scribbling, "...I prefer raising fierce wild birds with clipped wings to listening to the chirping of domesticated orioles."
I was silent for a moment: "Li Siyan, you really are seriously ill."
He simply pulled the quilt over my head and face and said, "I am indeed ill."
He continued to speak to himself, "...I will release Meng Xu. Not only will I release him, but I will also give him a promotion as compensation. In the future, when he holds a high position, wealth, fame, and fortune will be easily at his fingertips. Even if he occasionally thinks of you, he may not be able to remember what you look like."
I didn't feel any emotion at all - I would rather Meng Xu forget about me completely than let him remember such a painful memory.
Brother Meng is a noble and trustworthy person, but now, the trust between us is not important. Whether he has forgotten me or not, it has nothing to do with me anymore.
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