[Bonus Chapter 4] Jinse (Part 2)
Learning from the servants that he had been at the Xu residence for over a month, Xu Fengyan had no idea how he had endured it all. He only knew that after being brought out by Xu Chang'an, he had stayed in his small room without ever going out. Xu Chang'an would occasionally come to see him, but would only offer a few hurried words of advice before leaving. Just when Xu Fengyan thought he would be staying there forever, Xu Chang'an arrived. This time, he had a servant bring him freshly steamed buns. Seeing that Xu Fengyan looked much better, Xu Chang'an asked, "I haven't asked before, but I wanted to ask your name this time." Xu Fengyan shuddered, remembering how the Prime Minister had knocked him to the ground after he gave his name last time. He was afraid that this older brother would suffer the same fate. Seeing Xu Fengyan's unusual expression, Xu Chang'an guessed what he meant and closed his fan, saying, "You don't need to be afraid. I know your background; I just want to ask your name."
"Aren't you angry?"
"What do I have to be angry about?" Xu Chang'an smiled. "You're just my half-brother. I won't do anything to you because of that. Father treats you this way because he's concerned about saving face, but I have no reason to. You can live here, it's fine with me." Seeing that Xu Chang'an's expression was normal, Xu Fengyan said softly, "My name is Xu Fengyan, Feng as in autumn wind, Yan as in continuation." Xu Chang'an took a pen and ink from the table and handed them to Xu Fengyan, saying, "Write down your name so I can see." Xu Fengyan couldn't write, but he didn't dare to disobey Xu Chang'an. Afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and having to go back to the cage, he could only pick up the brush and grit his teeth to write. After a moment, Xu Fengyan stopped writing, his eyes fixed on the steamed bun on the table. Seeing this, Xu Chang'an handed him the bun, then looked at the Xuan paper Xu Fengyan had scribbled on, and then at Xu Fengyan who was wolfing down his food. "Can't you write your name?" Xu Fengyan put down the bun and shook his head. Then, afraid that Xu Chang'an would think he was impolite and throw him back into the cage, he whispered, "My mother didn't teach me."
Xu Chang'an looked at his younger brother, who was four or five years younger than him, lost in thought. Then he said, "Your mother gave you such a good name, why didn't she teach you to write?" "My mother..." Xu Fengyan thought of his mother and began to sob softly, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. "My mother fell ill a long time ago, and couldn't even hold a pen. The women in the neighborhood said my mother had a hard life, confined to a brothel her whole life." Xu Chang'an looked at the scribbles Xu Fengyan had made on the paper, picked up a brush from the table, and said, "Fengyan... Feng means unstoppable, upright, and unrestrained. Yan means longevity and continued prosperity." Seeing that Xu Fengyan didn't understand, he explained as he wrote, "Simply put, your mother probably hoped you would have a long and happy life." Xu Chang'an placed the written name in front of Xu Fengyan. "Remember it, this is your name." Then, after thinking for a moment, he asked again, "Do you wish..." "Do you want to go to the private school?" Xu Fengyan hesitated for a moment, then nodded. He knew that his older brother, who was a few years older than him, wouldn't hurt him. Xu Chang'an patted Xu Fengyan's shoulder and then said, "Your identity is sensitive. I'm afraid Father won't agree to you going with me. So, you can come to the private school with me as my page. Also... this room is yours from now on. You can go back and get your things back." Xu Fengyan smiled while holding the steamed bun. "Then I'll go in a bit. If my mother over there knows that someone is so kind to me, she will be at ease." Xu Chang'an couldn't help but feel sorry for him after hearing this. He told a servant to find Xu Fengyan a half-new set of clothes. After all, he was going back to the brothel, and if he was dressed so tatteredly, anyone would know that he wasn't doing well. Xu Chang'an shook his head. Perhaps Xu Fengyan wasn't suitable to stay in the Xu family. He was too simple-minded and kind. He had a habit of following whoever was kind to him. He didn't know who he got it from.
Xu Fengyan ran all the way back to Wanchun Lane after leaving the Xu residence. The madam, seeing him return, scolded, "You little rascal, what are you running around for? Where have you been all these days? I thought you'd died out there!" Xu Fengyan chuckled, scratching his head, and said, "I went to the Xu residence and found a brother. He's very kind to me and even let me stay there." As he spoke, Xu Fengyan unpacked his things. The madam, seeing how much thinner Xu Fengyan had become, knew he hadn't gained anything from the Xu residence. Leaning against the door, she fanned herself and sighed, "You child, why did you do this?" "What? Work for me as a servant, and I can protect you. Your mother has had a hard life, but she always loved you. If she knew you were suffering at the Xu mansion, she'd be heartbroken." Xu Fengyan smiled after hearing this. "I can disown my father, but my mother must be registered in the imperial clan." He then tied his bundle to himself and said to the madam, "Mama, thank you for taking care of me all these years. If I'm doing well, I'll definitely take care of your family often." The madam watched Xu Fengyan neatly pack his things and leave the brothel, then sighed, "Sigh, it's not for anything else, it's just his mannerisms. How come he's so much like your mother?"
Xu Fengyan attended private school with Xu Chang'an for two or three years. Although he lacked formal education, he was very clever. As a page, he could only accompany Xu Chang'an in his studies, but over the years he learned a great deal. Regardless of his background, he had never gone hungry while staying with Xu Chang'an. Xu Chang'an would often stay up late studying, and Xu Fengyan would light the lamp and grind ink for him until the wee hours. "The brocade zither has fifty strings for no reason, each string and each bridge a memory of bygone years..." Xu Fengyan was no longer as timid as he had been as a child and was much more natural in front of Xu Chang'an. Xu Chang'an turned to look at Xu Fengyan and placed the book in front of him. "The brocade zither has fifty strings, each string like a dream, each one a memory. It's alright if you don't understand, you're still young, and I don't understand either." Xu Fengyan turned to look at the poem in the book: "The brocade zither has fifty strings for no reason, each string and each bridge a memory of bygone years. Zhuangzi's dream..."
If only things could stay like this forever... If only we could stay frozen in that moment forever.
"Zhuangzi dreamt he was a butterfly, and the Emperor Wang's heart was entrusted to the cuckoo..." Xu Fengyan murmured as he woke up. Instead of the young Xu Chang'an, he was accompanied by the nearly burnt-out candlelight in the room. The sharp pain in his shoulder returned. Xu Fengyan touched his sweaty forehead, noticing his wound was still infected and he had a fever. He closed his eyes and gave a bitter smile.
"I was so foolish to think I could spend my life with you, only to find it was all a pipe dream." He knew years ago that Xu Chang'an and he could never be together, yet like his mother, he knew the flowers would never bloom, but he still clung to hope. Xu Fengyan opened his mouth, his lips chapped and bleeding from lack of water, but he didn't care. His voice was hoarse, like a trapped beast. "The moon shines brightly over the sea, pearls weep; the sun warms the fields of Lantian, jade emits smoke..." What came after that? Xu Fengyan sat up, pressing his burning temples, and staggered to the dressing table. He took a sip of water, then smiled, panting. "I couldn't understand Jinse, simply because I was young. But young master, why can't you understand Jinse?"
After Xu Fengyan turned ten, a storm of controversy arose in the court over the succession. Ever since Li Yunrui was enfeoffed as a prince, most people had followed Prince Duan, their opinions swaying back and forth. That day, when Prime Minister Xu had been away from the palace for a long time, Xu Fengyan followed behind Xu Chang'an and asked, "Why hasn't Father returned?" Xu Chang'an shook his head and then told him, "In private, you and I can call him Father, but in front of outsiders, you must call him Master." Xu Fengyan covered his mouth and smiled. He knew Xu Chang'an was very good to him and would often accommodate him. He quickly nodded in agreement, "Don't worry, I won't let anything slip in front of outsiders, and I won't cause you any trouble." Xu Fengyan had never called Xu Chang'an "brother" before. He didn't know why, but in his heart, Xu Chang'an far surpassed his biological father. He hoped that after his mother's marriage, he, as the second son of the Xu family, could openly call him "brother." Xu Chang'an patted his shoulder and then asked, "The Xu family isn't as stable as you think. Sometimes, we are all pawns, forced to act as players."
Are you one too?
"We are all..."
It was late at night when Prime Minister Xu returned. Xu Fengyan was practically dragged awake by a servant, who told him he had to see the Prime Minister. Xu Fengyan immediately perked up and whispered, "Master wants my mother..." "Shut up! Do you want to disturb the young master's rest?" Xu Fengyan quickly covered his mouth and followed the servant to the main hall. Seeing the Prime Minister sitting in the main seat, he hesitated for a moment before kneeling down. "Father... Master..." Prime Minister Xu put down his teacup, waved for the servant to leave, and then looked at Xu Fengyan. "Your mother is of lowly status and is destined not to enter the ancestral hall of my Xu family. As for you, I have raised you for three or four years. Are you willing to contribute to my Xu family?"
Xu Fengyan tilted his head and thought for a moment, "Can...I help him?"
"Him? Who is that?"
"Chang... Chang'an"
"Of course," Prime Minister Xu said, his expression softening as he stood up. "I want to place you among the Sixteen Riders of Yanshan as my informant. Of course, this is also my son's wish."
"If that's his wish... I'm willing."
The next morning, Xu Fengyan, wearing a mask, ran into Xu Chang'an's study, startling him. Xu Fengyan removed the mask, grinned at Xu Chang'an, revealing a pair of tiger teeth, and said, "Hehe, it's me." Xu Chang'an frowned, looking at the mask in Xu Fengyan's hand. "Did Father talk to you about that matter?" Xu Fengyan nodded. Xu Chang'an sighed. "If you don't want to, that's fine. This doesn't necessarily have to be you." But Xu Fengyan didn't care. He lowered his head and pondered for a moment. "If you asked me to go, I would definitely agree." Xu Fengyan had already said this much... Chang'an stopped trying to dissuade him and picked up the ancient book again, saying as he read, "Then go report back tomorrow. It's much harder there than here, and you probably won't be back for a while. I'll have the kitchen bring you some food; cook something special if you get hungry." Hearing that he wouldn't see Xu Chang'an for a long time, Xu Fengyan suddenly felt a pang of sadness, a void in his heart. After a long pause, he finally managed to say, "Then... I... I'll miss home." Xu Fengyan wanted to say "I'll miss you," but he stammered and couldn't get the words out. After all, what was his role in saying that? Younger brother? Friend? Or master and servant? Xu Chang'an put down his pen and smiled slightly. "It won't be long, probably only three or four months. You'll be back soon. But remember, don't mention anything about the Xu family to outsiders. For the sake of the Xu family, you must keep your mouth shut."
Xu Fengyan didn't know what he would do in the future, only that he couldn't mention Xu Chang'an or the Xu family outside. He was taken to a horse farm, where he was taught horseback riding and archery, followed by sword and spear fighting. Lan Chi was very strict, training them every day until they couldn't straighten their backs or walk properly, but Xu Fengyan persevered. Through the changing seasons, Xu Fengyan didn't stay for only three or four months as Xu Chang'an had said, but instead stayed for a whole year before returning home.
That year, Xu Fengyan not only grew taller but also became increasingly handsome. That day, Xu Fengyan rode his horse back to the Xu residence, galloping straight to Xu Chang'an's room. He hadn't seen Xu Chang'an for so long, his heart was itching with longing; for 365 days and nights, he had been restless and unable to eat or sleep. After Xu Fengyan knocked on the door, Xu Chang'an finally came out after a long while. He was startled to see Xu Fengyan, then, noticing his sweaty appearance, he pulled a handkerchief from his robes and handed it to him. Xu Fengyan took it and was about to speak when Xu Chang'an said, "Tired? Go back and rest. I'm very busy here. We'll talk tonight." Before Xu Fengyan could reply, Xu Chang'an closed the door. Xu Fengyan stood at the door for a moment, stunned, then saw several servants standing behind him, speaking coldly to him, "Don't think that just because you were sent away by the master you're some kind of phoenix. The master just wanted to keep you away from the young master. You really think you're something special?" Xu Fengyan didn't understand their meaning and didn't want to argue with them. He was about to turn and leave when he heard someone say, "Even if your mother is registered in the imperial clan, she's still an unfavored illegitimate son. There's a difference between legitimate and illegitimate children. Young Master will be studying at Lishan Academy and will return as an official. How can you be worthy to stand with him? When you see him, you'll have to give him back your 'yours' and 'mine'. Don't forget that your mother isn't registered in the imperial clan yet. You and Young Master are just master and servant." Xu Fengyan stopped in his tracks. Yes, Xu Chang'an had never mentioned these things because he didn't care. But he couldn't be unruly. They were right. If he wasn't well-behaved outside, he would disgrace the Xu family and make Xu Chang'an lose face.
That evening, Xu Chang'an specially instructed the kitchen to prepare several extra dishes for Xu Fengyan. Since he had already eaten with Prime Minister Xu, he was simply there to keep Xu Fengyan company. "Eat quickly. How many days are you staying this time?" Remembering what was said at noon, Xu Fengyan lowered his head and respectfully replied, "About three days, young master." Xu Chang'an was taken aback at first, then frowned. "Who taught you that? The steward outside?" Xu Fengyan quickly shook his head. "No...no, it's just that I feel...I help the Xu family outside, and I used to be your page, so...we should be master and servant." Xu Chang'an didn't say anything more, assuming Xu Fengyan truly thought so. "Just rest well at home these next few days. I'll be going out in a couple of days."
"Going... to Lishan Academy?"
"You even know about Lishan Academy?" Xu Chang'an was somewhat surprised, but he didn't show it. He rested his chin on his hand and said, "The Fourth Prince wants to see me. He'll be conferred the title of King in a few days."
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