[Bonus Chapter 4] The Brocade Zither (Part 2)
[Bonus Chapter 4] The Brocade Zither (Part 2)
Xu Fengyan groggily woke up from the dressing table, propped himself up, and looked down at the hairpin Tang Feng had given him. His mind went blank for a long time before he finally smiled and said, "Tang Feng... if you hadn't sent me that letter... I probably wouldn't have hesitated to do it."
Over the years, Xu Fengyan had never stopped hunting down Tang Feng, but Tang Feng eventually went to Lishan Academy, forcing Xu Fengyan to stop. On the day Xu Chang'an left, Xu Fengyan returned to the Xu residence. Xu Chang'an was outside instructing servants, and upon seeing him return, nodded. Ever since Xu Fengyan learned that his relationship with Xu Chang'an was doomed, the two had grown distant. Xu Fengyan intentionally or unintentionally avoided Xu Chang'an's concern, and Xu Chang'an assumed it was just shyness from growing up, and from then on, he didn't inquire about his affairs as he had in his childhood. Now, their relationship was more like master and servant than brothers. Xu Fengyan watched as Xu Chang'an packed his things and carried them one by one towards the carriage. "Young Master... are you going to Lishan Academy?" Xu Fengyan felt a little awkward for some reason. If he hadn't returned today, wouldn't he haven't seen Xu Chang'an for three years? Why didn't he tell him he was leaving? But then he thought, why should the young master tell a servant about his affairs?
“Yes, let’s put Tang Feng’s matter on hold for now. I need to go see him first.” Xu Chang’an checked the items without looking at Xu Fengyan, then said, “You survived three assassination attempts? You just couldn’t bring yourself to do it?” Xu Fengyan knew Xu Chang’an was angry, so he shrank back and explained, “No… I failed, and Tang Feng had someone protecting him…” “That’s not an excuse! Do you know how much this will delay things?! If the Fourth Prince holds us accountable, we’ll both be dead.” Xu Chang’an suppressed his anger and continued, “I really shouldn’t have sent you in back then.” Xu Fengyan lowered his head, feeling very wronged, but Xu Chang’an was angry, so he didn’t dare to speak and could only stand aside. “Go!” Seeing Xu Chang’an wave his hand impatiently, Xu Fengyan hesitated for a moment, then left. Xu Fengyan didn’t know how to handle their relationship. Clearly, they weren’t even like brothers anymore; all they had was a master-servant relationship.
Three years passed since Xu Fengyan left for Lishan Academy. He knew that Xu Chang'an had sent letters back to the Xu family one after another, but none of them were addressed to him, not even a single word. He knew that if he were asked to do something, the Prime Minister Xu would definitely summon him, but he didn't. So he spent his days dressing up, receiving guests, and seeing them off, endlessly repeating the same routine. At first, he was very disgusted by others teasing him, but he gradually got used to it. Xu Fengyan had a premonition that he would probably end up like his mother, except that his mother and father had at least had a moment of love and tenderness, while he and Xu Chang'an would never have a chance in this life.
"Jiuhua, Young Master Tang from Xiling has written to you." Hearing the madam knocking, Xu Fengyan quickly put on his veil. Opening the door, he saw the madam smiling and stuffing the letter into his arms. "Young Master Tang still cares about you. Look, even after going to the academy, he didn't forget to write to you. Make the most of this opportunity; he's a regular customer, a big spender!" Xu Fengyan smiled, took the letter, and nodded. "Don't worry, Madam." After seeing the madam off, Xu Fengyan stared at the letter, not opening it for a long time. He didn't know what trick Tang Feng had played. Ever since Tang Feng orchestrated his entrapment in the south of the city, where he was secretly arrested, Xu Fengyan had become wary of Tang Feng. But after opening the letter, Xu Fengyan froze. This wasn't a trap at all; it was clearly a letter asking for help. The letter seemed to say that Tang Feng didn't know whether to agree to be with Zhou Ziliang, so he was asking for his opinion. Xu Fengyan didn't understand why he would ask for his opinion when he had barely spoken to Tang Feng. Xu Fengyan picked up his pen and wrote, "Thank you for your kindness, young master, but I don't know how to deal with Jiu Hua either." He was about to put the letter in the envelope when he stopped. Was what he was doing... a little inappropriate? Tang Feng had liked Zhou Ziliang so much back then, and now Zhou Ziliang liked him, but he had forgotten his past feelings. If this letter caused them to be forever separated, to forget each other... Xu Fengyan sat down and pondered for a moment, then gave a bitter laugh. "I don't even know where my own heart is going, yet I'm helping others. How utterly ridiculous!" He picked up another sheet of paper from the table and wrote, "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, for ye may ye have no flowers left to pluck." Finally, he put the letter in and sighed, "Tang Feng, I hope you and Zhou Ziliang can be happy... Ha, what nonsense am I talking about? Anyway, I'm going to kill you soon."
Following the address Tang Feng had given him in his letter, Xu Fengyan went to Daze. In the dead of night, after much waiting, he waited until Tang Feng and Zhou Ziliang separated. He quietly rode his horse closer, slowly drawing his bow, but his right hand hesitated to release it. He knew that one arrow would kill Tang Feng instantly, but then he thought that Tang Feng and Zhou Ziliang might have just confessed their feelings for each other. If he did this, wouldn't he be breaking up a loving couple? But then Xu Fengyan heard Zhou Ziliang's voice, so he had no choice but to release the arrow off course, grazing Tang Feng's neck. Xu Chang'an didn't know about that assassination attempt, and Xu Fengyan didn't want to tell Xu Chang'an.
The ointment had probably worn off, and his shoulder began to ache again. Looking at the hairpin Tang Feng had given him, Xu Fengyan had to admit that he envied Tang Feng and Zhou Ziliang. Since Qin Liuliu's wrongful killing, Tang Feng's health had been deteriorating. Xu Fengyan knew Tang Feng wouldn't live much longer, and perhaps that was why he couldn't bring himself to do it. If he didn't have his current identity, perhaps he would have become friends with Tang Feng, but what could he decide? He hadn't even sorted out his own feelings.
A month after his injury healed, Xu Fengyan found Xu Chang'an again. Seeing his cold face, and then looking up at the letter before seeing Xu Fengyan, he asked, "What's wrong? Why are you back so late?" Xu Fengyan didn't know how to answer. Should he say he missed him and came? Or should he say this was once his home? But the words remained unspoken, and he simply shook his head. "Nothing, I just suddenly dreamt of the poem you taught me, called 'The Brocade Zither'..."
"Really? I don't quite remember." Xu Chang'an was clearly very busy and didn't listen carefully to Xu Fengyan's words. Xu Fengyan lowered his head and smiled bitterly, "It's alright. If you're busy, I won't bother you any longer." Xu Fengyan walked out of the study and stood at the door for a long time, not leaving. He didn't know why, even though he knew very well that Xu Chang'an wouldn't like him, why his heart still ached so much, a pain that felt like it had been torn apart and couldn't be pieced back together. Tang Feng, did you also long for this kind of love that was unanswered and never heard from? But you got what you deserved, and I will never get it. Xu Fengyan had a bad feeling. He knew that since the assassination attempt on Wan Liang, Tang Feng had figured out most of his identity. If that was the case, he probably wouldn't live much longer.
Xu Fengyan's guess was correct. Tang Feng quickly uncovered the truth, even alarming the Empress Dowager. The investigation traced back to Rong Ji. When Xu Fengyan learned he had to die for the Xu family, the anger that had been building up inside him finally dissipated. Back at Qinghui Fang, he suddenly began practicing calligraphy. He didn't know what he was writing, but he suddenly wrote down his name. "Mother," he said, "he said my name Feng means unstoppable, upright, and unrestrained. Yan means longevity and continuous prosperity. But I don't think so now. I've heard that everyone becomes wind after death, escaping the sea of suffering, riding the wind and protecting those around them. So, have you always been by my side? Therefore, I feel that my name isn't about freedom and longevity; it should be the continuation of the wind, your hope. But I'm sorry, Mother, I won't live to die a natural death."
Xu Fengyan was eventually sent to prison. He knew that his two days of barely surviving were bought with Tang Feng's help, but he didn't want to live anymore. He had had enough of love and family in this life. Leaning against the wall, he closed his eyes and murmured, "The brocade zither has fifty strings for no reason, each string and each bridge evokes thoughts of bygone years. Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly, and the Emperor Wang's heart was entrusted to the cuckoo. The moon shines brightly over the sea, pearls weep; the sun warms the jade of Lantian, smoke rises... This feeling can only be recalled in memory, for at the time it was already a regret." Then tears slid down his cheeks. He looked up and listened to the birds chirping by the window. "Brother... what does the last sentence mean? I didn't even have time to ask you. I actually understand this poem. It's you who doesn't understand it, isn't it? At first reading, you don't understand the meaning of the poem; upon second reading, you become the person in the poem. No wonder you said you didn't understand it. You never saw through my feelings for you..."
What was Xu Fengyan thinking before he died? Perhaps he was wondering what the meaning of his existence had been in his short twenty-three years. Was it to hope that his mother could be included in the imperial clan? Or to gain the approval of Prime Minister Xu? Or perhaps to be able to stay by Xu Chang'an's side? But he didn't care about any of that anymore. He knew that after he died, he would become the wind, and when the wind blew, it could gently caress the ends of Xu Chang'an's hair. That was enough for him.
"Young Master, if I die, will you be sad for me?"
"Of course I will, you're my brother."
"Oh, I'd be really happy then."
So Tang Feng, don't tell him I'm dead. I'm afraid he'll be sad.
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