Chapter 12

The phone screen quickly lit up; it was Jiang Yu calling. The ringtone rang persistently, over and over again, piercing the silence of the room. Xia Wan didn't answer, letting it ring until it automatically disconnected. Then, the message alert sounded.

"?"

There is only a cold question mark.

Xia Wan didn't reply. She needed time to calm her turbulent emotions.

A few minutes later, the phone rang again. Xia Wan thought it was Jiang Yu again, so she pressed the mute button without even looking. However, the name flashing on the screen was Lin Wei.

Xia Wan hesitated for a moment, but finally answered the call. She needed her bestie's voice, even if it was just to hear her talk.

"Wanwan! What's going on?! I just got a call from Jiang Yu! His tone was so cold that it could freeze someone to death! He just asked me if I knew where you were! What happened? Did you confront him?" Lin Wei's voice was fast and urgent, full of shock and worry.

"Weiwei..." Xia Wan's voice was nasal and full of fatigue. "I didn't reveal my true colors... I... I broke up with you."

"Break up?!" Lin Wei screamed, "Why?! Just because he found last night's dinner boring? That reason is too far-fetched, right? Xia Wanwan, what are you thinking?!"

"It's not about the food..." Xia Wan's voice was low, with a kind of despair-inducing calmness. "Weiwei, you're right. I can't go on like this. I can't stand it. The way he looks at me... is too calm, as calm as if he's looking at an object, a 'task' that needs to be handled. I always feel like he's looking through me at someone else... This feeling is too uncomfortable. I've tried. I've offered my hand when crossing the street, I've deliberately paused when getting off a car, and I even pretended to fall and leaned into his arms once... I've taken the initiative, but the result only made me see more clearly the distance between us and... the distance in his heart."

She paused, sniffed, and tried to make her voice sound more resolute: "No matter if he is doing this out of guilt, responsibility, or something else... I don't want to go on. I don't want to be the one who needs his 'compensation' or his 'test' anymore. It's too tiring, and too... humble. Let's just end it like this, it's better for everyone." At least this way, she could keep the last piece of pure land for him in her heart.

Lin Wei fell silent on the other end of the line. She could hear the deep pain and near-desperate clarity in Xia Wan's voice. As her best friend, she felt heartbroken, but she also understood that what Xia Wan needed right now wasn't encouragement to fight for her, but support for her decision. Xia Wan chose to protect her already broken heart.

"Wanwan..." Lin Wei's voice softened, filled with deep heartache, "Have you...really decided?"

"Yeah." Xia Wan nodded vigorously, even though Lin Wei couldn't see. "It's decided. A short pain is worse than a long one."

"Okay." Lin Wei took a deep breath. "No matter what decision you make, I support you! So... how are you now? He's looking for you, do you want to..."

"I don't want to see him, Weiwei." Xia Wan interrupted her, her voice pleading, "Help me...block him for me. Just say I... am on a business trip, or back to my hometown. I don't want to have anything to do with him anymore." She needed a safe distance, a space to lick her wounds.

"Okay! Leave it to me!" Lin Wei agreed immediately. "You should have a good rest and don't overthink it. When this storm is over, I'll take you out to have some fun! Three-legged frogs are hard to find, but two-legged men are everywhere! We don't care about Jiang Yu!"

After hanging up the phone, Xia Wan collapsed exhausted onto her bed, covering her head with the quilt. Tears silently soaked the pillow once again. It was over. The relationship between her and Jiang Yu, begun after a chaotic night, sustained by guilt and responsibility, and driven by her unilateral hope that it would blossom, had been brought to an end by her own hands.

Like a deserter, afraid to face the possible truth, she chose the most cowardly yet direct option—fleeing the battlefield. She knew she was a coward, but she had no other choice. Ten years of secret love weighed like a heavy yoke, robbing her of the courage to fight to the bitter end when faced with the possibility of complete disillusionment. She wanted only to hide, retreat into the safety of her shell, to digest the bitterness of this loss alone. Perhaps, this was just her own way of feeling.

A few days later, Xia Wan applied to her company for a project that required her to return home. She needed to leave this place where Jiang Yu's shadow was everywhere, she needed space and time to heal, and she also needed to return to the only place that made her feel safe and familiar, the room in her hometown where all her girlish thoughts were hidden.

She simply packed her bags, sent Lin Wei a message, and boarded the train home. As the familiar city skyline grew clearer outside the train window, Xia Wan felt a surge of mixed emotions: the relief of escape, the dull pain of heartbreak, and a vague unease.

She had no idea how Jiang Yu's world would be shaken by her sudden "breakup" message after she left. Lin Wei's evasive explanation on the phone, "Wanwan went back to Jincheng to take care of some family matters. I've been very busy lately," clearly didn't satisfy him. He tried to contact Xia Wan, but his calls were rejected and his messages fell on deaf ears. That feeling of loss of control gripped him once again—she had vanished again! Just like that chaotic morning!

"Let's… just stop here. Don't even try."

That short line of words, like a flash of cold lightning, suddenly and without warning shattered all the tasks he was currently handling and all the meticulous planning he had been planning. The warm air from the office's constant temperature air conditioner instantly became bone-chilling.

...That’s it?

He stared at the words, his fingertips unconsciously tightening on the cold tabletop. Somewhere in his chest, it felt like an invisible hand was gripping it tightly, then suddenly pulling it away. It wasn't anger, at least not entirely. It was a stranger, sharper feeling, a sense of weightlessness, a feeling of immense inertia.

Trying what? What did she think they were trying?

Ever since the position next to him became vacant, relatives and friends have tried to arrange for him to join them, and even tried to find one themselves, but he's refused. He's tired, exhausted, and doesn't want to worry about anyone anymore. But her appearance that day was different.

That reunion brought him back to an old classmate named Xia Wan. Her moist almond-shaped eyes, rosy cheeks, and the way she glanced at him, intentionally or unintentionally. Having experienced so much of the world, that innocent, captivating glance truly touched his heart. This "Xia Wan" was different from the one he'd always remembered. This "Xia Wan" had a touch more of a girlish spirit.

When she threw herself at him that day, he could have refused. He wasn't the drunk one, but why did he start doing it for some unknown reason?

Compensation? Responsibility? Yes, he admitted. The glaring red on the disheveled hotel sheets that night burned through his subsequent calm and distance like a red-hot needle. He had never imagined it would be like that. He had assumed she... at least had experience. That mixture of shock, bewilderment, and an inexplicable heaviness made him feel out of control in her presence for the first time. Those words, "I owe you," hadn't been empty. He tried to use the method he knew best—control and giving—to make up for that debt, to bring her into the orbit of "responsibility" he could understand.

Perhaps he didn't know how to express himself. Ever since Shen Zhiyao left him, a piece of his heart had been missing, and with it, the so-called "love" had vanished. Yes, he didn't know how to love someone anymore, as if he had lost the ability to do so. The passionate love he'd felt in his youth had consumed his energy. A psychiatrist had even said it was post-traumatic stress disorder, something he needed to work through on his own, or have someone guide him through it. That youthful love had become a thorn in his heart, lodged in the deepest part of his heart, a trace of blood spilling out with every heartbeat.

But he has given all he can.

What does she want?

Anxiety coiled around him like a vine. He was used to being in control, used to everything going according to plan. But Xia Wan, this seemingly quiet, even timid woman, always managed to easily disrupt his rhythm. From the desperate way she'd thrown herself at him the night of the class reunion, to her stubborn insistence on reviewing the plan in the factory, to now, unilaterally and decisively shutting down every attempt he'd made to establish contact!

What right did she have? Why could she come and go as she pleased? What did she regard Jiang Yu as? A tool to be summoned and dismissed at will?

Anger swelled in his chest, trying to mask the uncomfortable feeling of weightlessness and, deeper still, a hint of panic. Yes, panic. That morning when she disappeared into the hotel, that late night when he received her call and heard her helpless yet stubborn defiance, that moment in the factory when he saw her nearly fall... that cold fear of "it's too late," like a maggot on his tarsal bones, gnawed back again.

He thought that by taking her into his "care," he could dispel this fear. But now, she was leaving. Once again, she was disappearing from his side.

no.

This thought, with its almost instinctive paranoia, instantly overwhelmed all his anger and confusion. He couldn't let her leave like this. At least, he couldn't let her misunderstand him—think of him as a cold-blooded machine who only knew how to "compensate" with material things and rules.

What right did she have to unilaterally declare it over? She owed him an explanation! A clear, unambiguous explanation! He wanted to know why she pushed him away! Why she interpreted every approach of his as such a disgrace!

He snatched up his phone and dialed her number. The monotonous, repetitive busy tone resonated, each beep like a hammering on his frayed nerves. Not picking up? Great. The coldness in his eyes froze into ice.

"Li Mo!" He pressed the intercom button, his voice as cold as ice. "Check! Check her current location! Immediately! Right now!"

He couldn't wait any longer. The feeling of losing control, of losing contact, was more unbearable than any harassment from a business rival. He had to find her and confront her directly. This time, she wouldn't try to escape. No matter where she hid, even if he had to dig deep, he would find her and make her look him in the eye and answer the question: Why?

When his assistant, Li Mo, cautiously informed him that Xia Wan's itinerary had indeed been returned to Jincheng, Jiang Yu stood before the huge French window, gazing at the bustling yet icy city below, his face gloomy enough to drip with water. He gripped his phone, his knuckles white, his deep eyes swirling with the sullen anger of rejection, bewilderment, and a deeper panic, one he himself hadn't even noticed.

Their relationship had begun with a bang, then became chaotic, then ended inexplicably and silently. It wasn't until she completely vanished that he realized how little he knew about her. Besides her best friend, Lin Wei, he didn't even know if Xia Wan had any other friends. And back in high school, even though they sat in front of each other, he never once noticed her. Xia Wan was like a breath of fresh air, always there, a dispensable presence.

In his memory, she was always very quiet, listening quietly in class and sitting quietly after class. Jiang Yu was in front of him, but he seemed to be unaware of her presence. On the other hand, Lin Wei, Xia Wan's deskmate, had a stronger presence in Jiang Yu's heart than Xia Wan. Because after class, he could hear Lin Wei's chattering voice, and occasionally Xia Wan's gentle reply.

Xia Wan actually enjoyed studying. Jiang Yu remembered one time when he overheard two girls, heads bowed, grumbling over a physics problem. Neither of them had the right answer. Jiang Yu internally laughed at the girls for being so stupid. They shouldn't have asked if they didn't know the answer! That was the first time he'd taken the initiative to help them solve a problem. Since then, Xia Wan and him had another connection. But when he thought about Xia Wan in high school, she always seemed vague and shrouded in mist.

Maybe... At the beginning, he did see the shadow of Shen Zhiyao in her, but the two of them were so different. They had different personalities, different looks, different ways of dressing, and different preferences.

What about now? Is she still someone else's...shadow to him? Even Jiang Yu himself doesn't know the answer to this question. Does she still like Xia Wan? Even Jiang Yu can't be sure of this answer.

The anger in my heart was extinguished by my clear cognition.

"Prepare the car." He told Li Mo weakly, "Go to Jincheng."

This time, he went to see her, was it for a reason to end things or an opportunity to start over? Perhaps even he himself did not see clearly. And the wheel of fate was pushing these two people, each with their own thoughts, towards the starting point of all the secrets of youth - Jincheng.