disillusionment
These days, watching her leaning against the porch feeding the koi, listening to her argue with Yishan about which herb was more bitter, has transported me back to the time we first met in Tianshan. She'd pluck a bunch of herbs for me while gathering morning dew, and she'd smile at me when Yishan clumsily knocked over the medicine basket. But whenever I tried to get closer, she'd slip away, like dewdrops rolling on a lotus leaf. I knew she only offered me the warmth of a friend.
Stargazing at night, she noticed her sister's natal star flickering, and she immediately decided to leave for Chunfengdeyi Palace. "I'll go with you," she blurted out, not only because she was carrying twins and couldn't move around easily, but also because she was afraid of Sima Lingfeng's eyes, which were always glued to her.
She suffered from severe morning sickness during the trip, so I worked overnight to make a calming sachet. The bumpy ride also caused her severe morning sickness. I removed the warm jade cushion from her wheelchair to support her waist. While feeding her plum soup, she suddenly chuckled, "These hands, once as powerful as Hua Tuo's, are now learning to serve." I looked at my own hands, which once held only gold thread, and suddenly wished they would always hold only medicine bowls.
As soon as I entered Chunfengdeyi Palace, Sima Lingfeng came to greet me. His gaze on Ying'er was like a spider's thread, his eyes lingering on her slightly swollen belly. "Miss Shangguan doesn't look well..." He reached out to support her. Zi Ling dodged, "Where's my sister?" When she asked about Shangguan Yan, he sullenly led the way. I watched him sullenly and said, "It's Madam Ouyang!" Zi Ling glanced at me without replying, while Sima Lingfeng gloated beside her.
My mother-in-law burst into tears of joy when she learned of the twins. Shangguan Yan coldly told me, "Take good care of Yingying." Those words were like a slap in the face, reminding me of Zi Ling's tears that night. I solemnly complied with her instructions. "Yingying is willful," my mother-in-law warned. "You'll have to bear with her tomorrow." Hearing Zi Ling say, "You'll always be my daughter," a sharp pang welled up in my heart—she had always been reluctant to say, "You'll always be my wife tomorrow."
Late in the night, I was about to deliver pregnancy-maintaining medicine when I saw Sima Lingfeng blocking Ying'er in the corridor. When he asked, "How am I inferior to Ouyang Mingri?" I almost shot a golden thread—"At least Mingri isn't interested in other people's wives." Ying'er's words were more precise than my divine golden thread, instantly pinpointing my every move. Watching her leave in a flash, I smiled to myself for a long time under the moonlight.
"Going to admire the stars and the moon?" she said, feigning a casual air as I entered the room. I couldn't help but lean over from my wheelchair to hug her, feeling the movement of the baby in her belly. "I just saw a great show! I saw someone solemnly admit that she was my wife."
She stiffened. "It's just for the child... I don't want the child to have immoral parents."
"What about me?" I finally asked this cruel question, "Do you still love me?"
She was silent for a long time, her voice like melting snow: "I love the tomorrow of the past, not the tomorrow of the present."
I slowly loosened my grip, staring at the silhouette of us hugging on the window paper. The most painful realization was this: she still loved me, just not this body now hollowed out by obsession and regret.
"It's okay." I tucked in the quilt for her, just like when I took care of her when she was seriously injured in Tianshan. "I will stay with you until you fall in love with me again."
Amidst the aroma of medicine, I suddenly remembered what she said: Whether it is poison or medicine depends entirely on the user's state of mind!
The night was as dark as ink. Candlelight flickered in the halls of Chunfengdeyi Palace, illuminating several faces with varying expressions. Zi Ling told me about Shangguan Yan's natal star flashing and the declaration of war under the half-moon, her words unable to conceal her fear for her sister's safety. She hoped I would return to my father and try to prevent him from interfering in this matter. Looking at her pale face, I felt a mixture of pity and guilt.
When she carefully analyzed that after the matter was accomplished, Shangguan Yan and Sima Lingfeng would go far away, Sima Changfeng would also give up everything, and everyone would go into seclusion, making it impossible for Ouyang Feiying to find them, my heart inexplicably tightened, and I subconsciously asked her about her plans.
She lowered her eyes, her voice soft but firm: "I have made it clear to my family that the most important thing to me is my children." Mother-in-law Ding Xuelian was willing to stay with her, hoping that Shangguan Yan could stay away from the fighting and have peace for her family.
I pondered for a moment and suggested that I might be able to help Shangguan Yan win directly, but—"I'm afraid she won't accept my approach."
Zi Ling's eyes suddenly lit up, and she excitedly threw herself into my arms, praising me profusely. That moment of warmth and recognition almost made me feel like we were back in the days of our lives together in the Tianshan Mountains. Joy flowed through my heart like a hot spring, and I almost wanted to grasp this lost trust.
However, when we found Shangguan Yan and told her the plan, her cold face was immediately filled with resistance.
"People should be upright." Her words were like the cold light of the Phoenix Blood Sword when it was unsheathed.
Zi Ling calmly retorted, his words carrying a familiar, almost cruel clarity: "Humans are essentially beasts. Survival of the fittest is the law of nature."
Shangguan Yan frowned: "It is precisely because of this that we should stick to our humanity."
"To lose one's humanity is to lose a lot; to lose one's animality is to lose everything—including Mother and me." A faint trace of fatigue and sadness flashed across Zi Ling's eyes, as if she herself disliked this conclusion but had to admit its truth. I looked at Zi Ling, and the fatigue and sadness in her eyes spread. Listening to Zi Ling's words, my heart was shaken. This is the understanding that only those who have truly struggled in the mire, yet still want to protect, can have. I used to think that Shangguan Yan's arrogance was a barrier she had to erect to protect herself after seeing through the complexity of human nature, just like me. Now, I suddenly realized that her arrogance was a way to isolate herself from the complexities of reality.
Shangguan Yan was deeply shocked, her tone filled with disbelief: "The Yingying I remember was pure and kind, even caring for small animals... How could she become... unscrupulous?"
Zi Ling shook her head helplessly, as if explaining a simple truth: "Sister, people have many sides. Unscrupulousness and pure kindness are never contradictory." She pointed out that Shangguan Yan relied on the Phoenix Blood Sword, but external things would eventually be lost. Without the sword, what would she do? "Besides, sister, you don't like killing people. Didn't you eventually adapt to the rules of the martial arts world?"
Shangguan Yan defended herself by saying that she was forced into the underworld by her father's orders and that she only wished to be an ordinary person. The word "ordinary person" was like a needle that pierced my perception of Shangguan Yan. I had originally thought that Shangguan Yan was an outcast like me, but now I realize how ignorant she was.
Zi Ling heard this, a bitter smile playing on her lips. "Sister, you have no idea what an ordinary person is." She described the old man struggling to make a living in the market, pointing out that if they and her sisters were killed, their mother's fate would be even more tragic. "Sister, you're willing to do things for our father that you wouldn't. Now, for our mother, will you accept tomorrow's proposal and defeat the enemy without fighting?" Looking at Shangguan Yan's naivete, preserved by fate, I suddenly felt a deep weariness. She had the perfect childhood I longed for, with the attention of teachers and a magical weapon at her side. Her world was black and white, and survival was simple for her. She could never understand how Zi Ling, abandoned by her loved ones and struggling to survive amidst the pity or contempt of the world, gradually became complex and suspicious, and how she struggled to maintain her original heart. But I understand, because this is also the path I've taken!
Shangguan Yan was silent for a long time, and finally said, "I'll consider it."
I had thought that if I peeled back the goddess dragon's icy exterior, I would find within—a pride in the world's injustices and a clear understanding of the complexities of human nature that resonated with him. He believed that beneath her silence lay a wisdom that resonated with me, and that her refusal was merely a lonesome code that required patient deciphering. Disillusionment, like icy water soaking into my bones, slowly washed over me. I wasn't disappointed, but sober. I realized: I had been chasing after nothing but an illusion!
Before the storm subsided, Sima Lingfeng, to prevent future trouble, even attempted to silence the maidservant at Zhaixing Nongyue Residence. I noticed it in time and stopped him sternly.
He looked arrogant and determined, "To avenge my blood, I will pay any price!"
Zi Ling took a step forward and looked at him with burning eyes: "You didn't have a choice before. But now, if you can choose, who do you want to be?"
"My great revenge has not yet been taken! I can't become whoever I want to be?" Sima Lingfeng sneered.
Shangguan Yan was furious at his lack of resistance and spoke with disdain, "So you can be a despicable villain and harm innocent people? ...Uncle Sima was once a noble and upright man, but I never expected his son to be so despicable!"
Sima Lingfeng responded with a disdainful sneer.
Zi Ling's tone softened, empathizing with the unpredictable fate. "We don't mean to blame you. We share similar experiences and common goals, a shared destiny. We care about you and don't want you to regret it later. Uncle Sima and Aunt Sima are watching over you from the depths of heaven. If they had taught you, you wouldn't have done this."
"Thank you for your concern." Sima Lingfeng's tone softened slightly, but he remained stubborn. "But my plan cannot fail. I know I've disappointed my parents, but I... never regret it!"
"Alright!" Zi Ling's eyes suddenly became sharp. "You killed someone for the sake of your plan, so you are responsible. I destroyed the plan to save someone, so I am also responsible! You kill one, I save one! If you think that such internal friction can help you defeat Ban Tianyue faster, then go ahead and do it!"
This resounding declaration made Sima Lingfeng's momentum falter. He stared at Zi Ling intently for a long moment before finally relenting. "...Okay! For your sake, I won't harm them. But I will give them a slow-acting poison, and I'll give you the antidote afterward. During this time, Sai Hua Tuo is not allowed to interfere. Is that okay with you?"
"Okay, it's a deal!" Zi Ling responded straightforwardly, with even a hint of cunning in his eyes.
"I disagree!" Shangguan Yan objected again, "This is not a gentleman's act! We should fight Bantianyue openly and honestly, why resort to conspiracy and subterfuge!"
Sima Lingfeng looked displeased.
Zi Ling turned to her sister, her tone calm but forceful: "Sister, a gentleman judges the heart, not the deeds. Filial piety is the first of all virtues, and there are no filial sons in poor families. As for deeds, there is no perfect person in the world."
"Yingying!" Shangguan Yan was heartbroken. "Is this the sage's book you read? You can even justify doing evil?"
"Life is like a chess game, and fools are like chess pieces," Zi Ling explained patiently. "If Zhaixing Nongyueju hadn't taken them in, those women would have been in an even worse situation. 'There are beautiful women in the south, isolated and independent...' If we can't survive, how can we protect them in this chaotic world?"
"But you are hurting them right now! You have done evil and are associating with evil people. Isn't that a contradiction?"
I couldn't help but speak, "Goddess Dragon, since Young Master Nong Yue promised to detoxify me afterwards, it doesn't count as irreversible damage." In my logic, a stopgap measure with a controllable outcome is never truly "evil." I once thought the Goddess Dragon was powerful, but now it seems her strength is entirely dependent on external forces—once her parents, then her uncle Gu Mu Tian, and now the Phoenix Blood Sword!
Sima Lingfeng laughed loudly when he heard this: "Hahaha! That's right! Everyone in the martial arts world knows that the goddess's dragon and phoenix blood is deadly, and she can use swords as swords. But the sword will eventually break, what will you do then?" Sima Lingfeng is indeed my confidant, and I feel like I share a brain with him!
Zi Ling looked deeply at Shangguan Yan, then lowered her head like a child who had done something wrong: "Sister, I have always respected you. I know that if it were you, you would rather die than resort to any means. In your eyes, we are wrong, I understand. You have the right to scold us. But after scolding us, we will still do what we think we must do. I'm sorry, sister... I let you down." She lowered her head, not daring to look at Shangguan Yan again.
Shangguan Yan closed her eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Yes... I just can't figure it out. Perhaps I, your sister, have never truly understood you. What have you been through... Actually, I have no right to scold you. It's me... who failed to protect you, and you ended up like this..."
This argument, like a brutal dissection, laid bare Shangguan Yan's steadfast soul before me. Listening to her heartbroken questions, watching her tears of incomprehension, I felt, for the first time, a clear crack in the perfect image I'd cultivated for years out of an unattainable desire. She was like a resilient greenhouse weed, her tenacity only within the confines of the world, sustained by the world's tolerance. And Zi Ling... she was a waterweed growing in a rapid current, drifting with the current but not by nature; Sima Lingfeng was like the seven-star crabapple tree, beautiful yet poisonous, yet poison can also be medicine.
At that moment, Zi Ling suddenly turned pale, clutching her chest and retching. My heart tightened, and I immediately stepped forward to feel her pulse at the wrist. The throbbing pulse from my fingertips gave me some comfort, but the discomfort of pregnancy and the days of worry had taken their toll on her.
"I'll take you back to your room to rest." I hugged her and said in an unquestionable tone.
Shangguan Yan subconsciously wanted to follow and take care of it.
I leaned slightly to the side, standing between her and Zi Ling. My tone was calm but distant: "Don't worry about it, Goddess Dragon. I'm a healer, and I'm also her husband. My presence is enough."
The words came out without a trace of hesitation. Protecting Zi Ling and the child in her belly is my responsibility, and it is also my instinct. The cautious admiration I once had for Shangguan Yan, the expectation of her response, now seemed so vague and illusory. Looking at the slightly frail Zi Ling in my arms, and then at the "Goddess Dragon" beside her who was crying because of the impact of her ideas, but could not truly understand the cruelty of reality, an unprecedented clarity surged in my heart - that iceberg moon that I once chased so hard, it seemed as if I had never truly understood that moon itself.
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