Chapter 58: Li Longji's Percussion Music? + The Jiedushi
"It's unfair, sir! We are good citizens, great good citizens!"
Modern people have never seen such a scene before. All the breeders squatted down with their heads in their hands.
Even the big furry cats like Naidou were so frightened that their ears drooped and they shrank back into their cages.
Even the clever brown sugar cat closed the cage door, and then dared to meow at the people outside.
"Ahhh, why did you scare our tiger cub? It's just a baby!"
[Is Tiger okay? It's unkind of you Tang people to treat us Tigers like this!]
Li Shimin: ???
Li Shimin asked someone to keep an eye on his daughter, then stepped forward and ordered the imperial guards to retract their swords.
"Alright, alright, these overseas people don't have any bad intentions. Don't scare them and... the tiger."
"That's right, my Baiwan is such a coward that he can even choke on a piece of boneless beef!
You're still scaring it like this!"
“What should I do if I scare my brown sugar?
It has been listening to the clip sounds of young ladies since it was a child! You are so mean to it and make our child feel wronged! "
The breeders started complaining one after another, leaving the people of the Tang Dynasty speechless.
No? Are you raising a cat or a tiger?
[Tigers are also cats. What's wrong with raising tigers as cats?
The big cats we personally trained are all very well-behaved. Some of them are even afraid of geese as food and can’t even beat a goose!
[And our Baiwan is a retard!
I choked on boneless beef and didn't even bother vomiting. It stayed stuck in my throat for days. I had to wait for the doctor to examine it and remove it...
Li Shimin: …?
In short, Li Shimin was really moved when he saw these sleek big cats in front of him.
He wanted to go forward and touch it, but was immediately stopped by the frightened imperial guards.
"Alright, alright, all of you, step back. Look how scared you are.
These big cats look very well behaved, so I'll pet them!"
Everyone was still worried, and Guo Ziyi personally stayed by their side, ready to kill the tiger at any time, but he never had the chance.
At this time, Li Shimin had already touched the red sugar. He touched it from head to toe, and then went to see the rare albino tiger Baiwan.
Not only can you touch the tiger's butt and tail, you can also pinch the pads of its paws. When you touch its head, it will even rub against you!
A pair of round tiger eyes appear very clear.
That look is exactly like that of a modern college student who has just joined the Tang Dynasty as a worker.
"No, why are all the tigers you raise so well-behaved?"
[Times have changed, tigers also need to evolve!]
In the past, I relied on ferocious hunting to make a living, but now I can eat and drink well just by being cute, and I can also settle down, find a partner, and have a stable job and lifelong medical insurance. I would be happy to do it too!
The more Li Shimin touched the tiger, the more he loved it and he couldn't let it go. He wanted to keep the tiger and raise it as a big cat, but all the officials opposed it.
"That won't do. This is our zoo's most precious treasure. I just brought it here for Your Majesty to pet!
We’re going to take it back!”
Hearing this, Li Shimin sighed, and then looked at the furry leopard next to him.
"Your Majesty, rest assured, this is a cheetah, not a leopard or a jaguar, and humans are not on its menu.
It belongs to the cat family, not the leopard family, and its fighting ability is not strong."
The cheetah meowed in agreement, and the sound was even cuter than that of a kitten!
So this is what the beast calls?
It was the first time for the Tang Dynasty officials to hear the cheetah's cry, and many of them gathered around curiously.
Du Fu also carefully touched the cheetah's tail and ears, and then asked:
“It turns out this thing is also a cat!
So if I encounter one in the wild, how can I tell the difference between a cheetah and a leopard?"
“This is easy!”
Worker No. 1 quickly raised his hand and answered,
“If you see two black tear marks on its face, it’s a cheetah, and if it doesn’t, it’s a ferocious leopard.
Of course, it's even more convenient if you just reach out your hand. The one with your hand still attached is a cheetah, and the one without is a leopard!"
Du Fu: What kind of knowledge about hell?
Li Shimin couldn't let go of the leopard and touched its belly for a while. However, although modern furry animals are very well-behaved, he still didn't dare to let his daughter take the risk.
"It's okay, it's okay. We also brought penguins that are perfect for little princesses to pet. They're very cute and well-behaved!"
The penguins were placed in a special ice cage. When the two black and white penguins were released, they flapped their wings curiously and looked around.
It was the first time for everyone to see this big, oval-shaped goose, and they were all very curious.
Li Shimin even held his daughter in his arms and touched her. The little princess laughed happily and he liked her very much at first sight.
"Of course, we also brought picture books for the little princess, such as Tom and Jerry and Animal Forest, which are very suitable for children to learn to read pictures."
Li Shimin accepted them all with a wave of his hand, and then gave rewards to everyone.
Modern workers have never seen such a generous boss. They were so happy that they immediately plopped down on the ground and shouted, "Long live the emperor!"
Even the tigers, seeing their keeper Mama kneeling down, immediately leaned over and meowed at the top of their lungs.
As long as you are rewarded with meat to eat, you are a good person!
“No, where exactly are you overseas?
Why are there geese with black and white patterns, and so many other strange animals? I've never heard of them before!"
The people of the Tang Dynasty had a vast territory and knew many anecdotes about the neighboring countries. They had even heard of countries as far away as Central Asia and even Europe, but they had never heard of such a strange overseas country.
Li Mi asked out of curiosity.
The workers looked at each other, not knowing what to say. Wen Yuping responded quickly:
"It's far, farther than you know.
We are on the other side of the mountains and the sea."
Worker No. 2 immediately raised his hand and asked, "A group of Smurfs?"
“They are lively and smart…”
“They are playful and clever!”
"...Oh, lovely Smurf, lovely Smurf..."
There were just enough people, and everyone took turns singing a line and finished the song.
All the people of the Tang Dynasty: ...?
That’s it, how come we started singing while talking?
Also, since I know you’re both cute and crazy, please stop bragging about yourselves, okay?
At this banquet, the audience in the sky screen were almost laughing to death.
The people of Datang were frightened by the ferocious tiger at first, but they were soon enlightened by the cute tiger.
Li Bai and others bravely stepped forward to touch the tiger, feeling that this could be written into a poem later, and it would not be an exaggeration.
And you can brag about it for the rest of your life!
Li Shimin finally got his fill of petting a big cat and was very satisfied. As a result, he was more efficient in reviewing documents at work in the following days.
The imperial examination system now selected a group of officials from humble backgrounds with great potential, which was just right for refreshing the bureaucratic officialdom of the mid-Tang Dynasty.
And this time, Li Shimin was finally able to replace the modern attendant with a Tang Dynasty person!
God knows he hasn't dared to take a peek at the daily records this whole year, for fear of being blinded by the attacks of modern workers!
Modern Worker No. 4, the Daily Advisor, was transferred to a new position and was initially unhappy with his pout.
However, Li Shimin told him that being an official in the local area would give him greater power and he could also farm.
Worker No. 4 immediately agreed and happily packed his bags and set off to the local area to engage in production and construction.
The newly appointed recorder was Han Zhongqing, whom Li Shimin had high hopes for. He had previously served as a secretary and had compiled many books.
The main reason for being optimistic about him was not because of him, but because of his newly born son Han Yu, who, according to Tianmu, was one of the eight great writers of the Tang and Song dynasties.
[Poor Han Yu, he lost his father at the age of three!
Erfeng, you can bring Han Yu's father with you. It's a good opportunity for the imperial physician to check him out. Maybe he can live a few more years.
Li Shimin also thought so, and Han Yu's father was also a literary writer, so it should be no problem to let him write the daily notes.
Therefore, Li Shimin confidently handed over the previous daily records to him:
"You should revise the content written by the previous recorder. You know, after all, they are overseas, and their writing style... well, is a bit different from our Tang Dynasty.
You... just try to simplify it."
Han Zhongqing agreed immediately, thinking that this job should not be difficult for him. After all, he had previously compiled a collection of essays from the Three Kingdoms period and had a lot of experience in organizing and adapting documents.
But it wasn't until he opened the first page of the diary and saw His Majesty's chiseled face with a smile that was three parts sneer and five parts domineering...
This, this, this...ah, this?
Your Majesty, this is not a question of simplifying things.
This needs to be rewritten!
No, I know you overseas people are crazy, but you can’t be so crazy with your words, right?
Deeply shocked and with a huge increase in workload, Han Zhongqing was completely unwell...
However, after having a normal daily routine, Li Shimin finally stopped worrying.
Especially as the end of the year approached, he received tax revenue and expenditure statements from various places.
This year, potatoes, sweet potatoes, and corn have been introduced in various places, and with the help of modern agricultural technology knowledge, the per-acre yield of ordinary wheat and soybeans has also increased.
Therefore, granaries in various places were basically full, so Li Shimin ordered the construction of charity granaries in various places.
The surplus grain was stored in charity granaries to be used in case of natural disasters or wars.
With the bumper harvest, grain prices have basically stabilized, and the new currency has basically replaced the two currencies previously issued by Li Heng.
The newly issued currency of the Tang Dynasty contained sufficient copper and used modern people's suggestions -
Special copper coin patterns are struck by water pressure using an official specially made large water mill. The new anti-counterfeiting technology is very easy to use and therefore difficult to forge.
After much deliberation, Li Shimin decided to name it Zhenguan Tongbao.
Common people began to use Zhenguan Tongbao, and the credit of Tang Dynasty currency returned. Therefore, the days when local governors printed currency to make money were gone forever.
At the end of the year, Li Shimin issued a direct decree, requiring the coinage rights of all Jiedushi and local governments to be taken back, and stipulating that the coinage rights of the Tang Dynasty could only be owned by the state in the future.
As long as the Tang Dynasty exists, no matter if it lasts for decades or hundreds of years, the right to mint coins must never be granted to private individuals, otherwise the officials can hold the emperor himself accountable.
Of course, some local military governors were dissatisfied with this, but their advisers soon said that even if more currency was printed later, the people would not use it.
It has no value unless you use it as a commemorative coin to play with yourself.
Even though the governor of the three towns of Heshuo was holding a grudge in his heart, he could only hold it in and digest his own shit himself.
"Very good, it seems that all my military governors are very loyal to the Tang Dynasty. I am very pleased!
Now that the right to mint coins has been centralized, the Jiedushi should no longer collect taxes privately.
After all, the people of all places are the people of the Great Tang Dynasty. From now on, the people's taxes will only be paid to the imperial court!"
At the New Year's banquet of the following year, Li Shimin said this with a smile.
He said that as a benevolent monarch, he really couldn't bear to let the people pay an extra tax, as it was too painful for them to bear, so you, the military governors, should stop collecting taxes.
When the Jiedushi from various places learned about this, they said: ???
No, if you want to be a benevolent monarch, then you shouldn’t collect taxes. If you collect taxes, are you doing us a favor?
What a black-hearted emperor!
[Hahaha, is our Erfeng a performance-oriented person?
But whether or not to say this, this is indeed something that needs to be taken care of! Since the mid-Tang Dynasty, Jiedushi have been secretly collecting taxes from the people without the permission of the court, so the people's taxes come from two parties.
It's because of these layers of exploitation that there are charcoal sellers and snake catchers.
[You mean the one who caught snakes in the wilds of Yongzhou, risking his life to do so, just to be exempt from tax?]
"What is this again?"
Of course, Li Shimin had never heard of Han Yu's article, so everyone read it aloud to him.
After hearing this, Li Shimin couldn't stand it anymore and burst into tears.
In the past, when he read history books, he would cry when he saw the suffering of the people and the injustice of loyal officials, but that was other people's history. But now, such things are happening in the Tang Dynasty!
Li Shimin felt heartbroken when he thought of this, and cried even harder than the girls who hid in their beds reading sad stories.
Therefore, when he went to court the next day, everyone saw Li Shimin with red eyes from crying. He read this article to everyone and said that he had cried all night and could not sleep.
Therefore, officials at all levels must implement this policy as quickly as possible. If any Jiedushi dares to rebel, we will immediately send troops to teach them a lesson!
The Emperor had been weeping for the people all night, and officials from all regions dared not neglect their duties. The officials in Yongzhou were especially criticized by everyone.
Yongzhou Jiedushi:…?
No, wait, there doesn’t seem to be such a thing happening in my place right now. Who on earth is spreading rumors about me? Damn it!
Although the people now had potatoes and sweet potatoes to eat, the governor of Yongzhou was still unable to defend himself and was nailed to the pillar of shame and scolded bitterly.
Seeing this situation, the other Jiedushi had no choice but to surrender their taxation power, or at least they dared not collect taxes openly to make money.
Of course, there were also dissatisfied military governors. The military governors of the three towns in Heshuo joined some other military governors in writing a letter asking what should be done with the food, fodder and soldiers' salaries in the future?
Li Shimin replied immediately. Of course, the local areas would report to the emperor, and then the imperial court would distribute food and military pay.
[In this way, it is equivalent to directly cutting off the foundation of the Jiedushi's rebellion!
Why rebel if you don't have money? Who will work if you don't even get paid?
[The soldiers can't use Tang's money to rebel against the Tang Dynasty, right? The workers are not stupid!]
[A penny can make the Jiedushis feel overwhelmed, hahahaha, but how can the Jiedushis be willing to accept such a big thing?
Especially those who are allowed to keep private soldiers? Where will the money come from in the future?
Li Shimin certainly thought of these things, and he quickly sent Li Siye and Pugu Huai'en to lead tens of thousands of elite troops to conduct exercises on the border of Fan Yang, ostensibly to guard against rebellion by the Uighurs and the Hu people.
Tian Chengsi, Li Huaixian, and Li Baochen: ...Your Majesty, do you think we are stupid?
Soon, several people dared not move and had to hand over the right to collect taxes.
In this way, the people would finally no longer be exploited at multiple levels, their burden would be reduced, and at the same time, the economic power of the Jiedushi would be completely eliminated.
Only then did Li Shimin finally breathe a sigh of relief. After all, for more than a year he had to guard against the Hu people and worry about the military governors in various places.
"No, how did Li Longji sleep well before?"
Li Shimin didn't understand. Even a man as good at fighting as him couldn't sleep well when surrounded by a group of military governors who had both military and financial power!
How can I allow others to sleep soundly beside my bed, let alone a group of tigers!
Li Shimin got angry when he thought of this, so when this matter was finally over, he immediately rolled up his sleeves and called on modern people to go and settle accounts with Li Longji!
[Ahhh, I finally waited for you. Fortunately, I didn’t give up. Choose me, choose me!
Your Majesty, the tools I've prepared for beating children are absolutely powerful! 】
[Can we please come watch? We can cheer you on!]
Li Shimin was in a good mood today, so he randomly selected a group of modern overseas audiences to watch together.
After Li Shimin moved the imperial guards to the palace gate and led a group of modern people into the Taiji Palace, Li Longji looked at his grandfather Taizu in front of him and was so scared that he shrank into the corner.
At this moment, he still tried to maintain his last bit of dignity:
"No, don't you usually look for Li Heng?
Don’t you only come to fight Li Heng when you’re in a bad mood? Why did you find me today? "
Li Heng had been beaten several times before, mainly because Li Shimin had troubles in the government and came to beat him to vent his anger. It was never Li Longji's turn.
Li Shimin didn't say anything, he just went up and kicked the man, sending him rolling away like a ball:
"Do I need to consider my mood when beating you?
As for unfilial descendants like you, I can beat them whenever I want!"
"No, no, no, you, you are... are you really the great-grandfather?
You are not him, you are Li Tan, right? You are deliberately impersonating Taizu! "
Li Longji refused to admit it, but Li Shimin didn't care. He picked up a cowhide whip that modern people had dipped in devil pepper water and whipped him.
"Who do you care who I am?
I can hit you if I want to, and kick you if I want to. Is it your turn to make a comment?"
Li Shimin became angry when he heard his grandson's words, and whipped him dozens of times with a crackling sound.
Li Longji rolled around on the ground, screaming as loudly as a pig. In the middle of the process, he tried to get up and escape, but was soon beaten and crawled on the ground again.
"You dare to run away? You dare to talk back to me? I'll beat you to death, you unfilial descendant!"
"I told you to destroy the century-old foundation of the Tang Dynasty. Was it easy for me to conquer the world back then?"
"Ahhh, stop hitting me, stop hitting me, ahhhh!"
"I told you to appoint Li Linfu and Yang Guozhong. Are you blind or deaf?
You don't believe other people's accusations, but you believe your An Lushan, right?
Send him people, land, and money, why don't you become An Lushan's son? "
"Pa pa pa, I told you not to marry my own daughter-in-law, you shameless thing, you are still cheating at your age!
You are so thick-skinned, why are you yelling? Show me your shamelessness from the past!"
"Ahhh, great-grandfather, great-grandfather, I recognize you as my great-grandfather!
Please spare my life, Grandpa Taizu, I was wrong, I really know I was wrong, wuwuwu! "
Li Longji was beaten so badly that the mere sight of the whip sent a wave of fear down his spine. Burning like a blaze from the pepper spray, he wept bitterly as he crawled to Li Shimin's side, repeatedly admitting his fault and begging for mercy.
However, Li Shimin remained unmoved.
"When I asked you if you felt any guilt towards your ancestors, what did you say?"
Li Longji quickly thought of that confrontation and immediately regretted his decision!
Humph! This kid has no idea how to admit his mistakes. He deserves a beating!
Li Shimin whipped him over and over like a top, and then the whip broke, but modern people still have ways to deal with it.
"Come on, use this, use this. This is my new striking tool!"
Soon, several modern people brought up four or five big drums and a drum set, assembled them together, and then lifted Li Longji up and tied his waist.
Li Shimin looked at them in confusion, and several modern people immediately laughed and watched the fun without thinking:
"Your Majesty, don't say anything. We'll know when the fight starts! We'll use our belts, slippers, and electric mosquito swatters!"
Li Shimin hit Li Longji on the butt with an electric mosquito swatter. Li Longji screamed and struggled with his hands and feet. Then his hands and feet struggled, making rhythmic tapping sounds on the drum of the drum set.
As the beatings from the electric mosquito swatter and slippers grew heavier, the sound of Li Longji beating the drum grew louder.
[Wow, what a percussion instrument!]
I didn't expect Li Longji to have such talent. A few more hits and the music will soon reach its climax!
[Hahahaha, this is so cool, this is a great idea!]
Li Longji's screams like a pig being slaughtered resounded throughout the Taiji Palace. Li Shimin fought for most of the night until his arms were tired and he finally stopped.
At this time, Shen Yue took a special high-concentration alcohol and poured it on Li Longji, waking the drowsy Zhuzhu up again.
Then, the modern man squatted in front of Li Longji, whose head was swollen like a pig, and said:
"Are you wondering who we are?
Actually, you don't have to doubt it. The person in front of you is Emperor Taizong of Tang, Li Shimin himself, and we are the descendants of the Chinese people who lived more than a thousand years after your Tang Dynasty!"
"Do you know how history evaluates you?
When people talk about the monarchs who lost their country and the prodigal descendants, the first one is Hu Hai, and the second one is you, Li Longji!"
Li Longji struggled to raise his head at this time, and said incoherently that he was not a king who lost his country. The Tang Dynasty did not perish under his leadership, and the people of the Tang Dynasty also lived a prosperous life.
"Bah! What Kaiyuan Prosperity? It's clearly the legacy of Li Shimin and Empress Wu Zetian!
Especially during the Kaiyuan reign, the talents you used were all from Wu Zetian's team!
Your true governance level, Li Longji, is the An Lushan Rebellion! Your true level of employing people is Yang Guozhong, Li Linfu, and An Lushan!
"Good people don't live long, but you, Li Longji, have been causing trouble for a thousand years!
We don’t remember who the last monarch of the Tang Dynasty was, nor do we know his name, but we descendants all know you, Li Longji!
You are the root cause of the Tang Dynasty's decline and destruction!"
Li Longji completely collapsed at this point, but modern people didn't listen to what he was crying about. They ate melons, recorded the video, watched the whole process, and then surrounded Li Shimin and left.
Li Shimin enjoyed the beating this time, but the news of his repeated beatings of the two retired emperors still spread like wildfire.
Perhaps someone in the imperial guards didn't keep their word, or perhaps the imperial physician let the secret slip.
In short, the court officials soon heard that screams were often heard from the Taiji Palace in the middle of the night, so they all wrote letters to criticize Li Shimin, hoping that His Majesty could regain his filial piety and gratitude.
Although those two were indeed not good at governing the country, they were at least the retired emperors of the Tang Dynasty. Your Majesty, you cannot be so blatant and act as if we court officials do not exist?
Li Shimin sighed and looked up at the sky:
"You all heard it wrong. There's no one barking in Taiji Palace in the middle of the night. It's clearly my Husky barking like crazy!"
Officials: …Okay, okay, you think we’re deaf, right? You can’t even tell the difference between a wolf howling and a dog barking?
Especially after the recent bumper harvest, Li Shimin would often sneak out to hunt or eat barbecue with the modern people. As a result, the officials actively accepted advice, and more people criticized the emperor.
Although Wei Zheng is no longer with us, many Wei Zhengs have emerged in the court!
Hunting is fine, but recently even when he touches his own husky and cow cat, these court officials will advise him that it is a waste of time!
Li Shimin was in a bad state:
"No, why do they say that to me?
I just like furry things, that's all. Why are you saying things like "follow the example of others" and "playing with things will lead to loss of ambition?"
【??? Ah, but Your Majesty, isn't this what you asked for?
You are unhappy if they don’t give you advice or criticize you; and you are also unhappy if they really criticize you?
So you're a hard-to-please masochist?]
"No matter what, why should they ask me to do something they can't do themselves?
If I am not happy, they won’t be happy either!"
Li Shimin, who had a strong desire to win, said that he would retaliate fiercely and make everyone shut up. After thinking about it, he came up with a good idea:
"Got it! Can't you guys model dreams? Tell them my true identity!"
Also, tell them what really happened after the Anshi Rebellion!
I've done such a good job, they should all come and praise me!"
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