You all want me dead

Miao Xingzhou began writing novels every day.

Mom said, "Now you can really support yourself!"

Miao Xingzhou: "Hmm."

Mom started laughing and said, "Let's go plant vegetables?"

Miao Xingzhou: "I want to write novels."

She continued writing her novel, without stopping for a single day.

As time went on, Mom asked, "How much money did you earn this month?"

Miao Xingzhou: "...Six hundred."

Mom: "Six hundred? You need five hundred for medicine. How can six hundred be enough?"

Miao Xingzhou: But this is already the best I can do.

Am I really worthless?

Am I really that bad?

Is it really okay for me to be like this?

But she didn't want to give up writing novels.

She was reading a novel.

I've already achieved half of my dream, and I'll keep writing better and better.

My future will definitely be bright!

Earn three thousand from each one!

She fell asleep and dreamed of countless angels.

They said, "Only you can realize your dreams. Once you've made your choice, you can't regret it."

Miao Xingzhou: "Even if there's only one bite of rice left, I won't give up."

Miao Xingzhou took out a book called "The Star Record" and slowly looked at his own ending.

Being alive is good enough.

I believe I can live to be eighty years old.

She slowly smiled and said, "Now you don't have to suffer anymore."

My sister and mother share the same ideas, but for me, they are very different.

For example, I am not someone who just gets by.

They are not blindly optimistic.

She began to improve herself every day.

I am confident that I will succeed.

With daily hard work, you earn three thousand a month at fifty, but apart from your family, no one wants you to live well. Good luck is not always a good thing.

She started writing every day.

Mom said, "There's no oil left."

Miao Xingzhou looked at it and said, "Okay, I'll go buy it."

He walked down the street, and from his childhood until now, his hometown had never changed.

It remains the same.

She began slowly, "How much money?"

The oil seller said, "Seventy yuan a barrel."

She bought it for seventy yuan, which was indeed a bit expensive.

Mom started cooking.

She continued writing.

When he turned seventy, his eyesight failed him and his fingers trembled.

My savings are almost gone.

She could only afford one bottle of pesticide, but looking at it, she couldn't bring herself to drink it. She was all alone at home and couldn't even afford to eat.

Nobody cares about her.

I've truly reached the end.

He tilted his head back and drank it.

He died in excruciating pain.

Mom: "Are you sleeping again now?"

Miao Xingzhou: "Hmm."

Mom: "What did you dream about?"

Miao Xingzhou: "My future must be terrible, right?"

Mom: "Who can say that?"

She began by saying, "Wouldn't it be better if I just died?"

Mom: "Who would be harmed if you died?"

Miao Xingzhou: "Why can't I get any comfort from you even if I want to die?!"

Mom didn't say anything.

Miao Xingzhou wept bitterly.

Am I really just a burden?

Is it necessary for me to live?

Can you tell me why you gave birth to me?

Why did I have to go through all this?!

You might as well kill me!

She began to cry in anguish.

She kept crying.

Slowly, the tears dried, and the dream ended.

Seeing the pesticide on the table, she was about to drink it when her mother grabbed her hand and said, "This is for killing insects, you can't eat it!"

Miao Xingzhou: "I want to eat!"

Mom: "I'll buy you candy!"

Miao Xingzhou: "I don't want sugar, I'm not sick! I'm just a burden living like this!"

Mom: "You're perfectly fine now, why do you want to die!"

Miao Xingzhou: "I'm going to die anyway."

The mother looked at her with a guilty expression and slowly put down the pesticide.

She grabbed the pesticide, ready to pour it into her mouth, but then noticed a piece of paper sealing the bottle. She tried to peel it off, but her mother stopped her, laughing and asking, "Are you sure you want to eat this?"

The mother left with the pesticide.

She began watching her mother lock the pesticides in a box at home.

Miao Xingzhou felt surrounded by countless pains, and he felt that only writing novels could save him. But what good would writing them do?

What if I don't write it?

Isn't it painful?

She started feeling so bad she couldn't breathe.

Then, one suicidal thought after another appeared. She went upstairs and looked down for a long time. Her mother appeared and said, "Do you want to go to a mental hospital?"

Miao Xingzhou: "I don't want to, but I feel so bad."

Mom: "Does feeling unwell mean you have to die?! Are you hallucinating and being told to die?!"

Miao Xingzhou: "A voice kept saying, 'I want to die.'"

Mom said, "Don't worry about it, let's go play."

Miao Xingzhou: "I don't want to play, you go play!"

As Mom walked to the door, she smiled and said, "Aren't you going to go play? You're staying home all by yourself?"

Miao Xingzhou: "Hmm."

Her mother came in, grabbed her arm, and said, "What do you want to eat? I'll buy it for you."

Miao Xingzhou: "I don't want to eat."

Mom: "Don't you like bread? I'll buy you a big bag of it, you can eat your fill."

Miao Xingzhou and his mother went to a place to play cards.

Miao Xingzhou was looking at his phone alone.

My mother started playing cards and completely ignored me.

She went home alone to take her medicine.

My mother still hadn't come home by four o'clock.

I suddenly woke up and found myself in the white house.

The nurse said, "You've been here for seven years."

Miao Xingzhou: "Hmm."

Nurse: "Do you want to go home now?"

Miao Xingzhou: "I want to."

Nurse: "You can make a phone call and ask your parents to pick you up and take you home."

Miao Xingzhou started making phone calls.

Mom: "We don't have money right now, but we'll bring you back when we do."

The call ended.

She shed tears.

Tears are truly the cheapest thing.

The nurse asked, "Are you still in pain?"

Miao Xingzhou: "Hmm."

Nurse: "What's there to be in pain about? Live well and don't think about dying. Look at all these people living in mental hospitals. Okay, go in now."

Although so many people are locked up in mental hospitals, who is happy? Being confined to one place all day long, unable to leave, for more than ten years, some even for their entire lives...

What did I do wrong?!

Why didn't I just die back then!

There's no need for him to be locked up like this for the rest of his life!

When she woke up from her sleep, she found herself at home. Her mother said, "Are you happy now?"

Miao Xingzhou: "Yes, I'm very happy."

Mom: "As long as you're happy."

She started looking at the computer, then said, "I'm going to sleep."

Mom: "Mmm."

She went to bed, looked at her phone, and slowly fell asleep.

In my dream, I was locked in a mental hospital and could never get out.

I woke up from the dream and looked at my hands in surprise. I realized that I was old, which meant I was finally free.

How wonderful.

She stayed at home alone.

She was the only one who was abandoned.

Nobody cares about me.

She hunched over and began to cook.

There was a bowl of rice but no vegetables.

They ate with great relish.

She looked at her money; she only had fifty.

Then they took out a bottle of pesticide from the room; it was a pungent, sweet-smelling substance. It tasted awful and made me feel terrible.

He rolled around in the house, vomited black blood, and then died.

Looking at the Bridge of Helplessness again.

Meng Po looked at her: "Why did you choose to die?"

Miao Xingzhou: "I'm already done for."

Meng Po said, "Living to eighty is not bad, but you should reincarnate."

I woke up from the dream. My sister began, "Are you alright now?"

Miao Xingzhou: "Hmm."

The older sister said with a smile, "Now that you're all grown up, you need to think about Mom and Dad. Mom is also sick, and we don't have the money to treat her! You can't be so willful anymore."

Miao Xingzhou: "I'm willful? I'm sick right now. It's not willfulness. If you were like me, and I said something like that, wouldn't you be angry?"

Sister: "I don't want you to be like this."

Miao Xingzhou: "You'll go crazy in the future!"

Sister: "I'm not as fragile as you."

She started crying: "What? I'm so fragile I have a mental illness! It's all my fault! There are so many people with mental illness these days, you'll get a mental illness too."

Sister: "You've got it. I'm not like you who gets angry just from talking."

She hung up the phone, tears streaming down her face.

Drops fell like tiny pearls, landing on the ground.

She started to feel a little uncomfortable, and said with a smile, "Everyone in the world wants me dead."

Is it bad that I'm still alive?

But the memory of the pain of drinking pesticide continues to haunt her.

She gradually gave up the idea of ​​suicide.

Start cooking.

Seeing the food prepared, most people in reality have prejudices against mentally ill people.

They might even mock those who are afraid of them for no reason.

They were afraid the mentally ill would hurt them, and they thought that mentally ill people were bad.

They would post pictures of how they were when they had an episode online and discuss mental illness together.

She has been through a lot of these things.

It's nothing.

But the sharp blades of family members kept scraping at him.

Mom: "How did hiding from the family planning policy end up like you! If I'd known, I wouldn't have hidden, I'd be so carefree..."

Sister: "You're the one who wants to die! I can't commit suicide!"

Brother: "You can't keep bothering Mom, you hear me!"

Dad: "Each generation is worse than the last."

She closed her eyes, which were filled with countless painful memories.

Then she started crying.

Why am I even alive? I'm staring at the computer screen.

I started writing a novel.

Hopefully things will get better in the future.

When evening came, Mom came home smiling and said, "I'm happy because you're doing so well."

Miao Xingzhou smiled and said, "Yes."

Mom: "Cook."

Miao Xingzhou began by saying, "I'm done."

Mom: "If it's ready, then let's eat."

Dad came downstairs and asked, "What dishes did you make?"

Miao Xingzhou: "It's on the table."

Dad frowned, then looked at the table.

Mom started by saying, "You're writing a novel while we're eating?"

Miao Xingzhou: "You guys eat first."

Mom: "Are you unhappy about something?"

Miao Xingzhou: "I'm not unhappy at all."

Mom smiled and said, "Is writing novels that enjoyable?"

Miao Xingzhou smiled and said, "Yes."

Mom: "Wait a minute, there's plenty of time."

Miao Xingzhou said, "Don't worry about me!"

Mom and Dad were startled and said, "If you want to eat later, don't scare people like that! Shouting so loudly!"

Miao Xingzhou began to weep, without saying a word.

"Who did you offend? What's there to cry about?!" Mom said angrily.

Miao Xingzhou: "You all want me dead!"

Miao Xingzhou saw her mother looking at her with a guilty expression, filled with anger and fury.

She went upstairs, closed the door, and started crying. Her father and mother's voices came from downstairs. Her father said, "Try to comfort her."

Mom: "What's there to coax? You'll have to coax me every day!"