Chapter 70: Only the old smoke and moon remain
So, I gave birth to a baby in a very hasty manner.
The birth took most of my life. I closed my eyes and slept soundly on Li Siyan's dragon bed for three days and three nights. My aunt said that I fell asleep the moment I touched the pillow, and even my daughter's loud cry did not wake me up, which shows how good my sleep quality was.
Since I turned off my phone and went offline immediately after giving birth, my aunt recounted everything that happened during that time. She told me that everyone was disappointed that I only gave birth to a daughter, and only Li Siyan was happy. No, happy cannot be described as happy. He was almost crazy with joy that mother and child were safe.
In the words of the midwife: She had delivered babies for so many families, and many of them were happy but could not hide their disappointment when they saw that their first baby was a girl. But Your Majesty was different. He was dancing with joy. The emperor really had a big vision and was extraordinary.
The palace's chosen midwife had excellent skills and an even better tongue. She spouted auspicious words: "The little princess has a full forehead and picturesque features. This is a perfect place for your Majesty and your Majesty! Born in the spring when everything is growing, this life is precious beyond words!"
Every word was a blow to Li Siyan's dragon buttocks, which made Li Siyan very happy. The midwife took advantage of this to make a fortune.
I glanced at my daughter's wrinkled red face, and her eyes, now just slits, and after a moment's silence, I grumbled, "...One dares to praise, the other dares to believe."
The little girl hasn't grown up yet and is as ugly as a little monkey. Even if I were her mother, I wouldn't be able to praise her. Isn't the midwife telling lies with her eyes open?
The most outrageous thing is that her father actually believed this outrageous lie. He hugged his delicate daughter and showed off all day long. When the ministers wanted to hug her, he would never let them. At most, he would let these gentlemen take a quick look at her, and they had to give him more than 200 words of flattery before he would let them pass.
Jinlian secretly complained to me: This is what they call a son's status depends on his mother.
It is true that a son is honored by his mother. During the few days I was in a coma, Li Siyan came to my side almost immediately to take care of me after finishing his official business. Perhaps the situation during childbirth was too terrible, and he always felt that I would pass away quietly, so he couldn't help but reach out to check my breath, and he had to confirm that I was still alive and well before he could feel at ease.
The first princess of the dynasty was born, and there was a joyful atmosphere inside and outside the palace. The concubines breathed a sigh of relief: since the queen was fine, they didn't have to be buried with her. Good riddance, good riddance, Ami Tofu...
Wen Baibi, who was practicing outside the palace, also heard the news that I had given birth to a daughter. Without saying a word, he copied a bunch of scriptures and sent them to me.
Li Siyan was originally upset about Wen Baibi giving me the pass, but when he opened the first page of the scripture, he saw that she had written on the title page: The phoenix chick descended from heaven, and the country's prosperity will last long.
These few words touched the emperor's heart, causing him to forgive Wen Baibi's mistakes. He nodded approvingly and said, "The Wen family is very thoughtful."
For several days, gifts from dignitaries were continuously sent into the palace, filling up the storehouse of the Purple Palace. A grand celebration was held outside the palace to congratulate the emperor on his birth of Nong Yu.
However, this little girl who was born amidst the anticipation of everyone was unaware of all this. She just rolled around in the arms of her parents and nanny and blew bubbles. The little girl was not shy and smiled at everyone she saw. She was much more popular than her own parents.
You heartless brat, I thought to myself. I was pregnant with you and suffered so much to give birth to you, but now you think anyone who feeds you or plays with you is your good mother. Where is the blood bond we promised you? Where is the deep love between mother and daughter?
I frowned beside the couch, looking at the carefree little girl, not knowing what to feel. Perhaps there really was a blood connection, and I didn't hate her as much as I hated her father.
But there wasn't much joy in being a new mother either.
Li Siyan was reviewing documents on the side. When he saw me staring at my daughter expressionlessly with a dull and indifferent look, his face couldn't help but darken a little.
He must know that because of the bad things he did, I have no expectations for this child. This is a kind of hatred for the whole family.
After hesitating for a moment, he gently picked up the little girl, still in her swaddling clothes, and asked me cautiously, "How are you today?"
With a thick scarf tied around my forehead, I looked like a widow in mourning. I gave him a cold look and said, "Not very well."
Li Siyan was silent for a moment, then forced a smile and said, "Yingying, look at our child. She's smiling. Look at her mouth. It looks so much like yours. She's sure to be a very sharp-tongued girl in the future."
My eyes fell on my daughter's little mouth, which was as small as a cherry and had no shape. I thought her father was lying again.
I nodded slightly and said, "Okay, like me."
Seeing that I still couldn't muster up the energy, he pondered for a moment and found a new topic: "...Do you have any good names? She doesn't have a nickname yet."
I was stunned. "I thought His Majesty would choose one himself, so I hadn't thought about this."
He insisted, "You should do it. I haven't read much and can't come up with a good name."
He looked at me expectantly, with a soft light in his eyes. I guess he asked me to name the child so that I would pay more attention to him. There is a Japanese proverb: A name is the shortest spell. By calling the name, the distance between mother and daughter will be quietly shortened.
But I have no interest at all.
Pointing sloppily at the bookshelf, I said perfunctorily, "Most girls' names are taken from the Book of Songs and Chu Ci. Look through them yourself and find a few. If you can't find any, ask the scholars from the Hanlin Academy to come. They are used to choosing names for people."
Li Siyan's back couldn't help but feel a little depressed, but he didn't get angry with me. He still forced a smile and said obediently, "Forget it, I'll take a look myself first and then choose for you later."
"Okay," I agreed without thinking.
He held the child in his arms and whispered, "I'll take her to find her aunt and grandmother."
Her maternal grandmother, my aunt, loved the little girl so much that she would watch her sleep every night before she could feel at ease.
"Your Majesty," I suddenly called out to Li Siyan as he reached the door. "I remember that day when I gave birth, Your Majesty said he would never force me again. But is that true?"
His steps faltered, his throat rolling, and he finally said, "This time, I will keep my word."
I said to him, "Okay, I want to go home."
He stared at me blankly with a desolate look.
I sat on the dragon bed inlaid with gold and jade, half of my face was vaguely visible between the gaps in the red silk curtains, my expression was still wooden, like a body without a soul.
I vaguely heard him sigh. After a long silence, he finally uttered a word: "...Okay."
Soon, the whole Chang'an knew that the female historian named Shen, who had staged a passionate and tragic love affair with the emperor, suddenly returned home quietly.
It was not a return home or a visit to relatives, but he really stayed at home without fail.
Ogawa came home and told me that his classmates were gossiping about this matter like crazy. Some said that the emperor had finally grown tired of me, some said that the emperor thought I was of humble origin and unfit to be the mother of the little princess, and one person sighed: It's so unwise to move back to your parents' home right after the confinement.
All negative comments.
Ogawa asked me what to do and whether I wanted him to clarify it on my behalf.
I shook my head and said no, they can say whatever they want. If they dare to make it up about me and my daughter, I don’t even need to do anything. Li Siyan’s iron fist can beat these idiots to pieces in minutes.
Xiaochuan asked in confusion: "Why do you think they are stupid?"
If I'm not an idiot, what am I? I thought to myself, Li Siyan's love for my daughter and me has reached a point that even a blind man can't ignore. At this time, running into the emperor's gun is courting death.
Sure enough, the next day, in order to dispel the rumors, Li Siyan came to my house with his daughter and three carts full of rewards. He stayed at the door for an hour just to see me and take a look at where I lived.
I made an excuse of feeling unwell, closed the door, and ordered that not even a fly be let in.
Shushu asked me, "Madam, what should we do? His Majesty has been waiting in the hall for a long time... The little princess has been outside for too long and is crying loudly. Madam is holding her and comforting her. Madam, are you really not going to go out and take a look?"
I said calmly, "I won't look at it, I won't see it, just get rid of it."
Shushu's hand trembled.
I am probably the only one in the world who dares to kick the emperor out.
She took the order and left, and it was Xiaozhi's turn to serve by the bed. Xiaozhi had never liked Li Siyan, and seeing that I looked depressed, she said softly and comforted me, "My lady, if you don't want to see me, then don't. The little princess is under the care of the palace, so I'm sure nothing will go wrong."
I hummed softly, and my daughter's tender little face appeared in my mind.
After she grew up, she became much cuter. She would wave her little fist at me with a smile, as if she knew that I was her real mother... But I was even more afraid to get close to her.
I don’t know why, maybe he was afraid of feeling indebted to her, so he couldn’t help but go back to the palace.
Li Siyan once said that once a woman has a child, she will willingly go into jail, but I don’t want that. I think now that I’m out, I should never go back.
Even if I have a blood-related child, the palace is not my home.
After a cup of tea, Shushu, who had just gone to the front to pass on the message, came back and brought me a fancy post.
I picked it up between two fingers and asked, "What is this?"
Shushu said, "I told His Majesty that my wife didn't want to see him. His Majesty didn't say much, but only asked me to bring this to my wife for her review. He said it was a name proposed for the little princess and asked you to choose one."
I opened it and saw that there were more than ten girls' names written in standard regular script on the fancy apricot-yellow paper, including full names and nicknames, each with auspicious meanings.
Looking at this post, I can almost imagine what Li Siyan looked like when he pressed the heads of the Hanlin scholars and forced them to think of names.
I showed it to Xiaozhi: "...Which one do you like?"
Xiaozhi was shocked and said, "I'm just a maid, how can I interfere in other people's affairs?"
Smiling and patting her head, I looked it up and down twice, circled two characters with a red pen, and handed them to Shushu, saying, "The wheat and millet are scattered, and the sky is moving in the morning light. The characters 'He Xi' are good. You can take them to the emperor."
My daughter has a name, Li Hexi. The full name came from me, and the nickname was contributed by her father. It is said that it was in the spirit of giving a humble name to make it easier to raise a child. Her father pondered for three days before coming up with a name that was humble enough but not too unpleasant: Yao Yao.
I almost spit out the water when I heard it: "...What a crappy name!"
My aunt also thought that this name was not good, it was really not good, ugly and weird, but because the emperor liked it, she forced herself not to say it, and almost hurt herself from holding it back.
Because of my health condition, I did not attend the third day bath and the full moon celebration. Shangguan Lan sent me a visit invitation, but I declined.
I stayed alone in my yard, occasionally chatting with my aunt, and most of the time doing nothing. I leaned under the eaves and calmly watched the sunrise and sunset, the new snow in the yard melt, and the dense early spring flowers bloomed on the vines.
Suddenly one day, Xiaozhi came over and put a golden fox fur cloak on my shoulders, and asked softly, "My dear, why are you crying?"
I reached out my hand and brushed my eyes in a daze. They were wet. Yes, why was I crying?
I was just looking at the flowers, my mind was empty and I wasn't thinking about anything. Why was I crying?
Xiaozhi asked me, "Madam, are you missing the little princess?"
I didn't know. I raised my tear-stained eyes and looked at her dreamily.
Xiaozhi called me anxiously again, "Madam? Lately, you've been crying and dazed for no apparent reason. Are you... okay?"
I bit my lip and suddenly tears welled up again.
Golden beans had just fallen during the day, and in the evening, Li Siyan came in a hurry with little Hexi. It was just time for Hexi to go to bed. The little girl kept yawning, and her little mouth, which was similar to mine, opened and closed, like some kind of mysterious hypnosis.
I held her in my arms clumsily, my cheek gently pressed against her swaddling clothes, my eyes fixed and my expression dazed.
Li Siyan felt something was wrong, so he put his arm around my shoulders, frowned, and looked at me worriedly, "Yingying, what's wrong with you?"
I have no idea.
All I know is that when I held her in my arms, I suddenly felt like the worst mother in the world.
As soon as she was born, I hurried back to my parents' home. I never fed her a sip of milk or patted her back to coax her to sleep.
What's even more frightening is that I'm not sure if I love her or not. What does she mean to me? A responsibility like a yoke? Or a little cotton-padded jacket that brings joy?
I can't be like other great and selfless mothers who love their child unconditionally and treat her as separate from her father.
I can’t understand these things, and I don’t dare to think about them.
I suddenly wanted to cry again. I bit my lip and stuffed my daughter's swaddling clothes back into him. I grabbed the cloak, wrapped myself tightly, and rushed back into the house amid Li Siyan's anxious shouts.
The lock was locked with a click, and I bit my sleeve, tears falling like a sudden downpour in late summer.
He was extremely anxious outside the door, and tried to get me to open it with both soft and hard tactics. However, I instinctively avoided it and dragged the heavy boxes and cages across to block the door. No matter how he tried to coax me, I turned a deaf ear to him and just kept asking him to go away.
My daughter sensed something was wrong and started crying anxiously in his arms. Her sobs sounded like a devilish sound in my ears, making me despair.
When my aunt heard about this, she immediately came to see me.
I heard her shout, and pulled the boxes away one by one, opened the door, and buried my head deeply in her arms.
When I raised my head again, my face was covered with tear marks, my eyes were swollen like walnuts that had been soaked for a long time, my cloak was wrinkled, and my hair was disheveled.
Xiaozhi and Shushu covered their mouths in shock and pain.
A few feet away, Li Siyan was holding his daughter, standing in the shadow of the old tree at the gate of the courtyard, his eyes filled with confusion and sorrow. His distraught look is the clearest memory I have of that hazy time.
Like a stray dog.
He stood at the door for a long time until I returned to the house. Then he moved his stiff steps and carried He Xi back to the palace like a walking corpse.
The next day, three unfamiliar imperial doctors knocked on the Shen family's door.
Through a low wall, I heard my aunt whisper to them, "...it's been...about ten years now. He's fine when he's talking, and he even smiles occasionally, but when he's alone, he cries for no reason and forgets everything he did before..."
"Your Majesty came to see her yesterday... He said it happened suddenly... The little princess was frightened and burst into tears..."
I leaned against the wall, feeling a little indignant: What right did they have to say I was sick? I was living a peaceful life at home now. Although I was a little depressed, it was much better than when I was pregnant in the palace.
Saying I've forgotten what I did before is nonsense. When have I ever forgotten? This must be the Emperor's trick to trick me back.
The imperial physician came in, and I cheered myself up to deal with him, chatting and laughing as usual.
I was smiling on my face, but there was a big empty hole in my heart. I didn't know what I was saying, I was just responding to them instinctively.
They took my pulse but couldn't tell what was wrong with me. They then asked me some daily questions, and I answered them one by one.
"Your Highness should be alright," I heard Doctor Fan say to my aunt, "but we doctors can only diagnose physical illnesses through observation, listening, questioning, and palpation. We are truly powerless to treat mental illnesses."
The aunt was stunned for a moment: "What should we do then?"
"Wait and see what happens. Don't provoke her." Doctor Fan said, "The Empress is a stubborn person. You must not get into trouble with her."
Doctor Fan is a man standing at the pinnacle of the inner court of medicine. His professional skills and emotional intelligence complement each other, and the solutions he provides are also very effective. In a nutshell: Don't go against me.
My aunt is definitely an obedient family member who follows the doctor's advice. Since then, she has never persuaded me to go see my daughter. Instead, she advised me to go out and relax more, find a Taoist temple to burn incense, go hiking, etc. Now it is spring and the flowers are blooming, and it is a good season in Chang'an.
But I had no interest and still stayed in my yard, doing nothing but going back and forth to count the forsythia flowers in the yard, watching them bloom from a few scattered flowers to the end.
During this period, Li Siyan would also come to see me, but he rarely brought He Xi with him.
Doctor Fan said that I am emotionally unstable now, so it is best not to bring the little princess to see me when she is crying, because a child's crying can easily cause the mother's anxiety and worsen her mood.
Li Siyan followed the doctor's advice and only brought Hexi to me when she was well rested and relaxed.
So every time I see her, she smiles and opens her arms for a hug, giving me, her mother, enough face.
When my daughter grows up, her little face will be as cute as a pink dumpling, her mouth and face shape will be like mine, her eyebrows and eyes will be like her father's, and her hair will be fluffy. I think she will grow into a beautiful woman with green hair like clouds.
However, although she looks cute, her temperament... her temperament is not very clear at the moment, but according to the palace people, she has some traces of the Li family's evil genes. When she is well-behaved, she is very lovable and makes relatives and friends smile. When she is unhappy, she is extremely domineering, cries loudly, and swings her little hands in a painful way.
──I was not like this when I was a child. I was always a model of a good child. If I had acted like a spoiled child and received a few beatings, I would not have been so stubborn later on.
After realizing that his daughter might have inherited his evil spirit, her father became very arrogant and boasted to everyone: My daughter's child will be like him, and she will be a shrew in the future and will not suffer any loss.
It's a bit strange, but for Li Siyan, "violent woman" is a compliment with great meaning.
He told me, "Her nickname is Yao Yao, because we hope she will be as fierce and agile as a hawk, and happily catch mice for her mother."
I understood the first half of the sentence, but I always felt something was not right with the second half.
It was raining outside today, with rumbling spring thunder and a gloomy sky. Hexi was sleeping soundly in the palace, and her father came to see me alone.
He brought along a lot of things, including supplements like bird's nest and ginseng, seasonal fabrics, rare ancient books, and the four treasures of the study that local officials had presented to him as a tribute... Even after letting me leave the palace, Li Siyan still tried his best to support me materially.
The reason he came this time was, firstly, to see how I was doing, and secondly, to ask me if I wanted to be crowned as the Queen.
I had almost forgotten about the title of Queen, but I suddenly remembered it after he reminded me.
He explained, "Although I have already issued the decree to confer you the title of Empress, I have not offered sacrifices to the Imperial Ancestral Temple or held any ceremonial ceremony. These ceremonies have been dragging on, and there has been considerable dissatisfaction within the court."
I grabbed my sleeve and asked calmly, "Are you here to take me back to the palace?"
Li Siyan panicked and tried in vain to hold my hand, saying anxiously, "I didn't mean that. I promised not to force you again. I was just asking. If you don't want to go back, just stay at home. As long as everything goes smoothly, that's fine."
I smiled mechanically: "You are lying."
He was stunned.
I asked, "Do you still remember when you arranged for my marriage to Meng Xu? You also said you would let me go then. What happened next?"
I have long stopped believing what he said. I only believe that it is difficult to change one's nature while it is difficult to change the country. Now he is just showing some favoritism to me because of the difficulty I had in giving birth to a daughter. When I get better in the future, he will definitely return to his old ways.
Li Siyan was silent for a moment, then grabbed my hand and said, "Yingying, I did a lot of bad things in the past, and it was all my fault. I was only thinking about keeping you by my side, and I didn't think about whether you would be sad. Now... I just ask you not to always look lifeless, don't... don't die."
When I was giving birth, I was on the verge of death several times. The imperial physician said that I had no desire to live. The fear of losing me eventually overwhelmed his desire to control me.
Only then did I realize that his previous words like "Even if I die, I want to die by my side" were all insincere and cruel. In fact, he was terribly afraid of me passing away.
It's just that he realized it too late, which is why our relationship has become like this.
Seeing my expressionless face, he didn't know how to remedy the situation. He could only rub my swollen legs and feet in a stammer, saying to me, "I don't ask you to believe me, but He Xi is indeed innocent. She looks a lot like you, especially when she's angry. Every time I see her, I think of you. But your aunt said you don't want to see me. Every time, I can only occasionally glance at you from afar before returning to the palace."
"Hexi can already crawl. Like you, she likes to grab the beads on the bed curtains."
“That’s enough!”
Why are you telling me this?
A reminder of what a bad mother I am?
I clenched my sleeves, closed my eyes tremblingly, and my heart felt as if it was cut by a sharp knife.
I pointed at the door, my eyes red, and said to the child's father fiercely: "Go away, this is my home! I don't want to see you!"
Li Siyan subconsciously reached out his hand to me, looking bewildered and helpless: "Yingying..."
I grabbed the copper lamp on the bedside table and hit him hard: "I told you to get out!"
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