29. Do you have anything to say?
When Tang Sizhu heard Zeng Xiasheng's words, he was confused for a moment, wondering how he knew that he was sick. Then he looked past him and saw the basin of clothes on the ground. Thinking of the mess in the house, it was hard not to think that she was sick.
When he was little, it was obvious that his schoolbag was a mess, his textbooks stained with grease, and he was lucky it didn't fall apart. It was obvious that he was imitating her, learning that books could be separated and neatly organized. Later, when he grew up, he kindly ruined her clothes while washing them. Although she didn't mind, she still taught him that different clothes have different materials, some can be washed in the washing machine, while others can only be washed by hand. At that time, Tang Sizhuo believed that they would go out together, and that one day he would be able to wear good clothes that required checking the care label, shedding the stigma of poverty.
However, as time passed, they ended up staying in the same place, and even became sloppy and messy, and he had to clean it up.
He had not thought before that he could survive when he was alone at home with the door closed. But now that Zeng Xiasheng walked into the ruins that looked like a robbery, Tang Sizhuo realized how shocking he looked in the eyes of others.
Since I'm sick, it's reasonable for me to not take care of my appearance.
Because he was sick, no matter how harsh her words were, he wouldn't listen.
Zeng Xiasheng squatted in front of her, as if he didn't know what to do. He didn't dare to make a sound, let alone move. He observed her carefully.
She had replaced the ceiling light in the living room, and the warm yellow light filtered through the glass hangings, illuminating the walls with vibrant colors. Before he was released from prison, she had shopped at the furniture market, hoping to make his living space less dim, yet worried about overbrightness. When she had a moment to snuggle in the living room after dinner, she would proudly show him every trace of the changes. But Zeng Xiasheng couldn't come, leaving her alone here.
Tang Sizhuo looked into Zeng Xiasheng's eyes, and saw his haggard appearance in the fragmented light and shadow.
How strange, she thought.
His expression of such tenderness was reserved for her when she was terminally ill. What did he want from her? Actively seek treatment, strive for recovery, and then accept another loss with the heart of someone who had just recovered from a serious illness, or give up and continue living in this illusion?
She believed that Zeng Xiasheng was the one who wished the best for her, but people have emotions and are not born only to be better.
Tang Sizhuo looked back at him helplessly and tiredly, feeling the dull pain in his forehead dripping down and flowing stickily throughout his body. Then his heart couldn't bear the burden and fell down, falling into the deep water of the dark pool without even a splash of waves.
There was no room for another word, so she closed her eyes and trapped herself in the familiar silence.
Zeng Xiasheng squatted in front of her for a long time before slowly standing up, quietly pulling out a scarf from the pile of clothes and putting it on her legs. Then he turned around, picked up the basin, and slowly walked to the balcony.
He thought about how Tang Sizhu had been feeling recently, that she couldn't eat or sleep, and even thought about finding traces of her self-harm in this room, but he never thought about seeing such a final despair in her eyes.
What can he do? What should he do?
Tang Sizhuo had never had an easy life. Although she often cried, she was stronger than anyone else. She was smart, beautiful, honest, and kind. She deserved to be loved and respected. If she wanted, she should have a happy marriage and she didn't need to hide it when anyone asked.
Frozen rain splattered against the windowpanes, making Zeng Xiasheng's eyes sting with pain. The shouting she'd received at the school gate echoed in his ears. The scars, deep and shallow, reminded him of how she would be speculated and criticized if she stayed with him. How she would be broken once again after escaping a childhood nightmare, perhaps being ostracized in the workplace, or some other outcome he couldn't even predict.
They've already suffered, haven't they?
Zeng Xiasheng was deeply upset and instinctively wanted to light a cigarette, but when he saw the laundry hanging in front of him, he slipped his lighter back into his pocket. The balcony had no heating, and although the sealed windows blocked out the wind, the temperature was still piercingly cold. Standing by the window in a short-sleeved shirt, he watched the riverbank light strips gradually dim, the streetlights casting a hazy glow. He suddenly understood Tang Sizhuo, who had deliberately endured the cold to seek pain just a few hours earlier.
At least take care of her eating and sleeping, he thought, at least let her live healthily in this world first.
Tang Sizhuo hadn't taken any sleeping pills, but listening to his deliberately quiet footsteps, back and forth, she could tell she'd drifted off to sleep without realizing it. With Zeng Xiasheng here, all movement became peaceful, and the darkness and emptiness beyond her sight no longer frightened her. She vaguely remembered Zeng Xiasheng picking her up and placing her on the bedroom bed, then clearing away the extra clothes and blankets. Half asleep, Tang Sizhuo struggled to speak, wanting him to keep the bear, but she couldn't open her eyes, and only meaningless mumblings came out.
Even so, after he put her in a slightly stretched sleeping position, she felt the touch of plush in her arms.
Not sleeping soundly, but unable to wake up either, Tang Sizhuo tossed and turned until she finally buried her head in the quilt. In her dream, she inexplicably relived her childhood memories. It was probably the beginning of winter after she transferred to another school. It was also freezing rain that day, so cold that pedestrians shivered and puffed out white mist whenever they opened their mouths.
Zeng Xiasheng no longer worked at the auto repair shop and did not agree to appear in public with her, so Tang Sizhuo finally ran away from home, but ended up on the streets. She pitifully called to ask where he was. Zeng Xiasheng had no choice but to take her to his home. His home was dimly lit, with nothing to play with, and filled with a damp, cold, earthy smell. The elderly were sleeping upstairs, and Tang Sizhuo did not dare to make any noise. He sat obediently on a small stool, but Zeng Xiasheng felt uncomfortable all over. Wherever Tang Sizhuo's eyes looked, he would get up and do the work. Sometimes he would push the bundle of cardboard at the door in, and sometimes he would pick up a rag to wipe the table. He kept going back and forth, but he just refused to stop and talk to her.
Thinking he was busy, Tang Sizhuo felt a little embarrassed to sit there. She looked around and finally found a faucet that was not closed tightly. It was dripping and there was a bucket underneath to catch the water. After running over to tighten it excitedly, she smiled and turned back to look at Zeng Xiasheng, thinking she deserved his praise, but his eyes wandered. He stood there gritting his teeth, his breathing suddenly heavy. Suddenly, he said coldly, "Wait until the rain stops, then go back."
At that time, Tang Sizhuo didn't understand why his expression suddenly changed. He was so frightened by his angry expression that he dared not breathe. He shrank back on the small stool, with the corners of his lips drooping in grievance, staring at the mold in the corner of the wall in a daze.
Zeng Xiasheng knew he'd said the wrong thing, and certainly shouldn't have been so angry with her, but he wasn't good at smoothing things over, and he didn't know what to do when a girl was angry. He stood there in silence for a moment, then fled the living room, braving the rain to feed the pigs and chickens. Finally, after finding three newly laid eggs in the chicken coop, he found an excuse and returned to Tang Sizhuo, soaking wet, asking her stiffly if she wanted to eat.
No one taught him how to please others or how to say anything softly. He only knew that when his elders were in a good mood or had beaten him by mistake, they would put an extra egg in the rice.
Tang Sizhuo wasn't hungry at all, but she nodded anyway. Afraid of angering him again, she followed him carefully. Zeng Xiasheng wouldn't let her get close to the stove, so she moved her small stool over and sat at the kitchen door, watching him expertly heat the oil in a wok, beat the eggs, stir-fry until they were fragrant, and then pour the leftover rice from the rice cooker into the wok. The small table used for eating in the kitchen was covered in a layer of grease from years of accumulation. Zeng Xiasheng took a look and didn't want her to eat on it, but she couldn't lift the large, rough porcelain bowl, so in the end he stood in front of her, holding the bowl in his hand, looking down at her as she pressed her face against the edge of the bowl and scooped rice into her mouth with chopsticks.
It was just egg fried rice, not particularly tasty, and Tang Sizhuo didn't eat much either. But it was made by a friend herself. It wasn't made to complete a chore like Xiao Tong, nor was it made to fulfill a job like her aunt did. She was simply made it specifically for her, so she was easily appeased. Although she didn't understand Zeng Xiasheng's tantrum for a long time afterwards, she kept thinking of the egg fried rice and couldn't get angry with him.
So when Tang Sizhu got up and saw the house that had been cleaned overnight and the table full of colorful dishes and an overly sumptuous breakfast, he no longer had the courage to resist. He obediently washed his face and brushed his teeth and sat down opposite Zeng Xiasheng.
Zeng Xiasheng did not sleep all night and his eyes were red.
Last night, after carrying Tang Sizhuo into the bedroom, he carefully checked the kitchen. Fortunately, he still found a piece of bread she had bitten a few times in the trash can. Fortunately, the refrigerator was full of expired fast food and wilted fruit, but no wine. The moment he closed the refrigerator door, he felt a strong fear in his heart - if Lin Feng hadn't come to find him, if he hadn't really followed her every day, if this freezing rain hadn't fallen tonight, would the next time he heard about Tang Sizhuo, it would not be the happy news of a successful career and a happy family, but the obituary of a person who had quietly left at some moment.
The bedroom bedside was piled high with medications. Zeng Xiasheng searched through them until he finally found her prescription among the papers he'd filed away as work documents. Tang Sizhuo had been ill for years, and she'd accumulated a vast collection of medications, far more than the prescriptions listed, which allowed her to take whatever she wanted. After she fell asleep, Zeng Xiasheng cleared them out and sat in the living room, comparing them to the prescriptions one by one, selecting the ones she could and should take, and hiding the rest in the top drawer of the cupboard, out of her sight.
He placed the pills cut according to the dosage on the corner of the table and said to her as naturally as if she were dealing with a common cold, "Eat something first to fill your stomach before taking the medicine."
A vast expanse of dishes lay spread out on the dining table. Zeng Xiasheng had rushed to the supermarket early in the morning and selected ingredients to suit her preferences, making porridge and noodles and even stir-frying a few dishes. Each dish was a small portion, so as long as she was interested in even a few bites, she would be happy.
Tang Sizhuo didn't pick up her chopsticks. Although it was difficult for her to regain the feeling of helplessness and dilemma she had last night, she still had to say what she had to say.
"Zeng Xiasheng." She spoke calmly, calling him by his full name. "You know my family's situation well. I've been sick since I was a child, but I only realized it when I grew up. You might have contributed to it a little, but I'm not sick because of you. I don't need you to do me a favor, let alone offer me sympathy."
Logically speaking, even when Tang Sizhuo wasn't a lawyer, Zeng Xiasheng was no match for her. Therefore, he couldn't find anything to say and could only sit there, staring at her helplessly.
However, Tang Sizhuo would not let him get away with it and asked him directly: "Do you have anything to say?"
Zeng Xiasheng's fingertips unconsciously rubbed his trouser legs, and then his eyes dropped, as if not looking at her could help him gather some courage to speak his true feelings.
"I want you to feel better."
"I know, thank you. Anything else?"
"I shouldn't have said that to you before."
"I'm not angry about your tone and attitude. You're not going to tell me now, are you? Then there's no need to apologize."
Zeng Xiasheng's words were blocked by her, and he dared not say another word as if he had done something wrong.
"If you can rest assured by staying here to take care of me, there's a bed in the study. I've also worn all the clothes I bought you, so you can wear them directly. Of course, it's up to you whether you wear them or not. I'll pay for the groceries, or if you can't accept that, we can split it in half. You can take care of my medicine if you want, but remember to give me the full recommended amount at each meal. You can use my access card first, and I'll ask the property management for another one after the holiday."
Tang Sizhuo explained calmly, as if he were negotiating, and finally said, "Just tell me a little in advance when you leave, so I can be mentally prepared."
As she spoke, she felt that these words were very familiar, like what Xiao Tong had instructed when the live-in aunt was on trial work. However, her family's long-term worker had no desires and did not even ask for salary, and even paid for her own meals.
Tang Sizhuo sighed lightly, picked up the chopsticks, but suddenly heard Zeng Xiasheng's hoarse, low voice.
"I won't leave," he said. "I won't leave even if you get better."
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