42 Unexpected
"On this day last year, in this very doorway, faces and peach blossoms reflected each other's rosy hue. But where have those faces gone? The peach blossoms still smile in the spring breeze."
"..." I looked up at Ruoyao, who was smiling. "Are you in heat in the dead of winter?"
"No, I just feel some sympathy for Prince Yelü and Prince Juexin," he answered honestly.
"Am I going too far?" I stopped preparing the medicine. Although I had planned to give Yelü Hong a medicine that would render her unable to stand, I couldn't bring myself to do it. My left hand held the fine rouge I had just prepared, and my right hand held the coin. If I weren't immune to all poisons, holding it like that would have taken me half to death, if not my life.
“Feiwu is so kind~” Ruoyao smiled and looked at me.
"Forget it!" I waved my hand, tossing the coin into the brazier. Black smoke swirled around it, and I stared, lost in thought. I stood up and, in a fit of pique, locked the rouge in a sealed box. Thinking about it, that prodigy—if I took his legs, he'd probably suffer a fate worse than death, becoming utterly despondent. That was definitely not what I wanted to see. The scene of him sneaking into the icy cliff at night to help me gather orchids, ending up covered in wounds, lingered in my mind. I couldn't forget it; I couldn't bring myself to do it. Although I was the Poison Prince's disciple, I still couldn't hurt someone who had treated me with such deep affection.
“Feiwu isn’t heartless, she just doesn’t want to be. The desire to witness that earth-shattering love has instilled fear in you.” Ruoyao sat before me, calmly gazing at the brazier. “Actually, Feiwu is temporarily blinded because you chose to escape. Because you’re afraid, afraid of the ending Xiangsheng will bring.”
"Don't say anymore. If you, Yao, are so carefree and can see through everything, I just... I just..." I leaned against the pillar, unable to continue. I was running away from the unbearable pain of that year in the icy pool, the suffering of being used as a test subject for drugs for three years, the inability to find relief physically, and the poisoning of my soul. In those dark years, I never understood what sustained me. I never thought of death, because if I did, I would inevitably succumb to Xiang Shang's torment and die. I survived, but I became numb. Yes, in those endless days, all that accompanied me were Xiang Shang's desperate piano music and heartless songs. After hearing them so many times, I eventually stopped believing in true love. If such a tragic, beautiful, and moving love couldn't last, if someone as exquisitely beautiful and outstanding as Xiang Shang couldn't find love, then how could someone like me?
I was born cursed; my father said I was a cursed lone star. Do I even deserve any love? Any care? I admit, I crave everyone's pampering and protection, because of my inner fear: how long can this care last? How long can I enjoy this warmth? So, in a depraved way, I thought, since we can't be together forever, I'll never touch that feeling again. I'll just indulge in everyone's pampering, even if it's only for a short day, just one day. I'll be happy one day at a time, because how can I expect such a wonderful thing for a lifetime?
"Feiwu is overthinking it." Ruoyao looked at my absent-minded expression. He walked over and gently stroked my back. "Don't think about it anymore, just let nature take its course."
"Ruo Yao." I held his thin body, feeling deeply saddened. What would become of me tomorrow? Would anyone still care for me next year?
"Let him go." A doorman stood at the entrance.
"You've come." I looked at Han Beiming's cold expression with some surprise. He glanced at me, his expression inscrutable, then walked over and pulled my hands away from Ruoyao's.
Yao shook her head with a half-smile and walked out, closing the door behind her.
"What are you doing?" I asked, somewhat embarrassed and angry. "Ruo Yao is my friend." I wanted to explain something, but I didn't want to see Han Beiming's furrowed brows and accusing eyes.
He gripped my wrist so tightly it hurt; I could feel him controlling his jealousy and anger. His eyes blazed with fury as he looked at me. I glared back at him without flinching. Had I done something wrong? He had simply misunderstood. After a long while, he began to breathe heavily, and the grip on my wrist loosened considerably.
"Fei'er, if you're sad, you can lean on my shoulder." I shook him off and prepared to leave.
“If you want to cry, you can lean on my chest,” he continued, his resolute tone forcing me to turn around and look at him.
"I'm strong only for you, so you can lean on me." He smiled, a strange smile. I didn't understand what he meant, I just stared blankly at his smile. It gradually overlapped with the image in my memory. That arrogant, overbearing boy was gone, replaced by a man weathered and profound. Why couldn't I understand what he said at the end? I wanted to ask, feeling like I was missing something important. What was he trying to say? Why couldn't I understand?
"Get some rest." Han Beiming gave a helpless, bitter smile, walked over, and patted my shoulder. "You've finally let go of your grudge; you must be exhausted. Get some rest. I'll come see you again tomorrow." With that, he left without looking back, leaving me alone to continue pondering. What exactly did I miss?
We've been staying at this separate courtyard in Kaifeng for a while now. Yao should be going back by now; I've troubled him for so long. He hasn't said anything. He hasn't left yet, probably because he's worried about my feelings. Looking at the weather—gloomy, with snowflakes falling—I went into the alchemy room.
"Di Yang?" I walked in. I saw a face I hadn't seen in a long time. "Why are you here?" I was surprised, but I didn't really want to see him. Because I already had the answer he wanted.
"Judging from your expression, I know I have no hope," Duan Diyang said with a bitter smile.
You're such a kindred spirit. Did I make it so obvious?
"However, I'm not here to make things difficult for you, but to bring Palace Master Han what he wants." Duan Diyang's smile was bitter, giving me a bad feeling. This matter must be related to me, otherwise he wouldn't have chosen to tell me. And in such a noisy place as the alchemy room, is he trying to prevent others from hearing our conversation?
"What is it?" I felt short of breath. A bad premonition grew stronger, piercing a hole in my heart.
"Heartless Grass." Duan Diyang walked up to me and whispered an answer in my ear.
"No!" I exclaimed.
Only the grass of heartbreak grows on the Cliff of Heartbreak.
Jumping off the cliff of despair, ☆Fried☆Ice Cream☆Organization☆
In the next life, I will only be a heartless person.
Heartbreak Grass enters the mouth,
I will never again be moved by love in this life.
The cliff of heartbreak holds the remains of heartless people.
The "heartless grass" embodies a heartless heart.
If not forgetting feelings, if not being heartless,
I will not commit suicide at the Cliff of Heartbreak, nor will I put the Heartbreak Grass into my mouth.
The Cliff of Heartbreak is where all those who are desperate, whose love is fruitless, whose affections are unrequited, and who are heartbroken by betrayal by their lovers go to commit suicide. Legend has it that Yama, the King of Hell, opened a passage there, and those who pass through it, even if they drink the Meng Po soup (soup of oblivion), will not forget the despair of their present life in their next life, nor will they ever fall in love with the same person again.
Consuming the Heartless Herb will cause all love and hate to fade away in an instant, making one forget all lovers, partners, and family. The more affectionate one is, the more one forgets. In the end, one becomes devoid of thought and desire, living a lonely life, unable to feel affection for anyone again.
Han Beiming, have you forgotten me?
Han Beiming, have I hurt you this much?
Han Beiming, must we end things this way?
Han Beiming, can you really bear to see me heartbroken and sad because of you?
Han Beiming, is our fate really this far off? You choose to be heartless, even to the point of ruining your own love life, rather than be hurt by me again.
Don't even think about it.
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