Chapter 72

"I miss you so much."

At this time, Yan Ji came to find her and asked her why she suddenly left the table.

Ci Ying glossed over the matter of Xie Huaijin and only mentioned that Yuwen Shu intended to choose a husband for her. Yan Ji asked who Yuwen Shu had chosen, and Ci Ying whispered, "Yin Ce seems to be his favorite, followed by the younger generations of the Wang and Liu families."

Yan Ji analyzed everything for Ci Ying one by one. After saying a few words, he found that Ci Ying was a little absent-minded. He stopped and frowned and asked Ci Ying if she had had a good rest recently. Ci Ying shook her head, but still did not tell her about Xie Huaijin.

The wind blew the snow on the ground, and Ci Ying shivered.

Yan Ji told her "soon", and she said to herself "soon", soon Ci Ying, all this will soon be over. After Yan Ji left, Ci Ying sat down, leaning quietly against the pillar in the corridor, and some reason she thought of Xie Huaijin again.

Zhu Yi said that Xie Huaijin just wanted to come and see her.

She's too busy...

But the silence didn't last long. A maid came to look for her and whispered, "Miss, the prince wants you to come in."

Ci Ying then went in again. She had no expectations of Yuwen Shu, so she pretended not to notice anything Yuwen Shu did. She quietly played the role of a well-behaved daughter.

After the banquet, Ci Ying stayed at Yuwen Mansion.

During this period, Yuwen Fu came to the door again. This time, Yuwen Fu was no longer worried, but his eyes were full of anger. So Ci Ying knew that Yuwen Fu should have known about the military token, and it was not difficult to guess whether he had revealed it. Ci Ying silently watched Yan Ji's warning to her.

Yuwen Fu angrily asked, "How dare you dig up my mother's grave?"

Ci Ying didn't want to argue with Yuwen Fu, as arguing was too tiring.

Yuwen Fu was making a lot of noise, as if the louder her voice was, the more reasonable she would be.

Ci Ying looked at Yu Wenfu calmly and asked, "Can't you dig?"

Yuwen Fu said angrily: "I didn't dig it!"

Ci Ying added a prefix this time: "If you knew the military amulet was in your mother's grave, would you dig it or not?"

Yuwen Fu's face flushed red at Ciying's mocking tone. He drew his sword and pointed it at Ciying: "Don't assume everyone thinks the same as you and Xie Huaijin. Ciying, I'm telling you, I wouldn't do such a thing even if I knew."

Ci Ying looked at the sword that shone with a cold light. She raised her eyes and looked straight at Yu Wenfu: "It doesn't matter if you don't do it. Even if I did it, Yu Wenfu, what can you do?"

Ci Ying's tone was icy, having lost the last bit of warmth.

She had no expectations of her family, but seeing them all like this made her laugh. She stared at Yuwen Fu's high-sounding words and said, "You're so angry because I got the military token before you did. When you were hesitant, you found out that Yan Ji had turned to me again. Why are you using mother as a pretext? If mother were here, she would never act like you."

As for the sword in Yuwen Fu's hand, the moment Ci Ying lowered her eyes, the secret guard on the roof had already knocked Yuwen Fu down with a hidden weapon.

Ci Ying stepped on Yuwen Fu's sword and called out "Brother" for the only time in her life.

Her voice was calm and cold, very similar to the snow outside, and there was a coldness in her eyes that she herself was not aware of.

She said, "Brother, don't make trouble."

She is already very busy.

Yuwen Fu was pushed out by the secret guards. Ciying sat down, and after a quarter of an hour, her heart began to beat wildly.

The secret guard came back to report about Yuwen Fu. Ci Ying couldn't stand it anymore after listening for two sentences. Yuwen Shu was out today, and Yan Ji had made an appointment with her to meet at dusk, which was noon at this time.

Ci Ying calmed her pounding heart and suddenly said to the secret guard, "Go arrange a carriage for the return trip."

The carriage sped all the way and finally got stuck in the thick, uncleared snow in the yard. Ci Ying didn't care and got off the carriage and hurried to Xie Huaijin's room.

It was very strange. The yard was very quiet all the way. Ci Ying's heart was pounding. When she approached the yard, she finally heard some sounds, but they were very low and Ci Ying couldn't hear what they were saying.

When she walked through the corridor, Zhu Yi and Zhu Er, who were guarding outside the door, were a little surprised to see her. Ci Ying looked at the half-open door, and somehow suddenly walked around it quickly and went straight inside. As soon as she entered the door, she saw the young man watering the flowers with medicine.

In an instant, Ci Ying's worries turned into anger in her chest.

The young man was a little surprised when he saw her. He couldn't hold the medicine bowl in his hand for a moment and it fell to the ground with a "pa" sound. The medicine stains splashed all over the floor and some were also stained on the hem of his clothes.

As he opened his mouth to explain, Ci Ying stepped forward and grabbed his hand.

"Xie Huaijin!" Ci Ying tightly grasped the young man's thin hand. The closer they were, the stronger the smell of the medicine became. Her eyes were red for some reason. She said, "Why aren't you taking your medicine properly again?"

Xie Huaijin covered Ci Ying's hand with his backhand and said softly, "I didn't."

He coughed several times in just three words.

Ci Ying resisted the urge to rub the young man's back and said coldly, "You just don't have it."

Xie Huaijin explained: "I drank the medicine carefully, this bowl is leftover."

Ci Ying didn't believe it. This man had a long history of bad deeds and never spoke a word of truth.

The young man began to cough again, and every cough weighed on Ci Ying's nerves. She did something she would never do in the past. She opened the young man's white collar with her hand, stared at the white patch around his neck, and said in a deep voice, "Where are the drug stains?"

Xie Huaijin was silent for a moment, then said softly, "I really drank it."

Ci Ying looked at him with red eyes, wondering what she had been insisting on if Xie Huaijin treated his body like this. Exhaustion almost broke her nerves. Amid the young man's suppressed cough, she handed the other bowl of medicine on the table to him: "You said you drank it, and there are no medicine stains on your collar. So you shouldn't feel nauseous after drinking the medicine now, right? Drink it."

Ciying said the last two words very coldly, and she didn't even realize it.

The expression on her face was grim, like a string that had been compressed to the extreme, and would break in an instant with just the slightest stimulation.

Xie Huaijin quietly gazed into her eyes. As Ciying's body trembled, he silently drank the medicine. He fought the urge to vomit, and under Ciying's gaze, he gulped down the entire bowl of medicine bit by bit...

The next moment, the young man's back bent, and the wheelchair moved stiffly twice because of his movements. The pale-faced young man bent over and vomited out all the medicine he had just drunk, along with large mouthfuls of blood.

Ci Ying shouted "Xie Huaijin"'s name while helping him up with trembling hands. She said "I'm sorry" but couldn't suppress her anger. She cried and yelled at the young man who was vomiting non-stop: "Xie Huaijin, you lied, you lied again..."

The young man wanted to hold Ci Ying's hand, but Ci Ying subconsciously shook him off.

His hand fell on the wheelchair, and Xie Huaijin's eyes paused for a moment, but he didn't show any temper. He just said softly: "Ci Ying."

Ci Ying's hands were shaking, her body was shaking, and her heart was shaking too. The smell of medicine around her mixed with the young man's vomit, and the smell of blood seemed to penetrate into Ci Ying's bones. All the panic and filth broke Ci Ying's last line of defense. She cried and asked the young man if he didn't want to live.

Her eyes were full of tears and filled with unresolved hatred. She said all the suppressed words: "Xie Huaijin, do you know that I am very tired? I can't hold on any longer. Why can't you be a good boy and take your medicine and recuperate? Why don't you take your medicine and go out..."

Ciying squatted down crying.

There was no sound in the room for a long time.

Ci Ying's sobs gradually became quieter, and endless grievances spread in her heart. The sound of the wheelchair rolling approached her little by little, but what Ci Ying expected, the young man stroking her head, did not happen.

She raised her head stubbornly, only to see a pair of calm eyes of the young man.

For some reason, Ci Ying's heart suddenly jumped. She felt as if something bad was going to happen, but her throat was blocked by something and she couldn't say a word.

The young man's eyes gradually became gentle, and after the gentleness was endless calmness.

His tone was also like this. He first said to Ciying, "I'm sorry."

Ci Ying looked at him stubbornly. The young man was actually in a very miserable state now. The medicine mixed with the vomit water hung on his neck and flowed onto his clothes. There were also some traces of blood, but the young man neither wiped it with a handkerchief nor called anyone in to deal with it. He just looked at Ci Ying like that.

Ciying began to panic, and then she heard the young man calmly say, "Ciying, let's separate."

This sentence froze Ci Ying in place. She looked at Xie Huaijin in disbelief, unable to believe that Xie Huaijin was the first one to give up between the two of them.

Tears welled up in Ci Ying's eyes. Despite her stubbornness, she managed to say "I'm sorry." She took out a handkerchief and wiped the young man's tears. Her hands were shaking as she explained in a panic, "I'm just worried about you. I don't mean to dislike you. What I said before was all nonsense."

Xie Huaijin was very quiet.

It seemed like this was not a decision he made today.

Outside, snow was falling heavily. The young man looked quietly at Ci Ying in front of him. Ci Ying looked at him with red eyes. Seeing that Xie Huaijin didn't say anything, she said a few nice words and then started to be stubborn again: "If it's because of what I said today, I apologize, Xie Huaijin, I apologize..."

She even moved closer to Xie Huaijin. She could no longer say anything more gentle, but her attitude was good enough.

If this happened normally, Xie Huaijin wouldn't care.

She was about to say that she would bring back another bowl of medicine for Xie Huaijin, but just as she turned around, she heard the young man's calm voice: "Ciying, I don't want to stay in Mobei anymore."

Ci Ying's body froze.

Xie Huaijin looked at Ci Ying's back. He had seen it many times in his memory, but this time might be the last time.

He said softly, "I will return to Chang'an in two days. I will leave Candle One and Candle Two to you. If there is anything difficult to do, let them do it."

Ci Ying had had enough of this kind of perfunctory behavior. She clenched her fists, stubbornly holding back tears. She gritted her teeth and said, "It's up to you. Go wherever you want. Even if you die in the future, it won't have anything to do with me."

Behind her, the young man wanted to say something, but saw Ci Ying slam the door shut.

Xie Huaijin looked quietly at the direction where Ci Ying left and started coughing again.

He felt that Ci Ying was right, and that his death in the future would have nothing to do with Ci Ying.

He had never understood why Ciying always ran towards freedom so naively.

But now he seemed to understand, because from a certain moment on, he began to want her freedom more than Ci Ying did.

He was too heavy, pressing on Ciying's back, making Ciying unable to see the distance and the future.

Ci Ying is an eagle, and should be soaring on the top of the mountain, but because of him she is trapped in the valley.

He saw that her back was getting heavier and heavier, and she was almost crushed by fatigue. Every mouthful of blood he spat out became a shackle on Ciying, and every cough he made affected Ciying's nerves. It was all too heavy.

Xie Huaijin couldn't bear to leave.

His Ci Ying is the softest-hearted person in the world. She took it all on without saying a word. She is good, too good, so Xie Huaijin cannot be so selfish as to stay with her. That would be too bad of him.

Ciying is such a good person, so Xie Huaijin shouldn't be a bad person.

Like a childish game of house.

The naive Xie Huaijin decided to leave.

Illness, suffering, torture, these should all be taken away by him.

Freedom, future, and love, these should be the rewards that Ciying, who is always soft-hearted and kind, gets.

Xie Huaijin childishly played the hero.

He had clearly had many better moments in his life, but only at this moment, the moment he decided to give up, did he understand what "love" was. Only at this moment did he understand that those feelings should be called love. He thought about it and felt that his love was too despicable.

Ciying didn't deserve this kind of love from him.

For the first time, he felt that if Mr. Li were still alive, the love he could give to Ciying would definitely be healthier and better than his.

But Ciying is such a good person, and she will meet someone better in the future.

Without him, Ciying's life is bright and beautiful.

If... if he was not Xie Huaijin, the young man thought calmly as the snow outside the window stopped at dusk.

......

On the other side, Ci Ying slammed the door and walked out, the words "I hate you" lingered in her mouth for a long time, and she finally swallowed it back.

She left in a carriage. She didn't want to go to Yan Mansion or Yuwen Mansion. On the streets of Mobei, she felt like she had nowhere to go for a moment.

When the carriage driver asked Ciying for the third time, Ciying gave an address, and after entering the door, she found the most remote room and moved in.

It was Lingyue and Lingshuang's house. She had been there twice before, but Lingyue and Lingshuang were both in the Yanbei Army these past few days, so she probably couldn't see them.

Unable to see Xie Huaijin, Ci Ying gradually calmed down.

She buried her head in her folded arms, her eyes were extremely dry, and finally she couldn't help crying, with grievances lingering in her heart.

Even though her words weren't so nice, she still cared about him...

Ci Ying said to herself, "Let him do whatever he wants," and then she woke up from her sleep. Looking at the empty room, she subconsciously wanted to go out to see Xie Huaijin, but then she remembered that she was no longer in that house.

At this time, Ci Ying didn't think that Xie Huaijin would really leave.

She didn't think Xie Huaijin wanted to go back to Chang'an at all. She was stubborn and refused to admit her mistake. After all, she didn't think she had done anything wrong. She was angry with Xie Huaijin, but in fact she felt that Xie Huaijin was angry with her, but she was not wrong, and she would not take the initiative to look for him.

Even when Zhu Er came to ask her if she wanted to see Xie Huaijin off, she still gritted her teeth and said "no" angrily. While she was busy with the affairs of the Yan family army, she was also investigating what Yuwen Shu had done in the past about her mother. The truth was actually right in front of her, but Ci Ying wanted to find evidence.

Ci Ying piled herself up with many things and gradually forgot about Xie Huaijin.

One day when I thought of it, the snow was melting.

Old people often say that sickly plants die when the snow melts, because melting snow is much colder than snow. Ci Ying felt wronged and angry, but she couldn't help feeling a little worried. She thought that the next time Zhu Er came to invite her, she went down the stairs. She waited until the snow melted but still didn't see Zhu Yi or Zhu Er.

Every day when she finished her official business and thought about going to see Xie Huaijin, she would think of their quarrel.

One day, she didn't know why she thought of Zhu Er's hesitant look that day. But if it was something important, Zhu Er would have said it long ago with his personality. While thinking about it, Ci Ying still got on the carriage back. She thought, she came back just to see Zhu Er, and Zhu Er had something to say to her, and it had nothing to do with that person named Xie Huaijin.

Well, no.

After the coachman stopped the carriage in front of the house, Ci Ying knocked on the door with a cold face.

After hearing no response, Ci Ying wanted to leave. After all, it was embarrassing to be stopped outside the door. She cursed Xie Huaijin softly while lingering in front of the door. Finally, she found a secret guard to help her climb over the wall.

I felt something was wrong almost instantly because there was no one in the whole house.

Ci Ying walked all the way to Xie Huaijin's room but didn't see anyone. Her heart suddenly trembled, and she hesitantly called out the names of "Zhu Yi", "Zhu Er", and then the trembling name of "Xie Huaijin", but there was no sound. The empty courtyard was silent except for her echo.

Ci Ying quickly walked forward and opened the door, and the room was indeed empty.

After being blown by the wind for more than half a month, the smell of medicine in the house has almost dissipated, and only a faint smell can be felt.

Ci Ying's fingers brushed across the table, and a light layer of dust stuck to her fingers, indicating that no one had lived in this house for some time. Ci Ying couldn't believe that Xie Huaijin had really left, so she called the secret guard and asked him to check Xie Huaijin's whereabouts.

Late at night, the secret guard reported, and Ci Ying stared at him for a long time before letting the secret guard leave.

Xie Huaijin really returned to Chang'an.

While she was wondering why he had to travel so far when his illness was so serious, she was also thinking that what Rizhu Er said was actually true, so why didn't he tell her the truth? Oh, it seemed like he told her, but she didn't believe it.

A sense of absurdity arose in Ci Ying's heart, even stronger than when Xie Huaijin insisted on trapping her by his side. In the dim study, Ci Ying silently got up and lit the lamp. She did not return to the desk until the lamp illuminated the study.

She flipped through the piled-up official documents one by one, her hands trembling at first but gradually becoming steady.

She didn't know how he could do this.

But she couldn't, absolutely couldn't chase him to Chang'an.

If he wants to die, then death would be better.

Thinking this in her heart, Ci Ying couldn't hold back her tears as they fell on the files, but she wiped her tears with a handkerchief, pinched her hands, and began to handle official business again. She was not worried about Xie Huaijin. She handled official business very quickly. Without Xie Huaijin, her life would obviously be better.

Why should he leave?

Ci Ying didn’t know, she only knew that she hated Xie Huaijin.

It wasn't as strong as before, but she still felt hatred. She hated him so much that her hands would tremble when she thought about not being able to see him for the last time. She told herself that maybe she hated him too much.

I hate him when he is alive, I hate him when he is dead, I hate that his life is worse than death.

Yan Ji had been observing Ci Ying. When he teased her by saying, "Have you been sleeping well recently?", Ci Ying did not respond as she did before. Instead, she looked at Yan Ji with her gradually calm eyes. Seeing that the smile on Yan Ji's lips could no longer be held, the girl, who had an increasingly strong aura of superiority, whispered, "Yan Ji, I have never settled accounts with you."

Yan Ji said stiffly: "What is the score between us?"

Ciying doesn't like the master-servant relationship, but she understands choice and loyalty.

She didn't even dislike Yan Ji's vacillation, but she didn't like Yan Ji treating her like a fool.

She looked at Yan Ji, staring into his eyes: "How did Yuwen Fu know about the military talisman?"

Yan Ji laughed and said, "I thought it was something else, Ciying, he is your brother."

The words "I won't hurt you" remained silent under Ciying's gaze. Ciying recounted the incident of Yuwen Fu drawing his sword on her that day, and then asked Yan Ji: "If you think Yuwen Fu's brain is more suitable to be your master, you can go find him, but if you stay, it will be the last time."

Ci Ying's tone didn't even change, but Yan Ji couldn't get away with it by being vague.

Ci Ying watched Yan Ji leave, thinking she would be disappointed, but it seemed that she was not. Xie Huaijin taught her not to be disappointed in human nature, because human nature will always disappoint you.

Her initial wholehearted trust in Yan Ji was rewarded with Yan Ji's disclosure of Yuwen Fu's secrets, his control over her actions, and his verbal suppression. It was not until Xie Huaijin left that Ciying finally understood this.

She didn't want to think about Xie Huaijin, but this time, she received a letter from Xie Huaijin.

She didn't want to read it, nor did she understand why there was any need for her and Xie Huaijin to communicate.

The letter was left on the table all day long, and Ciying didn't pay any attention to it until late at night, when Ciying finished all her official business. She "accidentally" opened the letter, and then "accidentally" opened it again.

All opened...

Just watch.

What if it was a funeral book? Although she didn’t really care whether Xie Huaijin was dead or not.

Well, he probably wasn't dead, because the young man who opened the letter said, "Ciying, it's nice to see you in person. I'm doing fine."

"Ciying, it's nice to see you in person. I'm doing fine."

"It's still very cold here in Chang'an, and it should be the same in Mobei."

"Doctor Xu prescribed a new prescription for me. It's very bitter, even more bitter than before."

"The sugar-coated hawthorns here in Chang'an are delicious. They say they're especially sweet because they've been covered in fresh snow. I really wanted to send you two bunches, but Zhu Yi and Zhu Er said it was too much of a fuss. Then I thought, maybe Mobei has some too."

After reading this, Ci Ying felt that she shouldn’t read on, but somehow she continued reading.

The letter was not long, Ci Ying could read it to the end at a glance. It was all about trivial matters. The tone of the letter was so light that it did not sound like that of a seriously ill person, nor did it sound like it was written to her after they had quarreled. Ci Ying suspected that Xie Huaijin had sent the letter to the wrong person, but at the same time she understood that she was the only person in the world to whom Xie Huaijin could send the letter.

So she didn't understand why Xie Huaijin wanted to leave.

"I vomited again after taking medicine today. It landed on the letter paper, so I changed it."

"Zhu Yi and Zhu Er planted a flowering tree in the courtyard, which they had moved from the palace. They said it was auspicious. I asked why it was auspicious. Ci Ying, guess what they said? They said that it was rare for the emperor to be so incompetent that he could hold on to his position for so many years. It was auspicious and auspicious."

Ci Ying lay on the table, watching bit by bit.

She didn't know what to feel in her heart, she felt numb and bloated until she saw the last sentence.

The young man put pen to paper.

"Ciying, the flowers outside are blooming."

"I missed you so much."

【Author’s words】

Try the eldest son of your lover [cat claw]