It's raining in my heart
(Small Theater) Art Examination ~
Before the art exam, I registered on my own, applying to each school one by one. The fees for independent enrollment were quite high at the time, ranging from 150 to 300 yuan. I really had to choose carefully, otherwise the fees would be wasted. My mom's monthly salary was only 2,000 yuan, while my painting tuition was several thousand yuan a month. I only chose seven or eight schools, partly due to financial considerations and partly because independent enrollment is an independent exam that each school prepares for after the joint entrance exam. The constant repetition of exams was truly exhausting, both physically and mentally. My hands weren't trained, but the mental strain was immense.
Everyone thinks that art exam candidates are so desirable. In my opinion, the art exam candidates at that time were no different from working donkeys.
During the art exam, I carried my drawing board and painting box on my back. I was a small person with a heavy backpack and went to one school after another to take the exam. At noon, I ate three-yuan instant noodles cooked by the aunt in the school cafeteria. At that time, instant noodles in bags only cost two yuan. Adding eggs cost an extra fifty cents, and adding sausage also cost fifty cents.
Take the bus back to the hotel at night. Remember the time of the last bus back home. If you miss it, taking a taxi will be very expensive because the journey is long.
It was winter when I took the exam, my hands were very cold, and the drawing box was very heavy.
I haven't cried in the past six months.
~~~
"Yueyue, you go out first." Uncle said as he pushed Qiyue out of the ward.
"Get out, why, why let me go out."
The moment he spoke, Qiyue was wheeled out. Just when Qiyue was puzzled, she heard her mother crying in the ward. Qiyue's mother was crying so hard that she was hoarse.
Qiyue's mother is a very strong-willed person. When her father was ill, she was always there for him. He sat there in a daze, unable to sleep at night due to the pain. You can imagine how frightening it would be to wake up in the middle of the night and see a skinny person with bulging eyes sitting next to you. Because they often had to get painkillers, Qiyue's mother, despite her fear, learned how to give them. Before that, Lan's father took care of everything in the household, big and small, except for the laundry and cooking.
"My mother was the youngest child in her family. She was spoiled by her older brothers and sisters when she grew up. She had never done any hard labor. After coming to our family, she learned everything. It was this woman who accompanied my father through his final days. Whenever I think of this, I feel that I was unfilial. To this day, I still can't let go of it or forgive it."
At this time, Qi Yue was standing at the door in a daze, unable to enter the crowded room.
Qi Yue was standing at the door. All she saw through the window were people wearing black clothes and all she heard were crying sounds. Just as Qi Yue was about to go in, she was pulled back.
This is a white door.
Just as Qiyue was staring at the door with a blank mind, her uncle came out and handed her a branch. He told her, "Go out of the hospital gate, turn right, stand still, point the branch ahead, and say, 'Dad, go this way.'"
As the saying goes, this is pointing the way. How could Qiyue understand this? But this thing can only be done by Qiyue, and it must be Qiyue.
From this day on, that is, the seventh day after Qiyue returned home, from 3:22 pm on November 23rd of this year, Qiyue learned this folk custom from her loved ones.
Qi Yue returned to the ward door and continued to stand there. The adults treated her like a child, so naturally, she did not see her father take his last breath.
"I know they are doing this for my own good. They think I'm still young."
It was this door that separated life and death, and it was this door that prevented Qi Yue from seeing my father for the last time. Perhaps, it was because I wanted Qi Yue to remember the most handsome side of her father!
Really, Qi Yue’s father is very handsome. Although he is not particularly tall, his looks are really as good as Andy Lau.
Since then, Qi Yue locked a door in my heart, a door that she herself didn't want to open.
Just lock yourself up like this, imprison yourself in a circle, and confine yourself here for the rest of your life.
The funeral process took three days to complete. During these days, Qiyue and Damei wore black mourning cloth on their arms and white cloth belts around their waists.
Qiyue still remembers to this day that on the day of the funeral, her younger brother came early and brought Qiyue his favorite buns, which were still hot. He must have put them in his arms right after buying them. Qiyue knew that her younger brother was afraid that she would be hungry and didn't want her to eat cold food.
This day was also the penultimate time that Qi Yue saw her father. After seeing the body, she did what a daughter should do. She walked to the door, knelt down, raised the basin, and then dropped it heavily.
"I didn't cry."
Then, Dad’s body was carried out by Dad’s good brothers who had watched Qi Yue grow up, and Qi Yue’s uncles, each of them wearing white gloves.
White gloves and red coffin, what a sharp contrast.
Going to the crematorium and cremating the body was the last time Qi Yue saw her father. He was peaceful and handsome. He was her father, but he could no longer look at Qi Yue.
The moment Qi Yue's father was pushed into the crematorium, Qi Yue shed tears. At that moment, Qi Yue felt most directly that her father was really going to be gone from this world.
Qi Yue really lost him.
"I am my father's daughter. I cannot cry. I cannot be a coward. I must endure. I want my tears to flow back."
Later, when they went to the cemetery, it was his younger brother, Lan Yuezhi, who held the urn and led the way to the uncle who loved him most in the world, bidding farewell to his blood relative for the last time.
Qiyue's father was buried next to her grandparents' grave. Qiyue chose the urn because she knew that her father liked simple and elegant urns with some special features.
When Qi Yue was kneeling in front of the coffin, waiting for it to be sealed, the adults told Qi Yue to speak in the order they hammered the nails.
"Dad, dodge the nails to the left; Dad, dodge the nails to the right."
This time Qi Yue couldn't hold back and shed a few tears.
"My father, this must be painful! My heart is broken. I still say that I can't cry. I can't make my father worry. I can't cry even if it hurts me."
Finally, everyone who came to say farewell had a farewell dinner together. The entire hall, with more than a dozen tables of people, were witnesses to Qi Yue's father's life and also bid farewell to him in death. Qi Yue didn't eat the meal, but she knew that one of the dishes would be tofu, because it had been the same at every meal for the past three days.
At this time, Qi Yue was standing at the front. After the host finished his funeral speech, he bowed deeply to everyone and thanked relatives and friends for coming to see his father off. From then on, this person really did not exist in the world, and the past was like a passing cloud of smoke, leaving only memories.
It was raining in my heart, not pouring, just drizzling.
A rain that I thought would never stop.
The sky darkened.
When the host was about to finish, Qi Yue's eldest sister stood beside him. Qi Yue pretended to be relaxed and asked, "Why are you here?"
The eldest sister smiled sadly and said, "I'll stay with you."
"My heart aches again."
During these three days, Qi Yue walked the longest distance, dropped the heaviest basin, knelt on the coldest ground, and bowed the deepest.
Three days seemed to have exhausted Qi Yue's life's strength. She bid farewell to the person she loved most and also left herself in this winter. Qi Yue was trapped by herself.
Since then, the weather has been very cold and the roads have been very dark.
"I'm so scared."
After the banquet, Qin Huai’s mother, a good friend of Lan’s father and Qi Yue’s childhood playmate, walked towards Qi Yue.
Speaking of which, Qiyue seemed to have been playing with Qin Huai since elementary school. For a few years, they could see each other four days out of seven, so they could be called childhood sweethearts. Qin Huai couldn't make it back this time because he was at school, but before the Chinese New Year, he made a special visit to see Lan's father.
Father Lan really loves these younger generations and is very good to the children, which makes up for the regret of not being able to attend today.
"Good job, girl. You're so strong."
"Look, birth, old age, sickness and death are all normal, so just be open-minded."
"Big girl, you really are your father's daughter."
God knows, when Qi Yue said these words, it was like a knife stabbing her heart, and she knew the pain herself.
After returning home, Qi Yue felt empty inside. All the relatives left one after another for work and went home. Qi Yue's aunt and uncle did not leave because they wanted to accompany Lan's mother.
Sister Qi Jia also came on the night that Lan's father passed away. She caught up with him to see him off for the last time and to accompany her sister.
"I don't want to talk. I'm sleepy and tired. I want to sleep."
The next day, everyone got up early, but Qiyue still didn't get up. Not long after her sister got up, Qiyue burst into tears and buried her face in the pillow, not wanting to look at anyone or the world.
She cried alone, like a wronged child, but the difference was that this time there was no father to support Qi Yue.
Her mother was comforting her with a distressed look on her face, but Qi Yue remained indifferent. Qi Yue finally realized that her father had passed away, she was a child who had lost her father, and her family was missing half.
"My mother and I are the only ones left at home."
"Why can't you give me a little more time? Really, just a little bit will be enough. I don't dare to ask for anything, but in the end, I can't resist fate."
From that day on, Qi Yue often used two kinds of medicine, Yang Xin Decoction and Amber Baolong Pills, one for treating heartache and the other for treating nightmares.
From then on, Lan Qiyue was normal in front of others, but behind others' backs, she became quiet, had mood swings, extreme thoughts, and was extremely sensitive.
The painful year ended, and Lan Qiyue was trapped in this winter. After crying that day, she never cried again, but she had a new heartache problem: she was absolutely afraid of the cold.
Lan's mother said, "This is the fire in my heart, it was suppressed."
At the beginning of the year, love passed away, and at the end of the year, I left my loved ones. This year is really hard to describe for Qiyue.
"My life still has a long way to go. To be honest, I don't really want to go on. Just when I was thinking of giving up, maybe he sensed it, he came."
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