Chapter 43: People are not as good as before
Li Siyan was mad at me the whole night because of my unintentional words "people are not as good as before". My scalp went numb when I saw his sinister eyes. I tried every possible way to coax him back to normal, but he didn't believe a word I said sweetly. He even asked me with a sneer if I had said the same thing to Meng Xu.
I was going crazy. I couldn't understand why a simple quote from ancient Chinese literature could make Li Siyan so angry.
Of course I didn’t care about his mood before, but ever since he broke Xiaochuan’s fingers, I have been left with a huge psychological shadow. I get scared when I see him angry, and subconsciously feel that he will vent his anger on my family again, so although I am extremely reluctant, I still try my best to coax him.
"I never said those words to him..." I explained for the seventeenth time, "If you don't believe me, go read the letter I wrote to him. If you can find a single inappropriate sentence, I'll kick your head like a ball."
"Besides, don't he and I have nothing to do with each other? I even sleep in the same bed with you. So, he should be the one who is jealous of you." I spoke more and more without thinking.
As soon as he finished speaking, Li Siyan, who had been giving a cold face the whole night, suddenly exploded. I saw a porcelain cup flying far into the air and breaking into pieces, which scared me to shiver.
"Does he have the right to be jealous of me?" Li Siyan said fiercely with a ferocious face, "Give him face! Such an ungrateful person, refusing to accept a toast but insisting on drinking the penalty wine, is just like you!"
Don't know what's good for you? Don't accept the toast and then drink the forfeit?
In this mess, I finally understood what Li Siyan meant.
I scratched my hair irritably and took a deep breath. "So you're angry because of Meng Xu? Not me?"
Seeing that he remained silent, I knew I was right and continued to guess, "Did he talk back to you?"
Li Siyan remained silent, his eyes gloomy, as if I owed him eight hundred taels of gold.
I leaned over and explained to him in a rambling manner, "...Meng Xu is just like that. Just ignore him. I'm in your hands anyway. Whatever he says can't shake you in the slightest. Your Majesty, please be magnanimous and let him go. He's already suffered enough..."
"This guy is really stubborn and insists on his own opinion. You can't force him. Just use some nice words to coax him to Jiangnan. If you don't want to say nice things, then provoking him will do, preferably with some sarcastic remarks..."
Li Siyan snorted coldly, "It's a pity that your brilliant plan can't be used. I broke his legs and ordered him to be put in the carriage for his appointment. He left the city at noon and should have reached the Eastern Capital by now."
I swallowed my long speech, almost hurting myself, and finally said something after a while: "You...you hit him again...and chased him away..."
"Of course," Li Siyan stretched out his hand and showed me the faint bruises on his joints.
I gasped.
I've had this injury before. It was on the joint. It was obviously because I hit the person too hard and the reaction was on my hand.
In other words, Li Siyan personally broke Meng Xu's leg.
I was completely stunned. I couldn't imagine what outrageous words Meng Xu had said that made the king so angry that he rolled up his sleeves and beat him up.
In a sense, these two people are quite a match. One is sharp-tongued and the other is ruthless. If it weren't for me, maybe they would have become a couple.
I wiped my face in despair: "...Why are you arguing with him...You are the emperor, he is just a small official, insignificant, why do you have to treat him so harshly..."
"What? Are you heartbroken?" He pinched my face, making my mouth into a funny trumpet shape. "Do you know what he said? He said that you and I were childhood sweethearts, and we swore an eternal vow. Our love is as strong as iron. I, a bully, can have your body, but I can never have your heart."
As he repeated these words, a strong resentment and hatred emanated from his body. Because of his anger and unwillingness, he was particularly aggressive, as if he wanted to eat me alive.
The dim candlelight illuminated a corner of the inner hall. He grabbed me and dragged me straight to the table. Before I could pretend to be pitiful and cry out in pain, Li Siyan had already let go of my hand, letting me stagger two steps and fall onto the soft cushion.
I knelt at his feet in confusion, not knowing what Li Siyan was up to. I could only look up and tug at his clothes, saying stiffly, "Your Majesty, Meng Xu is talking nonsense. There's no need to argue with him."
"Why can't I settle accounts with him?" Li Siyan squatted down, expressionless. "Since he's said so much, then of course I have to be a real bully. Humph, I'm already doing you a favor by sparing his worthless life. Are you still not satisfied?"
I was stared at by such a terrifying gaze, so how could I dare to say no?
He was still angry and grabbed my wrist, forcing me to pick up a stack of papers on the desk. Although it hurt a little, I didn't dare to say a word. I let him hold my hand and burn all the letters Meng Xu had written to me in the candlelight.
After I burned the last letter, his face turned from ashen to normal. Maybe he felt that only if I burned the past with my own hands could I stay by his side wholeheartedly.
He knew clearly that I would never take the initiative to hold his bloody hand, nor would I be able to give him the love and attention he wanted, so he could only use intimidation to tie me to his side. But even if he forced me to this point, he still felt insecure, and was always panicked and worried about gains and losses.
So my unintentional words would hurt him, and Meng Xu's casual and insignificant sarcasm would provoke him to disregard the king's face, lower his status, and look for trouble with an unarmed person.
The flames leaped and licked away the old letters. I watched them curl up, turn yellow, and finally turn into ashes and float on the precious ebony desk.
A spark jumped onto my fingertips, but before I could feel the pain, Li Siyan quickly wiped it away.
I whispered to him, "Where did you find these letters?"
I remember that I hid all these letters in my boudoir before I got married. He must have been in a bad mood, so after beating Meng Xu, he went to ransack my house.
Li Siyan said, "It was presented by my subordinates."
My intuition told me he was lying.
I wanted to ask a few more questions, but Li Siyan had already stood up and walked away. His steps were hurried and he looked a little uneasy.
But in front of me, he always tried his best to maintain a strong and controlling image.
Huiyue had left long ago, and there were only two of us left in the huge inner hall. After a quarrel, the palace fell into a deathly silence. I sat on the ground and dared not move. Li Siyan went to the ear room nearby and took something out.
"It's an ointment for burns," he said calmly. "Your hand is blistered. Didn't you notice?"
I really didn't notice it. It was only after he reminded me that I remembered to check the finger that had just been touched by the spark. Sure enough, there was a small red dot on the white and tender knuckle, which felt a bit hot and stinging when touched.
Li Siyan took the ointment, walked in front of me and squatted down. Halfway through, he suddenly stopped, put his legs together, and changed to an elegant and decent kneeling position.
I looked at him calmly, feeling a little strange.
He suddenly changed his sitting position. Was he afraid that I would think he was rude?
He took my hand, dipped some ointment on it, and applied it on my fingertips. He didn't let go of my hand, but continued to stroke my little paws, which had become extremely tender after I entered the palace, with a gloomy look on his face.
His kneading was gentle, but it still made me scared. After all, he looked very kind when he broke Xiaochuan's fingers.
"This is the hand of a scholar," Li Siyan said with a smile. "He's never done heavy work, nor has he ever held a needle and thread, so the palms and fingertips are soft, with calluses only on the knuckles."
His voice was like a venomous snake crawling across my skin. "...The deposed Crown Prince's hand is like this. Back then, he acted like a brother in front of the late Emperor, holding my hand and saying so many sweet words to me."
"But I, an ungrateful wretch, didn't listen to a single word he said. I just thought this brother's hands weren't even like mine, so how could we be considered family?"
Because he often did heavy physical work when he was young, and had to practice martial arts and hold the reins when he grew up, Li Siyan's palms were evenly covered with a thin layer of calluses, which were rougher than ours.
It was obviously just a tiny difference, but it was magnified several times by the sensitivity and inferiority in his character. Such a person can never truly trust others. He is a lone wolf, a lone wolf without any peers.
I continued, "Your Majesty, do you think that because my hands are different, I am not the same kind of person as Your Majesty?"
"Yes," the corners of his mouth curled up more and more, but there was no smile in his pair of cold star-like fox eyes, but rather an extremely gloomy look.
The art of writing requires the hard work of a child. If you miss the best years for enlightenment, it is missed. No matter how hard you try to catch up, it will be of no avail. Therefore, when he faced people like me and Meng Xu, who were children of the aristocracy and had received a good education since childhood, he always felt a secret inferiority complex, which made him unable to trust us.
He let go of my hand and said to me, "Every word you said tonight, about never leaving me, about praising my military and literary skills, sounds to me like the lies the deposed crown prince told me back then. It's so fake."
This guy is damn hard to fool.
He thinks I am like his hypocritical brother, and I think he is like the evil dragon described in the Western Regions novels: sensitive and suspicious, with scales all over his body, and always likes to snatch innocent princesses who have been shot by arrows.
I have no experience dealing with this kind of person. Reason won't make sense, and he won't believe my emotional appeals. With nothing else to do, I finally said dryly, "...Then I'll begin archery and horseback riding tomorrow, and strive to make my hands as good as your Majesty's."
To appease the dragon, start by meeting his small requests.
He looked at me without saying anything, as if he was weighing my sincerity at the moment.
I added, "If Your Majesty doesn't trust me, then why not teach me personally what to do? The only thing I can't do is that I'm pregnant and can't serve Your Majesty for the next few days."
He was silent for a long moment, then stood up and put the burn ointment back where it belonged. He said expressionlessly, "I've really invited a scumbag back. You said you wanted me to teach you how to do it, but when I actually sent a female instructor, you felt like I was humiliating you."
"I was wrong." I quickly admitted my mistake: "I won't do it again next time."
Li Siyan's face showed a mocking look. "I think you don't need to bother trying to please me. Your hypocritical attitude is really disgusting. Now that Meng Xu has taken office and your family has settled down, what else do you want from me?"
Yes, I was suddenly stunned, it seemed to be true... Meng Xu has left, and my family has settled down. What does it matter whether Li Siyan trusts me or not?
Judging from what he said recently, and the fact that the windows and doors of the Purple Palace are guarded so tightly that not even a fly can fly out, he has never expected me to truly obey him. So why should I try to please him?
It suddenly dawned on me.
Not wanting to say any more compliments, I sat quietly for a long while, then bowed and said, "Since Your Majesty is not willing to listen, then I will not bother Your Majesty anymore."
After saying that, I observed for a moment. Seeing that he had no objection, I carefully picked up the natural history book on the ground, chose a comfortable cushion, sat down and continued reading.
Li Siyan kept glancing at me sideways until I curled up in a quiet little ball in the corner and started reading quietly, then he slowly withdrew his gaze.
After standing in the hall for a while, he opened the door and asked Huiyue and the others to move all the memorials, writing materials, pens, ink, paper and inkstone from the imperial study to the bedroom and place them not far from me.
I didn't look up. Soon, I heard the sound of the night watchman and the rustling of papers.
I have read the natural history book in my hand many times and can recite most of the stories in it. The volume I am reading tells some strange stories about mountain spirits and water monsters. The stories are romantic and uplifting, which is a rare comfort in the dull palace.
I was becoming more and more engrossed in watching, when I suddenly heard Li Siyan calling my name: "Chen Ying."
I reluctantly put down the book and replied, "What is the matter, Your Majesty?"
He asked me, "What did you have for dinner?"
"Fish sashimi... minced meat porridge... steamed cakes... mixed okra..." I listed the names of the dishes in a vivid and emotional voice.
"Are you hungry now?"
I shook my head: "I'm not hungry."
Ever since I recovered from my illness, the specifications of my dinner have become more and more luxurious. Now it can even compete with Li Siyan's imperial meal. I suspect that Li Siyan may have pressured the imperial chef and issued some domineering demands like "If she doesn't eat well, you will be beheaded."
Li Siyan said, "But I'm hungry. Go make me something."
"Ah?" I opened my mouth wide: "But I can't cook..."
I wasn't lying to him. I really had never been in the kitchen. What rich family's young lady would spend every day in the smoke and fire studying the art of cooking? The best she could do was make some pastries.
Li Siyan calmly put down his pen and lowered his eyes. "Oh? Then why did I read your letter to Meng Xu, asking him to come to your house for snacks?"
He said it lightly, and I was confused - I couldn't even knead dough, so when had I ever made snacks for Meng Xu?
"Have you forgotten?" Li Siyan slowly took out a piece of paper from his arms.
I was confused and uncertain, so I took it and looked down at it - the paper was slightly yellowed and the handwriting on it was old. It said that Meng Xu should come to the Chen Mansion to eat the Hu Bing I made.
I just remembered this, but the truth is...
"This is a misunderstanding," I explained dejectedly. "I don't know how to cook. Shushu made the Hu pancakes. I was just responsible for sprinkling a handful of sesame seeds on top."
Li Siyan twitched his lips, revealing his first genuine smile of the day, and teased, "Oh, are you offering flowers to Buddha?"
It was really awkward and uncouth to take credit for the work of others. I had no way of saying anything and just lowered my head in agreement, staring at the crack in the ground beside me, praying that it would open up soon so I could crawl in and leave this miserable world.
After standing there for a while, I secretly raised my eyes and glanced in the direction of Li Siyan, and found that this guy was still smiling, his fox eyes narrowed into two arcs of joy.
Laugh, laugh, I thought to myself angrily, it’s better than the gloomy look before.
Li Siyan laughed enough, leaned back lazily, and leaned back in a comfortable and relaxed posture on a pile of soft pillows, throwing a book at me.
The book flew towards me in a perfect parabola. I caught it at a loss and turned to the cover. I saw three big words on it: Food Treasures Record.
"Your Majesty, do you want me to learn how to cook?" I was shocked. Isn't he afraid that I will poison him to death in a fit of rage?
Li Siyan nodded nonchalantly and threw me a copy of the Food Sutra. I held the two books in my hands, my eyes filled with despair, as if I had been assigned a large basket of homework by my teacher when I was a child.
"Meng Xu has never tasted your cooking, but I want to try it." Li Siyan said, "You have nothing to do all day long, always thinking about random things. I sent people here, but you think I have bad intentions. Now I ask you to cook some food to pass the time. It's not really an insult to you, is it?"
"Not really." I completely lost my temper and returned to my small desk. I flipped open the two cookbooks he gave me and started reading. I asked him, "What dishes does Your Majesty want me to cook?"
"Just make Hu pancakes," he said. Li Siyan seemed deeply concerned about Meng Xu and I's past. Almost self-torturing, he stayed up all night reading through all the letters we'd exchanged. He grabbed my hand and burned some of them, then tossed the rest into an ice container after reading them, leaving no trace of ink behind.
I clutched the two books and sat in the corner, not daring to breathe, for fear that he would be provoked again and come up with some new ways to torment me.
He tossed and turned until late at night. I was so sleepy that I didn't know what time it was. I kept nodding my head like a chicken pecking at rice, and I could hardly open my eyes. But Li Siyan was very energetic and even had the leisure to laugh at the ugly turtle I drew.
It can be seen that the person who can become the emperor can have a bad character, but he must be in good health.
After an unknown amount of time, the sky outside brightened and birds began to sing. Li Siyan finally finished reading the letters and destroyed them all.
When the last piece of paper fell into the water, my heart felt empty, as if I had lost my entire life so far.
No one can accurately remember everything that happened in the past. This is why humans need history. Without the records of letters, those distant memories seem to have suddenly faded. I understand Li Siyan's intention. He wants me to say goodbye to the past. Only in this way can he naturally have my future.
The young emperor walked towards me slowly. There was dust floating in the air, which made people feel like a layer of gauze was covering their eyes, dimly softening all the gloomy things and creating a hazy glow.
I tried hard to open my eyes and look at him. From staying up late, I had natural tears flowing down my cheeks.
He leaned down and hugged me, reaching out to wipe away my bitter tears, and said in a hoarse voice: "Forget about the past. From now on, I will just pretend that there is no such person as Meng Xu in this world."
I lay on Li Siyan's shoulder, my ear pressed against his hair. The new sunlight coming in from the window easily made people think of beautiful words like future and hope.
But after a moment of realization, I blinked and forced back my tears. I felt funny and ironic that he actually ordered a historian to abandon the past and only look at the future.
I am very afraid of people who only look forward to everything. Such people have no past and nothing behind them. They will just keep rolling like a water mill, moving forward relentlessly.
Li Siyan is such a person. He always tries to abandon his past and has never reconciled with his past.
Perhaps he hated himself from the bottom of his heart, which was why he wanted to escape from his memory.
I said to him, "If I said I could forget, I would be lying to Your Majesty. Brother Meng and I have a deep bond, how could I possibly forget so easily?"
Feeling the coldness emanating from Li Siyan, I continued, "But what does it matter whether I remember him or not? My future is in the hands of His Majesty. Even if I have some tender memories, it can't change the future, right?"
"As long as my family is in Your Majesty's hands, I cannot leave." I said, "Your Majesty, are you still worried with these two trump cards in your hands?"
He fell into a long silence.
The sound of the night watchman lingered softly in my ears, the ice melted quietly in the bronze vessel, everything was silent like a mystery, the enemy and the beloved embraced each other, and the air at this moment actually had a bit of timeless meaning.
After a long time, Li Siyan let me go, his expression gloomy. He said, "You are right. Why should I care who you have in your heart? You can't leave me anyway."
I nodded, happy that he could think it through.
He carried me to the couch, and combed his hair and washed his face, preparing for the court meeting.
I turned my head in a daze and saw that he was wearing the golden Twelve Chapters suit again. The belt that I had tied into a knot last night had been untied by Huiyue's skillful hands and tied into a beautiful knot by her.
Li Siyan, wearing a dragon robe, looks so noble, as if he was born to stand at the highest place. However, the higher you are, the lonelier you feel. Even if you are as lucky as Chang'e, she only has a little rabbit to accompany her.
I fell asleep hugging the quilt. Half asleep and half awake, I felt him walk to the bed, touch my hair with his hand, and whispered, "Don't forget to cook for me."
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