Chapter 35 My relationship with him is dangerous...
Li Jiacong was forced to cut off all contact with the outside world; this home became his prison.
School was still in session, and with the end of the semester approaching, his father didn't let him go back to school. He wanted him to completely repent and reform, so he even hired a professional psychological counselor to give him psychological treatment and correct his values.
Every day, a psychologist would come to his home to chat with him, show him some case studies, listen to his stories, and ask him questions about his inner thoughts.
It wasn't entirely without effect. Each time, Li Jiacong was asked to close his eyes and what kind of future he wanted, and what his most beautiful vision was.
It seems like I'm trying to fill some void for someone who doesn't care about anything. Perhaps life does need some meaning. Otherwise, you'll end up like me, living like a piece of refined mud.
“You’ve been attending classes for many days now,” the counselor, a wise woman, said with a smile. “Actually, you don’t need to go to such a high intensity. I think you’ve already changed; the rest you need to experience in your daily life.”
Li Jiacong gave a wry smile: "I should say this to my parents."
"However, I'm just helping you with your life planning. We've been talking for so long, and there's one question I've been avoiding, which is what your parents asked me to ask. But I know this is the root of your family's problems."
Li Jiacong knew what she meant: "Is it about me and another boy?"
The counselor nodded: "I talk to you every day only to help you find direction. If the root cause isn't addressed, it will always exist. It won't disappear just because you keep quiet. Would you like to talk?"
Li Jiacong leaned back in his chair: "So, next, are you going to treat this part of me?"
The counselor shook her head: "I only want to ask you a few questions. You can answer them if you want, or you can choose not to."
Li Jiacong nodded.
When did you realize you were attracted to men?
The counselor's questioning style left him nowhere to hide. He could no longer deny that he was gay; that would seem ridiculous. He said, "After spending time with Li Sheng..."
Do you think there's a specific point in time?
“This might be the first time we’ve actually had sex,” Li Jiacong said quickly.
The counselor frowned slightly: "What's your opinion of this relationship?"
Li Jiacong was somewhat agitated: "I've never thought about these things before."
He didn't want to comment on his relationship with Li Sheng, didn't want to create trouble for himself, and even less did he want to label himself as gay. Thinking these things through wouldn't make him happier. But reality forced him to think about it; there was no use running away anymore. Dreams will end, lies will be exposed.
The counselor poured him a glass of water: "There's a saying, 'It's rare to be confused.' But it only works for truly confused people. Jia Cong, thinking things through will make you more insightful, and eventually eliminate your troubles. Aren't you troubled right now?"
Li Jiacong sneered and said, "Teacher, why don't you ask me how I would describe and evaluate myself? A puppet on a string—a person who is not independent, what can I do? I can only sit here and listen to you talk about your correct visions for the future."
The teacher said without changing his expression, "Let's deal with things one by one. Today, let's talk about Li Sheng first."
Li Jiacong frowned: "What did my parents say to you?"
The counselor said, "It's nothing. Calm down and have some water."
The public accusations from his parents had triggered a shock within him. His self-esteem shattered, Li Sheng suddenly became a source of guilt and an indelible part of his past. He had acted foolishly; he knew more than Li Sheng, understood more, yet he hadn't put in as much effort. Li Sheng was serious; he knew it all along, but he knowingly asked, leading Li Sheng into a sordid relationship. He was immoral, he was immoral; he himself was the very word he had once righteously used to condemn others—"scum!"
Li Jiacong remained silent for a long time before saying, "My relationship with him is dangerous. It's like walking a tightrope, but I imagine it as walking on flat ground."
-
Li Sheng lost his job, and the Yunji dormitory asked him to vacate the premises as soon as possible. He needed to find a new job, but before that, he wanted to contact Li Jiacong. However, his previous phone number had gone from being switched off to being disconnected, and he couldn't get through at all. Even when he went to the school to look for Li Jiacong, he didn't see him after school.
The security guards at the entrance to Li Jiacong's residential compound were strict, preventing loiterers like him from entering. Li Sheng felt very uneasy, as if he were standing on a very small stone, about to fall.
He eventually rented a house in a shantytown far from the city center. The place was backed by a mountain and was on the bus route back to his hometown. Various large trucks would run there in the middle of the night, making the house tremble slightly.
There was only a wooden bed in the room, and even after Li Sheng brought all his luggage, it still felt quite empty. But Li Sheng felt more at ease than in Yunji Dormitory. At least here, no one would step on his blankets, throw away his bed board, or kick him out.
Having gained some experience as a waiter, Li Sheng planned to find a similar job, but there were few job postings in winter, so he had to go to each place and ask.
The first day yielded no results. When Li Sheng reached the bottom of his rented apartment building, he realized he hadn't eaten all day. There were also few places to eat nearby. Standing there in a daze for a moment, he unexpectedly saw Huang Yin.
Huang Yin brought a takeout meal. Li Sheng ran a few steps to catch up: "Why are you here?"
Huang Yin: "You just moved, you must be very tired. I'm worried you haven't eaten."
Li Sheng: "I really haven't eaten. I've been looking for work all day. I went upstairs; it's cold outside."
There wasn't even a table in the room. The two of them placed their boxed lunches on the small table extending from the balcony. Huang Yin looked around and said, "We'll fill it up gradually. Has your brother been here?"
Li Sheng said, "No. He's very busy."
Huang Yin noticed that Li Sheng seemed unwilling to talk about the other person, so she changed the subject: "There's a small restaurant called Xiying in our area that's hiring. I wrote down their phone number. You meet the requirements perfectly. Do you want to go check it out?"
Li Sheng nodded, instantly perking up: "Okay, thank you!"
After dinner, Li Sheng took Huang Yin home. It was a long way, and Huang Yin insisted on going home by herself, but Li Sheng felt his location was unlucky and wanted to take her to the vicinity of Yunji Restaurant. The two boarded a bus; there were almost no other passengers. He and Huang Yin sat side by side, looking at the scenery outside the window. The dim yellow light constantly brushed against their faces. Suddenly, Huang Yin turned her head and gently rested her head on his shoulder.
…
The next morning, Li Sheng went to the restaurant Huang Yin had mentioned. The boss had a good chat with him and started introducing him to various parts of the restaurant. Just when he was about to be hired smoothly, the boss came out from the back room and told him that he was not suitable and rejected him.
Li Sheng knew without a second thought that Feng Hui was behind it. He called Zhao Cheng to find out what was going on, and Zhao Cheng, out of a last shred of their hometown ties, told him to leave. Feng Hui wasn't particularly capable, but he had a boss and extensive connections, making it easy for him to make it impossible for Li Sheng to stay in this area. He figured no restaurant would want to hire him now.
Zhao Cheng: "The world is vast, you can survive anywhere, just don't stay here. He won't block you anymore, but he told us that he'll beat you every time he sees you. You, sigh... this matter is about over—we all know you live in a shantytown now, so don't walk into the line of fire."
After hanging up the phone, Li Sheng's heart turned cold again. Li Jiazong had given him a thousand yuan, but after deducting rent and food expenses, the money was dwindling little by little, and he couldn't find a way out.
Back in his rented room, he was shivering with cold. There was no heating; back in his hometown, he could heat a kang (a traditional heated bed), but in this apartment, it was impossible. He curled up on the bed when suddenly his phone vibrated. He sat up abruptly. The number was unfamiliar, but Li Sheng's heart suddenly raced; it was likely Li Jiacong calling.
He answered the phone and heard a familiar voice; tears almost welled up in his eyes. It had been so long, so very long since he'd heard Li Jiacong's voice.
"Li Sheng, that's me. Li Jiacong."
As if it were a formal introduction, Li Sheng asked uneasily, "How...how are you?"
Li Jiacong's voice was unusually cold: "I'm fine. How about you?"
Li Sheng: "I'm fine. Everything's alright. I want to come see you."
Li Jiacong fell silent, a silence that instantly sent chills down Li Sheng's spine. He asked again, "Is it alright? I'd like to come see you. When are you free?"
"Li Sheng, I'm sorry."
"What?"
"Shall we leave it at that for now?"
Li Sheng fell silent. He heard Li Jiacong's slightly shimmering, almost electric voice say, "I might actually be quite immoral, I'm really sorry to you, Li Sheng. This kind of relationship isn't good for either of us."
“I know!” Li Sheng interrupted him, “but we…”
Everything was fine before. Li Sheng understood: "Is it because your aunt and uncle found out? Did they scold you?"
Li Jiacong remained silent, tacitly agreeing.
Li Sheng: "You haven't wronged me. If you think you're immoral, then I'm the same, only worse than you."
Li Jiacong: "You don't understand anything."
"I understand! I know my name and your surname. But I just like you!" Li Sheng said, his voice trembling with emotion. "Don't feel guilty."
Li Jiacong was silent for a long time before saying, "I'm happy when I'm with you, but the further we go, the more panicked I become. I'm scared. I've been thinking about this for a long time today, and now I finally understand. I'm not as free as I thought. The condition for my freedom is to obey my parents and follow their path. Only then can I be willful. I thought I always wanted to escape, but now I realize that it's because I don't want to stray too far from that path."
"So, have I held you back? I could choose not to appear in front of your parents. I could, you could say it was my choice, I could choose not to see you, and this time I didn't."
Their true feelings were different. In comparison, Li Jiacong saw his own hypocrisy. The huge sense of guilt came from the very beginning. At the beginning, he was just playing around and never thought about going all the way with Li Sheng. But the further they went, the more serious this play became. Neither of them could escape from love and desire. Li Sheng, on the other hand, was always compromising himself because he loved him. He loved him humbly and purely.
Li Jiacong said, "But it's wrong for us to be together. I'm sorry."
Li Sheng replied, "I'll wait for you."
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