imprisonment
In the distance, a train whistled past. Bai Shunan turned his head and saw a flake of snow landing on his eyelashes. He blinked and looked up at the sky. Dense snowflakes were falling, unlike the rush of last night.
Bai Shunan felt the coldness melting away on his face, his vision blurring as he recalled Lu Jinfeng's eyes from the previous night. After sending Zhong Mianqing home, Bai Shunan returned to his own home. Lying in bed, he stared at the unlit area of the ceiling, and thought back to the night before he dropped out of school, many years ago.
After half a month, Lu Jinfeng, who could no longer bear him, walked up to him. Bai Shunan looked at Lu Jinfeng's eyes. He didn't want to stay there stubbornly, being drenched in the rain. He felt uncomfortable and a wave of uncontrollable panic rose from the bottom of his heart. He started off with some awkward words, which was not a good start: "I...you...then you want me to..."
Before he could finish, Lu Jinfeng swung his fist at him first, and the voice that reached his ears was unexpectedly clear - "Hope? What hope can I have for someone like you?"
Everything felt so wrong. The more Bai Shunan looked at the shadow, the more he felt like rain had seeped through the wall, revealing a human figure. Late at night, alone, he began to reflect on his past life. He couldn't help but ponder the question: what if Lu Jinfeng had fallen in love with him now? The mere thought of this possibility made Bai Shunan's brows furrow unconsciously. Judging by all the signs now, this wasn't impossible.
How could he make Lu Jinfeng stop thinking about this? Bai Shunan sighed softly. This was something he had been worrying about for a long time. From the moment Lu Jinfeng kissed him, he began to think about how to push him away.
Bai Shunan wasn't stupid. He'd come up with a few excuses to justify his actions, starting with the student ID he'd stumbled upon. But he couldn't help the suspicions that kept surfacing at unexpected moments, adding a layer of complexity to their daily interactions. No matter how he imagined the possibility that Lu Jinfeng disliked him, even with all the hateful words Lu Jinfeng had said, he couldn't conclude that Lu Jinfeng didn't like him. He could find excuses to disprove many things, but that kiss—he still hadn't figured it out. If Lu Jinfeng really hated him as much as he said, why would he kiss him?
When he returned to the hotel that day, old memories and new dreams kept alternating in his mind, disturbing him. He thought for a long time but couldn't come up with a moment of enlightenment. Bai Shunan understood that his feelings for Lu Jinfeng were somewhat complicated, but it wasn't that he wanted to be with him. If it weren't for that opportunity, to some extent, he would have been a little annoyed by him. He had felt it before. Every time Lu Jinfeng looked at him, it was as if he was expecting him to say something. Bai Shunan gritted his teeth and fell silent. After a long while, there was only one sentence left in his mind: he wouldn't say it.
To resolve his troubles, Bai Shunan had planned to move out long ago, but he didn't expect Lu Jinfeng to fall ill the next day. He also didn't expect Lu Jinfeng's illness to make him so anxious. When Bai Shunan recalled that moment of tears, an embarrassed look instantly spread across his face. Even if no one saw him, he felt a little embarrassed to cry like that in Lu Jinfeng's house.
Bai Shunan sighed heavily. God knows why he burst into tears uncontrollably. If he wasn't acting, he would hardly cry in private. Later, when he cried in front of Zhong Mianqing, it caught him off guard. Thinking of this, Bai Shunan wanted to cry again. He had been having a severe emotional breakdown recently, almost breaking him down, although he didn't care much, although...
He had long considered breaking up with Amian, but when the moment finally arrived, it put a lot of pressure on him. On the one hand, he was surprised by his own emotional outburst, realizing that he loved her far more than he had imagined. On the other hand, he reaffirmed his decision to leave her. When he realized this, his body reacted first, and he cried in front of her.
Bai Shunan knew how much he hated the change in their relationship, but when Zhong Mianqing contacted him as usual, then suddenly left in tears without a word, in addition to the long-lasting confusion, his heart became even more confused and unable to make sense of it. A long-forgotten moment found a chance to burst through all defenses in an instant, bringing destruction and disaster to his mind like a flood breaking through a dam. He decided to leave her.
He thought it was Zhong Mianqing's punishment. Suddenly, Bai Shunan had an idea: Lu Jinfeng, who had put him in such a mess, was also punishing himself for what he had done. Could Lu Jinfeng have kissed him to punish him? Bai Shunan began to worry about what had happened just now, and finally came to a conclusion: it was really possible.
The more Bai Shunan thought about it, the more impatient he became. He remembered that he had planned to leave that day when he told Lu Jinfeng that he was moving out, but he had to wait until Lu Jinfeng recovered from his illness under Lu Jinfeng's confused and strange gaze. Recalling Lu Jinfeng's eyes at that time, Bai Shunan felt that he was sick. The conversation at that time also involuntarily surfaced in Bai Shunan's mind - "You haven't left yet?" "In a few days." "Oh, let's have dinner together." "...Okay."
He was almost going crazy. But soon Bai Shunan's face calmed down. He knew why he didn't leave at that time. He knew that he couldn't bear to leave.
It didn't matter. All feelings would fade with time. He knew this all too well. As Bai Shunan walked out the door, he immediately spotted the cat bed, which hadn't been put away yet. He walked over, thinking about calling Zhong Mianqing to ask if he wanted it. If not, he'd clean it and put it somewhere he wouldn't normally notice. Lately, his emotions seemed disconnected from his body, and he hated these moments of losing control.
Bai Shunan knew very well that time could bury everything very well, so he tried to build a grave for his emotions and was almost successful at one point.
In order to welcome the countdown fireworks, not many lights were turned on in the house. Lu Jinfeng led him to an almost dark and secluded corner, with a cabinet in front blocking other people's view.
Before he could adjust to the dim environment, he heard an imperceptible dripping sound and felt a slight impact on his hand, leaving a wet spot.
Bai Shunan immediately realized what it was. He struggled to see the scene clearly. Finally, he vaguely saw Lu Jinfeng's eyes showing a bit of pity, moist and crystal clear, and his gaze was like moonlight falling on the water.
The expectant, boisterous laughter of the crowd not far away clung to his ears, straining against his body. The pungent smell of alcohol, mingled with various perfumes, began to feel as unpleasant as it had been when he first encountered it. The vague illusion of being in two different worlds was shattered by the flickering light and shadows of the passing crowd. Lu Jinfeng stared at him unwaveringly, his gaze sometimes pouring down like water, sometimes like the gentle glow of moonlight, quietly caressing him. Everything he felt at this moment surged towards Bai Shunan like a dream, blurring the boundaries between reality and illusion, trying to drown him.
Bai Shunan felt suffocated and developed a negative mood that he would rather just leave it as it is. At this moment, he remembered a string of candied haws from his childhood. If he had not eaten that string of candied haws, he would have thought about it for a long time. His feelings for Lu Jinfeng were even deeper than that, but he did not want to possess him that much. Thinking of this, Bai Shunan felt lonely again, because what came with it was always the torture of being in it and realizing it belatedly.
Now the torture of those two moments appeared on him at the same time.
"Shall we be friends?"
Lu Jinfeng's clear voice penetrated Bai Shunan's ears, pulling him out of the situation where he was about to drown. He came to his senses and drew a glimmer of hope of being rescued from it. The fascinating flow of life freed him from the temporary torture, and hope meandered through his cowardly body.
Then, his mind registered the meaning of the words. These words brought on an inescapable tsunami, sweeping him back into the sea. Bai Shunan frowned, almost suffocating. The urge to survive surged into his heart, piercing it. He pushed Lu Jinfeng away and whispered to himself, "You're always like this."
Bai Shunan raised his head and looked at Lu Jinfeng, but they couldn't see each other clearly.
The next moment, the world became bright.
"Okay, Lu Jinfeng, let's be friends."
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