Chapter 68
The main building of Sogyokin was bathed in the warm afternoon sun. The bitter scent of herbs mingled with the damp warmth of sulfur, floating heavily in the air.
Su Zhelan leaned against the soft couch by the window, a thick velvet blanket casually draped over her knees.
The afternoon sun shone on his face, which still showed some paleness from his illness, but the lifelessness between his brows was gone, and his eyes were clearer.
He held a well-worn medical book in his hand, but his gaze was not on the pages. Instead, he stared unfocused at the swaying bamboo shadows outside the window, as if deep in thought.
The wound on her wrist, left by repeated blood draws, has now healed, leaving only a light pink, slightly raised scar. It no longer needs to be wrapped in thick gauze; she only needs to apply Su Yan's carefully prepared scar-removing ointment daily.
However, the deeper, more hidden wound in his heart still required daily dressing changes. Now, it was carefully covered with soft cotton cloth, but each breath or slightly larger movement still triggered a sharp, brief sting, a reminder of that unbearable experience. His body had been somewhat weakened; he was easily fatigued, and his spirit wasn't as high as before, but compared to when he first left Hanshui Courtyard, looking as if he could be blown away by a gust of wind, he was much better.
The news of Shengxuan's recovery was like a huge weight finally being lifted off my shoulders.
The tension in Su Zhelan's heart eased.
But what followed was not pure joy, but a deeper, more complex emotion. He knew why Sheng Xuan had acted as bait—to expose the cult lurking in the shadows, to uncover his painful past, and to help him escape the persistent entanglements. Sheng Xuan had stepped into that life-or-death trap for his sake.
When Su Yan angrily cursed Sheng Chi and talked about how Sheng Xuan was tormented by the Gu poison, Su Zhelan felt as if something had clenched her heart.
He leaned against the couch, his eyes closed, but the image of Sheng Xuan's face—always a little impulsive, yet strangely vibrant—was vividly etched in his mind. He could almost picture Sheng Xuan writhing in agony as the poison took effect, how he was being devoured, suffering a fate worse than death…
Ultimately, all of this is because of him.
This realization, like a cold vine, coiled around Su Zhelan's heart, bringing a suffocating, dull pain.
The coldness of Hanshui Courtyard, the humiliation of blood collection, the wounds on his heart... all these pains seemed to be shrouded in a deeper layer of self-blame after learning about Shengxuan's ordeal.
He felt like an ominous source, bringing misfortune to everyone who tried to get close to him or help him. Sheng Xuan's injuries, Sheng Chi's ruthless decisions, Su Yan's rage... all seemed to stem from the filthy blood left behind by his cult.
He forced himself not to recall the details of Hanshui Courtyard. Physical exhaustion reminded him that he needed rest, but the mental burden made it difficult for him to truly relax.
He was even less willing to delve into whether Sheng Xuan knew the truth—what difference would it make if she did know? What difference would it make if she didn't? The price Sheng Xuan had paid for him was already heavy enough. He didn't even harbor much resentment towards Sheng Xuan; instead, he felt a heavy sense of guilt, a guilt that came from "implicating" her.
"Tap, tap tap..."
A very soft knock sounded, tinged with a cautious probing. Su Zhelan's eyelashes trembled, and she turned her gaze from the swaying bamboo shadows to the tightly closed door.
A flicker of understanding crossed his eyes—it was Sheng Xuan. His body tensed almost imperceptibly for a moment, not out of fear or anger, but out of a sense of helplessness and exhaustion as if facing a "creditor."
He was silent for a moment before responding softly, "...Go in."
The door was pushed open a crack. Sheng Xuan appeared in the doorway, but did not step in immediately, only poking half of his body inside.
He washed away the dust of the battlefield and changed into a clean, plain-colored cotton robe. His gaze immediately fell on Su Zhelan on the bed. When he saw her pale but somewhat lively face, and her wrist, which was no longer wrapped in gauze but still bore obvious light pink scars, his pupils suddenly contracted.
Then, his gaze fell on Su Zhelan's slightly heaving chest, covered with a bandage, a reminder of the suffering she had endured. His Adam's apple bobbed violently, and he caught his breath.
He practically shuffled in, his movements stiff, stopping a few steps away from the soft couch, not daring to come any closer.
Silence spread between the two. Sheng Xuan's gaze was fixed on Su Zhelan, his eyes churning with immense pain, helplessness, and an overwhelming sense of guilt.
Su Zhelan calmly looked back at him, her eyes like a bottomless ancient well, calm on the surface but concealing an indescribable weariness and a layer of...unspeakable apology. He didn't speak, but waited quietly.
Sheng Xuan opened his mouth, his throat dry: "Ze Lan... I... I came to see you."
As soon as he finished speaking, the air seemed to grow even heavier. Looking at Su Zhelan's still calm and expressionless face, he felt as if an invisible hand was gripping his heart tightly.
The words he had been pondering in his heart now choked in his chest, fermenting into a surging, bitter ache that rushed to his eyes. He abruptly lowered his head, his shoulders trembling uncontrollably, his voice choked with a breakdown:
"I'm sorry... Zelan! I'm really... really sorry!" Every word seemed to have been uttered with all her strength, and was hoarse and torn.
He suddenly raised his head, his face already streaked with tears: "I don't know anything...like a fool...kept in the dark..." He spoke incoherently, his voice broken and fragmented.
His gaze was uncontrollably fixed on Su Zhelan's chest, and the immense pain instantly overwhelmed him, rendering him speechless. He abruptly bent over, covering his face with his hands, and suppressed sobs escaped through his fingers, muffled and broken. His shoulders heaved violently.
“…I’m a bastard! I deserve to die! I…I wish I could…I wish I could tear off a piece of my own flesh and give it back to you!!” He roared uncontrollably, clenching his fists and pounding his chest.
Looking at the person in front of him who was crying uncontrollably and speaking incoherently, Su Zhelan's composure finally cracked. His tightly pursed lips trembled slightly, and his eyes uncontrollably reddened.
Sheng Xuan's genuine pain and immense self-blame struck Su Zhelan's heart like a heavy hammer.
But what welled up in his heart wasn't the resentment of being understood, but a deeper self-reproach. He was the source! Sheng Xuan's injuries, Sheng Xuan's pain, Sheng Xuan's current breakdown... weren't they all because of him? Because of his shameful past! Sheng Xuan ended up like this because she was trying to help him! What right did he have to resent Sheng Xuan's ignorance? He even felt that Sheng Xuan's current guilt and pain were extra burdens he had imposed on her.
He subconsciously bit his lower lip, a faint taste of blood filling his mouth, forcing back the bitterness that welled up in his throat.
The physical exhaustion surged up amidst the emotional turmoil, and he felt a wave of weariness, but his mind remained unusually clear as he bore the heavy burden of this "burden."
After a long silence, Su Zhelan spoke very slowly, her voice carrying a deep weariness and a barely perceptible hoarseness, but it was clearer than before:
“…It’s all in the past.” He paused, his gaze meeting Sheng Xuan’s eyes, which were filled with pain and self-reproach. His voice carried a complex emotion, as if he had finally made up his mind to speak his heart.
“I know… why you went to be the bait…”
His voice was soft, yet like a pebble thrown into a calm lake, it made Sheng Xuan abruptly stop sobbing, raise her head in disbelief, and look at him with teary eyes.
There was no resentment in Su Zhelan's eyes, only deep weariness and an indescribable apology. He took a deep breath, and a familiar stinging pain came from his chest, causing him to frown slightly, but his voice remained clear: "So... you suffered such severe poisoning... in the end... it was because of me."
These words were like a key, unlocking the floodgates that had been pressing down on Su Zhelan's heart for so long. He looked at Sheng Xuan's eyes, which widened instantly, filled with shock and pain, and his voice trembled slightly, revealing a deeper sense of self-reproach: "It's my fault... that I dragged you into this."
These seemingly casual words pierced Sheng Xuan's heart like the sharpest needle. He abruptly raised his head, his eyes brimming with tears, and shook his head frantically, "No...no...Ze Lan..." His voice choked, and he took a deep breath before managing to speak, his voice low and suppressed, "It was my own idea...it was my own carelessness...it has nothing to do with you."
He remained silent for a moment, as if gathering his courage or trying his best to calm his surging emotions.
Shengxuan moved forward half a step very slowly, with an almost reverent caution.
The step was very light, almost silent, but his gaze was fixed on Su Zhelan's face, capturing any subtle change in her expression—was it disgust? Fear? Or...resistance?
Su Zhelan's face still bore a deep weariness, and her eyes held a complex sense of apology and an inescapable feeling of being a burden.
But the moment Sheng Xuan approached, Su Zhelan's eyelashes trembled almost imperceptibly, and she lowered her gaze slightly, avoiding Sheng Xuan's burning, inquiring gaze.
His body did not show any obvious retraction or tension, but the fingers gripping the medical book seemed to be whiter than before, and his fingertips unconsciously dug into the yellowed pages, leaving deeper dents.
Looking at Su Zhelan's silent profile and her slightly trembling fingertips, Sheng Xuan's determination to protect her grew even stronger. He no longer waited for Su Zhelan's response—that silence itself seemed to be a form of acquiescence, or at least not a rejection.
He slowly straightened his back, his eyes becoming unusually sharp and resolute, his voice still low and restrained, as if he were using all his strength to maintain this calm:
"I swear... Zhelan... I swear to heaven," he slowly raised his right hand, palm facing Su Zhelan, the movement solemn and deliberate, carrying an undeniable power, "From this day forward... my life... is yours... Anyone who dares to touch a hair on your head... will have to step over my dead body first... I... will never let you suffer even a little bit because of me again."
This vow was like a brand, etched into the silent air and into Shengxuan's own heart. He no longer roared, but the weight contained in his deep voice was heavier than any shout.
Su Zhelan finally reacted. Her gaze lifted from her wrist, slowly sweeping over Sheng Xuan's solemnly raised right hand, finally settling on his eyes, which were filled with determination and deep-seated pain. There was no resentment in those eyes, only unfathomable weariness and a... indescribable complex emotion.
Just when Sheng Xuan thought Su Zhelan would remain silent again or simply nod, Su Zhelan spoke slowly and with remarkable clarity. His voice still carried a hint of weariness, yet it was exceptionally steady, even possessing a calm born of desperation:
"I know."
He paused, his gaze meeting Sheng Xuan's eyes, which were instantly filled with shock and anticipation. His voice was soft, yet it was like a stone thrown into a deep pool, creating ripples in the distance:
"I know... you're willing to give me your life."
His gaze became unusually deep, as if he could see right through Sheng Xuan's soul: "Just like... I knew... my life... had long ago..."
He took a deep breath, a familiar stinging pain shooting through his chest, but he didn't frown. Instead, he straightened his back a little, his voice carrying an unprecedented, resolute honesty: "...and I've long...been willing to give it to you."
These words, like a thunderclap, exploded in Sheng Xuan's ears! His eyes widened in disbelief as he stared at Su Zhelan. His heart felt as if it had been struck by something, momentarily stopping before pounding wildly again! Su Zhelan… what did Su Zhelan say?! He said… he was willing to give his life… to him?!
Su Zhelan looked at Sheng Xuan's frozen expression, and saw the shock, ecstasy, disbelief, and even deeper heartache surging in his eyes. It was as if her heart had been torn open by this sudden honesty.
He stopped thinking about those heavy burdens, stopped thinking about who owed whom. At this moment, he only wanted the boy in front of him, who had suffered for him, sworn for him, and was willing to give everything for him, to understand.
"boom--!"
Sheng Xuan's mind went blank! All the pain, guilt, and self-blame were shattered at this moment by Su Zhelan's sudden, blunt, and almost cruel response!
He was struck by a mixture of immense happiness and overwhelming heartache at the same time, his body swayed violently, and he almost lost his balance!
He could no longer restrain himself! That half-step distance was instantly bridged!
Sheng Xuan pressed his forehead against Su Zhelan's hand, and his scalding tears instantly soaked Su Zhelan's cool skin. The burning heat seemed to scorch through her skin and reach her soul.
Su Zhelan did not break free. He looked down at Sheng Xuan, who was kneeling in front of him, crying like a child, at his hand gripping his wrist tightly, his knuckles turning white from the force, at his shoulders trembling uncontrollably from the immense emotional shock, and felt the violent trembling and overwhelming sorrow.
With her other hand, she slowly, hesitantly, but finally firmly raised it and gently placed it on Shengxuan's violently heaving back.
The movement was very gentle, with a soothing tone. Through the thin cotton cloth, one could clearly feel the tension and trembling of Sheng Xuan's back.
This simple action, however, was like a pardon, completely shattering Shengxuan's last line of defense.
Sheng Xuan suddenly raised his head, looking at Su Zhelan through teary eyes. Then, without a second thought, he buried his face in Su Zhelan's knees, his hands still tightly gripping Su Zhelan's wrists, as if they were his only salvation.
The long-suppressed sobs, a mixture of ecstasy, heartache, relief, and immense grievance, finally erupted without restraint. They were no longer suppressed whimpers, but a wailing cry like a caged beast breaking free, as if to release all the fear, grievances, and pain of these past days, as well as the belated understanding and response that had finally arrived.
Su Zhelan's hand continued to gently pat Sheng Xuan's trembling back. He didn't speak, but silently endured Sheng Xuan's surging emotions.
Sunlight streamed through the window, falling on the two of them and casting their shadows on the ground, overlapping each other. The air was filled with the fresh scent of herbs and the damp warmth of sulfur, along with Sheng Xuan's undisguised, emotionally charged sobs.
After an unknown amount of time, Sheng Xuan's heart-wrenching cries gradually subsided, turning into intermittent sobs. He remained buried in Su Zhelan's knees, his shoulders trembling slightly, but the grip on Su Zhelan's wrist finally loosened a little.
He slowly, extremely slowly, raised his head. His tear-streaked cheeks and his once arrogant but now swollen eyes looked at Su Zhelan with an almost fragile bewilderment and a great attachment.
Su Zhelan was also looking down at him, her usually calm eyes now filled with complex emotions—weariness, heartache, understanding, and a hint of… indescribable tenderness.
Sheng Xuan's gaze finally fell on the hand he was tightly gripping. Su Zhelan's wrist was slender and pale, and the light pink scar was particularly clear in the sunlight, like a silent brand, engraving their shared suffering and redemption.
His pupils contracted sharply, as if stung by the scar.
Then, very slowly, with an almost reverent devotion, he loosened his grip on his wrist. His fingertips trembled slightly as he carefully traced the pale pink scar.
The cool touch on his fingertips and the slight protrusion of the scar sent another sharp pang of pain through his heart.
With extreme gentleness and indescribable care, he gently took Su Zhelan's hand, which was soaked with his tears.
Sheng Xuan's Adam's apple bobbed violently, as if he had used up all his strength. He stared deeply and greedily into Su Zhelan's eyes, those eyes that were always clear or tired, now reflecting his disheveled face.
He opened his mouth, his voice hoarse and strained, thick with nasal resonance and a suffocating intensity, uttering each word clearly and distinctly the name etched in his heart:
"Ze Lan..." That call seemed to have exhausted all his strength and also gathered all his emotions.
He didn't kiss Su Zhelan's lips—that would be too abrupt, too offensive.
With an almost desperate piety and a cautious humility, he pressed his lips, extremely gently, with burning heat and a slight tremor, onto the back of Su Zhelan's hand!
It was a scalding kiss, tinged with salty tears and immense pain.
His lips pressed against Su Zhelan's cool skin, lingering for a moment, as if drawing strength from her, or offering his humblest loyalty. He could clearly feel the tiny veins throbbing on the back of Su Zhelan's hand, the life force flowing beneath her skin.
This kiss, like a brand, was burning hot and heavy.
Su Zhelan's body trembled violently! The sudden, warm touch on the back of his hand, carrying a huge emotional impact, surged through his body like an electric current! He subconsciously tried to pull his hand back, but Sheng Xuan's hand tightened, with an inescapable yet exceptionally gentle force, firmly fixing his hand under his burning lips.
Sheng Xuan looked up, his eyes blurry with tears, at Su Zhelan. His eyes were still red, but his gaze was unusually bright, carrying a resolute determination born of desperation and an unfathomable longing. He spoke again, his voice still hoarse, but filled with undeniable affection: "Zhelan..."
This time, he didn't hesitate. Under the gaze of Su Zhelan's slightly widened eyes, filled with shock and a hint of barely perceptible panic, he pressed his lips, with utmost precision, burning heat, and unmistakable deep affection, onto Su Zhelan's slightly parted lips, which were tinged with surprise!
"Hmm..."
Su Zhelan's pupils suddenly contracted! A hot yet soft touch came from her lips, carrying the salty taste of tears and Sheng Xuan's uncontrollable, slightly trembling breath.
The feeling was so unfamiliar, yet so intense, that it instantly robbed him of all his ability to think! His mind went blank, his body stiffened like a stone, and he even forgot to breathe.
This kiss was not a plunder, but rather carried a cautious probing and immense devotion. Sheng Xuan's lips merely touched Su Zhelan's lightly, without going deep or lingering, simply pressed tightly together, as if confirming something, or as if silently conveying an affection that a thousand words could not express.
His eyes remained open, staring intently at Su Zhelan's wide, shocked eyes, in which his own disheveled yet affectionate reflection was clearly seen.
Time seemed to freeze at that moment.
Inside the main room of the Sogyoku-in, only the intertwined, equally disordered and hot breathing of the two remained.
The herbal and sulfurous scents in the air seemed to boil over by this sudden, emotionally charged kiss.
After the initial shock, Su Zhelan's stiff body finally began to react. She still didn't push Sheng Xuan away or respond, but simply let those hot lips touch her, feeling that unfamiliar temperature and touch that had a huge impact.
Shengxuan's lips finally parted slightly, but not far away, only opening a tiny gap.
His forehead pressed against Su Zhelan's, their noses almost touching, their hot breaths spraying onto each other's faces. Looking into Su Zhelan's eyes, still filled with shock and confusion but no longer resisting, his voice was hoarse and low, carrying a deep affection that was almost pleading:
"Zelan...don't push me away..."
His voice was soft, yet it struck Su Zhelan's heart like a hammer blow. He lowered his head again, and this time, his kiss was no longer a cautious probe, but rather a deeper longing and an irresistible tenderness, carrying a sense of confirmation, as he covered Su Zhelan's lips once more.
This time, he gently and tenderly sucked on those soft lips, as if tasting the most precious nectar in the world.
Su Zhelan's body trembled violently! An indescribable tingling sensation instantly spread from his lips to his limbs! He subconsciously closed his eyes, and his tense body finally showed a slight sign of relaxation at this moment. He did not respond, but he also did not try to push him away again.
He simply endured it quietly, feeling the burning heat and gentle sucking on his lips, feeling Sheng Xuan's intense heartbeat transmitted through their tightly pressed bodies.
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