His gaze remained on the person sleeping next to him for a long time, and he was reluctant to look away.
He had known for a long time that this person would eventually fly away from him and he would not be able to keep her no matter what he did.
He knew this day would come sooner or later, and he expected to know the answer today, so he was unusually depressed.
He was far less optimistic than Ye Feng thought.
He always thought that the days when the two of them could drink together without being disturbed were becoming fewer and fewer.
He always lived every day as if it were his last.
Perhaps this is the biggest difference between the two.
One is always optimistic, the other is always pessimistic.
There were some things he had been holding in his heart for far too long.
It’s been so long that I don’t even know where to start.
However, at this moment, under the influence of alcohol, he couldn't help but say it to the sleeping Ye Feng.
It was as if the person opposite was listening quietly.
"Ye Feng, what I'm about to say may seem absurd or abrupt to you.
"But, in this world, you are the only one who can make me want to talk.
"But perhaps, if I miss tonight, I may not have another chance to say it."
Yan Xiao raised his head slightly and looked at the pitch-black night sky.
"Before I met you, I slept very little. Do you know why?
“Because I couldn’t sleep, and even if I did fall asleep, I would be woken up by nightmares.
"Those darkest dreams, like ghosts, haunt me all the time...
“So, I don’t sleep.
“If I fall asleep, I will fall into hell.
"When I'm awake, I can send others to hell."
Yan Xiao leaned back in the chair, tilted his head back, and rested his head lightly on the backrest.
His voice was exceptionally clear and calm, and contained an indescribable loneliness.
“I often spent whole nights looking at the rooftops.
“Looking at those faint lights above, struggling and being swallowed up bit by bit by the darkness.
“I watched it from beginning to end and didn’t feel sleepy at all.
“You know why I like black?
“Because that black is me.
“I often think that since God wants me to stay in the darkness, then I will not be just darkness.
“I will become the darkness of everyone.
"I want all the whiteness in this world to be consumed by blood and fear."
“What I hate most is the color white.
“Why does it look so clean?
"Why?"
He turned his head to look at Ye Feng, then gradually put away his arrogance and lowered his eyes.
“But Ye Feng, I met you.
"You are the only whiteness I can tolerate.
"When I met you, I was extremely arrogant and bored.
“I just can’t vent the rage in my heart.
"I tortured and toyed with people, watching them behave like clowns.
“Some cried, some cursed, and some were trembling with fear like grandchildren.
“But in the end, not a single one of them fell to their knees and begged for mercy.
“It’s incredibly boring.
"I thought I would keep going like this until I completely lost interest in everyone and everything, and until I died."
“But then I met you.
"Ye Feng, I saw you smiling at that child, your smile was so warm and loving.
"It was at that moment that I realized that what I had been tossing and turning about for so many years, deep down in my heart, and what I had been desperately seeking but couldn't get, was actually a yearning for 'warmth'.
"hehe.
“How ridiculous.
“I grew up rolling around in hell.
"A man with bloody and filthy hands.
"A man who spurns the whole world and is also spurned by the whole world.
“I unexpectedly discovered that what I wanted most was the purest and most innocent thing in the world.
“It’s ridiculous and absurd to the extreme.
“How can I turn back?
“How can I deserve those things?
"I've grown into a complete monster.
“That day, I was extremely drunk and laughing like crazy.
“All the things that hurt in my mind eventually materialized into a face.
“A smiling face, yours.
“The curved eyebrows, the curved corners of the lips, the warm and melting eyes, are all what I want.
“After I sobered up, this desire was like a seed breaking through the soil.
"It had always been hidden deep in my heart, but once it came true, it was like a branch that grew wildly, and even I couldn't control it.
“Who would understand this kind of feeling?
“No one will understand.
“Who can believe it?
“I don’t even want to believe it myself.
“But it makes me unable to sleep or eat well.
"I just want to see you in the next second, just to see you.
“So, I went to the dance.
“Ye Feng, the moment you agreed to dance that dance, I had to close my eyes.
“Let the joy in your eyes fade.
“So as not to appear too concerned.
“I’m also afraid that you’ll see how much I care.
"I gently hold your hand, just like the scarred self of my childhood, finally touching the warmth I had always dreamed of.
"This is a little compensation I give to myself within my ability.
“It has nothing to do with romance.
"For you, this is just an optional or unwilling dance.
"But for me, it was an approach that I dared not overstep the line."
His voice was filled with restrained warmth, not daring to be too passionate, yet not wanting to be too bland.
Like the morning dew's yearning for the sunshine.
Pious and humble.
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