Chapter 32: Proportion
The streets on the first day of the Lunar New Year are exceptionally lively, with the endless sounds of hawking and laughter intertwined, and the fast or slow falling snowflakes enveloping the town. Lanterns and red flags are dotted in the snowy fields, and the air is filled with the smell of blessings for bidding farewell to the old and welcoming the new.
A black private car stopped in front of Cheng Che. The windows were covered with snow, leaving only a small area of vision. Cheng Che recognized that it was a license plate from Beijing city, and his heart suddenly tightened.
The car window rolled down, and Li Zimai leaned sideways to open the passenger door for him. Cheng Che was stunned until the car behind him honked its horn frantically, which woke him up - Li Zimai did not leave.
"I went out to buy breakfast, and when I came back you had already checked out of the room. Am I a monster? Why are you hiding from me like this?"
Cheng Che got into the car slowly. Seeing several bags of breakfast pastries common in town placed in front of him, he felt depressed. "I need to go back. Something's going on at home."
Li Zimai turned his head to look at him, "What's the matter? Is it serious?"
Cheng Che could feel the complex, burning gaze. He didn't dare to look up. He stared at his clenched fingers that had turned white, and said in a muffled voice, "It's not serious. My grandma is looking for me, I have to go back."
"Um."
The car fell silent. Li Zimai concentrated on driving. Cheng Che glanced at the other person's hand casually resting on the steering wheel, and then followed his wrist to see the other person's protruding Adam's apple, the well-defined chin and nose bridge. The small mole on the tip of the nose seemed to be very close, overlapping with the scene of the kiss between adults last night.
He kissed Li Zimai three times.
The first time was when I accidentally hit my nose with my mouth, the second time was when Li Zimai got drunk, and the third time was last night.
Cheng Che didn't feel anything the first two times. At most, he was simply shocked by the concept of "kissing". But last night, he truly felt Li Zimai's kiss, a gentle, lingering and strong kiss. He couldn't look at the other person directly.
The whole journey was silent, with only the faint roar of the car and the moderate drafts of the heater making noises. The windows were shrouded in winter mist, which enveloped them like a suffocating film.
When they were almost at their destination, Li Zimai finally spoke, "I was serious about what I said last night, and I was serious about what I said before. I wasn't joking, do you understand?"
He rarely spoke to Cheng Che in such a tone, which was both sincere and serious, as if he was making an oath. Cheng Che felt that the car was very stuffy. He didn't know whether it was because the heater was turned on too high or for some other inexplicable reasons, but he was speechless.
Li Zimai parked the car on the side of the road and turned off the engine, but his fingers were still clinging to the steering wheel, gripping it even tighter than when he was driving. His voice was a little tentative as he asked Cheng Che, "Are you angry?"
It took Cheng Che a while to understand what was going on. He turned his head to look at Li Zimai, and when their eyes met, Cheng Che quickly lowered his head and pressed his lips into a straight line.
"...Not angry."
Cheng Che explained quietly, "I'm not always angry."
Li Zimai didn't say anything, but stared at Cheng Che. His eyes were always bright, like burning turbulent flames, which fell on Cheng Che, often burning him to the point of being at a loss. This time, there were other emotions in his eyes, which were more panic-stricken than the bottomless pit that captivated people.
Cheng Che couldn't stand that look and got out of the car in a hurry. Li Zimai suddenly grabbed his elbow. Although there was a thick cotton coat between them, his scorching body temperature crept in unreasonably, corroding Cheng Che's skin and making even his bones numb.
Perhaps noticing Cheng Che's discomfort, Li Zimai let him go, suppressing all the heat rising in his chest, and only said: "See you at school, Happy New Year."
Cheng Che took a few steps, then turned back and asked hesitantly, "...Are you going back to school later?"
Li Zimai sometimes felt that he was being manipulated by Cheng Che. Every time he was rejected and felt depressed, Cheng Che would always say something soft and pique his interest, and he never tired of doing it. "I want to go to your little Penglai. There's no one at home when I go back. Everyone is celebrating the New Year, and it's not fun for me to be alone."
Cheng Che frowned, wanting to ask, "Why is no one home? Aren't Zhou Xumao and the others looking for you to play?" He thought about it, then realized he was asking too many questions. He and Li Zimai were in a very awkward situation.
Li Zimai asked tentatively: "...Can you take me there?"
It was market time on the first day of the new year, and the environment was very noisy. The street vendors were shouting their wares. After an unknown amount of time, Cheng Che was about to give his answer when Li Zimai spoke up first: "Forget it, I'm going back. Take care of yourself and don't get hurt again."
Cheng Che was sure he heard the word "forget it" and not the vegetable vendor next to him bargaining. He nodded slowly and said goodbye to Li Zimai in a low voice: "Drive safely. Goodbye."
"Um."
Li Zimai never said goodbye to Cheng Che. He always used "I'll wait for you to come back" instead of "goodbye", but this time he only replied with one word. Cheng Che understood that in the near future, Li Zimai would no longer wait for him.
The next-door neighbor's sister came to the house at noon and said that there was a handsome guy from Beijing at the gate of the community. He was very tall and good-looking, and asked Duan Rui to help her get his contact information.
Duan Rui used the excuse of going to the convenience store at the door to buy vinegar and saw the car with a Beijing license plate.
The tall boy was standing by the curb smoking. He slowly exhaled a faint smoke, which lingered on his nose for a while before quickly disappearing. The ends of his hair were wet with frost, half covering his frustrated eyes.
Li Zimai noticed the gazes coming his way, twisted his cigarette into the snow, and after it extinguished, he stood up and threw it into the trash can, politely greeting Duan Rui: "Happy New Year."
Duan Rui glanced at his car, an older domestic model from a few years ago, worth no more than 300,000 yuan. The disappointment he felt when he first met him eased a little, and he asked gently, "Are you waiting for Xiao Che here? He just went home and might not be able to come out for a while. Have you contacted him?"
"Well, I sent him back."
Duan Rui was stunned for a few seconds, then asked, "Were you two together last night?"
"I came to visit him for the New Year, and I happened to see him going out alone. We stayed outside last night."
Li Zimai paused and added, "We stayed in a standard room."
He didn't want others to misunderstand Cheng Che and didn't want to cause unnecessary trouble to Cheng Che.
Duan Rui explained: "He had a fight with his dad last night, grandma..."
"If it's alright, I'll leave first."
Li Zimai interrupted him rudely. He didn't want to hear about Cheng Che from a third person. He was willing to wait for Cheng Che to tell him, even if the wait was indefinite.
Duan Rui called him, "Cheng Che has been a loner since he was young and has few friends. Please be more understanding."
Li Zimai paused, frowning slightly, "Cheche is a good guy, but he's slow to warm up. Many classmates like him."
Duan Rui did not refute, but advised, "If you want to be with him for a long time, you should know when to stop."
They all knew what this "measure" meant. Before yesterday, Li Zimai might have temporarily accepted his advice, but now, he didn't want to be vague. He turned to Duan Rui and said, "I want to be with him for a long time, but not as friends. I like him and I'm pursuing him."
Duan Rui's mouth was flat, and he seemed a little anxious and nervous, but he quickly calmed down. "I don't know if this path is easy for you, but for Cheng Che, it is impossible. You can't afford the consequences of leading him down this path."
Li Zimai calmly asked back, "So this is why you watched him get hurt again and again, because you couldn't afford the so-called consequences."
Duan Rui looked slightly stunned and could not utter a word to refute. He had just graduated and was at a very awkward age. He did not have the impulsive drive of a college student, nor the maturity and sophistication of a working person. Caught in such a chaotic situation, he could neither give it a try nor give up easily.
The winter snow began to fall again, the sky was gray, the vendors packed up their things and were busy pulling their carts, the wheels of the carts making a dull squeaking sound as they rolled over the snow, the bustling streets gradually became quiet, and there was an inexplicable heaviness and stuffiness.
Li Zimai said goodbye to the other party: "Thank you for your advice, I will take it to heart."
On his way back, Duan Rui met Cheng Che, who was walking towards the entrance of the community with a food thermos box, a thermos cup, a hat and a scarf.
Duan Rui reminded him, "Your classmate has already left. It's so cold, why is he standing outside smoking alone? Did you have a fight?"
Cheng Che's heart seemed to be lightly swept by the fine snow, cold and prickly.
Over the next few days, Li Zimai's messaging frequency with Cheng Che dropped significantly. Before, no matter where he was, as long as he was in a new environment, Li Zimai would always send Cheng Che photos—pictures of him playing with his dog, gardening, playing basketball, playing the piano, eating... He would even tell Cheng Che about his aunt's son who was in elementary school and had a girlfriend.
But now, he only received one or two messages a day, most of which were asking what Cheng Che was doing. He was still very anxious when he couldn't get a reply from Cheng Che, but he no longer made video calls as frantically as before.
[Li]: If you want to go back to school early, come back and stay at my place. I'm not at home.
Cheng Che wanted to ask: Why are you not at home?
He knew that Li Zimai had gone somewhere else, but he didn't tell him where he was going or what he was doing. He no longer shared every detail of his life with Cheng Che.
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