Each second of stillness equals several years

595.

An Jin stayed for two days and then left, saying he had other things to do and would be back in a few days. Before leaving, he told me to take less medicine, and I nodded in agreement.

In August, I received a call from the post office. I opened my acceptance letter and learned I'd be spending the next four years in the provincial capital. I applied to numerous programs at a teachers' college, including Chinese language and literature, but I never imagined I'd be accepted into this one. An Jin asked me why I chose that, and I said I simply didn't know how else to choose.

I don't have a favorite major, and I don't know what kind of person I want to be. I envy those classmates who have clear goals; they have a direction and know how to proceed. I don't know. I thought about it for a long time and thought of Li Siwen. He's a good teacher, and becoming like him seems like the right thing to do. So I filled in the form like this.

Qiu Yang, who had been admitted to one of the best universities in China, even advised me to try again for another year after learning where I was studying. He felt my future wasn't bright enough and that my choices were random. I didn't care about his opinion, so naturally, I wouldn't listen.

596.

In September, I gave up my lease and left Wulin City for another unfamiliar place. The provincial capital also had a sea view, but due to pollution, the surface looked gray, unlike the dazzling blue of the sea near the island.

There are many apartments near the university town, and I rented the most spacious one for three years. After military training, I applied to the counselor for housing outside the university. The process was complicated, with multiple signatures and stamps. When the teacher asked why, I said I couldn't sleep because someone else was in the room. The universities in the provincial capital are clustered together in a remote area. While this area is densely populated with shopping malls, it looks bustling, but after dark, the streets are practically deserted.

I sold my scooter for a low price, and I considered buying a new one for easier commuting. I moved most of my rental stuff back home and considered buying the new apartment, but if I did, I wouldn't be able to tell which was home. It's best to have only one home, so I didn't buy it.

I bought a lot of furniture, but it still feels empty, so I thought about getting a pet.

597.

On the day we moved into the apartment, I called An Jin and asked him whether he liked cats or dogs. He said he liked neither.

"I'll send you the address. I'll be living here from now on. I have fewer classes as a freshman, so just let me know in advance if you want to see me."

"Do you live alone?"

"right."

“Would it be more cost-effective to share a house?”

"Would you agree to share the apartment?" The last time we argued, a girl asked me for directions while I was walking down the street. I told her I didn't know the way either. After just a few words, he got angry and insisted I was hitting on her. He demanded I avoid socializing with strangers and not talk to anyone I didn't know well. I figured my roommate wasn't a familiar person, but living together without a word was impossible, so I moved out.

"That's right."

598.

The argument that day was intense and left a deep impression on me. I said that a person doesn't have the power to isolate themselves from society. I can't possibly avoid interacting with anyone. I can't guarantee that no one will sit next to me in every class, or refuse every club dinner. I can't do that. But he said,

"That's how I am. That's how I am when I love you. I hope we are the same."

It was difficult. I believe that getting along only requires boundaries, not thick defenses. But I still agreed, on the condition that we meet at least once during every long vacation.

599.

Because I didn't like getting along with other people, and because I didn't fit in, every time someone talked to me, I didn't respond. Gradually, I became someone they couldn't understand, a freak.

But there are still people who try to understand and talk to me. They usually ask me what my family does and why the watch I wear is so expensive.

600.

When I don’t have classes, I like to go shopping in the city and buy lots of things in pairs, including watches.

He expresses his love by keeping his distance from others, I express it through material things. It's the easiest thing I can do. Even if An Jin says he doesn't need it, I'll still buy it. I'll buy a lot, telling him that one day he'll accept it.

601.

Reunions are always wonderful.

I like opening the door and seeing him waiting for me; I like him pointing at the bookshelf and asking me what book I am reading recently; I like him talking to me with his eyes open, and when the plot is playing on TV, he tells me that if I were a screenwriter, I would not write it like this; I like him being so sleepy that he falls asleep on the sofa, while I go to clean up the messy snack bags and half-eaten fruits on the table, and wait for him to wake up and ask him, "Are we really not going to keep a cat?"

Separation is the norm. Besides happiness, we also have quarrels and tears.

602.

When he's busy, he usually doesn't pay attention to me. He doesn't answer my calls or texts. I'm second on the list of things I hate about him. Whenever we argue, I threaten to break up. Those two words seem like a killer move. He'll cry and admit his mistakes. I'll forgive him, but I know he won't change.

During this long period of time, there was never an optimal solution for our coordination.

603.

In our major, we have to memorize common sense, study history, and appreciate rhetoric in articles. I want to describe the relationship between us, and describe the feeling he brings to me.

His existence is like a wind chime hanging high in the sky; without sound, it also doesn't exist. And the process of my love is also a process of waiting, a process of anticipation. Separation is stillness, and in stillness, every second feels like years, waiting to hear it again.