Chapter 56 Erfeng, listen to my story about Japan and South Korea
【! ! ! ???】
[Speechless! The last time I was speechless was last time!]
[Ahahahahahahahahahaha, I never dreamed that the national anthem could be accused as solid evidence of conspiracy to rebellion?
Yuan Zai, you're going to stop being a treacherous official and start telling crosstalk in this life?
Lu Shuyuan couldn't listen any longer, rolled her eyes and said:
"I'm not saying, are you guys crazy? Why are you so idle?"
Yuan Zai and the others were even more pleased when they heard the word "poisonous". They didn't understand modern internet slang, but they quickly understood it themselves.
Toxic means they hit the nail on the head!
"Hmph, we got it right.
You guys are up in the middle of the night, running around like crazy. If that's not plotting a rebellion, what is it?"
"Can't we go for a night run in the middle of the night?"
It's really baffling. They just ate too much and wanted to run at night to help digest the food, exercise and lose weight!
"Your Majesty, the night market has opened in Chang'an City now. Is it illegal for us to run at night to lose weight?"
Li Shimin asked in confusion:
"Why are you running instead of riding a carriage or a horse?"
Isn't it strange that a group of people are running fast outside in the middle of the night, and they are all officials who have no shortage of carriages?
"And what does this weight loss mean?"
Someone asked curiously, and Shen Yue then began to explain the health benefits of running, exercising, and losing weight.
“Taoism emphasizes the combination of movement and stillness. You can’t just deal with paperwork every day without moving your body.
Every seven days, you should do this activity two to three times, each time for about half an hour, to exercise your heart, lungs, internal organs, and promote blood circulation..."
Shen Yue was now very authoritative, and everyone immediately listened attentively. Li Bai was eager to join the night run and asked:
"So, do you have to run in the middle of the night like you guys do to exercise?"
"That's not the case. For example, horseback riding, hunting, or other activities that can make you sweat a little, such as the Five Animal Exercises, are all fine.
It’s just that we overseas people are used to it and we particularly like running…”
Don’t like hunting but love running?
Li Shimin shook his head after hearing this. He really couldn't understand these modern people.
"Our overseas citizens can live to an average of 70 years old, thanks in part to medical care, but most importantly, thanks to daily health maintenance!"
What?
Li Shimin, who was lying on the bed at the age of 51, was deeply envious!
Suddenly, a large group of people in the court immediately surrounded Shen Yue and others, asking about the modern people's maintenance methods.
"First, soak goji berries in a thermos! Also, exercise more. 30% exercise and 70% diet!"
"Yes, yes, yes. You must pay attention to the nutritional balance of your diet. Only by eating well can you be healthy!"
At this moment, the solemn atmosphere in the court suddenly changed. Yuan Zai and other radical members of the Tang Dynasty local party looked at each other in amazement, and then Yuan Zai immediately stepped forward:
"Your Majesty, should we continue to talk about their overseas rebellion?"
I've strayed off topic, Your Majesty! If I continue, there's no getting back!
Li Shimin didn't care about them, and waved his hand and continued to ask:
“So how do we eat to be healthy?”
“For the people of the Tang Dynasty, of course they need to eat well and have more meat;
But for all of you adults and Your Majesty, you must be careful not to eat too much meat and fish every meal, and pay attention to the combination of vegetables, fine grains and coarse grains.
Be especially careful not to consume too much fat, oil and sweets!
Because people who eat too much will often suffer from palpitations and shortness of breath, they must lose excess weight, otherwise it will cause many health problems. Obesity is a life-threatening disease..."
What?
I ate too much and got a big belly, but I still have to lose weight. Should I go on a diet or run to exercise?
Those with pot bellies all showed painful expressions.
Li Shimin quietly pinched the little extra fat he had gained from working overtime for more than half a year, and suddenly shuddered.
Is it true that I can’t eat sweets anymore? But that sounds painful!
Li Shimin suddenly became unhappy, and then continued:
"What did you say just now? About the rebellion, right?"
"……right!"
The topic finally returned, and Yuan Zai and the others were overjoyed and continued:
"Everyone has mailboxes lined up four in a row inside and outside their homes. Strange patterns are painted on each mailbox, likely signals of rebellion from their overseas followers!"
"What code? That's clearly the sign for a classified trash can!"
Wen Yuping couldn't help but rolled her eyes:
"You want to control our garbage sorting too? Are you crazy?"
[God’s fucking code, hahaha!]
Who doesn’t have labels on their classified trash bins? 】
“What is garbage sorting?”
The Tang people didn't understand again, so Wen Yuping simply asked His Majesty to bring their trash cans over:
"Your Majesty, look, this is kitchen waste, this is hazardous waste, this is non-recyclable waste, and this is recyclable waste.
The patterns marked on it indicate which category the garbage belongs to. For example, this fish bone pattern represents kitchen waste, and this glass bottle represents recyclable waste..."
So this is what the so-called secret code is! Everyone suddenly understood and said they understood.
Yuan Zai widened his eyes:
"No, why do you need four baskets just to throw away the trash? That's impossible!
No one has so much free time!"
"Isn't it okay for us overseas people to have this habit? Is it okay for us to just like recycling?
We advocate diligence, thrift and high quality, is that not okay?
But you guys, did you rummage through my trash can?
You're definitely hazardous waste, and you can't recycle it. Burying it in the soil won't do the earth any good! You can't even make fertilizer!"
Radical localists in the Tang Dynasty: ...?
Isn't it just throwing away garbage? Why do we have so many different types?
Are you overseas people crazy?
[Hahaha, the trend of garbage sorting has finally reached the Tang Dynasty! [1]
When we write history later, we can say that the earliest garbage sorting originated in the Tang Dynasty! This reflects the high quality and cultivation of the Chinese people!
Li Shimin couldn't understand it, but he respected the strange customs of modern people. He even thought that the habit of recycling clothes and paper was quite good.
"Then why did they say you were singing in the middle of the night?"
Speaking of this, modern workers are even more speechless.
The worker who led the singing, Qijilang, immediately raised his hand and answered:
"No, Your Majesty! We are just singing a folk song that everyone overseas knows. Why should they control our customs?
We even sang 'The Vast End of the World is My Love', so why didn't he write it into the snitching?"
"The reason why I don't say 'The vast horizon is my love',"
Yuan Zai was too embarrassed to even say the lyrics out loud, so he endured the embarrassment and continued,
"Because that's not important. What's important is the song you started with! You just want to imitate that thief An Lushan and incite the people to rebel..."
When An Lushan rebelled, he used Zoroastrianism, a superstitious doctrine that believed in gods and ghosts, to deceive people, which was extremely inflammatory among the people of Fan Yang.
Therefore, Tang officials now have some PTSD-like stress reactions when these doctrines are mentioned.
So they began to question: What on earth are you overseas people thinking? Do you want to make the people who don't want to be slaves rebel?
[………We are speechless just because we sang the national anthem?
But when I think about it, this is indeed a resistance to oppression. What can I do? It feels so unfair.
[Who said that the officials in the Tang Dynasty were not corrupt? Look, are they going to kill and replace us modern workers?
Is it really going to be a failure because of the national anthem? 】
Fortunately, Wen Yuping reacted quickly and explained immediately:
“What you may not know is that our song is mainly directed at the foreign races that once invaded us.
Back then, there was a particularly abominable foreign race that invaded our territory, massacred millions of people, committed all kinds of atrocities wherever they went, and even imprisoned people for human experiments, torturing them to death with various torture methods..."
Soon, Shen Yue removed the specific ethnic information and explained the human experiments conducted by foreign enemies at that time, as well as the abuse and massacre of Chinese people.
Although there were wars in ancient times and some cruel generals would massacre cities and allow their subordinates to rob, rape and loot during battles, the fact of human experiments is beyond imagination.
After hearing this, all the officials fell silent.
Only Li Shimin knew that this was a real event that happened in China later, and it was very likely that the audience on the screen were not far away from that era, and he was immediately extremely angry.
Which country invaded this great country of China?
I will have to ask these people later to see if there is anything I can do in advance.
"We were drunk and our words were unclear. Lord Yuan and the others probably didn't hear the entire song. This song mainly encouraged the common people and all the people to stand up and resist foreign invasion.
What doctrine is really an exaggeration, because all of us overseas will sing this song, mainly to remember that period of history and always remember the lesson -
If you lag behind, you will be beaten; a weak country has no diplomacy."
"Anyone who falls behind will be beaten!"
The officials of the Tang Dynasty who had just experienced the Anshi Rebellion had a deep understanding of this, especially when they were almost robbed by the Uighurs and the Tibetans took advantage of the chaos to seize the Silk Road in the Hexi Corridor.
"A weak nation has no diplomacy, and a backward nation will be beaten! Gentlemen, please remember these two words firmly!
We in the Central Plains of China must never be arrogant or conceited at any time. We must remember the lessons of the Five Barbarians' Invasion of China and the An Lushan Rebellion!
Li Shimin sighed with emotion, and everyone else sighed. Only Yuan Zai and other radicals were dumbfounded.
No, the overseas rebellion has been put behind us?
He wanted to say something else, but Lu Shuyuan and others stood up and said that if they didn't believe it, they might as well randomly pick a few modern people from Chang'an and let them sing a chorus in class.
Li Shimin was a little curious about the complete song, so he immediately sent the imperial guards out to find modern people traveling in Chang'an.
[Holy crap, there's such a good thing? I can actually be personally brought into the Tang Dynasty Palace for a tour by the Imperial Guards?]
[Me, me, me! Come and catch me! It's like a lottery!]
Wait, I'm so obvious, why can't you see me! Why did you, the Imperial Guards, just walk away as I passed by? Am I that unlucky?]
The modern people who come to travel today are so happy that they all take the initiative to try to scam the imperial guards.
Soon, the imperial guards captured a group of people and came to report.
When everyone arrived at the court, they looked and touched everywhere, especially the Tang Dynasty officials standing next to them. They touched and made advances just like they were NPCs in a game.
Some people even came up to ask, "Have you eaten?"
Tang Dynasty officials: ...?
It has been confirmed that it is not these overseas officials who are rebelling, but all overseas people are crazy and abnormal!
"Make way, everyone, form your teams. Give me a stool so I can stand higher. I'll take charge!"
Soon, the attendant stood on the table brought by the imperial guards and began waving his arms to direct everyone in the chorus:
"Rise up! Those who refuse to be slaves..."
The previous lyrics may have different interpretations, but "The Chinese nation has reached the most dangerous time" is obviously referring to the war between the nation and the outside world.
[Fortunately, the concept of "Chinese nation" was proposed by Liang Qichao in modern times.
Before that, "Zhonghua" and "Huaxia" were just cultural concepts, not ethnic concepts. Therefore, people in the Tang Dynasty would not misunderstand them.
With Wen Yuping's explanation, combined with the following lyrics, everyone quickly realized that this was obviously a song that inspired everyone to resist foreign races, just like the Tang Dynasty's "Qin Wang Po Zhen Yue".
"So who was it that reacted to the words 'Let the people rise up'?
Could it be that you guys are usually not kind to your subordinates and the people in the manor, so you’re afraid they’ll rebel and kill you like you did the Lu family?”
"That's right! Your Majesty loves the people like his own children, so why would the people rise up against him?
It's you guys who are bringing yourselves into this, and it seems there's something wrong!
Your Majesty, I suggest a thorough investigation!"
"Exactly! Are you guys just sitting around doing nothing? You have nothing better to do than stare at us and falsely accuse us? Are you slacking off at work and not doing anything?"
"Ah, isn't it because you usually behave too strangely and easily lead to misunderstandings?"
"Okay, now that everything has been made clear, stop staring at other people's private affairs!
Do you want to control other people’s customs too?
On the contrary, you, the ministers of the Tang Dynasty, should be more humble and learn from their efficiency and ability to handle government affairs. Don't be proud and complacent just because you are from the Tang Dynasty..."
Li Shimin reprimanded the radicals and asked them to go home and reflect on themselves for a few days.
Especially Yuan Zai, who led the charge, was scolded. His hard-earned credit for going abroad was lost, his official rank was neither promoted nor demoted, and his salary was fined...
However, Li Shimin did not impose too much punishment. After all, it was the duty of the officials of the Censorate to report on all officials, and he also encouraged his ministers to debate.
Modern workers No. 1, 2 and 3 were very dissatisfied and continued to work with a pout.
But people like Wen Yuping who have served as senior executives understand very well that conflicts are inevitable among various groups in large companies. As a big boss, you must learn to balance all parties, but also prevent unnecessary internal friction.
But at this moment, she immediately seized the opportunity and said:
"Your Majesty, I think the reason they keep an eye on us every day is that they are too idle.
Is it because they usually have too little workload?
Therefore, I suggest introducing an examination system for officials, with a minor exam every three years and a major exam every five years. If someone fails the exam three times in a row, they will be dismissed and investigated, and must take the imperial examination again!
Come on, let’s hurt each other!
If you report us for rebellion, we will set off a bomb and blow up everyone!
Civil and military officials: !!!
No, are you crazy? Isn't this a way of hurting the enemy by a thousand and hurting yourself by a thousand?
Don't you have to take the exam too?
But modern workers are very calm.
It’s just an exam, who’s afraid of who?
They have been taking exams for eighteen years since they were young, weekly exams, monthly exams, midterm exams, mock exams. How could these top students who have experienced all kinds of exams be afraid of this?
All the civil and military officials were against it, but Li Shimin remained silent. Wen Yuping and Lu Shuyuan understood, and took turns to persuade him:
"Your Majesty, military commanders do not need to participate in the assessment."
All the generals present breathed a sigh of relief.
Li Guangbi covered his pounding heart, Pugu Huai'en lowered his fist with his sleeves rolled up, and Guo Ziyi secretly breathed a sigh of relief...
"But our Tang Dynasty already has an official evaluation system!"
“The current system is pretty good!”
"That's right! You've added so much burden to local officials. How will they have the energy to govern the area?"
[In fact, the official assessment system of the Tang Dynasty was quite complete.
On the one hand, the imperial court would send inspectors to conduct random checks on local fields, population, taxes, and other conditions. On the other hand, local officials would also have to write performance reports and submit daily attendance records.
At the same time, the Censorate will also supervise all officials.
“However, under these systems, if local officials collude with local tyrants to falsify land and population data, it will lead to inaccurate data.
Moreover, it has always been central government officials who supervise and evaluate local governments. So who evaluates central government officials?"
All the ministers in the court: !!!
We worked so hard to get from the local assessment all the way to the central level, and now you say we have to continue taking the test?!
Are you a devil?!
"So there is still an exam, but the content of this exam is different from the imperial examination. It is based on the basic qualities required for the position."
Li Shimin was very interested after hearing this. He suppressed the officials' objections and continued to ask how to take the exam.
"For example, county magistrates and Dali Temple officials are assessed on case judgment and legal knowledge; coroners are assessed on technical issues related to autopsies;
Ministry of Revenue staff are assessed on their economic knowledge every few years; technical officials, such as those in charge of water conservancy and medical care, are assessed on basic technical knowledge.
As for the officials of the Hanlin Academy, the assessment is on poetry, songs, and articles. Lord Li, Lord Du, do you think there is something wrong with you?
Of course there is no problem with Li Bai and Du Fu, they pat their chests and say that they can definitely do it.
“I think it’s good.
In this way, the questions in the first year will be simpler. If you fail even such simple questions, you will be temporarily suspended and wait for the next substitute.
After that, all officials will be tested every three years. If they fail for three consecutive years, they will be dismissed and held accountable.”
It just so happened that Li Heng and Li Longji had many bureaucrats who sold official positions and titles under their command. They could all be cleared out and new people could be replaced after the imperial examination.
Moreover, this can also hit those officials from aristocratic families who rely on connections to get people in. All of them will be tested, and those who fail will be dismissed!
[Yes, there are more and more officials in the middle Tang Dynasty. A lot of those who got promoted by connections or were paid without doing anything will be fired by then!]
No matter how the officials refused, Li Shimin decided to implement it immediately.
Anyway, the emperor doesn't have to take exams, so it's quite fun to watch his ministers answer questions painfully, right?
"Of course, military commanders, military governors, and other officials do not need to be tested, and officials over the age of 55 do not need to be tested either."
The older officials also breathed a sigh of relief, feeling that they had finally survived.
[Hahaha, we doctors have exams every year, what did we say?
There should be an exam. If officials are incompetent and lack quality, won’t the people suffer?]
The more constraints on officials, the better for the people! This is so cool!
The officials all wore masks of pain, but Li Shimin didn't care.
After leaving court, he sneaked out of the palace and ran to Wen Yuping's house, where he happened to run into a group of modern people having dinner together.
"Great! You guys just got caught having a private dinner here, and you're doing nothing wrong?"
Li Shimin sat at the table, his eyes widening as he looked at the cherries, lychees, and the seemingly unlimited supply of cumin and chili peppers.
"No remorse, absolutely no remorse!"
"Your Majesty, what do you think we should do?
We were just having a private chat."
"Humph, of course you should take me with you!
With my testimony, you are not considered a clique!"
So, Li Shimin happily reached a consensus with the modern workers and soon ate the frozen lychees he had been longing for for half a year.
But after he ate a few, Shen Yue stopped him from eating anymore.
Li Shimin touched his nose and sighed emo. Fortunately, everyone started eating crayfish at this time, and Li Shimin followed suit. He ate it without any image because it was too delicious.
"By the way, do you usually participate in the social activities of Tang Dynasty officials?
You are always targeted because you are so different."
Li Shimin learned from other officials that when other officials held birthday banquets or invited guests for their children’s first birthdays, these people simply refused;
They also never participate in poetry and literary gatherings organized by everyone.
This is so unsociable, no wonder others have opinions about it.
"If I have opinions, I have opinions. Anyway, I work for you, the boss, and you pay me.
To put it bluntly, we are just colleagues. At most, we nod to each other during work hours. It is best not to contact each other after work."
"Yes, attending a colleague's banquet is also a work-related activity. Can't you just not interrupt our free time after get off work?"
[That’s right, in ancient times, people with social anxiety couldn’t even survive or become officials! This is terrible!]
In fact, they went to these activities once or twice out of curiosity at first, but soon got bored of them.
In addition, there are various rules to follow, and you have to give gifts. Especially some officials flatter the powerful and the weak, and even after get off work they put on airs and use official tactics. It's annoying to watch!
Li Shimin: ………
"...Alright, even if you don't want to participate in these activities, clean up the people in the mansion so that it won't be filled with spies and sieves."
"Is there such a thing?"
"Wow, a college student like me has encountered something like a spy?"
Workers No. 1, 2, and 3 stared wide-eyed in wonder. Wen Yuping and Lu Shuyuan thought for a moment, then said:
"Then we really have to find out secretly and then deduct all his wages!"
"That's right, he works for me and gets paid double. I might as well let him work for me for free with other people's money. I can save a lot of money!"
After the two finished speaking, they looked at each other with a like-minded expression and clapped their hands:
"Sister, soulmate!"
Li Shimin: ...?
[Ahahahahahahahahahahaha, this is us modern capitalists!
We will never allow workers to receive two salaries at the same time!
"The imperial examination is tomorrow, and you're still eating and drinking like crazy here, Lu Shuyuan. Is that really okay?
Are you really ready? Don't cause any trouble, or I won't let you off the hook! "
Lu Shuyuan was chewing the skewers with her left hand and making an OK sign with her right hand:
"Don't worry, boss, it's absolutely fine!
Why don't you come with me to the exam tomorrow and watch me catch the students with cheat sheets! I guarantee it will open your eyes, boss!
Isn't it just about catching cheaters? Is it necessary to make such an exaggeration?
Li Shimin still didn't take it seriously at this time, and asked while eating crayfish:
"Who exactly was it that invaded your country, as you mentioned in court earlier?"
“It’s Japan!”
At this time, the Tang Dynasty already had the name "Japan". Li Shimin was stunned, thinking of the Tang envoys who were servile when they met him.
"Humph! These people learned the written language, clothing, etiquette, farming, and so on from our Tang Dynasty. What did they not learn from our Tang Dynasty?
I never thought they would be so ungrateful! They are so despicable and want to repay a favor!
Li Shimin thought it would be a tribal nomadic people like Tubo or Uighur. After all, these people had great differences and conflicts with the Tang Dynasty culture.
Who would have thought that our home would be stolen by these seemingly timid Japanese people?
It’s really a waste of time to be nice to them!
[The Japanese are like this. Zuo Zongtang once commented on this, saying that they fear power but not virtue. When they are strong, they will inevitably rob and plunder, and when they are weak, they will inevitably submit.]
"Then what do you mean by 'stealing the country'?
Could it be that they are a group of robbers who have stolen our Chinese treasures?"
"That's not the case. Were we not chasing and beating those Koreans who couldn't even defeat Goguryeo?"
"It's like this, the national character of this country is very distorted. They claim all the culture they learned from China as their own.
They claim to have invented the entire world, and that the Chinese stole their language, writing, culture, clothing, etiquette, etc...."
Li Shimin couldn't believe it after hearing this. It would be fine if it was just some individuals, but how could a country be so shameless?
Even nomadic peoples such as the Uighurs had to admit that they learned technology and culture from the Tang Dynasty in China, and would never claim that they were their own.
"So, do they believe it themselves?"
"They've told so many lies that they've even fooled themselves, and the whole country actually believes it!"
[But these are all minor matters. What concerns you, Erfeng, is mainly the anti-Tang Dynasty drama!
Even now they still think it’s true history! How dare they all talk nonsense to you!]
"What is this? Is it about my conquest of Goguryeo and their defeat?"
Li Shimin ate barbecue skewers and drank beer, waiting enthusiastically for modern people to tell stories.
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