Chapter 27 I'm completely rotten
From the moment she stood up, Li Wenjing's legs began to float, unable to touch the floor. She walked into the bathroom, undressed, washed up, and lay down on the bed. Li Wenjing felt like she was floating in the air, without a center of gravity. He was so close to her, closer than she had ever been before. Her blood surged, her throat dry. She hadn't done anything, but when she met his gaze, it weighed her down. It felt like everything had already happened. Time was confused again. Everything now was an illusion.
"Didn't you buy a condom..."
As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Li Wenjing's face became so hot that she couldn't continue. She didn't know what would happen that night, but since they were lying in the same bed, it seemed unreasonable for nothing to happen.
"No...I mean...um..."
"I know, it's too early for us." He stood up and covered her with the quilt. "Go to bed. It's getting late. You have to go to work tomorrow."
Then he turned off the lights, leaving a nightlight on in the hallway. His eyes, still bright, like stars at night, watched her quietly. She leaned over to the bed and kissed him on the lips. Just as she had imagined, his lips were soft, like her favorite jelly. After releasing her lips, Li Wenjing felt her lips numb, almost numb. Her body pushed her to throw herself on him, caressing him, wanting more.
"I want you," she said.
In the darkness, she couldn't make out his expression. His cheeks were hot, trembling slightly, and the heat was transmitted through her fingers into his bloodstream. His hand, bandaged and rough, rested on her waist, rubbing against her skin. Her veins seemed to be filled with tiny beings, all pulsing at once, creating a damp heat that echoed with the rain outside the window.
"Do you want me?"
She waited for his answer, but he didn't say anything. The heat on his face almost burned her hands.
"Isn't this your first time?" Li Wenjing joked with him. He hummed, and Li Wenjing became embarrassed. "It's really... you, you are too... innocent..."
"You like experienced people? The Gustav type?"
"No, I just like you. I've always liked you! If you say anything more about Gustav, I'll be so mad!"
She leaned down and continued to kiss his lips, and in a fit of anger, she put the entire weight of her head on his lips. His nose was very high and it poked her cheek, which hurt her first. She let go of her lips, and both of them were a little breathless.
Gu Weiyi stroked her long hair that was stuck to her face and said, "To be honest, I wasn't prepared. My relationship with you, falling in love with you, sleeping with you, and having sex with you, all happened too fast, and at the worst time for me."
"Too casual for you?"
"No, I..." He paused, "I'm sorry, actually I really like you. I will try my best to satisfy you no matter what you want, but-"
He fell silent again and sighed.
"Just what? I want you now."
"It's my illness that prevents me from being with you or being your lover. I'm really sorry. You deserve a better guy."
Li Wenjing immediately understood what he meant. When she was with her ex, she could feel his body having a physiological reaction just by kissing him. But now she was sitting on him and felt nothing. Her mind was in a mess, so she turned over and slept on the other side, not saying anything for a long time.
"Wenjing," he called her name, "If you want to go back, go back. It's okay. You've been good enough to me. It's my problem."
"It's your fault. Why didn't you tell me? Don't you like me? If you don't explain it to me clearly, I won't leave..."
Li Wenjing's voice gradually choked up. He reached out and wiped away her tears, saying, "My grandma and grandpa were cousins who married each other. In the past, it was usually relatives who married each other. My grandpa later went crazy and jumped into the river. My mom also suspected that my grandma was mentally ill and ran away from home and went abroad. My dad and mom were together and everything was fine, but my mom later became crazy due to the trauma and committed suicide. Now it's just my turn. I've never seen what my mother looked like when she died. Someone fished her out of the sea, but they wouldn't let me see. My dad went to identify the body, and then she was taken to the funeral home and burned up. I was listening outside, and I thought there would be crackling sounds like a fire, but there was nothing at the scene, very quiet. My dad took out the ashes, and I was still wondering if it was my mom, whether she was dead or not. He comforted me, saying that I just couldn't accept it. I'm a boy and I have to be brave, even if it's very cruel."
"After my mom died, I lived with my dad. He was so busy with work that he basically ignored me and left me in a private school full of powerful people. When I was in junior high school, I fell from the building one day. I couldn't even remember what happened that day. It was only after several days that I remembered that it was the seniors in the school who forced me..."
He began to twitch again. Li Wenjing hugged him and waited for him to calm down. He continued, "My dad told me not to tell anyone and that he would help me solve it. They lost money, company positions, and a lot of things. My dad suddenly became rich, and from then on I knew everything was wrong with me. I couldn't get better. I would never get better in my life. I could only move by being his puppet. I lay in bed for over a month, didn't go to school, couldn't feel anything in my body, and stayed in the hospital for half a year before I recovered. I went to the UK to change the environment and started a new life."
"One time, I went home and saw one of them in Paris, on a big TV screen with his father. His father was the leader of a major political party and looked noble and upright, but only I knew how rotten people like them were. Beautiful skin, but maggots all over. My head felt like it had fallen off, and I felt nothing. I wanted to leave France like I did ten years ago, not go to England, but somewhere further afield. I was just hiding from life, but this time I couldn't. I still see them online, and I think about how many people they've hurt over the years and why I didn't tell the truth. But what's the point of telling the truth? There's no evidence, and it's a politically insignificant scandal that will be quickly smothered by PR. Nothing will change. I really can't get better... Wenjing, I'm not a normal person. Even if I moved to another place, I still can't be normal. I'm just pretending to be 'normal'. It doesn't matter if I die or live, or die alone. I don't want to drag you down. You're really good. There will be better things for you, and a more suitable person."
He took a deep breath, put down his hand on Li Wenjing's shoulder, and seemed to have made a decision.
"Okay, let me make it clear. You know if one part of the fruit is rotten, the whole thing is inedible."
"So what? I often eat rotten apples and peaches. I just peel them and nothing has happened in all these years."
"It's different. My whole body was rotten, and now it's finally rotten to the surface. You can have something better."
"I don't want to leave! Why should I leave just because you tell me to? Do you respect my opinion?"
She yelled at him, digging her nails into her palms to suppress the pain in her heart. "After meeting you, you didn't drag me down. Instead, a lot of good things happened. Look, you saved my life, and I even got a promotion and a raise. Besides me, you've saved many people here. I believe you can save yourself, too. You're a doctor who graduated from Oxford, so you can definitely do it. Forget the past if you can."
He shook his head. "It's not that easy to forget. Even if you're determined to forget, you never know when those people and things will reappear. Once you break down and go crazy, all your efforts will be in vain. I'd rather not have you in the future. It's enough for you to just remember the happy times we had together. Don't see me like that, I beg you."
The rain at night slid against the window, and moisture slipped in through the cracks, like the damp smell of mold spreading in the room.
Li Wenjing tearfully said, "So what? My grandfather was crazy too. When he was dying, he danced naked every day, his hair down there turning white. It's like that when people get old. In today's society, who doesn't have some mental illness? Sometimes I get so annoyed that I want the world to blow up... Am I a sociopath?"
"It's just talk. You are very kind and good-hearted. You would never do such a thing."
He pinched her cheek, as if to comfort her in return.
"You are also very kind. You are so good to me and everyone here. Can't you promise me to be nicer to yourself too?"
He didn't answer, avoiding her question, "Go to bed, it's late."
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