28. Let’s talk
Zeng Xiasheng's coat had a very faint smell of cigarettes, which disappeared in the night wind almost the moment Tang Sizhu smelled it.
He'd picked up smoking the summer after she transferred to another junior high school, but it hadn't become a habit, let alone an addiction. He'd only rarely resort to nicotine to soothe his nerves. Tang Sizhuo had felt a vague sense of strangeness at the time. Zeng Xiasheng was a hardworking man who disliked being restricted. Even in the dead of winter, he'd always rolled up his sleeves, but during that time, they were unusually pulled up to his wrists. It wasn't until the late spring of the following year, when Zeng Xiasheng accidentally wet his sleeve and instinctively pulled it up, that she noticed something strange about the skin on his left arm.
After several days of arguing, Tang Sizhuo nearly erupted in a quarrel over this. Zeng Xiasheng finally gave in to her insistence and rolled up her sleeves, one circle at a time. The stitches gradually appeared, seemingly endless, extending like a centipede to her elbow. Perhaps it was the surgeon's limited skill, or perhaps the wound was too deep, but the stitcher seemed unconcerned about the aesthetics of the healing process. The skin and flesh were twisted together, and even after more than half a year, the natural expansion of the tissue hadn't yet smoothed them out.
Fights were nothing new to Zeng Xiasheng. Sometimes, Tang Sizhuo even struggled to understand the trivial reasons, like why a fight would ensue when his neighbor mistakenly took his clothes, which had been hung outside. He could have just explained the reason and retrieved them, but Zeng Xiasheng saw it as deliberate bullying. If he didn't take the initiative, he'd be pushed further. But good and bad are intertwined, and experience builds. Having fought so often, he knew how to bluff and defend himself in physical altercations. Tang Sizhuo was therefore even more astonished, unable to imagine how he could have injured himself so badly.
When asked the reason, he just said it was a fight, nothing more.
Thinking back to the past, Tang Sizhuo stared blankly at the dark river, feeling rather ridiculous. She should have known long ago that no one could pry the truth out of him when he didn't want to talk about it. It was the passage of time that had fostered her delusion, that everything was over, that they didn't need to dwell on the past, that talking it out would allow them to let it go, that they could be free from any constraints and snuggle together freely and safely.
However, Zeng Xiasheng didn't think so. He might not have considered being with her at all. He pushed her away, rejected her, and was willing to work hard all night to sever even a trace of affection that could be considered gratitude. Now that Tang Sizhuo was finally exhausted and had no time to care about him, he approached her again, standing there silently.
She wanted to treat him the same way, tear off her coat and return it to him, saying that it had nothing to do with him if she froze to death here. However, her arms, numb from the cold, clung to the warmth and could not be lifted. Only her hoarse voice could still be heard, and she asked tiredly, "What do you want to do?"
Zeng Xiasheng moved closer, standing between her and the guardrail. The cold wind was slightly blocked, causing his loose sweater to sway.
He had always been taller than her since he started growing up in junior high school. After not seeing him for ten years, he had unexpectedly grown taller in prison and was much stronger than when he was little. When he frowned, his aura was frightening, as if his fist would hit her with the sound of wind at the next second.
At this moment, he also frowned, but his eyes were full of helplessness. His gaze fell on her calves, which were only wearing thin pantyhose, and he asked almost pleadingly, "Let's go home, okay?"
What if I go back?
Sitting in front of a room full of lights, losing consciousness with the help of sleeping pills, and then waking up in a sudden panic, that's all.
Once, the doctor asked her where the panic came from, was it because of a nightmare? Tang Sizhu shook her head and tears rolled down her face without warning, but she was unusually calm and told the doctor, "It was a beautiful dream."
Sweet dreams would leave her dazed and disoriented the moment she opened her eyes. She'd suspect her memory was flawed, that Sun Changming wasn't dead, that if she opened the bedroom door and walked out, she'd see Zeng Xiasheng sitting in the living room, smiling and asking her why she was up so early. Reality became a nightmare, and sometimes she even wondered if she'd never seen anyone collecting trash through the villa window. Everything was a fantasy she'd imagined after being driven mad.
Seeing she didn't respond, Zeng Xiasheng stopped talking. He was always tongue-tied, and if she didn't agree, he couldn't ask another question. He could only reach out and adjust the coat on her body, covering her body as much as possible.
Tang Sizhuo stood there, letting him fiddle with her, and suddenly felt so bored. She had wanted to torture her body to soothe her mind, but the reason for her unrest had to be blocked here, waiting for her to figure it out herself, or both of them would get sick from the cold.
She turned and walked back, her calves numb from the cold, like two ice picks stuck in the ground, crackling with every step. Zeng Xiasheng's men were suddenly free, but he said nothing and quickly caught up, still a little behind her, just to make sure he didn't lose her in the crowd.
Tang Sizhuo wandered aimlessly, finally realizing he had nowhere to go. He had to wait in line for an hour to get a taxi. The night wind gradually mixed with freezing rain, and it grew colder outside. Fortunately, there was a dining area inside, and tourists retreated cautiously into the shops.
The sweater not only did not keep out the wind but also absorbed water. Tang Sizhu heard two muffled coughs behind him, so he slowed down his pace and saw that two window-facing bar seats had just been vacated at McDonald's, so he pushed the door open and went in.
At this time, seats were up for grabs, but Zeng Xiasheng didn't catch up. After Tang Sizhuo sat down, the seat next to her was taken by someone else. Confused, she turned around to look for the person and found Zeng Xiasheng waiting in line at the counter, seemingly ready to order.
The riverside dining area was built in the last two years, modeled after Chongqing's. All the restaurants are brand new, and McDonald's is completely self-service, with touchscreen kiosks. Zeng Xiasheng, however, was clearly unaware of this. Tang Sizhuo watched him wait in line, slowly making his way to the front, only for the clerk to impatiently point at the kiosk behind him and tell him to go back and place his order there.
She had noticed him standing across from her when she and Wang Yue were leaving the office building. She had no idea where he was during the two hours they'd spent eating and chatting. He might have eaten, or he might not have. Tang Sizhuo thought it was none of her business, but when she saw him swiping nervously left and right at the ordering machine, unable to place his order and constantly complaining to the customers in line behind him, she couldn't bring herself to do it.
She jumped off her high chair and walked over, thinking he would pick up some snacks or pay, but she found the shopping basket empty.
"What would you like to order?"
Zeng Xiasheng didn't expect her to come over. He paused and whispered, "Hot pancakes, but I can't find them."
Tang Sizhuo's heart suddenly trembled, and his fingertips unconsciously retracted into his palm.
When he was little, he couldn't afford McDonald's, and she ate very little because of Xiao Tong's control. After Sun Changming came back, he often gave her pocket money, so she could afford to buy him hamburgers and fried chicken from time to time. She couldn't eat greasy food herself, but she loved eating with him and always ordered desserts, such as hot cakes.
"It was taken off the shelves a long time ago." Tang Sizhuo said.
Zeng Xiasheng was stunned for a moment, then his arms dropped, his breathing became lighter, he lowered his eyes and stepped aside, ready to leave the line and let the people behind him place their orders.
The boy behind him tutted loudly, "You're crazy. You're taking so long to order something without even ordering it."
He reached out to order, but was blocked by Tang Sizhuo.
"I just couldn't find anything I wanted to eat. I didn't mean to not order. Please be more respectful when you speak."
She was calm and composed, with no intention of adding fuel to the fire, but her gaze was sharp, her back was straight, and she had a sense of authority that came from teaching, which frightened the boy so much that he swallowed his words for a moment.
"We have the right to ask for your apology, but since it's a holiday, we won't bother." She even smiled and moved aside, "Please."
Zeng Xiasheng stood nearby, staring at her in amazement. He knew she was a lawyer now, but he had never seen Tang Sizhuo at work, so he had no idea what she looked like. The girl he remembered rarely got angry, spoke softly to everyone, and was even more timid around strangers. She wouldn't dare argue if someone shortchanged her with the weight of the item she bought. He didn't know when she had forged this assertive, effortless demeanor.
The meal wasn't ordered, but a ride-hailing driver arrived first. Tang Sizhuo thought she lived nearby, so she could go back first and then call a car to take Zeng Xiasheng back to avoid getting soaked in the rain. However, the driver was impatient and didn't allow her to change the destination.
So Zeng Xiasheng got off the car at the apartment door and walked into her house for the third time.
The room was even more chaotic than the previous two times. She seemed to be working at the dining table, with files and notes spread out across it. The few she needed were placed next to her computer, while the rest she didn't need was simply pushed to the floor, paper clips slipping out and papers scattered everywhere. Her clothes, worn out and inside, were piled up on the sofa in a heap. Perhaps there had been a landslide, but what had fallen to the floor was just there. Tang Sizhuo didn't even bother to kick them inside; he simply stepped around them when they were in the way.
She knew in her heart that she shouldn't let him see her like this, but she really didn't have the heart to care. Being able to wash and change clothes every day and take care of herself enough to go out had already exhausted all the energy she had supported by the medicine.
Zeng Xiasheng stood at the entrance of the living room and looked around. He could guess what the scene was like inside without entering the other rooms.
Tang Sizhuo had a terrible headache, so she ignored him and thought of it as a kind gesture, picking someone up to shelter from the rain. She walked to the innermost corner of the sofa, moved her clothes to make a small hole, and huddled in.
There was heating in the room, so it wasn't too cold. Zeng Xiasheng took off his sweater and put it on the back of the chair, revealing a half-wet black short-sleeved shirt underneath.
He started at the dining table, picking up the A4 papers scattered on the floor one by one, folding them into a pile and placing them on the corner of the table. Then he walked to the sofa and continued to pack her clothes, distinguishing between underwear and outerwear, dark colors and light colors, putting them in different categories, and checking the washing labels on each item.
Tang Sizhuo hugged his knees, leaning crookedly on the sofa, motionless, only his eyes followed him, watching him tidy up without saying a word.
Back in Beijing, Qiao Shu worried she'd let her daydream when alone, so she'd always invite Tang Sizhuo over for dinner once or twice a month. Qiao Shu's husband, a skilled cook who loved to study, would always cook a large table and warmly invite her to taste it. Normally, if friends didn't cook, she should wash the dishes, especially since they came so frequently. Yet, they wouldn't let her do it. After dinner, they'd always send her to the living room. They'd huddle in the kitchen, giggling, one washing the dishes while the other dried and put them back in the cupboard. It wasn't a chore, but a game just for them.
Therefore, when he rented this place, Tang Sizhu spent a lot of effort on decorating the kitchen, even though he had no desire for food.
Zeng Xiasheng carried the hand-washed clothes to the bathroom, not wanting the sound of running water to disturb her, and gently closed the door. Tang Sizhuo stared at the door with lifeless eyes and sighed, wondering how she could have forgotten. Zeng Xiasheng would never wash the dishes with her. He would just push her out, to the farthest place where she couldn't see him, and then stay in the kitchen alone.
She is not Qiao Shu, and cannot steal a life that does not belong to her. She can only have fantasies out of envy.
After a while, Zeng Xiasheng came out with a basin of washed clothes. He was about to pass through the living room to hang the clothes on the balcony when Tang Sizhuo suddenly called him.
"Let's talk."
He paused, turned to look at her, responded, immediately put down his clothes, wiped his wet hands casually on his pants, then walked over and squatted in front of her.
Tang Sizhuo was still leaning there, his eyes fixed on nowhere else, his tone so cold as if he was talking about someone else's business.
"I paid back the money your grandfather spent on his illness, but it was my personal choice. I'm disposing of my property, and it has nothing to do with you. I don't need you to pay it back, and I won't accept it. As for the case, if you don't want to investigate, then forget it. I'll investigate it myself. I want to give myself an answer, and it has nothing to do with you."
Her words were soft, but they were like a judge's hammer, decisively sentencing someone to death. Zeng Xiasheng looked up at her, unable to utter a single sound.
"If you don't want me to look for you, I won't go. You don't have to look for me or follow me. Just wait until the rain stops and go back. I don't want to see you for the time being."
Zeng Xiasheng stared at her in silence for a long time. Finally, he suddenly lowered his head, took a few deep breaths, and finally raised his head.
"You are ill."
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