Chapter 36: Cast aside worries, cast aside expectations...
***
Shengnuo Auto Repair.
Cars sped along the roadside, and a row of low-rise auto repair shops had piles of tires in front of them, the ground stained with dirt. The rooms inside were like steamers, and Li Sheng was practically cooked in them.
He used the money he had saved from working for years to take over a shop next to the train station, so he could work for himself and earn more money. This was his plan. However, an unexpected variable appeared: Li Jiacong.
He squeezed into this small room with him.
Li Sheng had just finished cleaning the parts when he glanced at Li Jiacong, who was wearing glasses and reading a book, and then went to pick up the packaging he had just thrown away while eating: "You think I'm not tired enough?"
Li Jiacong sat up from the small bed: "If you ask me, I'll pay for you to go somewhere bigger. What kind of place is this? You have to bow and scrape when you walk in."
Li Sheng didn't react much. He looked around and saw that the place was small and old, but he said, "I like it here."
Li Jiacong's lips twitched, and he joked, "Don't want to be a kept man?"
Li Sheng glared at him.
"What do you want to eat tonight?" Li Jiacong crossed his legs. "Order, I'll cook for you."
Li Sheng sat down on the edge of the small bed and said, "I'm not eating."
Li Jiacong craned his neck to glance at him, and judging from Li Sheng's expression, he didn't seem angry. After looking at him, he shrank back and felt incredibly stupid. When did he become so sensitive? So afraid of Li Sheng?
He reached out to touch Li Sheng's arm. It was so hot in the summer, and a thin layer of sweat clung to his skin. As soon as he touched it, his hand wouldn't come down. He joked, "Hey, you're stuck to me."
Li Sheng said indifferently, "It's so hot, stop fooling around."
Li Jiacong chuckled: "How do you know me so well? I just touched you."
Li Sheng turned his head to look at him: "You don't have anything else to do besides that."
Li Jiacong shook his head: "That sounds very vulgar."
He got up to hug Li Sheng. The small, draft-free room reminded Li Jiacong of Li Sheng's rural house. The same summer, the same heat. He kissed Li Sheng's neck and heard Li Sheng sigh softly, a sigh of helplessness towards him. He then kicked the door shut.
Li Sheng took off his shirt and looked at Li Jiacong's expression, which was full of lust. He asked himself more than once why he was so obsessed with this thing.
From that day on, he could never shake off Li Jiacong again. It was as if the events of fourteen years ago were playing out once more. However, he was the one playing Li Jiacong's role. He only needed to beckon with his finger, and Li Jiacong would come running over. He didn't need to make a phone call, and Li Jiacong didn't bother him or interfere too much in his life.
Li Jiacong kissed him as he said, "We're making celery dumplings tonight."
Li Sheng thought for a moment and said, "Whatever."
Li Jiacong noticed: "Is something wrong?"
Li Sheng hesitated for a moment before saying, "It's nothing."
“Alright,” Li Jiacong said, “then let’s get down to business.”
…
That evening, Li Jiacong sat on the back of Li Sheng's electric scooter, cruising back to Li Sheng's house. Li Jiacong was jolted along and laughed, his laughter coming in fits and starts. Li Sheng was puzzled and didn't know what he was laughing about.
When it came to making dumplings, Li Jiacong was quite serious. He prepared the dough and filling, and steamed them quickly. The two of them squeezed into Li Sheng's rented room to eat. Li Jiacong contributed a silent electric fan, but even with it blowing, they were still sweating profusely. After finishing the meal, Li Jiacong collapsed on the sofa, while Li Sheng cleared away the dishes and took them to the kitchen to wash.
Li Jiacong turned his head and saw Li Sheng with his head down, his hands quickly washing the dishes. The sunset and clouds outside the window were a beautiful backdrop. He suddenly raised his phone and took a picture. Overwhelmed by the nostalgia and novelty of finding something lost again, Li Jiacong said contentedly, "You're so special..."
Before he could finish speaking, the door lock suddenly made the sound of a key turning. Li Jiacong was stunned, his gaze turning towards the doorway directly in front of him. Li Sheng, who had turned off the tap, had also heard it, immediately put down the bowl in his hand, and ran over to open the door.
The door was opened first—
At first, Li Jiacong didn't see anyone, but he heard footsteps and a child's voice calling out to Li Sheng, "Dad!"
Li Jiacong froze, only then seeing a half-grown child bury himself in Li Sheng's arms.
Boy: "We're back early! I missed you so much!" Behind the boy, a simply dressed but very beautiful woman walked in, carrying a large backpack: "Li Nuo! Take off your shoes before you come in..."
She walked in with a warm smile, but when she turned her gaze to Li Jiacong, her expression froze instantly.
Li Sheng stammered, feeling like he'd been caught doing something wrong, and forced himself to remain calm: "You're back? No, weren't you supposed to be back the day after tomorrow?"
The boy answered quickly: "School let out early, only half a day of school! So Mom bought the nearest train ticket."
The woman shifted her gaze from Li Jiacong to Li Sheng, her tone strangely polite: "A guest?"
The boy tilted his head, meeting Li Jiacong's gaze. Li Sheng turned his face slightly, as if wanting to introduce them, but couldn't find the words.
From Li Jiacong's perspective, the three people stood in a harmonious triangle, and Li Jiacong suddenly felt superfluous.
He forgot. He forgot that Li Sheng hadn't lied; Li Sheng wasn't good at lying. He had said he had... a girlfriend.
Li Jiacong could no longer maintain his awkward, stiff smile. He stood up from the sofa and walked over step by step.
He forced himself to be a friend, forced himself to be cheerful. That's how relationships that don't exist in the open are. He said, "I won't bother you any longer, I'm leaving now."
The atmosphere was eerily quiet. Li Sheng simply stood there, not uttering a word, listening to Li Jiacong's disordered footsteps fade into the distance.
"Aren't you going to call him back?" Huang Yin asked, putting down her son's schoolbag.
Li Sheng shook his head.
After a long silence, the boy called out "Dad" again. Only then did Li Sheng compose himself, look down at Li Nuo, smile, and say, "Son, how did your exam go?"
Outside the door, Li Jiacong felt a wave of nausea; he felt disgusted with himself.
"Serves me right," Li Jiacong cursed himself.
Just experience it for yourself; how disgusting a relationship can be without the other person's love.
***2002
He and Li Jiacong remained in a semi-disconnected state, having not spoken on the phone since their last meeting. His days of shrinking in his rented room made him increasingly taciturn, as if he had reached a dead end, yet he still refused to give up.
Because Li Jiacong lives in this city, he doesn't want to leave.
The only consolation was that Huang Yin would occasionally visit. Li Sheng had given her a key, and when she came, Huang Yin would buy some groceries and cook a meal. However, Huang Yin's cooking skills were poor, and the food she served looked particularly dark in color, oily and yellowish.
"I failed again this time, and I wasted all my time." Huang Yin said with shame, "I will definitely practice harder in the future."
Li Sheng handed her the cooked rice: "It's alright, but the presentation isn't great. I'll make it next time."
Huang Yin pouted and turned to look out the window. Snowflakes were falling outside. It was cold outside, and cold inside too; every breath she exhaled created white mist. Huang Yin stood there, hands tucked in, lost in thought.
Li Sheng took a couple of bites of rice, glanced at Huang Yin, and asked, "Why aren't you eating?"
Huang Yin: "It's almost Chinese New Year, Li Sheng."
Li Sheng hummed in agreement. Time flies; he had been here for almost half a year.
Huang Yin rested her chin on her hand: "How about we celebrate the New Year together?"
Li Sheng paused for a moment and then said, "Okay."
There was no one home, not even him or Huang Yin, so it was just right for the two of them to spend time together. Huang Yin laughed and said, "Then let's eat out! Let's eat something good—dumplings! I know a really good dumpling restaurant, but it's a bit expensive, near Yun Ji."
She got up and skillfully took out paper and pen from the bedside drawer, ready to write: "It's not too much to splurge a little during the New Year. Let's order a few more dishes. What do you want to eat? Everyone says that you need to make reservations in advance for the New Year's Eve dinner."
Li Sheng smiled and said, "Anything is fine with me, you decide. It's on me."
"You can say whatever you want, but let's make this clear first, I don't need you to treat me. We'll split it 50/50, okay?" Huang Yin said as she wrote, "I'll order a shredded pork with garlic sauce..."
Huang Yin's hand holding the pen was a little stiff, and she wrote in a halting manner. She wrote three dishes and showed them to Li Sheng. Almost every name had a typo. Li Sheng smiled, took the pen, and corrected them.
Huang Yin: "It's agreed that you'll pick me up from get off work on New Year's Eve."
Knowing that Li Sheng had a lot of unpleasant experiences at Yunji, she immediately added, "Wait for me in the alley next to the back door. I'll come out a little early."
Li Sheng nodded, and Huang Yin took out a stack of couplets from her bag: "These were given out by the shop. Think about putting them up. Let's celebrate together."
Li Sheng smiled and took it, but the smile was fleeting. Over the past month, Huang Yin had noticed that Li Sheng's smile had become increasingly faint, his hair had grown longer, and he seemed listless. Huang Yin said, "Let me cut your hair, but you can't get a haircut during the Lunar New Year."
Li Sheng's eyes widened slightly: "You can cut?"
Huang Yin: "I learned by watching how others cut hair. I'll bring scissors next time to cut yours. Um, your brother, is he spending the New Year with you?"
Li Sheng shook his head: "No."
Huang Yin tentatively asked, "What's going on between you and him? I haven't heard you mention him in a long time."
Li Sheng didn't have the strength to explain all this. It was as if he couldn't bring himself to mention that name. It was weighed down in his heart and became very heavy: "He's in school. He must be very busy."
It was almost Chinese New Year, and the students were already on holiday. But Li Sheng had completely lost track of time. Huang Yin didn't ask any further questions.
-
On the last day of therapy, Li Jiacong had gone from initial aversion to calm. He appeared very compliant, almost as if he had been brainwashed. Li Jiacong tried to see everything from the perspective his therapist had given him, stepping back to look at things from a different angle. The pain had indeed lessened considerably; he no longer had to feel caught between his parents, no longer had to weigh the pros and cons, and no longer had to question or belittle himself.
I went back to that carefree attitude, but this only lasted a few hours. When I woke up, the pain was no less intense. It was all just self-deception.
He was conflicted and exhausted.
On the last day, the counselor seemed to have nothing else to talk about. Seeing Li Jiacong staring out the window, she asked, "Do you really want to go out and find that person?"
Li Jiacong turned around and said, "I haven't been in touch for a long time, I wonder how he is." He paused and then added, "Just out of ordinary concern."
The teacher smiled and said, "This is the last class today. I'll ask you one last question: What does Li Sheng mean to you?" She didn't talk about their relationship, but only asked about Li Sheng as a person and his feelings for Li Sheng.
"I've already said it. He and I..."
Li Jiacong confessed to the counselor about his shamelessness, admitting that he had become entangled with Li Sheng due to impulsiveness, boredom, curiosity, and other factors, but these things were not sustainable. The counselor said, "Your previous answers were ineffective because you felt guilty after being criticized. I'm asking about your true thoughts and feelings, about him as a person, and about your relationship with him."
Li Jiacong closed his eyes: "I don't know."
"This is the last question. Put aside all other concerns and the opinions of others, and only look at the other person," the counselor said. "Ask yourself carefully."
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