Chapter 39 Regret

Yuzuru Hanyu regretted it the moment the message was sent.

After waking from the nightmare, he didn't fall back asleep. He held up his phone and soullessly flipped through the photo album. There weren't many pictures on his phone, but there were quite a few in the cloud. He flipped through them one by one, and the clarity of the photos vividly demonstrated the evolution of Apple's cameras over the years, from iPod to iPhone.

I flipped through the photo album aimlessly, but every time Le's face appeared on the screen, my fingers would pause for a moment.

There aren't many photos of the two together, and most of the ones where Le appears are candid shots by him. Hanyu has always been a terrible photographer, and that messy backflip photo he took for someone else at the Winter Olympics exposed his poor photography skills. Le was one of his main targets in his early years, before he had to confront his own photographic abilities.

In photos, Le is usually not centered, and her poses vary depending on the circumstances. By the summer of 2016, many of her photos showed her serenely seated on the floor in front of a sofa, head bent over sewing her pointe shoes.

He remembered the first time he saw Le struggling to break a shoe, amused, and offered to help. It was then that he realized the seemingly ordinary satin shoe was actually quite stiff. He applied gentle pressure twice, with no sway. The third time, he relaxed his grip, and it worked perfectly, breaking it in one go. Thinking of Le's expression, wanting to be angry but unable to say anything, Hanyu couldn't help but laugh.

The next photo is his shot of the Swan Lake curtain call. That summer, he went to see her company perform, but he couldn't quite find the right music in the three swans, and his curtain call photo was a large group of people, with no focus on the right individuals.

"There are three geese in total, and you can't find me? Yuzuru Hanyu, you should reflect on yourself!" I remember that time when Le pinched his face and complained when he saw the photo.

"You two really look exactly alike! So when are you going to do a solo or play the leading role? I won't make a mistake!" He rubbed his cheek, which was hurt by the pulling, and refuted her harshly. Now thinking back to Le's silence at that time, how could he have said such a thing?

Looking at her smiling or playful expressions in different photos, the longing accumulated in Hanyu's heart became stronger and stronger, mixed with an indelible bitterness.

Yuzuru Hanyu knows all too well the pain of being criticized and unable to refute. He once said he repeatedly questioned what he had done wrong and felt like giving up, and his words were true. And how much effort did Le have to hide all his grievances so tightly?

This feeling gradually became uncontrollable while flipping through the album. When the time showed 6:30, I immediately sent a message to the person I missed.

After I sent it, I just remembered that it was 6:30 here, but it should still be 5:30 in China!

Besides, what was he going to tell Le? Was she aware of the Twitter controversy? Was she avoiding him during the Winter Olympics exhibition skating because she realized that being around him would put her at the center of public opinion again?

Before Yuzuru Hanyu could wrap his mind around the twists and turns, the word "read" appeared in gray next to the message bubble.

Was she awake so early? Did she know about the Twitter post? Had she been up all night?

Le was speechless as she looked at the word "read" on her phone screen. She was so used to WeChat that she'd forgotten that LINE marked whether a message had been read. She'd clicked the dialog box too quickly, and now she was exposed.

There is no way.

【Raku: Actually, I want to confess something. 】

After reading this message, Yuzuru Hanyu suddenly sat up from his side-lying position browsing his phone, sat up straight with his legs crossed, and stared nervously at the three flashing small dots that represented the input being performed.

Confess? What was she going to confess?

【Raku: I'm actually currently in quarantine at a hotel in Tokyo, and I'll be able to return to Sendai this afternoon.】

Huh? Eh??!!!

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"You kid, you didn't even tell me and grandpa before you came back." Grandma took the mattress out of the closet and handed it to Le. "Fortunately, we often take out your and Feng's things to air them out. Otherwise, I wonder how you would sleep when you come back."

"I want to give you a surprise~" Le wrinkled her nose and smiled, acting coquettishly to her grandma, but she quickly avoided the gaze and lowered her head to make her bed carefully, as if she was afraid that her grandma would continue to nag her.

Huizi looked at her granddaughter like this, and it was as if she saw Feng when she was little. She would avoid him when he did something wrong, but he would also hug her arm and beg for mercy. In the blink of an eye, Xiaole was 28 years old. She was more beautiful than Feng was back then, and like Feng, she was a person with her own ideas.

Feng's personality has always made Huizi both proud and worried. Independent people who don't follow the crowd often face more hardships, and even if they don't say it, their mother always feels distressed. Fortunately, Feng has found a good home now, and I hope Le can find one too.

"Keiko, are you guys done cleaning up?" Suginohara Muneusuke knocked on the door and asked, "It's rude to let Hanyu-kun stay in the living room alone for too long."

"Didn't I ask you to chat with him? There's really nothing you can do as an old man." Keiko stood up, straightened her trouser legs, and followed Sosuke downstairs, leaving Le alone to continue tidying up the room.

Yes, Yuzuru Hanyu is in the living room downstairs.

An hour ago, Le had emerged from the train station, suitcase in hand, and saw no one waiting to pick her up. "If he's not coming, why ask when the Shinkansen arrives?" she muttered, slamming the taxi trunk shut. Le mentally planned to get Yuzuru Hanyu to reimburse her for the fare.

The taxi drove smoothly. The next intersection would take them to their grandparents' house. The figure standing at the gate was getting closer and closer, and her heartbeat grew heavier with anticipation. The car stopped steadily in front of Suginohara's house. That idiot, lightly dressed and leaning on a cane, stood outside her car door, looking at her with a smile.

"Why are you..."

Before she could finish her words, he pulled her into his arms. He didn't say anything, just hugged her.

"Yuzuru?"

"I'm sorry." He lowered his head and whispered, hugging her tighter.

"Hmm? What?"

This question seemed to have flipped some emotional switch in Yuzuru Hanyu. He let go of her arms and returned to his previous smiling face. He said, "I can't help you with your luggage. I have to go get it myself."

So the injured Yuzuru Hanyu sat on the sofa in the living room as a guest with peace of mind, while Le followed his grandmother back to the room to tidy up, and then went to the kitchen to prepare dinner.

"Xiao Le, go and talk to the boy from the Hanyu family. Grandma doesn't need your help here. That boy came all the way to pick you up, so he must have something to say to you, right? We old couple have disturbed him for a long time, so you two go and talk." After dinner, Grandma Huizi drove Le out of the kitchen and called her old man into the kitchen to help.

After wiping the water off his hands, he came out to see Yuzuru Hanyu sitting on the porch, lost in thought. Le grabbed the thick blanket draped over the sofa and opened the porch door. He didn't know what his grandmother had said Yuzuru Hanyu wanted to say to her, but Le did have something to say.

"What are you thinking about?" Le shook out the thick blanket and draped it over him, then sat down beside him. Hanyu shifted the blanket around his shoulders and reached out his left hand to wrap around Le's shoulders, wrapping them both in the thick blanket.

The nights in Sendai at the end of February were still cold. Under the corridor lights, I could see my breath turning into white mist and drifting in the air. I didn't know if it was the lighting or the lack of stars, but the bright moon in the sky seemed a little lonely.

"Yuzuru, do you have something to say to me?" Le turned his head and looked at him. "You haven't been quite right today. Ever since I came downstairs, you've been looking at me with a very strange look, even during dinner."

Le tilted her head, trying to find a suitable way to describe his eyes, and then an idea flashed, "Yes, that's the look you give a tragic heroine."

"Pfft—what kind of description is that?" Yuzuru Hanyu lowered his head and chuckled softly, then tilted his head and bumped it against Zangle's head. "When you were upstairs, Grandpa Sosuke showed me a lot of photos and videos of you when you were a child."

The person next to him frowned slightly, with confusion in his eyes, as if saying, so what?

"Le was really cute when he was little."

"You think I'm not cute anymore, so it's a pity?"

Hahahahaha——

In the quiet backyard, Yuzuru Hanyu's laughter spread, and he raised his hand to rub the top of Le's hair.

"Le has always been very cute. So this is not a pity at all, but after watching Le dancing ballet as a child, I really want to say sorry to you."

"Here we go again..." Le slapped the hand on his head away and stood up to leave, but was grabbed by Yuzuru Hanyu. He was quite strong, and Le couldn't break free. He sighed, "Yuzuru, I've told you several times before that you don't need to apologize for this. This matter is over. Let's not talk about it again, okay?"

"Can't."

"So what do you want? Just an apology? OK, I accept it, I forgive you, is that okay?"

"Can't."

Those two short syllables wiped out Le's patience. She shook off her hand and stood up, looking down at the person still sitting there. "Hanyu Yuzuru, what do you want?"

Yuzuru Hanyu thought about it, pulled the edge of the blanket, raised his head and opened his arms to Le.

"I want to hug you."

This request seemed quite out of place in the entire conversation, yet the way he opened his arms seemed completely sincere. It seemed that if he refused even such a trivial request, he would be an unforgivable person.

Le hesitantly sat down again, but before she could move over, he pulled her into his arms, wrapping her in the warm blanket and his chest.

"I'm sorry, I was too self-righteous before and said some harsh things to you." He apologized in a low voice, the sound resonating in his chest. Le seemed to guess something. She broke free from his arms and looked at him.

"Yuzuru, did you see that F&B entry on Twitter last night?"

“Yeah, I watched that show too.”

Leaving his embrace, the cold air from outside suddenly enveloped her, and his words made Le nervously clench her slightly sweaty fists. Hanyu Yuzuru reached out and cupped her fist in his own. He moved closer to her and draped the blanket over her again.

"I just think I should have known earlier so that you wouldn't have been alone for so long. I wouldn't have said such harsh words." He lowered his head and gently stroked her clenched fist, letting her slowly relax it. He clasped his fingers with hers and spoke softly, "Now that you're back this time, I'll be there for you no matter what decision you make. I support you. You can also return to the dance troupe if you want to."

Le looked at his gentle eyes, lowered them for a moment, and slowly said, "I still don't want to go back to the spotlight."

"Um?"

"It doesn't matter what the reporters say, or what the past slander is. I won't avoid it anymore. I'll tell you the whole truth, so that no matter when someone with ulterior motives digs it up, it won't hurt you anymore." She looked up at him firmly, "But being a ballet dancer, I guess, really isn't right for me."

Yuzuru Hanyu looked at her in disbelief, and the obvious loneliness in his eyes made him clench his hands in pain.

Le Ziran also sensed his confusion, rubbed his thumb, and asked softly, "Do you remember what I asked you when you were injured before Pyeongchang?"

"You asked me what was the first thing that came to my mind when I was injured." This question left a deep impression on Hanyu. When everyone was concerned about his injury and what choices he would make in the future, only Le came over and asked what he thought of the moment he was injured.

"I remember you telling me at that time that all you were thinking about was when you could get back on the ice."

"Um."

"That year, I felt relieved." Le pulled away his hand, looked toward the courtyard at the sky, and breathed out the white mist as he spoke to himself, as if recounting a distant story. "At that time, everyone was speculating wildly about me, and the internal competition in the dance troupe was overwhelming me. I also got injured, and the doctor told me to rest for two months. The moment I heard the news, I breathed a sigh of relief."

"At that time, I remember teacher Tina discovered my overeating and vomiting. She told me that this pressure was part of the necessary test to become a principal dancer, and if you couldn't handle it, you weren't cut out for it. So, it was me who gave up ballet because I couldn't handle the pressure. I'm not some tragic heroine. I gave up standing center stage because I wasn't strong enough. Because I wasn't strong enough, I couldn't withstand the competitive pressure of the troupe, the harsh criticism from the audience, or the fabricated stories from reporters and the media."

She turned her head and smiled somewhat self-deprecatingly, "A coward like me, perhaps, is really no longer fit to stand center stage. So what you said before was not wrong, and you don't have to apologize to me."

Yuzuru Hanyu listened to her finish such a long speech in silence, and the temples on his forehead were throbbing with pain.

From last night to today, he had imagined many different scenarios of Le talking to him about her past: angry, tearful, and sobbing. Just thinking about her past grievances made him feel heartbroken. He had put in a lot of mental preparation, but he couldn't confidently say that he wouldn't cry even harder than Le did when he heard them.

But what is the situation now?

"What the hell are you talking about?" Yuzuru Hanyu gripped Le's shoulders with both hands. His voice was quiet, and his serious expression betrayed his anger. The strength in his hands gradually increased with his anger. "Why do you keep blaming yourself? You've clearly done well enough. Those people slandered you, hurt you, and wronged you. Why do you still blame yourself?"

"If you used to use these nonsense to make yourself feel better, that's in the past. I can't control it. But from now on, I won't allow you to use PUA like this anymore."

Although Yuzuru Hanyu was sitting, he felt a two-meter-high pressure. The force of his hand squeezed her shoulder so hard that it hurt. Before Le could recover from this oppressive feeling, Yuzuru Hanyu suddenly leaned over and pressed his forehead against hers, and his right hand touched the back of her head, locking her retreat.

"Thank you for your hard work, Le. You have been really trying hard. Now that I am here, I will never let you suffer these inexplicable grievances again."

His voice was gentle and reassuring. Being so close, perhaps the vibrations of sound transmission made her nose ache, but Le's tears suddenly flowed like a broken thread. She threw herself into Hanyu's arms, the sudden force causing him to stagger. He held Le, and the back of his head hit the wooden pillar behind him. The dull thud didn't interrupt Le's tears, and she sobbed even louder in his arms.

Yuzuru Hanyu ignored the dull ache at the back of his head and simply sat leaning against a pillar, holding Le's shoulders tightly and patting her back gently to soothe her. It would probably take a while for her to cry out ten years of grievances.

Damn it, I feel like crying too.