Chapter 36
Summer came exceptionally early in 2016.
The summer heat in the south is thick and humid, and the cicadas chirp desperately in the university campus of Fuzhou, just like they did in the high school campus three years ago.
Sang Sui's university life was as calm as a deep pool.
The eight-year medical program was so demanding that it was almost suffocating. Anatomy, pharmacology, pathology... countless terms and theories filled most of her time, leaving her little room to daydream.
She got used to the smell of disinfectant mixed with old books in the library, used to spending afternoons in front of a microscope in the laboratory, and used to moving alone between the dormitory, classroom and canteen.
Occasionally, boys would show interest in her.
Senior students from the same department, or male students from other colleges, may express their affection, either subtly or directly.
Sang Sui always politely but distantly refused, using the same reason: "Thank you, but I don't want to be in a relationship right now."
Is it really that you don't want to?
Maybe.
She just felt that a certain part of her heart was so full that no new things could be put in.
There lives a figure that has stood the test of time, faded yet still stubbornly persistent.
Qiao Chunzhao also stayed in Rongcheng and attended an ordinary undergraduate university.
The two often met up to go shopping and eat, just like they did in high school.
Qiao Chunchao was no longer as boisterous as before. When Chi Shu was mentioned, she could shrug calmly: "We broke up. We broke up a long time ago. He changed several girlfriends not long after starting university."
She scooped up a large spoonful of ice cream and stuffed it into her mouth, saying indistinctly, "Now I realize that eating is still the most important thing. Liking someone is too damn tiring, I will never like someone like that again."
Sang Sui looked at her, smiled, and didn't say anything. But a voice inside her whispered in response: Yes, I'm so tired.
But the person you liked too intensely when you were young is like a soft thorn in your heart. When you don't touch it, you're fine, but if you do, the memories of your entire youth will ache.
She could never forget Liang Fengshen.
Never forgotten.
During her first winter break after starting university, her first May Day holiday, her first National Day holiday... she went to Beijing for almost every slightly longer holiday, using various excuses.
After her parents divorced, they each had new priorities in life. Grandma's health required regular check-ups but had stabilized, and she seemed to have more "free" space.
She didn't tell anyone her real reason for going to Beijing. She simply boarded the train to Beijing again and again, like any ordinary tourist or a persistent pilgrim.
She had been to the area near the top art school he attended, to the alleys where he might frequent, to order a bowl of beef noodles that he might like, to sit in the greasy little shop, to eat slowly, but her gaze would involuntarily drift to every boy with a similar figure who walked by outside the window.
No.
She had sneaked into his strictly managed art school campus, wandering aimlessly under the sycamore trees, outside the practice rooms, and in front of the bulletin board plastered with various performance posters.
She watched as stylish, good-looking young men and women walked by, chatting and laughing. They radiated the confidence and brilliance unique to art students, but none of them were him.
She kept track of all his public and even minor activities.
He signed with a good company, and his trainee career seemed to be going smoothly. He started appearing in some small performances and web dramas, and his Weibo followers gradually increased. He already had his own small fan club.
In the occasional training videos or candid photos that surface, he still looks slender and upright, but the youthful innocence in his eyes has gradually faded, replaced by a more angular and distant presence that belongs to the stage.
The distance between them was no longer just between classrooms or floors; it was a real distance, one on the ground and the other in the clouds, separated by a screen and countless cheering crowds.
Before leaving Beijing this time, she didn't go near his school again. She walked alone, aimlessly, and unknowingly walked onto a pedestrian overpass connecting to a commercial area.
As dusk falls, the city lights begin to illuminate the scene.
The traffic in Beijing flows like a golden river, meandering under the bridges.
The summer evening breeze ruffled her hair, which was damp with sweat from her journey.
She subconsciously looked up, her gaze sweeping across the tallest office building on the other side of the bridge.
Then, at that moment, her breathing completely stopped.
A huge LED screen, covering almost the entire wall, is playing an advertisement for a high-end watch on a loop.
The background is a stark urban nightscape, shimmering with vibrant lights.
In the center of the image, the boy she had longed for day and night, wore a well-tailored black suit, turned slightly to the side, wore an exquisite watch on his wrist, and gazed intently at the camera.
His features were magnified to the extreme on the ultra-high-definition screen, so handsome that they were impeccable, yet so unfamiliar that they made her uneasy.
Liang Fengshen is no longer the cool and clean-cut boy in school uniform, nor the singer holding a guitar and singing softly on stage, but a real, radiant star.
His stage name and the brand of the watch on his wrist, a watch she could probably never afford in her lifetime, were displayed on the screen.
Neon lights flashed, car headlights flowed, and the huge screen, like a window to another world, projected his dazzling yet distant figure with unparalleled clarity before her eyes.
Sang Sui stood on the overpass, as if frozen in place.
All sounds around him disappeared, and only his heart beat slowly and heavily in his chest, each beat accompanied by a clear pain.
She looked up, staring intently at the familiar yet unfamiliar person on the screen, watching him surrounded by countless lights and gazes, watching him walk towards a wider world that she could no longer reach.
The evening breeze carried the dry heat of a northern summer night, yet it made her feel icy cold all over.
Tears welled up unexpectedly, blurring my vision and his exceptionally handsome face on the screen.
She raised her hand and wiped away her tears with the back of her hand, trying to open her eyes wide to see him more clearly.
Then, in a voice only she could hear, facing the dazzling yet cold light, facing the person on the screen, she choked back tears and whispered:
"Liang Fengshen".
I still miss you.
The sound dissipated into the noisy traffic and the urban wind, and no one heard it.
Just like her grand yet silent unrequited love that lasted throughout her youth, it began with a heartbeat unknown to anyone and ended with a longing that went unanswered.
In the spring of another year, Liang Fengshen is finally going to hold his first solo concert.
On the day the news was officially announced, Sang Sui held her phone, her heart beating faster than before she handed in her final exam paper years ago.
The moment the pre-sale channel opened, her fingers trembled as she frantically clicked, but the screen kept freezing, and in the end, only a cold and indifferent "out of stock registration" message popped up.
I couldn't get one.
Just like she could never secure a place in his life.
But she was not willing to give up.
That obsession with wanting to get even a little closer to him, even if it was just sitting in the farthest corner of the audience and catching a glimpse of him from afar, clung to her like a vine.
She gritted her teeth and contacted a ticket scalper for the first time in her life.
The price quoted by the other party made her gasp; it was almost two months' worth of her living expenses.
Her finger hovered over the payment confirmation button for a long time. In the end, the desire for that fleeting, illusory closeness overwhelmed all reason. She paid, and looking at her account balance that shrank instantly, she felt a sharp pain in her heart, yet it was accompanied by a twisted, almost self-destructive joy.
On the day of the concert, she took a day off and boarded a train to the city where the concert was held.
She pulled out the most expensive and most beautiful dress from her wardrobe, put on exquisite makeup, and looked at the unfamiliar yet familiar self in the mirror, as if this could shorten the vast distance between them.
The area outside the venue was bustling with activity, as fans held up support signs, their faces beaming with excitement and happiness.
Sang Sui clutched the expensive, almost burning ticket, his palms sweating.
As she stood in line, her heart pounded faster and faster with each step, as if it were about to burst out of her chest.
It was finally her turn.
She almost held her breath as she handed the ticket to the ticket inspector.
The machine scanned the ticket, emitting a piercing non-compliance warning sound. The ticket inspector examined the ticket several times, then handed it back to her expressionlessly: "Fake. You can't get in."
Fake.
The two words struck her like two heavy hammers, hitting her eardrums hard, making her vision go black, and the sounds of the whole world fade away in an instant.
She crossed mountains and rivers, arriving here with great excitement, only to exchange a thin piece of paper for an almost absurd price, yet she didn't even have the right to step through that door or catch a glimpse of him from afar.
The people in line behind them started to urge them on impatiently.
The ticket inspector gestured for her to leave the passage.
Sang Sui stood there blankly, clutching the flimsy, worthless fake ticket in his hand. Looking at the entrance of the venue so close at hand, and listening to the warm-up music and cheers from the fans, a huge, absurd sense of grievance and despair poured down on him like ice water, instantly freezing his limbs.
All her persistence and all her desperate gambles turned into a complete joke at this moment.
She could no longer control herself; tears streamed down her face, not silently, but like a bursting dam, accompanied by suppressed, broken sobs.
She stood there amidst the bustling, excited crowd, like a lost child, crying uncontrollably, oblivious to everyone around her, her sobs heart-wrenching. She felt no trace of the surprised, curious, or sympathetic glances directed at her.
She crossed physical mountains and rivers, but she could never cross the chasm that fate had set between them.
That bout of weeping was like a high fever; what remained after it subsided was a deeper weariness and a certain clarity.
After returning to school, Sang Sui began to try to accept new relationships.
He was a senior in the same department, gentle, patient, and very kind to her. She told herself to let go of the past and start anew.
She tried her best to be a good girlfriend, attending classes together, eating together, and studying together in the library.
The senior student will remember that she doesn't like scallions and cilantro, will make her brown sugar water during her period, and will awkwardly comfort her when she is frustrated because of a failed experiment.
He's very good. Really very good.
But when he tried to hold her hand, and she saw the clear tenderness and expectation between lovers in his eyes, Sang Sui's heart was a desolate wasteland, unable to stir even the slightest ripple.
She found herself unable to engage, unable to experience that feeling of her heart racing and anxiety because of someone.
The relationship lasted less than three months, ending with her calmly initiating the breakup. The senior didn't try to stop her, only asking bitterly, "Was there something wrong with me?"
Sang Sui shook her head, her voice soft but carrying a sense of resigned desolation: "No, you are good. It's me who isn't good enough."
There's already someone incredibly amazing living in my heart.
He occupied all my feelings of liking and excitement throughout my youth, and exhausted all my love for him.
When you meet a boy who is too amazing in your youth, everyone else becomes just a compromise.
But ultimately, she couldn't settle.
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